ESTRANGED

 PREFACE

I never thought I would ever be someone with which the word ESTRANGED would be associated. But since my child blocked me on Facebook and refuses to answer any of the messages I send to her phone, then SHE is estranged from me. My daughter is a trans woman since 2019.

STORY

On September 26th, 2021, my child posted to Facebook that I had broken her trust in commenting something that reminded her that I had not seen her in 3 years. The post wasn't even to her but in answer to a friend of mine of "Happy Birthday" (not really knowing whether it was to me or to Ilde, my daughter) who had commented that to Ilde's post. I had made the original post about Happy Daughter's Day to Ilde. Then my friend commented "HBD" and I commented back to her that it wasn't Ilde's birthday and that I missed her so much since I hadn't seen her in 3 years. This was all between me and my friend. Ilde flared up at me that that sort of comment was what she had specifically told me NOT to say. She then proceeded to rant on everything I had done wrong in her childhood and young adulthood (many recollections were just wrong!) and then she blocked me on Facebook! This was 2 days before my 65th birthday. It was a gut punch. Everybody that I showed or told about the rant was shocked. 

I have been messaging Ilde at the beginning of every month since without response. I want her to know that whatever is between us, I still love her. I try to act like none of this happened and send her news of what is happening in my life and her family's lives. She had already cut her cousin & his family out of her life, along with saying to me that I caused my late husband's family to ignore or reject her. Which is very confusing because they rejected me after my husband died in 2002 and have only peripherally responded to some of my posts on FB. I didn't do anything to deserve that treatment except not being a Pinsker by blood. Ilde is!  

CONCLUSION

I'm still so confused as to what happened. And not having an opportunity to talk it out has made it ten times worse. Christmas 2018, my son, Ian, came to visit from Wisconsin to south Florida (which is where he was born) and there was no indication that he had a conflict of identity. Within the next year, he came out as nonbinary. They/them were accepted by me as my child, that I loved more than life. Then they came out as trans woman, on Facebook, without a word to me or family. Okay. If that's what and who you are, I love you. Then she changed her name legally to Ilde Senesence. Okay. 

So after 34 years as Ian Pinsker, my son, she is now Ilde, as woman. You would think she would give me a little time to adjust. A little time to talk about what had transpired, now & in her life growing up. I had NO CLUE as to any of this as a possibility. There were no indications that he, Ian, had any gender identity confusion. This was literally "out of the blue" for me. I just wish Ilde would forgive me for my ignorance of any sign I missed along the way. So I have apologized for not being perfect, for not seeing things (that she could have told me about at any time, but didn't). I did the best I could. As all parents will say about how their adult children turned out. 

HAPPY FUCKING 65TH BIRTHDAY TO ME! (PART 1)

 PREFACE

BIG 65TH BIRTHDAY! Not a happy one. Two days before, my transgender daughter cut me out of her life. I was devastated. Caught totally by surprise (not anything new as my child has kept me in the dark about so many things she was going through). You think you know what's going on in your children's life(lives), but you don't. I have only had three years to adjust to these major changes in her life. She was my son for 33 years and gave me NO clue(s) as to there being an identity crisis.

STORY

This is what my daughter, Ilde, posted for all to see on Facebook: (2021/09/26)

"Yesterday was Daughter day. I let down my guard. My mother posted something for the first time that made me feel so validated I cried happy tears.

CW: trauma [<-- have no idea what this means]

Then in back to back comments, she did the one thing I've specifically told her makes me feel so guilty I avoid interacting with her. 

[I am not responsible for another's guilt. I have never been one to purposefully make someone feel guilty. Not my style. I responded with a comment to another comment that was in error, wishing Ilde a happy birthday. I commented that, "My birthday is in 2 days. My birthday wish would be to be with my daughter. I hadn't seen Ilde since 2018 and I missed her very much." THAT is what made her feel guilty! I never meant that Ilde HAD to be responsible for visiting!]

I haven't been to Florida since December 2018. It's for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that going back is emotionally draining. I've lost a lot of friends down there in the last few years. The first time I went back after I "came out" - that is, decided not to filter my posts - I was cornered, asked why I didn't talk to my family about it, and asked if I could be misgendered by them still. Here's the answer I wanted to give at the time. 

[I would love to know who said this. And I didn't know it was so emotionally draining. I would have been just as happy to go see her in Wisconsin!]

I didn't tell you I was queer for the same reason you asked me why I didn't tell you I was queer. I didn't tell you for the same reason you asked if I could still be your son, your nephew, or any number of other masc-identified terms. My queerness is about me. My gender journey is hard enough managing my own emotions, going through most of it with a partner, and then a spouse, who told me she wouldn't love me if I was a woman. Who cheated on me. Who told me the day I got the courage to say hey, I spent the last 6 months putting myself in a place where I can help you address the cracks in our relationship, that she didn't want to, and left that very night. Having 3 different people in the following year show me they didn't see me as queer, or nonbinary, in different, intimate, and hurtful ways. So no, I didn't talk to you about it. I listened to how you talked about the trans woman you wouldn't date, how you reassured me that you never felt like "anything" other than "what" you were. I heard you when you talked about Tootsie, and Eddie Izzard, and Mrs Doubtfire in my youth. I internalized the words "learned helplessness" to the point that I've pushed myself to burnout over and over and over again. I built a mask of masculinity because as a *child* you told a doctor I didn't measure up to the ideal of maleness you thought I should, and wanted him to give me medicine to "fix" me. I heard you tell me and anyone who would listen how smart I was and able I was and beam with pride because obviously I didn't have ADD like those other kids, that throwaway diagnosis. All the while you sat in those IEP conferences, with the same problems every year about focus, homework, staying on task. You fought for me so hard to make sure my letter grade measured up, but didn't pay attention to the fact that I was desperately lonely, didn't socialize with kids my age outside of school, and was chronically traumatized by the bullying I suffered at the hands of my peers. That you were so avoidant of the topic of sex that both times I was assaulted, I dissociated the memories rather than come to you for help. 

[None of this is true, except for not coming to me for help or to talk about sex in any form. Every time I broached the subject, my child shut me down and refused to talk about it. Never told me about being assaulted. Never told me about bullying. And was never IN an IEP meeting with me, except maybe at the magnet school at 15 yo when I was trying to find the best solution to furthering her education.]

I'm older now than you were when I was born. I've spent nearly half my life away from my family. As an adult - as a 36 year old queer woman, I am done pretending my life, my childhood, was well adjusted and perfect. I lost 20 years to a trauma my family doesn't even know happened. I never had a chance to have a body that truly reflects who I am, how I see myself. Even if I'd had the words, there's no would where you would have entertained putting me on puberty blockers, not in the 1990s. 20 years later you made my coming out about you, prepubescant Ilde never had a chance. I've spent the last 5 years unraveling trauma I'll be working on for the rest of my life.

[How am I suppose to help with a trauma I didn't know about? She never even realized that we had a very diverse set of friends and acquaintances; gay, lesbian, transgender...IN THE 1990s!]

To be perfectly clear, though, this post isn't about you. This post is about me. Regardless of the fact that you're the reason Neal and the rest of Dad's side of the family doesn't talk to me. Regardless of the fact that I haven't spoken to James and Lisa in years. Regardless of the fact that I can't think about flying back to Florida - the place I used to reflexively call "home" [at least, used to call home without it making me sad] - without getting weighted down by guilt, having to make the awful choice of whether to open myself up to spending a massive amount of emotional energy on handling then recovering from guilt and abuse over how long it's been since I've been back, or hiding the fact I'm there at all.

[I'm not the reason the Pinsker side doesn't talk to her. THEY don't talk to ME either! They cut me off as soon as the Irving/Mae Pinsker estate was divided up, maybe even before. This happened to Aunt Irene too! She was married to Irving's brother, Al, and when he died, they stopped all communication with her. "She wasn't blood."]

This post is about me. Before you give me crap about airing my dirty laundry or whatever other WASPy socially acceptable phrase people use for shaming others who own the trauma they face, know that I've had to build my life, climb out of debt, start and end two marriages, raise and lose a child, rebuild an entire identity, build a nearly two decade long career, and buy a house all on my own.

[Yes it is all about you. It sounds like you've had coaching on "how this is suppose to go" from younger, newly transgender people with whom you identify. They have had all this trauma, so you must have had it too. They have had all this rejection from their families, so you must have had it too. There are things you "remember" that DID NOT HAPPEN. And you cannot blame me for NOT being a mind reader, for things YOU did not tell me, share with me, come to me for help. I always thought you felt like you could talk to me. I was wrong.]

If this post upsets you, allow me to suggest you Google DBT distress tolerance skills and employ them - TIP, REST, or soothing your five senses are likely the most effective. I cannot carry the emotional water of managing your reactions, of being enmeshed with you, of treating your emotions like my own. The whiplash yesterday was just a bridge too far."

[I have been using distress tolerance skills my whole life. Those coping skills were natural for me. I didn't have any psychologist to tell me about them because I was raised to "walk it off" and get on with it. It was not accepted that mental health was a right.]

CONCLUSION

I lost my mother at 15, and then lost my father at 24.  I lost my teen years because I had to grow up way too fast. Gave up a child at 18. Was deceived by my first husband before he started mentally abusing me. Left him to hitchhike 1100 miles with a hitman, to settle on the other side of Florida, separated from my family and missing saying goodbye to my dying father. I met the love of my life in George, made a life with him for 20 years, only to lose him, as I watched him die in front of my eyes and there was nothing I could do to save him. 19 years later and I can't even type those words without crying and it all coming back like it happened today. I have PTSD because of it. 

I also have Ilde because of George. We/I raised an incredible child, with intelligence, ethics, and a huge heart. Too big sometimes as she wants to take on all the woes of everyone they care about. Too trusting in loving a partner she can't see them for their genuine self. Too secretive for some reason I can't fathom. If anyone could understand about incidents in her life, I can. She ran away from me, when she should have been running towards me. 

4 DAYS 'TIL SUMMER!

PREFACE
Summer in south Florida started in March! Truth be told, we've had a few days this spring that were quite nice. Below 70 degrees even. But when you're 8 inches from the sun, SUMMER is half the year.

STORY
Having lived most of my life in south Florida, I'm not surprised that it is over 80 degrees on April 2nd. But when it gets to be June, it's over 90 degrees every day! And that is just the thermometer reading, not factoring in the humidity over 80% most days and lack of cloud cover (read as "sun beating down relentlessly"). I remember half a dozen days in the summer being over 100! when I was a kid. I remember downtown flooding "because it's near impossible to drain sea level" and more than 2 days of straight rain causes flooding. There's no place for water to go 'down' when you're at sea level!

What is surprising to me is to look at the rest of the country and their weather. My son lives in Madison, WI and today it was 74 degrees there. My nephew lives in San Francisco, CA and it was  70. There are other places to live besides here! The only problem is that THEY have their extremes too. Where I can't live is a place where it gets colder than freezing (32 degrees F), or I can't see the sky most of the year (gray, cloud covered, low hanging sky is SO DEPRESSING!), nor a place that has lots of tornadoes. I need to be close to water (even if it's not the ocean, which is preferred). Now that the sea level is rising, HERE is not a good place to live.

CONCLUSION
We've been looking at Georgia and South Carolina for places to live. It's hard for my sister because she's got so much history here (50 years in the same house, this year). She has connections to the community. (And she HATES change.) I'm not so rooted.

I have lived with my sister for the past 5 years. I know that due to my income and PTSD, that I'm not likely to move out and get my own place. Where ever she decides will be a good place for her, will be fine with me. I can eBay from anywhere. I'm retired, so no job to sever myself from. My friends have moved away or I moved away from them. Most of my friends are now online, more than in person. I can live anywhere. I would just like to live somewhere that it doesn't feel like I just walked into HELL's front door when I walk out my front door!

SUPER BOWL SUNDAY, 50TH ANNIVERSARY!

PREFACE
It's the 50th Super Bowl and I'm celebrating it at my nephew's house. I really don't care much who wins. I do like to see a good football game, so I hope it is one. My sister is cooking mac'n'cheese to take and I'm off to try to do two installations before joining the festivities.

STORY
I really enjoy the commercials more than the game or half time. My late husband, George, was an audio/visual-phile and taped all the Super Bowls while we were married. I had 20 years of them on VHS. They sold well at my yard sale after he passed and I lost my home. I miss George more than any of the things I have lost since. There are times I am more emotional about his absence. Super Bowl Sunday is one of them.

CONCLUSION
As you enjoy the pinnacle of the favorite American past time (or one of them), hold your loved ones close and imprint the joy in your memory. You never know how many more chances you have. Yell at the screen! Eat, and don't think about the calories! Tell stories and laugh out loud! Put down the cellphone, the iPad, the laptop, and immerse yourself in the friends and family surrounding you. EAT! DRINK! AND BE MERRY! Enjoy! (and GO PANTHERS!!) :)

Adventures in Flying! Happy New Year!

PREFACE
A happy, healthy, and prosperous New Year to you and yours! I had a wonderful time, once I got to Wisconsin. Adventures in flying! My flight was cancelled twice during my layover in Charlotte, N.C. and finally I was put on a flight to Dallas! and then flew into Madison, instead of Milwaukee. I left Ft. Lauderdale at 10 A.M. and didn't get into Madison until 11 P.M.! But it's all good. 

STORY
There was 7 inches of new snow on the ground and I was very thankful for my sister's snow boots and gloves. The ceremony for my son, Ian, and his bride, Erin, was informal at the courthouse. There were local friends and family there. The bride and groom's mothers were the official witnesses (me and her mother). The vows made me cry and I had no tissues, of course. The judge was friendly and funny and the ceremony was moving. Then we all went to dinner. Good times!

CONCLUSION
My son and his new bride are starting the new year out as husband and wife. My own parents chose Dec. 31st as their wedding day. I think it is a nice repeat of a tradition. I can already see that they will be much happier than my parents were. They are much more in sync and have more commonality. They remind me of my marriage to Ian's father and the soul-mate, best friend bond that we had together for 20 years. It gives me  a warm feeling in my heart and comfort that my son will have the kind of love that made him be possible. HAPPY, HEALTHY, & PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR! 2016!

MOVING DISASTER

PREFACE: 

I wish the best to all of you having to move by choice but please APPRECIATE anyone who is helping you! I just had to vacate my (5 year) rental due to my landlord lost the house in foreclosure and it was auctioned in January. So that means I moved NOT by choice. My 2/2 with 1 car garage was holding the accumulated possessions of 20 years with my late husband, momentos of my son growing up, 14+ years of crafting and fine arts, ongoing eBay sales items, and 10 years of teaching (student work) at college level. I had 60 days to whittle down the mass, pack and store it all...or get rid of it. NOT enough time doing it by myself! 

DISASTER STORY: 

The last night of moving belongings into a rented UHaul (by myself) ended in a bad step off the back of the truck as I BEGAN to unload this last load into the storage unit. I fell 4 1/2 feet and landed on my right foot, hearing a loud POP in my knee, crumbling down to try to catch myself with my left leg twisting my ankle, down...down...down landing just above my tailbone and then hitting the back of my head on the parking lot blacktop. Laying there for 20 minutes, crying from the pain, in a puddle with a light rain falling on me...not knowing what damage I'd done...the storage facility now closed to incoming traffic...I was completely alone, with a full moving truck to be unloaded! I finally limped and hopped my way back to the cab of the truck, crawled up into it, welcoming the heater available as it was dropping to 59 degrees rapidly! and my cellphone! I called everyone I knew within 50 miles and got mostly voicemail response. It was 9:30 on a Tuesday night. One of my friends said he'd come and bring others to help when I refused to call an ambulance. He came, with a friend and they both unloaded my truck. I couldn't walk but could press the gas pedal to drive the truck back to the house again for the things I had left for last minute loading into my car and distribution to others. They loaded up my UHaul truck again, and unloaded it again into my storage unit. THAT is true friendship!

At 2 a.m., I drove myself to the ER, used a Rubbermaid two-step ladder as a walker, and after x-rays found out I had broken my leg. I spent the next 8 hours in ER, getting pain shots and pills so they could straighten my leg to put a splint brace on. They released me to another friend to drive me away from the hospital, not that I was letting that happen. I had her drive me to my car and I drove to her house (up 2 flights of stairs! where the rest of my stuff was & my cat!). I was moving that day to my sister's house 140 miles south. I had already told her not to drive up to get me, I wasn't towing my car down, that I was capable of driving (with both feet), and would arrive later that day.

I am now recuperating with family in a spare room with all that I could pack into my subcompact Toyota. I had to suspend all my online selling, my artwork, and my crafting until I am (literally) on my feet again. Moving doesn't suck, it is a gut-wrenching life event that is like losing a loved one, especially if you aren't in charge of the decision. At this point, 17 days later, I don't know what I saved and stored and what was left to scavengers and the landfill. I have flashbacks about items that I'm not sure I still have in one place or the other. It was traumatic on so many levels that it will be some time before I am able to move forward, much less create and enjoy my arts again.

RESOLUTION: I am allowing myself time to heal. Writing about it is cathartic and hopefully will help others. I am so grateful for my dear friends who helped me through this and my beloved family who is helping me heal. Things can be replaced, people cannot! As long as your move includes those you love, you can always survive. 

SPRING HAS SPRUNG!

PREFACE
With spring comes renewal. Grass becomes green again, budding leaves and flowers everywhere, and change is in the air. My life is going through a big change and I don't have a clue how it will all turn out!

STORY
My landlord's house was sold at foreclosure auction on January 22nd. I have been getting letters all about it as the "unknown tenant" but with my name right next to that. So "unknown" but named...lol. Fannie Mae bought the house at auction, and is the agency that guaranteed the original "underwater" mortgage. Funny how things work.

It has been very traumatic to have to move again, and in with family again after 5 years of being on my own in a beautiful town and neighborhood. In central Florida, 2 hours from anywhere I would want to go (but didn't, except to visit family...where I'm moving back to!). I'm under a monumental amount of stress right now, and I broke down into uncontrollable crying today, just to slow me down some more.

I am asking myself what decisions did I make to get me here? Was I using good judgement when I signed up for a graduate level class in November and then continued to pursue that decision until I became $1000 in debt to family friend and 3 weeks away from the end of semester, still not knowing if I can pass this course or not. And when I do pass the class, it won't count for anything if I'm not accepted into the MFA program to complete my degree (of which I have 40/60 credits). It's all hanging in limbo, just like me.

Moving back in with my family entails the loss of freedom. No more walking around naked in the morning or sleeping that way at night. No friends allowed over. My cat isn't allowed anywhere there is carpet, so just my room and the enclosed porch. None of my furniture (my bed!) is allowed in except maybe my computer desk. And if I don't pass my class, I'll have to leave...move again!

I am grateful that I have somewhere to go, even if for only a month or two.

CONCLUSION
I must re-examine what I am manifesting if this is where I am right now. I don't want to be at this point, with these decisions and pressure, moving back to where I gladly left 5 years ago. I don't want to be "let go" from another college teaching job after 3 years because I don't have my MFA! I just wish I knew what to do, what to decide. I will meditate (which I have been doing more and more lately) and ask again, and again, and again, until I get a clear answer. My life seems to be nothing but change and renewal. Happy Spring!

AND FALL IS UPON US

PREFACE
Good thoughts. Think of how you want your life to be and it will be. Thought becomes reality. I am really losing patience. Had a birthday, lost my job, may lose my home, car is in need of repair, haven't seen family all summer, NO dating prospects...

STORY
The weather is turning cooler, thank Mother Nature for that! It is a glorious time of year to be outside and to work in my gardens. I have three raised flower gardens in the front of the house and one veggie/herb garden in the back. The water from the well has quit twice now...very late this year for it to be short on water...hmmm. Got 23 plants on Friday from Lowe's, for $24! Such a deal!! Now I have to plant them before they wilt and die. I have been wanting some Cannas to plant and most of them are...some red flowers, some with variegated-striped leaves, some with dark coloring under the leaves...beautiful. And they were going to throw them away!!

I got notice that the house I am living in and have lived in for 4 years is going to be judged for a final foreclosure decision on Dec. 6, 2013. My backdoor neighbor said that even after that, it may be several months before any action against me takes place. I am expecting a miracle.

I haven't heard anything from the college about me teaching in the spring as yet. The schedule came out on November 1st and even if I'm not listed, they should know if they are going to bring me in to teach. I live for teaching, love it so much, and I don't know what to do when I'm not teaching. Teaching is what I am meant to do.

My health has suffered at my own hands. I have been idle for SIX months and my body is showing me that this has to be reversed or I am headed for trouble. My muscle tone is gone, my hip joints hurt...not to mention the increased pain in my knees and back, and I'm starting to look and feel my age. What a horror!! This is not how I want to be. I can change this. Exercise. I have lost 20lbs.

CONCLUSION
Get up, get moving, DO SOMETHING...build the life I want. Peace & Joy!

DAY 19: NEW INSPIRATION

PREFACE
Since Monday, I have made adjustments to the coming change in my life. My son is moving in with me due to his crisis in credit and not being able to rent a place of his own. This has caused him to give notice on a IT job that paid VERY well but was in South Beach in Miami. If he moved in with me, he would have a 3 hour commute to Miami...and NO amount of money is worth that. So this new development in my life has caused me to re-evaluate my daily routine and my goals. It has inspired me to pull myself together and do some things that I have put off, now crucial for the incoming additions to my household. I am THRILLED to have him moving in. I have missed him so much.

STORY
(Short version) Ian is 24 and just got his divorce on January 15th. It was a long time coming and a very stressful, messy affair to extricate himself from, which has dragged on for four years. They were too young to marry but my son felt it was the honorable thing to do after she became pregnant. I have a five year old granddaughter for which he shares custody with her maternal great-grandmother.

He and his soon-to-be wife moved out of my house in 2005. I have missed him terribly since then, only seeing him occasionally because I'm not the nagging, guilt-dispensing typical "mother" that you see so often in the entertainment media. So I am very happy to be able to reconnect with my son and help him in his time of need. He will also be able to help me.

He has already inspired me to rededicate my efforts to my goals; weight loss, exercise, and continuing education. He's going back to college to earn his degree. It is an outside catalyst that I can wrap my mind around and give myself a push. I love him so much. I want to be around when HE becomes a grandfather! To my health!

CONCLUSION
Young couples and parents don't realize when they make a baby that that child is your child for life. They never leave your life. They may go out on their own, but they come back...they always come back, for good or bad...they are of your body, your blood, your soul. They have their own problems and have to find their own solutions. You can be there to help, if asked. We can learn as much from them as we can teach them, maybe more.

And they can be there, to show you that there is always hope. Hope for better days, better health, a better life. I am so thankful to have him. He is my family.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! HAPPY THURSDAY

PREFACE
This was a first for me. I am alone on Thanksgiving Day. For as long as I can remember, I have been around family or friends on this day. Today, it's just another Thursday! but I did give thanks.

STORY
It's not that I didn't have anywhere to go, or I could have made my own dinner and invited one or more to it. For the past 28 years, I have been going to my sister's house for T-day. This year she decided not to cook, partially due to an accident she had in her SUV five days prior, part due to tight finances (not surprising with the economy today), and part due to fewer attendees. I'm 140 miles away but would have driven to celebrate with them had she cooked. My son has issues with attending anymore, due to a falling out last Christmas. That left my sister and her son, and their friends (many either already committed to other places or out-of-town).

Thanksgiving use to be the 'opening celebration' to the coming holiday season...Christmas, Hanakkah, and New Years...and in the past there had been as many as 24 people attending the dinner at Toni's. Everyone helped by bringing covered dishes, wine, desserts, appetizers...doing dishes, carving the turkey...pitching in and making it a community effort. Christmas dinner was much the same, except that there were always more Jews than Christians attending. We mused at the irony. My husband and lots of our friends were Jewish.

Things have changed a lot since my husband, George, died seven years ago. Children grow up, friends grow apart, and the loss of family and 'family of friends' has taken a toll on tradition. I have been in a constant state of change for seven years and I feel very good about it, about where it is leading me and where I want it to lead me.

CONCLUSION
Tradition is a wonderful thing but you can't let it dictate your happiness. I am thankful for each and every day I wake up and I'm given another chance for joy and happiness. I am thankful to be who I am and where I am right now. I am thankful to know that I have the love and support of family and friends. I am thankful for the journey I am on and the discoveries I have made and will make. When we need tradition, we can have it or make new ones. Life is a journey, not a destination. Change is inevitable and necessary for growth. You can let it happen to you or you can take charge of the direction. I choose to take control. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

WILD & WOOLLY WEEKEND

PREFACE
For anyone who's read previous posts, I take mini-vacations when I have a few extra bucks. This is to give myself exposure to a new location, to try out different hotels in different cities (even though sometimes the cities are familiar to me). I recently heard the term "stay-cation" for booking a hotel in your own town "just to get away" from familiar home surroundings. At any rate, I booked two nights in a four star (****) Hilton by Ft. Lauderdale Beach to attend an 80's themed dance put on by POF on Saturday night and a comedy show at the Miami Improv on Sunday night.

STORY
The decision was based on the 80's themed dance being sponsored by a member of Plentyoffish.com and it was suggested that everyone dress in the style of the decade. The music was to be from the 1980's, with drink specials from 8-10PM and no end time put on the dance (8 to ??). Then I received an email from the Miami Improv with a deal for four tickets requiring only the service charge ($2.50/ticket) and the two drink minimum. This is always a great deal. Most good headliners demand $15-30 per ticket plus a two drink minimum (starting at $5/drink). So I bought 4 tickets just in case, booked the two days at the Hilton for $50/night (naming my own price...thank you priceline.com!!), and was all set for a fun weekend.

I have been conversing with one online dating contact for almost three years. JT is younger than me by 16 years, he's conservative (opposite of me), and he's on the heavy side with average equipment. Our first and only meeting was at a Starbuck's (ugh)...there was a four alarm fire for him, but only lukewarm excitement for me. He was pursuing a graduate degree, working at his Miami-based university full time, and working a part time job as a bartender for a caterer. He had little time for a relationship with me, along with little money to afford dates out or commuting 30 miles to see me. So we have exchanged IM's, emails, and some more recent webcam conversations (and erotica) over the last three years or so. We became more friends than lovers but our conversations have varied from the beginning of hot, erotica to me pulling back and wanting to be only friends, to hot, erotica again. This weekend was an opportunity to meet once more and possibly be intimate (JT hasn't had sex with a woman for 5 years!!).

I agreed to see him before I got ready to go to the dance and then we would spend some time together on Sunday before we went to the comedy show (since he said he'd go with me). I arrived at the hotel 2 hours later than I had planned and JT arrived about 7PM. We kissed (I did remember he was a great kisser!) and hugged and I showed him around the room and out to the balcony. We necked a little and then I had to start getting ready to go out. He watched me put on my makeup (was very weird for me as this was a first for me) and he also made sexual moves (rubbing up behind me, wanting to lift my skirt knowing I was pantie-less...he actually kissed my ass!! which made me giggle, all the while describing what he'd like to do...what his fantasies have been) which was all very distracting. After I was finished and ready to go, he convinced me to let him give me oral for my ultimate pleasure (which he had bragged he was excellent at and it turned out to be VERY true) and I reciprocated (until he couldn't hold off any more and wanted to be inside me). It all took about 45 minutes but I got mine first...wooowhoo! Then we went our separate ways...me to my dance and he to his Goth gathering.

I didn't get to the dance until almost 10:30, after wandering aimlessly trying to find the place. I had forgotten my printed directions/address but knew the general area it was suppose to be located in. After an hour of searching, I figured out where it was and that it HAD NO SIGNAGE! and after asking a departing POF member if this was the place. I went inside even after hearing that the crowd had thinned out some and scoped out the space and the ambiance. The general 'feel' of the room of 50 or so people was desperate, so I left and went to have my favorite late night dinner of Chicken Florentine Crepes from IHOP.

Sunday I never heard a peep from JT. He was so exhausted from our activity and the Goth gathering that he slept all day and didn't call me. I went to the Improv with my son, which I preferred anyway and enjoyed it immensely. Gary Owens was hysterical and I laughed so hard I cried out my eyes. I got back to my hotel about midnight, had a grilled chicken salad which I brought with me due to my organic life diet that I'm trying to stick to and save money by not paying tourist prices in the local restaurants. Check out was 11AM, so I played some Mafia Wars, checked email and went to bed.

To stick to my eating style, I had packed two coolers for this trip with No Hunger Bread, Black Bean Dbl Choc Muffins, mixed green salad/blk olives/chick peas, bottled water, green tea bags, and cut up leftover KFC grilled chicken. Except for the crepes at IHOP, I didn't need to buy any meals for two days. And they had a refrigerator in the room and an ice machine right outside my door. It all worked out really nice. The only thing I didn't like was the two double beds were as hard as rocks for me. I like a nice soft bed, one you sink into, it cradles you...these you could bounce a quarter off of. The view was nice of the canals and docks off the Intercoastal Waterway but I had really wanted an ocean view...next time. I checked out, tipped the valet service, ran my errands to places that are not around where I live now, and was about to drive home when I got a message from a contact at eHarmony!!

This would be another first! I had given him my phone number and he wanted to meet since I was in the area, for dinner that evening (5 or 6PM, kinda early for me to eat but do-able). I have never until this time met any man from an eHarmony match. We met at 5:30 (after I changed in the Publix supermarket bathroom and put on my makeup) at a sushi restaurant. I'm not big on the idea of sushi...raw fish always makes me think of bait! But I'm trying to be more open and not make judgment without all the facts. I tried some of one of his rolls with avocado, brown rice, and salmon...which was good, a little chewy. I had stir-fried chicken and vegetables, which was wonderful. We talked of many things. He's a holistic doctor and talked about his new diagnostic machine. I will refer to him as S, 'cuz I never got a last name. We spent 2 hours, eating and talking, but parted with a handshake and no plans for future dates. There wasn't much chemistry/spark/attraction...or at least I didn't feel it.

CONCLUSION
I got home about 9:30 and was SO glad to be there. Another contact called me, BB and we talked for another marathon 2 hours! He and I have emailed and sent tags (visual flirts/sentiments/teases) back and forth on Tagged.com for a while now. We finally talked on the phone the first time and found that we had so much in common. We had planned to have lunch on Tuesday and he wanted to confirm the date. So in three days, I got laid, had a spontaneous date, and had several phone conversations (90+ minutes) with another online contact and had a date for Tuesday. Wow! A two month dry spell and all of a sudden, MONSOON season! It's rainin' men, hallelujah, it's rainin' men...I'm gonna let...My-self get...Ab-so-lute-ly...Soak-ing wet!! YEAH!

HELPING FAMILY

While I was in Orlando (between the great sex and showering together) I got a phone call on my cellphone. I answered it only because I get so few calls that I figured it must be important coming from my sister. She was calling to ask my help in moving her classroom. The conversation was short enough that I didn't feel it necessary to tell her she interrupted an intimate moment. I told her I'd drive down to Ft. Lauderdale and help her pack up, sort through, and throw away what was necessary to get her moved from her art room that serviced 800 students/week to her new classroom for 20 second graders next year.

Toni has been teaching elementary art for 16 years at the same school. She got her degree later in life after 30 years as an independent sign painter. Three days after receiving her diploma, she was hired to teach art in an elementary school with 800 students. This year the Broward County School System (South Florida) decided to eliminate art from elementary schools and therefore, eliminating her job. She compensated by immediately getting certified to teach elementary ed to K-3 and will be teaching 2nd grade next year. She saved her employment, her paycheck, and her retirement in four years. She shouldn't have had to do this and this is wrong on so many levels.

Art has more uses than any other subject that is taught. It allows a break from the increasing academic pressures while giving kids an outlet for their creativity. Problem-solving and logic are the core of artistic projects. Students learn about science, math, history, and language incorporated into art classes. They are taught responsibility and conservation (of materials) in art class. There is a special family bond that is formed in an art class (between students and between students and teachers). I lament on what kind of children we will be graduating from elementary school without art. A little less beauty in the world. Fewer sparks of innovation and more creative minds repressed. A large percentage of children that don't do well in math, science, or history, blossom in art, music, performing arts, or creative writing. These are just as important as academic subjects.

Everything we see and buy has been created by an artist. When will the politicians in charge of the money realize art is necessary?! When will artists and educators not have to defend the need for art and not have to fight or beg for every dime that goes for art education??? The family of man will always need to express itself through art.