MAXIMUM DENSITY

 PREFACE

I am as heavy as I have ever been in my life. 250 lbs. It is insidious. The weight has crepted up and crepted up over the past 9 years until it has gotten intolerable. This is the line! No more! It stops HERE!

STORY 

In 2009, I weighed 180 lbs and was in fantastic shape. Yes, I could have lost another 20 lbs and been very close to perfect. But that 20 lbs didn't look like it was on me. I carried it very well. I was desirable at 51 yo. 

THAT was 70 lbs ago and it seems like unattainable at the moment. I'm 66, soon to be 67 in September and I look like my grandmother. She was short and chubby. My aunt, who lived with my grandparents and then with my mother and me after they passed, was very tall and chubby. Most of my relatives are chubby. That is why I'm not surprised that I look like a lot of them did while I was a child and growing up. My genetics say I should be zaftig, Rubenesque...plump. My ancestors come from Ireland, Scotland, and England. When I visited England in 2003, I saw many people who looked like my relatives! I'm HOME! I thought. I felt I fit in. 

I'm heavier now. I don't fit in to anything. Tipping the scales at 250 lbs pushes the structural strength of my bras and the comfort of wearing them. I wear maxi dresses around the house to hide the bulk of my body. It's lulled me into accepting the extra weight and the shifting of skin and fat. It lets me use the excuse (to myself) that I don't have to go out into the world, everything I need can be brought to me or picked up without "going into the store to get it." Since the pandemic made all of us more "hermits" than "gad about town social butterflies," I haven't recovered my desire to venture forth and explore. 

I have also not exercised regularly in quite a while. I get up from bed. Sit at my desk working on my laptop (or descending down the rabbit hole that is the Internet time suck!). Get up to make my smoothie (Breakfast & Lunch & supplements). Back on the computer. Get up to move to the TV room. Make dinner or order dinner & drive to pick it up. Play games on my Kindle while watching TV. Go to bed & play more games until the Kindle falls on my nose cuz I'm asleep somewhere around 3, 4, 5 am in the morning. Sleep until noon, 1, 2 pm and get up to do it all over again.  

CONCLUSION

My grandmother, Sadie Insley, (Gram or Grammy) was in better shape than I am now. She got up at 5 am (from years of living with a Merchant Marine & fisherman) and made coffee and started cooking. She cooked all day, off and on, when she wasn't washing clothes, hanging them to dry, tending the garden and harvesting, then entertaining the family that passed through her doors all day, every day. 

There's just me and my sister, and 3 cats and 2 horses that need tending. Toni hires a man to feed and clean stalls in the morning (early...earlier than she is willing to get up now that she's 75!). Feeding the cats in the morning and at night, 2 of the kittahs are still kittens so they eat whenever they are hungry and we can get them to eat something! It's not a whole lot to do. It's so hot that outside is taken at dusk and dawn, in small bites (for exercise). But I soon must take my losing weight seriously, lest I have some health problem that I can't "correct" and have to live with much less that I CAN do than I now just don't WANT to do. One step at a time!

COLLEGE BLOG POST

PREFACE

It seems I continue to struggle with my online college coursework. After illness and a back injury caused me to take an incomplete the first time, I'm retaking the course again this semester. (Oh, and I'm still not use to the shorter terms...10 weeks instead of 16! Not enough time to get it all done that's for sure.) I'm working today to complete a 'rough draft' of the term paper for this class and will probably be up all night until the sun comes up, to put it all together. Even with that, it will be 4-5 days late and I'll be penalized 20-25% on the grade.

STORY

I saw there was a blog on the page that students access when they log in. Capella calls it The Guide but it's really a clearinghouse or jumping off point for you, as a student. You can access lots of different areas of the website, just like a campus would have a Student Union Hall with guidance to services on campus. One of the blogs was called "The other 85%" so I clicked on it to investigate. It addresses the majority of the new student body of colleges and universities across America. A voice for the older new or returning post-secondary student. I think the only way the attitude of the decision-makers will change towards what is defined as "the college student" is when that administration retires and is replaced by the contemporaries of those same students. The Baby Boomers (as we are called) or younger (our adult children...horrors!...lol).

The following was what I posted to the "The Other 85%" blog. Whether it will be published is something I'll have to wait and see, but here it is for all to read:

It is so true that the ‘college kid’ is now older, wiser, more time-constrained, and has more obligations than in the 1950s. Back then you could assume that the majority of college kids were fresh out of high school and still getting support from their parents. I was not one of them.

Born in 1956, to parents that divorced in 1964. Too many kids (3), too much struggling to make ends meet, and single parenthood, made it impossible for me and my siblings to go to college. When I was 19, I checked into financial aid (1975) and there was virtually none to be had, so I married and took a clerical job. I have been divorced, married again, had and raised a child, and buried a husband. At the peak of our life together, both working 40+ hours, we earned $55K in one year ($40K or under the rest of the 20 years).

In 1993, I went to college for the first time due to the last recession. Happily married, raising a son, I earned an associate’s then a bachelor’s in 5 years, working part time, living on scholarships/grants and $18K/yr trust fund (income of my invalid husband). I started a master’s degree in ‘98 and a second master’s in 2000! Now borrowing to earn the two degrees and I came up against the 150% time constraint! The administration couldn’t acknowledge that I was working on two degrees, nor any of my other circumstances. Then my husband of 20 years died.

I am only now starting back after 6 years to earn a master’s so I can be hired as a permanent professor instead of an adjunct. And I am almost starting at square one. Capella made it possible, transferred in 12/28 credits, but I have 36 more to earn, compared to the 8 credits I was short for my degree here. The first course seems to be more tailored to the instructors than the learners, more to learning ‘lock-step’ than learner outcome. I know I’ll get through and succeed as I always have, but it would be nice if the ‘powers that be’ had a little more sympathy and empathy for the ‘new college kids’ on the block. Thanks for letting me comment.

CONCLUSION

Is there still room on campus for dissent? Can an adult, older student speak out against the establishment? Or has protesting lost it's impetus and in need of Viagra? LOL I don't think my comments would be considered too controversial but it will be interesting to see if it's published and if I get any feedback from it. And now I'm off to do my homework! Peace & Joy.

SUMMER SCHOOL! YAY!

PREFACE
Hurray for me! I got a class to teach for Summer Term A. I'll be teaching Photoshop Level 1 for six weeks. The class is Tuesday and Thursday 6-9PM, perfect for me (!). It's on the main campus, Ft. Pierce, which is a 30 mile drive (less than it was for Davie-Boca Raton). This is just the beginning.

STORY
The head of the graphic design dept. is really thrilled to have me teaching with them. And it is such a joy for me to be back teaching. The college is about to become a four year institution and they will need lots of instructors that know what it's all about. I just wish I had my MFA and I may have come up with a way to get it. I only have two more semesters (if I take 8 credits each) and I could have my degree. The degree with Capella will take me two years to complete and won't give me the degree I really need to become permanent, but would let them at least hire me full time. It is a dilemma.

CONCLUSION
I will have to wait and see if I get a reliable car in the next month or so. If I do, then I can think about commuting to Boca for my MFA. Since I've worked out a lease with Gino & Lou to be able to stay until October 31st, I'm a little more grounded in making plans. Everything just keeps working out for me. I'm very grateful and I continue to meditate and manifest. Outrageous Mastery!!

STARTS AND STOPS

PREFACE
Forgive me, readers, for I have sinned....it has been two months since my last confession...hahaha. March 4th, I started teaching as an adjunct at the local college and the last class is Thursday. I started selling on Ebay to supplement having my unemployment benefits run out in Feb. I started back at Capella two weeks ago, to repeat my first class that I failed to makeup in the winter term. I started thinking that my dream of operating an Artist's Bed & Breakfast Retreat could finally happen and even found a perfect beachfront house. I stopped my regular trips to Ft. Lauderdale (280 miles roundtrip). I stopped hoping to have regular sex with BB.

STORY
I have had little time to gather my thoughts and get back to any kind of a routine. The teaching job came along after three different applications for jobs at the college; but this one was for something that I had proven experience in and they had a great need. When they called me in initially, I would be starting in June (summer term) because it was so close to the spring semester that I wouldn't have time to prepare. But as it turned out, SURPRISE! I wasn't prepared for the shorter term, the longer class time, nor the general expectations of the course. I had taught it before, but not under these conditions. All in all, I think I did a great job! I am sad to see the semester come to an end, but I'm very encouraged that this will lead to more classes.

The part time teaching job came just in time as my year-long collecting of UE benefits came to an end in mid-February. I applied for food stamps immediately and was approved starting mid-March. As it turned out, I didn't get them until mid-April due to them assuming that I still had my EBT card from FOUR years ago (when I collected for exactly ONE month! and have moved three times since!). Glad I had my tax refund to tide me over or I would have starved for sure. Now they are holding up April's benefit for some unknown reason that will take me days and days to find out. For as much as people complain about public assistance going to those who abuse it...there is so much they don't know about how much you have to go through for a lousy $50/week allotment for food only (no paper products, no toiletries, no prepared ready-to-eat foods, no vitamins or supplements, and many other restrictions). I am very grateful for it.

I started selling again on Ebay. I was shut down in 2008 due to the economy tanking and sales being $0 for three months. My sales couldn't pay my fees, so they shut me down. I have been selling my belongings...anything that will bring in $5 or $10, jewelry, crystal, china, collectibles...all those things you accumulate over the years, things you (think you) cherish until it comes down to being hungry and homeless. These are the times we live in. I have a Bachelor's degree in Graphic Design, four years of college teaching experience, seven years of clerical/administrative experience, and I can't get a job (but I can sell some stuff on Ebay!).

I started again to complete the first course in my Master's online. I have 12 transfer credits from the 68 Master level credits I have earned pursuing two Master's degrees simultaneously last decade (1998-2004). This begins the third week and I'm on target.

I have met a wonderful woman through BB who is experienced in writing grants and setting up non-profit organizations. She has given me lots of information and procedural steps to think about and start the process rolling on my Artist's Retreat. It would benefit the artists who come to learn and create, it would help the local community with attention on culture and increased tourist trade, it would benefit me to be able to teach, it would benefit the economy through airfares, field trips to local sites...there would be many benefits. So much to do!

My 18 yo car is now on borrowed time. My mechanic says, "shoot it and put it out of it's misery." It has been good to me for 18 months and 13,000 miles and for a $700 car, that is phenomenal. So to make sure that it will take me to work and back, I had to stop my long distance trips to Ft. Lauderdale to see my sister and my son (although, my son lived with me for two months in the time that I haven't posted!).

And finally, I came out and asked BB if he wanted to move to the next level in our friendship...that level being Friends With Benefits. He said he wasn't ready for that, he wasn't in a good place to complicate his life with another lover (he already has two, one I didn't know about before I asked). I said that was fine. Our friendship is more important to me than my sexual attraction to him. I've been in this situation before, but at least this time I'm not living in the same house. BB gets me. He thinks the same way as I do, we finish each others' thoughts. We enjoy each others company. If our relationship is meant to be more, it will be, and if not, I'm fine with it the way it is.

CONCLUSION
Starts and stops...beginnings and endings...and sometimes not enough time in the middle to document everything. We start things that we never finish. We start things that go on forever and have no real ending. We finish things with a great feeling of accomplishment. We end things feeling that we failed. Starts and stops. We are born and we die. What happens in between?

Make the most of it!