ESTRANGED

 PREFACE

I never thought I would ever be someone with which the word ESTRANGED would be associated. But since my child blocked me on Facebook and refuses to answer any of the messages I send to her phone, then SHE is estranged from me. My daughter is a trans woman since 2019.

STORY

On September 26th, 2021, my child posted to Facebook that I had broken her trust in commenting something that reminded her that I had not seen her in 3 years. The post wasn't even to her but in answer to a friend of mine of "Happy Birthday" (not really knowing whether it was to me or to Ilde, my daughter) who had commented that to Ilde's post. I had made the original post about Happy Daughter's Day to Ilde. Then my friend commented "HBD" and I commented back to her that it wasn't Ilde's birthday and that I missed her so much since I hadn't seen her in 3 years. This was all between me and my friend. Ilde flared up at me that that sort of comment was what she had specifically told me NOT to say. She then proceeded to rant on everything I had done wrong in her childhood and young adulthood (many recollections were just wrong!) and then she blocked me on Facebook! This was 2 days before my 65th birthday. It was a gut punch. Everybody that I showed or told about the rant was shocked. 

I have been messaging Ilde at the beginning of every month since without response. I want her to know that whatever is between us, I still love her. I try to act like none of this happened and send her news of what is happening in my life and her family's lives. She had already cut her cousin & his family out of her life, along with saying to me that I caused my late husband's family to ignore or reject her. Which is very confusing because they rejected me after my husband died in 2002 and have only peripherally responded to some of my posts on FB. I didn't do anything to deserve that treatment except not being a Pinsker by blood. Ilde is!  

CONCLUSION

I'm still so confused as to what happened. And not having an opportunity to talk it out has made it ten times worse. Christmas 2018, my son, Ian, came to visit from Wisconsin to south Florida (which is where he was born) and there was no indication that he had a conflict of identity. Within the next year, he came out as nonbinary. They/them were accepted by me as my child, that I loved more than life. Then they came out as trans woman, on Facebook, without a word to me or family. Okay. If that's what and who you are, I love you. Then she changed her name legally to Ilde Senesence. Okay. 

So after 34 years as Ian Pinsker, my son, she is now Ilde, as woman. You would think she would give me a little time to adjust. A little time to talk about what had transpired, now & in her life growing up. I had NO CLUE as to any of this as a possibility. There were no indications that he, Ian, had any gender identity confusion. This was literally "out of the blue" for me. I just wish Ilde would forgive me for my ignorance of any sign I missed along the way. So I have apologized for not being perfect, for not seeing things (that she could have told me about at any time, but didn't). I did the best I could. As all parents will say about how their adult children turned out. 

I GIVE UP DATING!

 PREFACE

I give up dating! I give up all my online dating activity. Tinder. Geek2Geek, OKCupid, Plenty of Fish, eHarmony, SugarDaddy (LOL!), and all the others that I tried and didn't try. I got four good male friends but no long lasting romantic relationship from 18 years of trying.

STORY

After reading more than 100,000 dating profiles (not exaggerating) and dating less than 3 dozen guys, either I'm way too picky or there just isn't anyone out there for me. In the beginning, there was YahooPersonals! It was early online dating and I was missing my late husband for a list of reasons, most urgent, companionship. I had not been separated from my husband for more than 6 days total in 20 years! Those 6 days was when I took my child to look at a college in upper MA in March during spring break. Before that, the record had been 2 days when George went to SXSW convention. We were inseparable and did very well with so much contact. I even worked for him as his Adm. Asst. when he was DM for United Artists (South Florida). I was strong where he was weak, he was strong where I was weak. We liked that same things and enjoyed each other's humor. Perfect Match!

CONCLUSION

There is NO ONE out there that can come close to the match we had. I've tried. I tried looking for someone just like him. No. Compromise on a few of the likes and dislikes. No. Look for an opposite. No. No. No. I can pretty much tell the scammers from the legit profiles, even though there are so few legit ones. I can tell the shallow, narcissistic ones from the real, human beings. 

I'm done. You would think that I could have found one or two that I could settle for, but NO. No one. Nada. I haven't had sex (with anyone else in the room) for 8 YEARS! My sex toys are wearing out. Time to restock!