I GIVE UP DATING!

 PREFACE

I give up dating! I give up all my online dating activity. Tinder. Geek2Geek, OKCupid, Plenty of Fish, eHarmony, SugarDaddy (LOL!), and all the others that I tried and didn't try. I got four good male friends but no long lasting romantic relationship from 18 years of trying.

STORY

After reading more than 100,000 dating profiles (not exaggerating) and dating less than 3 dozen guys, either I'm way too picky or there just isn't anyone out there for me. In the beginning, there was YahooPersonals! It was early online dating and I was missing my late husband for a list of reasons, most urgent, companionship. I had not been separated from my husband for more than 6 days total in 20 years! Those 6 days was when I took my child to look at a college in upper MA in March during spring break. Before that, the record had been 2 days when George went to SXSW convention. We were inseparable and did very well with so much contact. I even worked for him as his Adm. Asst. when he was DM for United Artists (South Florida). I was strong where he was weak, he was strong where I was weak. We liked that same things and enjoyed each other's humor. Perfect Match!

CONCLUSION

There is NO ONE out there that can come close to the match we had. I've tried. I tried looking for someone just like him. No. Compromise on a few of the likes and dislikes. No. Look for an opposite. No. No. No. I can pretty much tell the scammers from the legit profiles, even though there are so few legit ones. I can tell the shallow, narcissistic ones from the real, human beings. 

I'm done. You would think that I could have found one or two that I could settle for, but NO. No one. Nada. I haven't had sex (with anyone else in the room) for 8 YEARS! My sex toys are wearing out. Time to restock!

ONLINE DATING SCAM (PART 2)

 PREFACE

This unfolded like several other online dating contact scams. The men establish regular contact and language that advances intimacy. They reveal personal tragedies of losing a beloved wife, having to care for the motherless child (usually female), and traveling for business a lot. They have some kind of weird career. An engineer on oil rigs in the Black Sea. A geologist working in Iraq. And now a cyber security and military equipment exporter/supplier.

STORY

Chapter Two: Daily texts

He texted me in the morning to wake me up with sweet sentiments and encouragement. He texted me several times throughout the day ending up with a late night "good night, my queen" to segway into the next morning. They learn that constant contact keeps the "fish on the hook" and makes the connection be on a deeper level. "The better to reel you in, my dear." Klump professed his "love" for me WAY, WAY too soon. I kept him at "arms length" with vague feelings for him. I never said I loved him or even that I trusted him (in so many words) but gave him just enough to move forward.

Then came the "trip out of town" and he was heading to Mexico for a big deal that would make him enough money to retire. BTW, he listed himself as living in Miami. So flying to Mexico did not sound too suspicious. We kept in touch daily while he was in Mexico. I pushed a little bit on the "when are you coming home" question after he'd been there for two weeks. He said he'd be flying out within a few days.

Chapter three: THE BIG SCAM

He texted that he had finished his business but there was a problem with him getting paid. Then there was a problem with him getting out of the country. The Mexican police had confiscated his "check" and wouldn't let him leave unless he paid them (which all his money was in the "check"). They were arresting him and putting him in jail. Really?! And they let you keep your phone?! And why would a legit company cut you a check for 10s of thousands of dollars? Why not just transfer the money EFT? Why couldn't he cash the check and wire the money to himself? I had so many questions and he had excuses but not answers. Then the request that I send him money. I told him I could not do that. He said that he would be put in a Mexican jail (wasn't he already in one?!) and that his business manager couldn't do anything for him. That his bank couldn't do anything for him. Right.

So I texted him that I had an FBI neighbor/friend across the street that would make inquiries about his situation if he gave me the details. He said please don't involve the FBI. That's when he fessed up and said that his business transaction wasn't exactly legit. HE WAS SELLING GUNS AND AMUNITION IN MEXICO!! A gun runner! WOW. What a tale we weave.... I said that I couldn't do anything for him. That he needed to lose my information and not contact me anymore. He begged me to help him. I said no. I blocked his texts and had no more contact with him.

CONCLUSION

At least this time I didn't fall for ANY of his BS. The nagging inconsistency in the back of my mind persisted. "You've seen this before." I HAVE seen this before. I've seen it way too many times. I am an incurable optimist but this is leading to the cure!

The first time I was taken in by an online dating scammer, was about a year after my husband died and I had been online for about 6 months just trying to find companionship. I was missing male companionship. I "met" a guy online that strung me along for SIX weeks who worked on "an oil rig in the Black Sea." He sent me pictures of the rig! Pictures of the rig in a massive storm. He had a daughter in Miami that was living with his mother while he was out of the country working. He actually sent me a cashier's check because he couldn't get back without me buying him an airline ticket home! And I deposited it & waited for it to clear (totally bogus check that the BANK accepted & then it totally screwed up my bank account!).

It has been 18 years since then. I have had countless attempts since then to scam me through my heart. The scams have evolved but are recognizable if you know what to look for. Too many "red flags" to go into on this post but look for it in the future. Stay safe out there and if it seems to good to be true...it's not true!

ONLINE DATING 2021: THE LAST SCAM

PREFACE

I QUIT!

Okay. Here's the story of the last month. In "chapters" because it's a long story. It is a cautionary tale for single women everywhere. Pay Attention!

I have been using online dating services since 2003. Yes, the beginning of the whole thing. I was a new widow then. I had been out of the "dating" scene for 20 years. A lot changes in two decades, but not as much as those particular decades. 1982-2002 saw many leaps in technology, communications, internet access, social media, and innovative scam artists.

STORY

Chapter One: First Contact

We connected through Tinder. He was a widow. I was a widow. He was originally from South Africa. A white South African who immigrated to California in 2009, where he met his wife. She died 3 years later of cancer, leaving him with a two year old daughter. His daughter died of colon cancer in December 2020. He blames the doctors and their preoccupation with the pandemic for not giving her the "best" treatment and allowing her to die.

He is an independent contractor in cyber-security and military grade security equipment. His name. Klump Williams. He was going by William on the Tinder sight but once we moved over to texting on the phone, he revealed his true name and said I could call him either. I said I preferred his real name and called him Klump. We "met" on May 5th, 2021. He sent VERY long-winded texts, very unlike typical men. He made enough English grammar/spelling mistakes for it to be his second language. He sent pictures of his 2 dogs and 3 cats, relaxing with him on the couch. Also many more endearing poses supposedly sent in "real time." He was quite handsome.

He then started texting me several times a day, every day. He professed his "love" for me. And asked that I trust him, "why can't I trust him?", and saying I was the first woman he'd contacted. Klump hadn't dated in 9 years?! *suspicious*

CONCLUSION

This is what they do. They say all the right things. Agree to text to get to know you. Don't push an in-person meeting. Post appealing pictures that cater to info on your profile. I really thought this one might be a REAL person. A man I could like. A man I could become friends with and possibly more. But as the following chapters will reveal, that was not the case. Even in the first texts, on Tinder, I had that nagging inconsistency in the back of my mind. "You've seen this before." To be continued....

COVID-19: WK 17 - PERSONAL MAINTENANCE

PREFACE
During this pandemic, you might find yourself slipping on your personal maintenance. I've noticed a lot of the men growing beards and their hair. While salons and barbershops are closed or have been closed for many months, this is just an excuse to NOT shave or cut your hair. Also, it's a great thing that ZOOM does NOT have SMELL-A-VISION...LOL! I know for a fact that those attending meetings by ZOOM are NOT wearing (outside the house, dress or casual) pants, if pants at all.

STORY
I'm not one to shower every day in "normal" circumstances. I don't do manual labor or sweat if I can help it, so going 2, or even 3 days, without bathing is not apparent to others around me. But with the stay-in-place routine, my showering has taken on a new challenge for me. If I get up late in the afternoon/early evening, I may not have an opportunity to shower. I make my smoothie, then start preparing dinner. I sit down with my sister and eat and watch TV. I may not get up again until it's time for bed (not counting bathroom breaks). It may be a week before I realize that my hair is in dire need of washing! I put it in a ponytail on top of my head and that buys me another day or two if I HAVE to go out for takeout. I don't like to go out in public without clean hair/body. Since there is no one coming into our home, it doesn't matter much, but going out is another thing entirely.

It is also a problem with online dating during the COVID-19 global pandemic. If you happen to contact a suitable match, you can't let them see you when you haven't bathed or kept up. Thick, unruly eyebrows. No makeup. Unwashed hair. Eww. So you have to stall until you find out if it's worth it to "doll up" for this contact or if this is just another miss in your search. Now that everyone has accepted that video conferencing or virtual dating is something to do...do we have to work harder to be presentable?! LOL

CONCLUSION
That would be a good reason to keep up on your personal maintenance if online dating during a pandemic was viable. I had yet to see that online dating was viable pre-COVID, much less now, when everyone is quarantined or staying-in-place. No one is venturing out, except those with no concept of mortality or social conscientiousness. I guess I'll go cut my talons (toenails) and put the top coat on my fingernails, brush my soft, clean hair, and then snuggle into my cozy bed to try to sleep, perhaps to dream.... More than likely, not sleep until the sun comes up, and then sleep through the 106 degree high for July 1st, 2020. Take care of yourselves! Be safe. Wear a face mask in public. Practice social distancing inside public places. Don't go out if you don't need to, especially if your immune system is compromised or you have medical issues. Stay alive and we will all get thru this. Love to All! 

RETIREMENT AGE DATING

PREFACE
I have to qualify the title "Retirement Age Dating" to what it means to me at this point in time. It means those single women and men just short of or at retirement age. Now retirement age use to mean 65 (and that is what it means to me) but now full retirement age is 67! or even 70! We are living longer and working longer. Of course, more women are living longer than more men but that's another article. There are a lot of places now that consider ME a senior at 55 and give me the senior discount!

STORY
(1) I have a sister 9 years and 5 months older than I and she has been single for more than 30 years. First single when her husband left her for a 16 yo girl (yes, really!) and then legally divorced from same husband 9 years later so he could marry same girl who was then 25 (!).  My sister raised her only son by herself, fighting tooth and nail for support from her well-paid fireman husband. She didn't date because of being legally married and also due to her son (not wanting a parade of men vying for his affections/approval, nor wanting any ammo for the estranged husband on her lifestyle or reputation). She had two serious relationships in the last 20 years but neither worked out satisfactorily. Just recently she put herself on a popular dating site with explicit wants and needs for a companion (not a sex partner or marriage prospect). She got DF who is perfect in a multitude of ways, but she is not romantically nor sexually attracted to him. He so far he is satisfied with the arrangement and caters to her needs and wants without looking for a love commitment or physical involvement.
(2) The lady next door is 63 1/2 and widowed now 5 years. She was very shy about starting to date again but has been steadily seeing a man 10+ years her senior. He is different than any man she has ever known and he doesn't treat her well. He's the first man she has had sex with since her late husband died. The sex is great according to her. Their relationship has been off-and-on over the past two years. He has broken her heart several times only to come back and start it all up again. He tells her to seek out her other options (date other men who are interested) and then becomes jealous and insults her when she does. She dated one man who is very wealthy and could take care of her in style, treats her like a queen (except when he wanted to have sex with her and after she said it was too soon, he said he'd be willing to pay...!...what is wrong with men in their 70's???). Her steady guy is on lots of medications and has recently been taken off two of them. He's back in her life again and she sees a big improvement. Maybe it has been the combination of meds that has made him so "bipolar!" but we'll have to wait and see on that.
(3) And then there's me...55...educated...full-figured...energetic...diverse interests/experiences..healthy sexual appetite. What do I find? Men who want one-night-stands or fall madly in love with me and I feel nothing or I really like them and never get a second date-or-phone call-or-any communication ever again...WTF? This happens across age groups and ethnic groups. I've dated men from 25-64 and most every race. I'm so tired of searching and being disappointed.

CONCLUSION
It is a crap shoot! In my opinion, you have nothing to lose in putting yourself out there, whether it's online or in real life. The only condition is that you have to be willing to accept love into your life. If you send good thoughts and wishes out into the universe, you will draw good things to you. Whether you pray or meditate, do morning and evening affirmations, write down your wants and needs, build a dream board or let go and let God...sooner or later, you will find someone right for you. My wish for you is that you recognize them when they come along!! Happy dating!

OUTBACK: PART DEUX

PREFACE
Two weeks ago I went to dinner with AW at Outback. I was running late and called him on my way to the restaurant which is only considerate. I was 20 minutes late which might have sent many men into a tantrum but AW was cool with it. He's easy-going, polite, attentive, and attractive. So why wouldn't I give him a chance to make me happy?

STORY
I am not physically attracted to him. There...I said it. I can't imagine myself having sex with him. Women can say this. Men can think about having sex with any woman (they make a multitude of jokes about it) or go through with sex with a woman while thinking of another woman (not saying that women don't do this too). Women think too much. We over-think everything, most of the time. It is our un-doing!

The first red flag was his statement that he just wanted to go to dinner and not a movie, because he didn't want to share the time with a movie. Meaning that he wanted no distractions from concentrating his attention on me. He just wants to cuddle with me. To watch a movie at my house and just "chill" with a pizza would make him happy. Starting to sound too familiar.

CONCLUSION
So I was going to tell him that he shouldn't waste any more time pursuing me. But maybe he wants to...waste his time. I am too nice. There are numerous women who would have him take them to dinner, movies, expensive shows, concerts, and spend, spend, spend...not me. I like him but he doesn't stimulate me intellectually.

OUTBACK FOR BEGINNERS

PREFACE
I really am getting ahead of myself. I am about to get up from the computer, get dressed and drive 15 miles to Outback Steakhouse to meet yet another online contact. He is driving up from West Palm Beach (80 miles away!). I am treating this as casually as I can.

STORY
We met about a 3 weeks ago on this new site I just joined, BBPeopleMeet.com It is for people who are overweight or tall & overweight or men who like very curvy women. I have avoided this kind of online dating site because of some horror stories about Chubby Chasers (men who are borderline, and not so borderline, fetish or obsessed with overweight women). I prefer men who are average or athletic, even 30-40lbs over their optimum weight, but not obese. Reason being it makes for awkwardness in the bedroom, and sometimes downright a turn-off or impossibility. Two fat people trying to have sex can be very unsatisfying (at least in my experience).

CONCLUSION
I do like AM from our email exchanges and he has a pleasant voice on the phone. I am not turned on my the picture he has posted on his profile, and my gut feelings are that I am not expecting any sparks to fly. I am just expecting a pleasant meal and conversation for a change in my routine of late. I am hoping he is not expecting anything more than that. He invited me to dinner, but I will be honest with my impression and feelings for him...and then offer to pay for my meal. Stay tuned for more....

FEBRUARY - FREE (E)HARMONY!

PREFACE
Well eHarmony has done it again! They put themselves out there...phishing for members...with a free month (the shortest of the year) of communication between ALL members, paying or not. Communication up to FREE COMMUNICATION through their site-based email.

STORY
I have been a member of eHarmony for 8 years now. No, not a paying member all that time (I'd be bankrupt several times over!). The advantage of being a non-paying member? None, except when they offer "specials" like 3 months for the price of one month, free weekends or three-day holiday weekends, and just recently, 10-day stretches of FREE. All with their own restrictions (in fine print) but shows that eHarmony is trying to be competitive. Their regular $59 per month charge is OUTRAGEOUS in terms of comparison to other dating sites charges and comparable results (no matter what their commercial ads say).

I took full advantage of the month and made a few connections but again, nothing that has progressed into an actual face-to-face meeting. I have made one contact who lives up north, far away. He seems to be a good match but there are "problems" with communication on the phone. I have run into "scheduled" phone calls before. Most of the time it means there is a wife or live-in girlfriend involved. Although his explanation is plausible in that I have encountered it myself. He says that the place where he lives interferes with cellphone signals and he can only talk in certain places in the house. He also has roommates (?) so talking on the phone can be annoying or disruptive to "them."

My similar situation was at my sister's house where I lived for a year...NO cellphone signal could get through her walls. I had to run out the front or back door into the yard to pick up an incoming call. To make a call I could sit very, very still next to my computer in my room or on the toilet (not necessarily doing any business), or out in the yard. I could send text messages...lower level signal so they could get through more often than not. Oh, and she didn't allow me to give out her phone number at the house to any of my dates (in case of psychos...not that I dated any...thank god).

CONCLUSION
I am a trusting person and always believe the best of people, until proven wrong. I am only suspicious when I come across the same scenario again and again. Suspicion may be too harsh a word. Be aware. Proceed with caution.

LOVE IS IN THE AIR!?

PREFACE
This new year has given renewed hope to me in the form of "try something new." The definition of insanity is repeatedly doing something the same way and expecting different results. I cannot keep trolling the dating sites, reading endless profiles, and going on countless 'first meetings' without some positive results. I have realized that I must lighten up (in many ways) and get on with what I want.

STORY
I figure I have read approximately 30,000 profiles, on more than a dozen dating sites...and that doesn't count the ones that I glanced at and dismissed for one RED FLAG or another. The RED FLAGS are different for everybody but I'm sure there are some that are universal; not bothering to fill out more than basic information (or filling it with xxxxxxxxx's or other symbols), no picture (along with no info), one picture from 50 yards away or close-up of hat & sunglasses (member of Wit-Sec??).

My personal RED FLAGS are; golfer (don't need to be widowed again), hates cats, just wants the hook-up (casual sex), someone whose body language in their picture says volumes (no smile, crossed arms, bar scene with drink in hand...mostly depends on how drunk they look in the pic), holding up BIG fish (as your main profile pic?? come on...really?), all profile pics are of toys (Vet, Harley, speedy boat...etc...compensating for a little penis, ED, or mid-life crisis?), women in the pic with no explanation as to who they are, men who live farther than a two hour drive (they will never make the trip to meet and just want internet sex...more on that later), former contacts that have changed their ID (more than once) or have multiple profiles but I recognize their picture, long-winded profiles with massive misspellings/horrible grammar, and more for another time.

CONCLUSION
It continues to amaze me that men and women (or any couples) get together with so many variables to consider. I don't judge any relationship that works, however it is configured. We are all God's creatures and as long as no one gets hurt, what is the big deal?? We all are worthy of love and there is someone for everyone. FINDING that someone is the biggest challenge.

Spring is in the air. Recent rain in my area has made the grass green again, one of the first signs of spring in Florida. The next three weeks are the BEST of winter in Florida and then SPRING pops out all over the place. I can only hope that LOVE is poised and ready to do the same! Oh, did I mention that eHarmony is having FREE CONTACT for a MONTH!! I told you there are signs of spring.

EHARMONY SUCKS! ONCE AGAIN

PREFACE
Again my original opinion of eHarmony prevails. They were running a "free" week of communication this last week of 2010. I have been given a few survey feedback opportunities in the past year and it seems their marketing department has been listening. eHarmony actually ran a 10-day "free" communication promo, which is unheard of in the annals of money-grubbing big business. It even allowed for open communication at that time. I have taken their offer of three months for the price of one month a few times this past year due to them also offering to bill it in three payments of $19.98 per month,

STORY
Free communication up to the OPEN COMMUNICATION! I was going through the steps with a promising contact and then I got to the last of the "guided" communication. There is suppose to be OPEN communication, just like regular email except based inside eHarmony. When I clicked on open communication, I was taken to the membership advertisement page with the selection of the different payment plans. I could not get back to the last questions I had asked and he had answered. I couldn't get back to any of the previous contact. That's just calculating and devious. If I had not figured out a way to contact this man outside of eHarmony, I would have been obligated to pay for membership to continue our exchange.

CONCLUSION
eHarmony is ALL ABOUT THE MONEY. They are not about people finding each other or making a connection that can be explored. It is not about happiness and love. It is all about dangling the carrot. They are DESPICABLE!

CHRISTMAS EVE-EVE

PREFACE
As Christmas draws near, I reflect on being alone. I've recently met a very special, sweet guy, BB. He and I are taking it very slow. We are being friends. We talk on the phone several times a week for more than the average time you would expect, considering that most men aren't as verbal as women. BB likes to talk.

STORY
We met through an online community and started emailing back and forth for several months. That progressed to a first phone call (which lasted over 2 hours!) which happened about six weeks ago. Then we met for lunch a month ago, with him driving to me (35 miles) and a very enjoyable time getting to know each other.

BB is divorced (12 years), has a 19 yo son who lives with him, and he has trust issues with women (due to his mother's alcoholism). So I understand his approach to this new relationship. He is very spiritual in the same sense as I am, which makes it very easy for us to talk about many subjects. There has been no intimate contact other than some real good hugging and some hand-holding in the movie last night. The hand-holding was very comfortable and endearing. We had gone to see the new movie AVATAR which besides being a feast for the eyes (3-D version highly recommended!), was enjoyable on many levels including carrying an important message to humanity...or in other words, very spiritual. We both enjoyed it immensely because we were there with each other. It is a slight disappointment to view a movie, even if it's entertaining, with someone who doesn't enjoy it (either the movie or the movie experience) regardless of how much you enjoy being together. I may have found my new movie buddy.

CONCLUSION
In my search for companionship in all it's incarnations, I seem to be making progress. I am not a serial dater and prefer to find all that I need in one man, but barring that, I will settle for finding all that I need in several men. This does not mean that I will be having sex with several men, but it might mean that I will be dating and having sex with more than one man.

How many men out there could accept that if they knew? How many men have done the same while dating several women? I also wonder how many men WOULD want to know?

I know that BB is dating another woman and calls her 'his girlfriend' for the moment. He is not happy with the relationship and wants to end it, but not before the holidays (wouldn't be NICE to breakup with her before Christmas). It's all in what you can live with, I guess.

My wishes for all you out there trying to find someone special is that you be grateful for whatever joy comes your way and eliminate that which causes you discomfort or unhappiness. Greet everyday as the BEST day of your life and joy will fill your days. Do what you love to do and someone special will find you. Imagine you have the life you want and your life will become your dream. Peace & Joy, Health & Happiness...Merry Christmas to ALL!!

JOINED eHARMONY AGAIN!!

PREFACE
I can't explain it and after the post in October. I really haven't gotten any good results and feel that it's good money thrown after bad, but I still became a paying member AGAIN! $20/month for three months, then if I want to continue (to be a masochist), it costs $30/mo. RIGHT! Like I want to pay MORE not to find someone right for me. Please! Someone...stop the bleeding (of my wallet) before I join again!

STORY
So I had just gotten over the FREE WEEKEND in October when eHarmony allowed free communication for six days! The longest I can ever recall them doing without their "money grubbing." I don't begrudge them a profit but I'm sure they are all millionaires many times over. I just don't understand their need for greed while lying through their teeth that they are so concerned about their clients and matching 'like' people so that they are lifelong relationships, and blah, blah, blah.... Anyway, back to my experience...this time...

As soon as I paid for my membership, the matches slowed down to a trickle. I was getting 4-6 matches a day while NOT paying. Now I'm getting an average of 2 per day. I had a backlog of over 40 matches clogging my match page, so I spent hours going through them to review, decide to eliminate or contact, and then close out those I wasn't interested in or who had never replied to my contact. About 2% of the matches were no longer on the site...deleted by management or themselves.

Yes, there are some sleazy men who will pay $60/month or more to entice unsuspecting women into their schemes. Some have multiple profiles and many different approaches. This is not exclusive to eHarmony but the money invested makes these slime particularly reprehensible. These are men that never learned the basic lessons in kindergarten. Run! do not walk, to the nearest lighted area, where there are crowds, and policemen!

So I've been paying now since Friday and I had a backlog of matches to go through. I hadn't checked my profile or matches since before Halloween so I had about 40 new matches and 20 older ones, varying from old to really old ("why are you hanging on to the hope that he will ever check his profile again?" kind of old). It took me several hours to go through and review each match, decide to communicate or to close out the match, or to NUDGE them one more time since I was a paying member again. You can't see each other's pictures if one of you isn't a paying member. So you can flirt (Icebreakers they call them on eHarmony) but no pics, no controlled communication, no nothing. Kind of like waving back at someone on a passing train.

So now I could see pictures along with reading their profile. I reject for sparsity of words. I mean come on! a man could spend more than 5 minutes to fill out his profile if he were really looking for something meaningful. I reject for golfers...but that's just me (already been widowed once, thank you). I reject for distance most of the time, unless the profile is really outstanding...and then the picture is attractive to me...I will make an exception here and there. I am spiritual and in touch with my concept of a higher power, but will reject a man who is steeped in dogma (organized religion can be used as an excuse to control...and I really run away from control freaks!).

CONCLUSION
So now I've weeded through 60-70 profiles, some in review of previous interest which now has a picture to enhance (or not) the chemistry of my interest. I have 9 left that I have communicated to; one of which has communicated once with me and I, twice with him. Awaiting a reply. Thank goodness this is not the only dating service I use. I can't imagine myself as I was in the beginning, almost 7 years ago, sticking to only one service, one method and letting it drain my wallet dry. I have two other services that are free from which I get lots of opportunities. More on them in a later post. I'm giving it one more try. What's $20/month? Two trips to the movie theater? one dinner out? I remain...the eternal optimist :)

eHARMONY SUCKS!!

PREFACE
This is my opinion so there is no reason for legal action. It is my experience that with all it's hype and extreme advertising budget, eHarmony sucks as a dating service. They will have you believe that because you go through an "extensive" psychological profile questionaire, that you will have much more success in finding "a true match" on their site. And when you have paid your money (one of the MOST expensive online dating site fees) and nothing happens, they tell you that it takes time to find the right match FOR YOU. Here is my experience with eHarmony. I hope it helps you or that you can identify and sympathize.

STORY
In a (fairly) quick check back into my closed matches from eHarmony, my preliminary start date with them seems to have been August 13th, 2003. That would have been the date I filled out the psychological questionaire to give them a good idea of who I am and who I'm looking for as a match. Since then, they have sent me 2100+ matches...NONE of which I have met! I have gotten to the open communication stage with a few and have spoken on the phone with approximately three (3). In six (6) years of on again, off again membership...not one face-to-face meeting. I have had full membership on several occasions and have taken advantage of the "free communication" weekends they have been offering during the past year. Nothing! Nada! Zilch!
MOST EXPENSIVE
They charge $59.95 for one month! The most expensive service online at the moment, if you don't count the personal service companies with dating counselors/coaches who work with you one-on-one. The cheapest they get is $19.95/mon. if you pay a year in advance. They will also run specials of 3 months @ $59.95 (which works out to approx. $20/mo. and is comparable to other online dating services and they have recently allowed the payments to be taken out monthly over the three month period, instead of all at once...nice, considering the economy).
LEAST SUCCESSFUL
Just as an example of the success rate, I spent 90 minutes today just clearing my NEW matches. Their system of reviewing your matches is way too time consuming. I have filters on who they are suppose to send me as matches, and they don't even pay attention to my preferences.

They pride themselves on a 'guided' system of communication to protect their members and make sure that both parties are 'right' for each other before they are 'allowed' to communicate directly. This system was modified a couple of years ago to include the option to "Fast Track" the communications between matches, IF both were paying members and both agreed to immediate contact. You cannot see a non-paying member's photos, nor contact a non-paying member other than 'Icebreakers' which consist of a short list of common contact phrases which can be shared for free...ONCE...between two members. So if you are paying your $60, you can't contact someone who isn't paying. And you have to be very vigilant during the 'free contact' weekends to get through the long arduous process of sending questions back and forth to get to the 'open communication' step. (That is if you haven't figured out how to put contact information into the open-ended response section...Hopefully, nobody at eHarmony will read this and close THAT loophole.)

Has anyone noticed that the couples they show in the commercials for eHarmony have wedding dates that are several years ago? Are they still together? Anybody gotten married as a result of meeting through eHarmony in the last two years?? It's all very suspicious.

CONCLUSION
I have had my profile on eHarmony for over six (6) years and haven't met one man face-to-face. I have met many men from other online dating sites...some that charge, some that are free. The MOST the others charge is $24.95...even for the MILLIONAIRE dating sites! My guess is that the membership fees are so expensive to pay for the huge advertising budget.

I would really like to hear from any online daters out there who have met anyone through eHarmony!! Please, send me your story! Anyone? even if it didn't progress past a face-to-face meeting or a second date...anyone?!

DATING CYCLE

PREFACE
Over the last 6 1/2 years that I've been online dating, I've observed a dating cycle. I'm on several dating sites and most of the year I get 2-4 nibbles (emails) a day. There are certain times of year that there is no activity. I haven't figured out why this happens but it has happened recently over the past 3 weeks. No new contacts, no new emails until about two days ago.

STORY
I check my online dating sites at least every two days for new emails. I also receive notification emails telling me I have mail. The past several weeks, there's been very little activity. When this happens, I go into my accounts and stir things up a bit. Maybe post a few new pictures or rewrite my essay. I might view those men who have viewed my profile, causing me to show up as having viewed them. Or I'll add ones I'm interested in to my favorites (black book..or whatever the site calls it). This lets them know that I'm more interested than just a look. I feel that if they can't get the idea from that, then they're probably not smart enough to keep up with me anyway. Sometimes I'll send a wink or a 'free' icebreaker to show interest. Then it's up to them to send me an email.

Every once in a while I take a special offer from eHarmony if they offer 3 months for the price of one month. They are a VERY expensive service that doesn't produce any results. Even their commercials show couples that were married years ago and no one says whether they are STILL married today. My favorite services are Plentyoffish and Bookofmatches, both of which are FREE and through which I have met several men. They include forums to express opinions for like-minded matches and Plentyoffish has taken the 'community' feel a step further by it's members organizing events locally to get members out in social situations but with the comfort of being in a group. I have attended many of these events and I've had a great time. They do this without charging a fee for membership. I don't think you should have to pay for a matchmaking service.

CONCLUSION
Thursday and Friday I got about six new emails each day, so it looks like the dry spell has ended. Though I wasn't interested in any of the men who tried to contact me, at least it was something. I would say that I respond to one out of 10 emails, other than to just thank them for their interest and wish them luck. Being on more than one dating site is viewed by some men as being a player, but I think that is only if you stay on them after you have found a serious relationship. If a man is put off by you playing the field and giving yourself as many options and opportunities to find happiness, then he has a narrow view of what dating has become in the 21st century. Pass on him, and move on to the wonders of dating and finding THE right man for you.

LABOR DAY

PREFACE
I am looking for that one special man I can love and share my life with but in the meantime, I intend to bring happiness into my life every day. I have a lover I'm seeing once a week at least and now that I have my regular sex life taken care of, it's time to work on increasing my activity even more. I researched into a local bike-a-thon that I can enter to motivate me to exercise more. I love to ride my bike but haven't ridden once since I moved here almost 6 months ago. Having gained 30 lbs from March to June, I desperately need to get my ass out there and ride!

STORY
Instead I mowed the front lawn. That in itself is good exercise and burns lots of calories. 537 calories burned in 1 hour. I made my goal to start training on Tuesday if the weather permitted. I have to mow the lawn over two days, front yard one day, the backyard the next. If I try it all in one day, I could faint from heat stroke. After all, I live in central Florida and it hasn't started to cool off yet. Another week or two and then the weather is gorgeous...it's what the tourists come down here for.

CONCLUSION
Some exercise is better than no exercise. I am trying to move more every day. 5hrs/day = 20 mins/hour you are awake. This doesn't count when you are sick but still try to move when you can and rest enough to get well. Once you are well again, start back to the goal of 5hrs/day of moving (walking, climbing stairs, bike riding, grocery shopping, doing laundry, gardening, shooting pool, swimming...anything to move!). Love yourself first and love will find you.

10 DAYS TO BLISS

Now that I finally know that BT is coming on the 24th, I almost can't stand the wait. 10 days and counting!

He and I met online (8/20/05) through AmericanSingles.com when I was a paying member after he sent me the first contact email. This was just before Hurricane Katrina brushed Florida and went on to demolish New Orleans. He had been divorced a couple years and was living in Santo Domingo in the Dominican Republic. Originally from the Boston area, he was GM of a plant in Santo Domingo. He would fly every two weeks to Boston to visit with his three children and would fly through Miami International Airport.

The first time I met him, was during one of his layovers at MIA. We had been emailing and IM'g for about ten days before he had a 90 minute stop at MIA and wanted to meet me. Through a series of mis-communications (something that seems to plague us throughout our relationship), I was in the wrong area of the airport and my cellphone was useless to call him. I finally found him and was so upset at all the time that was wasted that I cried. He was so gentle and caring...he took me aside to a spot that was more private, and he held me, hugged me, and then we kissed (monumental, fireworks, earthshaking...WOW kisses!). We did this for about 15 minutes before they called for his flight to Boston. I walked him to his gate and watched him until he disappeared from view. That was the first of many short encounters, with long separations and some emails and IMs in between.

April 2007, we spent 48 hours in a hotel room across from Miami Airport. The longest time we had had together in two years of brief encounters and long silences. BT had been assigned additional plants to supervise, one in Honduras. I was very worried about his safety. I decided to tell him that I loved him and let him off the hook about telling me back. I just wanted him to know that I loved him. I emailed him while he was in flight that I was afraid that I had scared him by telling him. He emailed me that telling me hadn't scared him, it had only made him want to be back with me even more than before. Then I didn't hear a word from him for three months! No email replies, no IM replies. I was so worried that something had happened and no one there knew to notify me about it. I finally emailed his work email and got a response. One that ripped my guts out. He had found someone in SD and they had been seeing each other for two months! I cried for three days. I was devastated. I had finally found that I could love someone after losing George, only to lose that love to someone more convenient...a local. It took me a long time to recover.

August 2008, I received an email from BT after more than a year of silence. He was re-establishing contact with me at one of the lowest times in my life. I wasn't able to meet with him as he flew through MIA (I had no transportation at the time and was living in a spare room at my sister's). His company had cut back on travel expenses and he only flew to Boston every six weeks or so, if then. He was traveling much more for business than to visit his kids. In one of his emails he said it was nice to know he had such a good friend "with benefits" in Florida. We IM'd and emailed, signing with 'Love ya.' Then we met in May 2009 for a short encounter during a layover at Orlando Airport. I still love him and will take what ever pleasure I can get from his company. Life is short...life is good.

LAWNMOWER BACK

Today I was to have a visit from my new potential lover who is a married man. I postponed it until next week. I did not want him to see me like this, especially at the beginning of a relationship.

Last Saturday I bought a lawnmower and Monday I mowed the entire lawn. The first time I have had the need to mow in 20 years! I used muscles that were to say the least, out of shape. I didn't feel it until Wednesday, when it became difficult to take a deep breath without stabbing pains shooting through the right side of my upper back, ribs, and shoulder. So I realized I had overworked some muscles and pulled my spine out of alignment between my shoulder blades. Since my chiropractor is 140 miles away and my unemployment check isn't deposited until next Friday, I have to suffer and make do until then. My hot flashes are back again too, to add insult to injury (literally!). I get one every couple of hours and during the day it's not a problem. At night, they wake me up, for a five minute internal sauna and then I have to try to get back to sleep. It can make for fitful sleeping and uncontrollable, unpredictable crying jags for me the next day. Why would I want to expose anyone to that?!

So back to Mr. Married Man. I met him through an online community and we got to talking and flirting as friends. He offered his home improvement skills at my disposal after I eluded to being as interested in him as he was in me, and not being bothered by his being married. I have had an affair with a married man before while I was single and it worked out fine. We are still friends to this day and his wife (nor anyone else) ever knew, but us. I am discreet and I know this will not be for the long term and as I have stated before, I get what pleasure and joy I am offered in this life (as long as it doesn't harm anyone else). I'm taking this slow and we haven't done anything but a little kissing; after he fixed my leaky shower and installed my ceiling fan and I fixed him dinner which we enjoyed together. He's a passionate younger (Latin) man and very respectful. I like him. He wants more sex than his wife desires. He takes care of business at home, sees to her needs, and his children's needs. If I can get mutually satisfying sex once a week and my honey-do list done, I think that is a win-win situation for both of us for as long as it lasts.

I haven't heard a word from BT in a week. I have been writing to him every day letting him know how much I love him and miss him. I get silence. I know he's busy, but it takes so little from him to brighten my day. An email or IM that just says "love you" is enough for me to float the rest of the day. I know, a bit juvenile for a widow grandmother of 52 but it FEELS SO GOOD to be loved by someone. I can hardly wait until August and his visit.

That's all for now. If you have any questions or comments, feel free. I will respond as soon as humanly possible. Go forth and be happy!!

NOT TOO BUSY TO WRITE

I could say that I've been busy. It has been 12 days since I posted anything. I went to Ft. Lauderdale (140 miles south) for a day to finish up moving my sister's art room to her new classroom for next year. I got there on Monday at sundown and left on Thursday night 11PM, arriving back home at 2AM. My poor cat was VERY pissed off at me for leaving him for so long. So I've been home for a week now. I've been playing Mafia Wars (RPG online game) on Tagged and having phone sex with a guy who lives in California. I met him through playing the game and we just clicked. WTF is wrong with me?

I'm lonely. I'm depressed. I gotta snap outta this.

My plans are to go to a dance on Sunday hosted by a member of POF (Plenty of Fish...and online dating service) and I've booked a room at the Boca Bridge Hotel again. I love this luxury hotel! It's only costing me $40 (priceline.com) for the night. I'm also meeting a contact at the dance who's been playing phone tag with me for a month. We'll see how this goes. I'm not expecting anything.

5 TIPS TO WRITING FIRST CONTACT EMAILS

I received this first contact email today:
(This is copied & pasted exactly as sent except for personal information.)

Hello pretty,
I was surfing through profiles after a longtime on this site and i came across your picture,it attracted me so i stopped and decided to read your profile and wow,your profile is just as great as your picture itself.What a beauty!You definitely got your appearance so attracting and appealing.Nobody is gonna skip your profile without sending you a message.I can see sincerity in your eyes.
You look far younger than your age.Is what you have on this site a correct statement of your age?Well for once i thought," hey dare not try contacting her because a pretty lady of this type is already seriously dating'' but again I decided to give it a shot by sending you an email as there is no harm in trying. I really will like to hear back from you so i get to know you more.u can email me on xxxxxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.com or we can talk on yahoo im, also you can leave your number so that i can call you if you don't mind. .hope to hear from you soon bye
Pxxxxxx

What is wrong with this? Nothing, you say? If you can't see it, then you've probably been writing emails like this or worse. It shows the deterioration of the English language skills and letter writing in this country. Run together sentences, improper grammar, and that doesn't even address the content! Just because it's email doesn't mean you should ignore proper form. A woman will be impressed with a man's intelligence in the way he expresses himself. (Apologies to those who are immigrants but, LEARN THE LANGUAGE!)

5 STEPS TO WRITING FIRST CONTACT EMAILS:

1) Open your email with a salutation and end with a signature, i.e. Dear XXXX, or use their ID or something romantic (Beautiful Lady, Dear Venus, etc...). Once you know a woman's real name, address her by it...Dear Jill, Dear Vanessa, or just Vanessa. And please end it with a closing and your signature (name). "Awaiting your reply, John" "Ciao, Eric" "Have a blessed day, Robert" so that she can address you in her reply.

2) Compliments should be sincere, used sparingly, and be creative. DO NOT SAY: "You have a great body." "You are so hot!" "Hot and sexy!" These short, one line compliments are no better than construction workers whistling and cat-calling at a girl passing by. They are offensive, not compliments, when given to a total stranger. It would be better to tell a woman that she has classic beauty, or that she reminds you of someone you had a crush on, or that your life would be improved if you knew her better. Don't gush. Give one or two compliments and move on.

3) Try to get a reaction. Intrigue her, make her laugh, express something about you or your life that you think she might share an interest, tell her about an activity that would be so much more fun if you did it together (not sex! not this soon). If nothing comes to mind, ask questions about what she's into...READ HER PROFILE! Don't just look at the pictures.

4) Thank her for noticing you. "Thanks for taking the time to read my email." "Thanks for looking at my profile. There is so much more that I didn't include." "I can understand if you aren't interested in me romantically but if you need a friend to talk to, I'm here." You can never have enough friends. And sometimes, good friendships turn into great romances.

5) Answer her email promptly. If you can't answer right away, send a short note letting her know that. "Thank you for your email. Things are hectic right now. Will write more soon." and then make the time to answer her. If she's interested in getting to know you better, don't rush into more intimate contact; like giving her every possible way to contact you all at once. Ask if she'd like to message in real time (instant messaging) or would she prefer to talk on the phone. Then let her ask for your information. If her reply says she's not interested, see #4.

I have noticed men rush into phone contact or meeting face to face, putting pressure on the relationship before it even starts. Some men can't type. Let a woman know that or LEARN TO TYPE FASTER! Women are word-based, men are visual-based. Learn to invest some time in expressing yourself, listening, and getting to know a woman as a person. If all you want is sex, then asking every woman you're attracted to if they want to have sex will get you some eventually (just by sheer percentages) but it won't be something you can count on. Establishing conversation and mutual interest will have a woman coming back for more.

FIVE STAGES OF CONTACT

ONLINE DATING SITE CONTACTS

It takes a lot of courage to write an email to someone to whom you are attracted. Lots of dating sites allow for "winks," "icebreakers," "flirts," and other synonyms for (mostly free) first contact. (True.com is notorious for sending unsolicited winks to it's members to generate interest between matches. Just be polite and honest with a contact if you didn't send the wink.) Here's some hints on what it all means, so you don't get the wrong idea of intentions. These terms all have to do with the site and it's vocabulary.

1. Someone looks/views your profile - means JUST that. They looked at you. It doesn't mean they are interested in you. Unless they look at your profile a lot, many times a week, or everyday (this might be a very shy person or a stalker...too soon to tell).
   
2. Someone sent you a wink - means look at me, read my profile and see if you like me. They were looking through the matches sent to them by the dating site or collected in a search, and thought you looked nice or you might have something in common with each other. If you like what you see, wink back or email them that you like what you see/read.
   
3. Someone added you to their favorites or black book - means they are interested in you. They were looking through their matches and did not want to forget you but were not quite ready to send a wink or email. If they don't initiate contact within a week or so and you are interested, then you initiate contact with an email. It makes a stronger statement than just a wink. Put some thought into it and ask some questions to get the conversation going.
   
4. Someone sends you an email with less than a paragraph. These emails consist of: "Your really hot!" "I want to get to know you." "You so sexy. Email me if your interested." "Heres my phone number/email/IM ID. Plese contact me." and so on.... (If the obvious lack of spelling/grammar or self expression doesn't turn you off immediately, then pursue it.) These are so uninteresting that you can ignore them without any response. If they are not going to even ask you a question or tell you something, they didn't put much thought into the contact. More than likely they are just looking for a brief encounter. Don't feel guilty about being rude, they certainly were.
5. Someone sends you an email with some thought to the content but they don't want to waste a lot of time on emailing back and forth. They want to talk on the phone right away. These people more than not are not very good at typing and/or expressing themselves in writing. They also don't want to invest any time in building a relationship. Put in the time! Find someone with like goals who does not mind getting to know you through each step of the way. Otherwise, you will have a lot of first meetings, few real dates, and lots of one-night-stands. But if that's what you're looking for, go for it. Just be honest with yourself and your date.
   

You have to find your own comfort zone as to when you will talk on the phone, give out other contact information, and schedule your first meeting (remember short and sweet, less than 30 mins.). Don't let rejection go to your heart. There are so many eligible partners out there, and also many friends to be made. Stay open emotionally and don't get discouraged.