HAPPY FUCKING 65TH BIRTHDAY TO ME! (PART 2)

 PREFACE

After the encounter documented in Part 1, I sent the following messages. I didn't take the time to stew over what Ilde had said or think about how I should answer. I just replied from the heart. I was wounded. I had to address the accusations that my child believed to be true, but were not. I was confused as to why she would attack me. Say things that were not true.

STORY

After I spoke with my very close friend, Perry (transgender male), I was a little more enlightened as to what might have happened in Ilde's life to cause this breakdown of communication.

To Ilde on FB messenger, 2021/09/26:

[I have to say that you blindsided me. I'm sorry for being so unaware of what you were going thru but you never talked to me about any of it. Any time I would bring up sex while you were growing up, you would shut me down. How was I to know? Did you ever talk to Heather (half sister) about it? Was I suppose to read your mind? You gave no outward clues to any struggle with your identity. I don't give a shit about whether or not you are publicly "airing dirty laundry" but I do care about you talking to me. About understanding what you are going thru & what I can do to help make our relationship better. I am devastated to the core that I got so many things wrong, that caused you so much pain while you were growing up. But I do have to say that the Pinsker-side of the family not communicating with you (& with me) is not my fault. They abandoned me almost immediately after your dad died.

Now I have to absorb what you wrote, & cry. I love you. I'm sorry.

I also want you to know that of anybody in your life, I am one of the people you could have talked to about this. I love you no matter what. There isn't anything that you could do, or say, or be, that would make me stop loving you, or make me love you less. You are my child. My blood. My heart. I am only still alive because I couldn't leave you alone on this earth. The thought of you is what keeps me alive.

"I lost 20 years to a trauma my family doesn't even know happened."

It is not my fault that you didn't tell me. 20 years ago, you were 16 and your father and I would have listened.

"I built a mask of masculinity because as a child you told a doctor I didn't measure up to the ideal of maleness you thought I should, and wanted him to give me medicine to "fix" me."

I NEVER said such a thing to your pediatrician. HE said that you were in the (bottom) 10 percentile of "normal" growth. I asked ONE TIME if HGH would bring you up to average height & weight. I was concerned for your health. You were an underweight baby and in the lowest 10% for growth. I was a new mother being told by the doctor that this was of concern. I never thought you didn't measure up, in any way.

I can't write any more now. But you have remembered some of these things incorrectly. And you took my comment about how long it's been to be that I expect you to come here. I don't, eventho I didn't know any of these reasons that you don't come here. I am perfectly happy to come there to see you. And I hope to do that soon, if you still want to see me. I don't expect you to let me stay there if it's inconvenient. I'll get a B&B. I just don't have the money until I sell the Toyota. I didn't expect to make you feel guilty because I miss you.]

She didn't even want to talk it over in Direct Messages. What I posted on her post/rant was this:

"You are remembering things wrong. I thought you knew me better than this."

Then she posted this:

"It's upsetting that your takeaway from me writing 949 words about things I know you don't know about me, is that *I* don't know *you* better. Upsetting, but not surprising.

This post was about me. I could have made it about you. About the ticket I bought to watch you walk across the stage with your Masters. [There was no Master's degree ceremony, and if there had been, there would not be a ticket you have to buy. I received an AA degree & a BFA degree. Neither required a ticket to be bought!] About the month I lived in Sebastian. [Not sure what this is about.] About the inheritance & the trip to England. [Not sure what this is about, either.] About when you and I first moved into Aunt Toni's. I didn't. [And you had an encounter with James that caused you to move out the same night. I walked out the same night in solidarity and spent the next 10 weeks in our townhouse with no electricity!]

I could have said nothing, like I have over and over again. I could have blocked you, like I did with Lisa and James. I chose to believe there was a chance you would see the volume of what's here, the severity, and choose compassion.

You were the one who taught me that you need to love your family, you don't need to like them."

This is when Ilde blocked me from her Facebook page and FB messenger.

CONCLUSION

I obviously didn't know her at all. And why should I? She never shared her struggles. She never asked for help to understand what was happening. She refused to participate in discussions that might have given her openings to ask questions. 

After going through all of it with Perry, he said that what might have happened is that Ilde is around younger, newly transitioned people (her support group & possibly roommates) who are filling her head with their traumas and she is adopting them as her own. [I have seen it before with my stepdaughter. She transferred all the bad things her biological mother did to her (abuse) to me, like I had done them all to her. I didn't get her until she was 10 yo and ruined.] 

I have no excuse with my own child. I thought I did the best I could. I thought I taught her that I was here for her. That she could talk to me about ANYTHING! And then George died. I was traumatized and in shock and didn't pay enough attention, I guess. I should have not allowed the first partner to stay at our house (Jesse, a 16 yo with an abusive father). I should have taken more control of Ilde's life and education, instead of allowing her to quit and take the GED. I should have concentrated more on getting her into BCC. I was a wreck and just trying to provide for her and make her life happy. What all parents try to do.

My sister said that when she asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I said, "Not to have another one." What do you do when the one person on Earth that you live for, cuts you out of their life?