ESTRANGED

 PREFACE

I never thought I would ever be someone with which the word ESTRANGED would be associated. But since my child blocked me on Facebook and refuses to answer any of the messages I send to her phone, then SHE is estranged from me. My daughter is a trans woman since 2019.

STORY

On September 26th, 2021, my child posted to Facebook that I had broken her trust in commenting something that reminded her that I had not seen her in 3 years. The post wasn't even to her but in answer to a friend of mine of "Happy Birthday" (not really knowing whether it was to me or to Ilde, my daughter) who had commented that to Ilde's post. I had made the original post about Happy Daughter's Day to Ilde. Then my friend commented "HBD" and I commented back to her that it wasn't Ilde's birthday and that I missed her so much since I hadn't seen her in 3 years. This was all between me and my friend. Ilde flared up at me that that sort of comment was what she had specifically told me NOT to say. She then proceeded to rant on everything I had done wrong in her childhood and young adulthood (many recollections were just wrong!) and then she blocked me on Facebook! This was 2 days before my 65th birthday. It was a gut punch. Everybody that I showed or told about the rant was shocked. 

I have been messaging Ilde at the beginning of every month since without response. I want her to know that whatever is between us, I still love her. I try to act like none of this happened and send her news of what is happening in my life and her family's lives. She had already cut her cousin & his family out of her life, along with saying to me that I caused my late husband's family to ignore or reject her. Which is very confusing because they rejected me after my husband died in 2002 and have only peripherally responded to some of my posts on FB. I didn't do anything to deserve that treatment except not being a Pinsker by blood. Ilde is!  

CONCLUSION

I'm still so confused as to what happened. And not having an opportunity to talk it out has made it ten times worse. Christmas 2018, my son, Ian, came to visit from Wisconsin to south Florida (which is where he was born) and there was no indication that he had a conflict of identity. Within the next year, he came out as nonbinary. They/them were accepted by me as my child, that I loved more than life. Then they came out as trans woman, on Facebook, without a word to me or family. Okay. If that's what and who you are, I love you. Then she changed her name legally to Ilde Senesence. Okay. 

So after 34 years as Ian Pinsker, my son, she is now Ilde, as woman. You would think she would give me a little time to adjust. A little time to talk about what had transpired, now & in her life growing up. I had NO CLUE as to any of this as a possibility. There were no indications that he, Ian, had any gender identity confusion. This was literally "out of the blue" for me. I just wish Ilde would forgive me for my ignorance of any sign I missed along the way. So I have apologized for not being perfect, for not seeing things (that she could have told me about at any time, but didn't). I did the best I could. As all parents will say about how their adult children turned out. 

EXISTENCE VS. LIVING

PREFACE

Existence: the fact or state of living or having objective reality. A being of entity.

Living: the pursuit of a lifestyle of the specified type.

STORY

You can exist from day to day. Satisfying the elements of daily life that continues existence. A human being on life support with minimal brain activity or in a coma, exists. But is that living? If a person is aware of their surroundings, receives the minimum to survive, but does not move forward in the pursuit of improving or changing their life, is that living?

These questions can be asked about every existing human being. Those in a war zone just trying to survive today. Those houseless on the street. Those in assisted-living facilities, prisons, loveless marriages, single people with no family or friends, etc.... We are born into existence alone. We die alone. In between, we live our lives either by choice or by chance. So much effects how our lives unfold but we, for the most part, decide to continue existing.

What happens when a person loses the will to survive? No matter how many loved ones they are surrounded by, they just don't have the passion for anything. Nothing to look forward to each day. Looking for joy and not finding it. Existing, but not living.

CONCLUSION

I have cared for others in my life to the exclusion of self-consideration. Worked hard to improve myself through education to find my place in the world. I found joy through teaching. I found joy with a soulmate (for 20 years). I brought a child into the world and dedicated myself to raising that child to be a loving, caring, giving, independent, and productive human being. (I got something wrong there. How or what did I do to be pushed away and abandoned? It's soul crushing.) 

So I exist now, one day to the next. I am alive but not really living. Not pursuing any improvement. Not practicing anything that brings me joy. 

I had not seen Dr. J for almost 2 years when I discovered she is on my present health insurance. I've seen her once now. I think maybe I need to make an appt with her, my therapist, today. Peace & Joy.