ESTRANGED

 PREFACE

I never thought I would ever be someone with which the word ESTRANGED would be associated. But since my child blocked me on Facebook and refuses to answer any of the messages I send to her phone, then SHE is estranged from me. My daughter is a trans woman since 2019.

STORY

On September 26th, 2021, my child posted to Facebook that I had broken her trust in commenting something that reminded her that I had not seen her in 3 years. The post wasn't even to her but in answer to a friend of mine of "Happy Birthday" (not really knowing whether it was to me or to Ilde, my daughter) who had commented that to Ilde's post. I had made the original post about Happy Daughter's Day to Ilde. Then my friend commented "HBD" and I commented back to her that it wasn't Ilde's birthday and that I missed her so much since I hadn't seen her in 3 years. This was all between me and my friend. Ilde flared up at me that that sort of comment was what she had specifically told me NOT to say. She then proceeded to rant on everything I had done wrong in her childhood and young adulthood (many recollections were just wrong!) and then she blocked me on Facebook! This was 2 days before my 65th birthday. It was a gut punch. Everybody that I showed or told about the rant was shocked. 

I have been messaging Ilde at the beginning of every month since without response. I want her to know that whatever is between us, I still love her. I try to act like none of this happened and send her news of what is happening in my life and her family's lives. She had already cut her cousin & his family out of her life, along with saying to me that I caused my late husband's family to ignore or reject her. Which is very confusing because they rejected me after my husband died in 2002 and have only peripherally responded to some of my posts on FB. I didn't do anything to deserve that treatment except not being a Pinsker by blood. Ilde is!  

CONCLUSION

I'm still so confused as to what happened. And not having an opportunity to talk it out has made it ten times worse. Christmas 2018, my son, Ian, came to visit from Wisconsin to south Florida (which is where he was born) and there was no indication that he had a conflict of identity. Within the next year, he came out as nonbinary. They/them were accepted by me as my child, that I loved more than life. Then they came out as trans woman, on Facebook, without a word to me or family. Okay. If that's what and who you are, I love you. Then she changed her name legally to Ilde Senesence. Okay. 

So after 34 years as Ian Pinsker, my son, she is now Ilde, as woman. You would think she would give me a little time to adjust. A little time to talk about what had transpired, now & in her life growing up. I had NO CLUE as to any of this as a possibility. There were no indications that he, Ian, had any gender identity confusion. This was literally "out of the blue" for me. I just wish Ilde would forgive me for my ignorance of any sign I missed along the way. So I have apologized for not being perfect, for not seeing things (that she could have told me about at any time, but didn't). I did the best I could. As all parents will say about how their adult children turned out. 

EXISTENCE VS. LIVING

PREFACE

Existence: the fact or state of living or having objective reality. A being of entity.

Living: the pursuit of a lifestyle of the specified type.

STORY

You can exist from day to day. Satisfying the elements of daily life that continues existence. A human being on life support with minimal brain activity or in a coma, exists. But is that living? If a person is aware of their surroundings, receives the minimum to survive, but does not move forward in the pursuit of improving or changing their life, is that living?

These questions can be asked about every existing human being. Those in a war zone just trying to survive today. Those houseless on the street. Those in assisted-living facilities, prisons, loveless marriages, single people with no family or friends, etc.... We are born into existence alone. We die alone. In between, we live our lives either by choice or by chance. So much effects how our lives unfold but we, for the most part, decide to continue existing.

What happens when a person loses the will to survive? No matter how many loved ones they are surrounded by, they just don't have the passion for anything. Nothing to look forward to each day. Looking for joy and not finding it. Existing, but not living.

CONCLUSION

I have cared for others in my life to the exclusion of self-consideration. Worked hard to improve myself through education to find my place in the world. I found joy through teaching. I found joy with a soulmate (for 20 years). I brought a child into the world and dedicated myself to raising that child to be a loving, caring, giving, independent, and productive human being. (I got something wrong there. How or what did I do to be pushed away and abandoned? It's soul crushing.) 

So I exist now, one day to the next. I am alive but not really living. Not pursuing any improvement. Not practicing anything that brings me joy. 

I had not seen Dr. J for almost 2 years when I discovered she is on my present health insurance. I've seen her once now. I think maybe I need to make an appt with her, my therapist, today. Peace & Joy. 

COVID-19 STAY-IN-PLACE: WEEK 16?!

PREFACE
Here we all are. People going stir crazy, protesting wearing masks in public places, protesting civil rights (George Floyd murder, police brutality, murder by police of black people, Black Lives Matter...), people calling for de-funding the police (diverting funds to other community services that have been slashed and now the police have to do them), and a spike in COVID-19 cases since "phase 1" re-opening of the states.

STORY
WTF?! Each new day brings unimagined horror. Our leadership is "off the grid" insane.

Gassing citizen's exercising their right to assemble, so #45 can stroll across to the damaged church he never attends and hold up a BIBLE?! The police that stood by and were yelled at and spit on by white "I've got the right not to wear a mask," GUN TOTING!, protesters...stood fast in front of the state capital! didn't fire teargas (pepper bombs...whatever), didn't fire rubber bullets into the crowd. A crowd that was an untrained militia carrying assault rifles to the capital. Nothing?

But peaceful, non-combative protesters, mostly of color, marching to protest the way police treats POC! are gassed by police, and shot at with rubber bullets, arrested, beaten, along with REPORTERS! with no regard for public safety. I understand that police have the responsibility to maintain order...but a PEACEFUL protest doesn't require teargas! or tasers! or urban assault vehicles!

And now, to address the "phase 1" re-opening!! TOO SOON! Everybody said TOO SOON! But the orange toddler claims the economy is more important than the lives of the elderly. What's 200,000 dead compared to a profit margin?! If you order everyone to re-open, then everyone has to go back to work...no more UE benefits to pay out (that is if you GOT benefits at all! Florida is not on the ball when it comes to Unemployment benefits.). People started going out to clubs, bars, and bar/restaurants WITHOUT MASKS! and then some with masks. Code enforcement closed them down. Daily infection rates went up to ALL NEW HIGHS, breaking records each consecutive day! There was NEVER A FLATTENED CURVE!

CONCLUSION
I had been working again after not working for two months. I do vendor work, going into stores (which are not as crowded as they were pre-COVID) and wearing my mask, washing my hands after each location. I visited (34) 7-Elevens over three weeks, with one week break before the last week. I cancelled the last 6 locations because of the spike in cases. It doesn't look like I will be getting back to work before the end of the year or longer. It doesn't look like the leadership, nor the citizens, are exercising good judgement or good sense. I think I'll wait for a TRULY FLATTENED CURVE before I venture out to work among the masses again.

I really don't know what to expect from day to day. It's exhausting. I'm depressed most of the time. I'm not sleeping right. It's a million degrees outside in the daytime, so...no going out anyway. Things are shutting down again, so...no going out. I need to work on stuff here, at home. My garden. Fitting in some exercise. Reading! Yeah, right. There is no "getting back to normal" ever again. There is only THE NEW NORMAL. What is happening now. What will be "normal" going forward. What will keep us safe, healthy, and alive. FUCK THE TRUMP VIRUS! We will survive! And come November, send in the military and ESCORT HIM OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE! Better days are coming!

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2019!

PREFACE
A new year. What joy will this year bring to me? Every day is a new chance for joy. Not just the first day of the new year. But we all see it and mark it as a new beginning.

STORY
This year brings along with it the old problems of the last two years, since #45 was put into the presidency. I resolved last year to "unplug" from the news on the weekends on Friday night and not watch the news again until Sunday night. This gives me a break from the non-stop dumpster fire that is the Trump presidency!

I am also still fighting the effects of PTSD, depression and anxiety, but the need to fight them is getting a little more infrequent. I have tried to start a running count of "days I haven't cried" but can't seem to get past 3 days. I am still broken.

I started a weight loss program in the beginning of November. I've lost 11 lbs, even through the holidays. I'm in my 14th week and I'm going to lose 60 lbs. I am tired of carrying around the extra weight. I'm tired of my joints aching. I'm tired of not being able to do things that I use to do with ease. I'm just tired! This program (Noom) is based online and aligns with my lifestyle. This will be a success!!

CONCLUSION
So with a new year, comes a new outlook. My one resolution this year will be to move forward.

AND FALL IS UPON US

PREFACE
Good thoughts. Think of how you want your life to be and it will be. Thought becomes reality. I am really losing patience. Had a birthday, lost my job, may lose my home, car is in need of repair, haven't seen family all summer, NO dating prospects...

STORY
The weather is turning cooler, thank Mother Nature for that! It is a glorious time of year to be outside and to work in my gardens. I have three raised flower gardens in the front of the house and one veggie/herb garden in the back. The water from the well has quit twice now...very late this year for it to be short on water...hmmm. Got 23 plants on Friday from Lowe's, for $24! Such a deal!! Now I have to plant them before they wilt and die. I have been wanting some Cannas to plant and most of them are...some red flowers, some with variegated-striped leaves, some with dark coloring under the leaves...beautiful. And they were going to throw them away!!

I got notice that the house I am living in and have lived in for 4 years is going to be judged for a final foreclosure decision on Dec. 6, 2013. My backdoor neighbor said that even after that, it may be several months before any action against me takes place. I am expecting a miracle.

I haven't heard anything from the college about me teaching in the spring as yet. The schedule came out on November 1st and even if I'm not listed, they should know if they are going to bring me in to teach. I live for teaching, love it so much, and I don't know what to do when I'm not teaching. Teaching is what I am meant to do.

My health has suffered at my own hands. I have been idle for SIX months and my body is showing me that this has to be reversed or I am headed for trouble. My muscle tone is gone, my hip joints hurt...not to mention the increased pain in my knees and back, and I'm starting to look and feel my age. What a horror!! This is not how I want to be. I can change this. Exercise. I have lost 20lbs.

CONCLUSION
Get up, get moving, DO SOMETHING...build the life I want. Peace & Joy!

AND HERE WE ARE AGAIN

PREFACE
It seems that every three years, I am unemployed from teaching at college level. Never mind that I don't have my terminal degree (Master's in Fine Arts, like a PhD but not called a PhD, still no degree above it). Never mind that I get higher student review scores than full time professor colleagues. Never mind that I'm a woman, and post-secondary institutions are notorious for being male-heavy in their instructors/professors! Oh, and besides, I have no significant man in my life.

STORY
I have worked for this college for 3 years. I was told that my "credit hours" were to be cut due to Obamacare and I couldn't go over the requirements of 30 hours. WHAT!? I teach 10 hours a WEEK! That requirement to provide health insurance coverage for employees that work over 30 hours...is per WEEK. I teach 4 classes, 2.5hrs each class = 10 hours for fall semester (12 credit hrs). Plus 10 hours for spring semester (12 credit hrs).. Plus 2 classes, 6 hrs/week for 6 weeks for summer terms A and B  (12 credit hrs total). That comes to 36 credit hours for the YEAR! not per week. Ok, so cut me back to no classes in the summer = 24 credit hours (NO, TOO CLOSE TO 30!) Frustrating getting a straight answer out of anyone.

Along comes SACS accreditation and 4 adjuncts get axed due to no MFAs. 2 women, 1 black man out of 4. Hmmm. A vague promise to hire me back in the spring when SACS is off their backs. Meanwhile, I'm living on $692 (+ $162 food stamps) per month. Not a whole lotta living-wage jobs out there for a 57 yo woman without a masters degree.

CONCLUSION
I am confident that everything will work out for the best for me. Right now, my depression has kicked in and I have to go to sleep. Tomorrow is another day (actually it's already tomorrow...hmmm, looking out the window...looks like a better day!). Namaste'