MAXIMUM DENSITY

 PREFACE

I am as heavy as I have ever been in my life. 250 lbs. It is insidious. The weight has crepted up and crepted up over the past 9 years until it has gotten intolerable. This is the line! No more! It stops HERE!

STORY 

In 2009, I weighed 180 lbs and was in fantastic shape. Yes, I could have lost another 20 lbs and been very close to perfect. But that 20 lbs didn't look like it was on me. I carried it very well. I was desirable at 51 yo. 

THAT was 70 lbs ago and it seems like unattainable at the moment. I'm 66, soon to be 67 in September and I look like my grandmother. She was short and chubby. My aunt, who lived with my grandparents and then with my mother and me after they passed, was very tall and chubby. Most of my relatives are chubby. That is why I'm not surprised that I look like a lot of them did while I was a child and growing up. My genetics say I should be zaftig, Rubenesque...plump. My ancestors come from Ireland, Scotland, and England. When I visited England in 2003, I saw many people who looked like my relatives! I'm HOME! I thought. I felt I fit in. 

I'm heavier now. I don't fit in to anything. Tipping the scales at 250 lbs pushes the structural strength of my bras and the comfort of wearing them. I wear maxi dresses around the house to hide the bulk of my body. It's lulled me into accepting the extra weight and the shifting of skin and fat. It lets me use the excuse (to myself) that I don't have to go out into the world, everything I need can be brought to me or picked up without "going into the store to get it." Since the pandemic made all of us more "hermits" than "gad about town social butterflies," I haven't recovered my desire to venture forth and explore. 

I have also not exercised regularly in quite a while. I get up from bed. Sit at my desk working on my laptop (or descending down the rabbit hole that is the Internet time suck!). Get up to make my smoothie (Breakfast & Lunch & supplements). Back on the computer. Get up to move to the TV room. Make dinner or order dinner & drive to pick it up. Play games on my Kindle while watching TV. Go to bed & play more games until the Kindle falls on my nose cuz I'm asleep somewhere around 3, 4, 5 am in the morning. Sleep until noon, 1, 2 pm and get up to do it all over again.  

CONCLUSION

My grandmother, Sadie Insley, (Gram or Grammy) was in better shape than I am now. She got up at 5 am (from years of living with a Merchant Marine & fisherman) and made coffee and started cooking. She cooked all day, off and on, when she wasn't washing clothes, hanging them to dry, tending the garden and harvesting, then entertaining the family that passed through her doors all day, every day. 

There's just me and my sister, and 3 cats and 2 horses that need tending. Toni hires a man to feed and clean stalls in the morning (early...earlier than she is willing to get up now that she's 75!). Feeding the cats in the morning and at night, 2 of the kittahs are still kittens so they eat whenever they are hungry and we can get them to eat something! It's not a whole lot to do. It's so hot that outside is taken at dusk and dawn, in small bites (for exercise). But I soon must take my losing weight seriously, lest I have some health problem that I can't "correct" and have to live with much less that I CAN do than I now just don't WANT to do. One step at a time!

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE COVID-19 TUNNEL: WEEK 52!

  PREFACE

Today I received my first shot of Moderna vaccine! It was uneventful and so far, I'm not experiencing any effects. Not even a sore arm. In 28 days, I receive my second shot and will be vaccinated against contracting COVID-19. 

STORY

There hasn't been enough time passed to be sure for how long the vaccination will protect. But at this time, it is recommended that we all get vaccinated yearly, just like the regular flu vaccine. I have never been one to get the flu vaccine due to the mutations yearly and the vaccine not protecting from the new strains. Since the pandemic, I've had time to rethink that opinion. I think once I'm clear of the timeframe, I'll get the flu vaccine and the pneumonia vaccine (good for 10 years!).

My being overweight got me the shot when being under 65 did not. I'm 64 and 5 months! I do have asthmatic bronchitis. I do have high blood pressure (if they bothered to take my BP with an automatic cuff), eventho I don't take meds for it. I control it with celery juice (when I think of juicing). My blood pressure is notable due to being 100 lbs overweight! Normally, when I'm within a normal weight range, it's so low they have to take it twice to make sure I'm alive! My blood sugar also runs low (with a father and paternal grandmother who both had Type 2 diabetes). I am usually in good health. I take many homeopathic vitamins and supplements to stay that way. I regularly take sodium bicarbonate (baking soda) which lowers my body's acidity. Turmeric every day to help thin my blood (no blood clots or strokes).

CONCLUSION

I try to do all I can to stay healthy, except exercise. I have been WAY TOO sedentary. I just brought my Gazelle (exercise equipment) down from my storage unit. I haven't cleared a spot in my room for it yet so I can use it, but it's a start. I'm closer to adding more movement to my daily life. Let's hope I can maintain the momentum. There is a light at the end of this long, dark COVID-19 tunnel for me. I have been housebound for longer than most. Only going out to pickup takeout or groceries (already shopped and bagged for me at WalMart or Publix). The shot was only the second time I've been in Publix in the past 11 months! I stopped doing my vendor work (mystery shopping) last June. I will be delighted to be able to go out again, even if it will be with a mask for as long as necessary!

COVID-19: WK 17 - PERSONAL MAINTENANCE

PREFACE
During this pandemic, you might find yourself slipping on your personal maintenance. I've noticed a lot of the men growing beards and their hair. While salons and barbershops are closed or have been closed for many months, this is just an excuse to NOT shave or cut your hair. Also, it's a great thing that ZOOM does NOT have SMELL-A-VISION...LOL! I know for a fact that those attending meetings by ZOOM are NOT wearing (outside the house, dress or casual) pants, if pants at all.

STORY
I'm not one to shower every day in "normal" circumstances. I don't do manual labor or sweat if I can help it, so going 2, or even 3 days, without bathing is not apparent to others around me. But with the stay-in-place routine, my showering has taken on a new challenge for me. If I get up late in the afternoon/early evening, I may not have an opportunity to shower. I make my smoothie, then start preparing dinner. I sit down with my sister and eat and watch TV. I may not get up again until it's time for bed (not counting bathroom breaks). It may be a week before I realize that my hair is in dire need of washing! I put it in a ponytail on top of my head and that buys me another day or two if I HAVE to go out for takeout. I don't like to go out in public without clean hair/body. Since there is no one coming into our home, it doesn't matter much, but going out is another thing entirely.

It is also a problem with online dating during the COVID-19 global pandemic. If you happen to contact a suitable match, you can't let them see you when you haven't bathed or kept up. Thick, unruly eyebrows. No makeup. Unwashed hair. Eww. So you have to stall until you find out if it's worth it to "doll up" for this contact or if this is just another miss in your search. Now that everyone has accepted that video conferencing or virtual dating is something to do...do we have to work harder to be presentable?! LOL

CONCLUSION
That would be a good reason to keep up on your personal maintenance if online dating during a pandemic was viable. I had yet to see that online dating was viable pre-COVID, much less now, when everyone is quarantined or staying-in-place. No one is venturing out, except those with no concept of mortality or social conscientiousness. I guess I'll go cut my talons (toenails) and put the top coat on my fingernails, brush my soft, clean hair, and then snuggle into my cozy bed to try to sleep, perhaps to dream.... More than likely, not sleep until the sun comes up, and then sleep through the 106 degree high for July 1st, 2020. Take care of yourselves! Be safe. Wear a face mask in public. Practice social distancing inside public places. Don't go out if you don't need to, especially if your immune system is compromised or you have medical issues. Stay alive and we will all get thru this. Love to All! 

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2019!

PREFACE
A new year. What joy will this year bring to me? Every day is a new chance for joy. Not just the first day of the new year. But we all see it and mark it as a new beginning.

STORY
This year brings along with it the old problems of the last two years, since #45 was put into the presidency. I resolved last year to "unplug" from the news on the weekends on Friday night and not watch the news again until Sunday night. This gives me a break from the non-stop dumpster fire that is the Trump presidency!

I am also still fighting the effects of PTSD, depression and anxiety, but the need to fight them is getting a little more infrequent. I have tried to start a running count of "days I haven't cried" but can't seem to get past 3 days. I am still broken.

I started a weight loss program in the beginning of November. I've lost 11 lbs, even through the holidays. I'm in my 14th week and I'm going to lose 60 lbs. I am tired of carrying around the extra weight. I'm tired of my joints aching. I'm tired of not being able to do things that I use to do with ease. I'm just tired! This program (Noom) is based online and aligns with my lifestyle. This will be a success!!

CONCLUSION
So with a new year, comes a new outlook. My one resolution this year will be to move forward.

WHAT I HAVE TO LEARN...

PREFACE
As the title addresses, what I have to learn...is a lot. I am always learning and hungry to learn. Sometimes the lesson is not so easy to identify. We go through good times and bad times and we should learn something from both, but bad times are harder to substantiate with a lesson. Our reality is made by our thoughts, so we are responsible for both the good and bad. Most people do not want to accept this premise.

STORY
I have recently gone through much change in my life. Experienced trauma in several different ways and I've had to work towards resolving what is the "now" of my life. In April of this year, I was forced out of my long-term housing (5 years in a house and location that I loved!) and had to humbly move back in with my sister. I am exceedingly grateful to her for her generosity because it is a terrible imposition and disruption of her life and home. During this vacation of my home, I broke my leg! The first broken bone of my lifetime. LESSON: I should have started sooner to pack and disseminate all my belongings of 30 years of accumulation, gotten a storage unit, and stored all that I could before it came down to a deadline.

After moving 140 miles to my sister's, and my broken leg healed, I caught a respiratory infection from visiting a cancer treatment center with a family friend who was going through chemotherapy. I was sick for 8 weeks! LESSON: ALWAYS wash your hands and sanitize while visiting a hospital/medical center! WEAR a mask if possible too! And keep your immune system strong (I had run out of most of my supplements that I regularly take to keep my health at optimum.)

I had been sick with coughing, low grade fever, and general exhaustion for 6 weeks before I went to the clinic for evaluation/treatment. I HATE modern medicine and was treating myself with remedies but needed an antibiotic to kick this bug out of me. I had almost healed when my sister gave it back to me again, and I just couldn't fight it off the second round. LESSON: Keep your immune system at optimum.

In one week in October, my family lost two dear family friends and our 19 year old cat. Three deaths within four days. Dan (74) died Wednesday night from complications of cancer treatment, Barry (67) died Tuesday from a heart attack, and Snowball (19 = 92 human years) died in his sleep of old age (warranty on all the parts ran out). This was HELL week for my sister and me. LESSON: Appreciate every day you are given. It's a gift, don't waste it. Tell your loved ones you love them every day.

Dan (1940-2014)

Barry (1947-2014)

Snowball (1995-2014)

CONCLUSION
The lessons we are presented with will be presented again and again, if we don't learn from them. I am very bad at meeting deadlines. It's a control thing and I have to get over it. I need to take better care of my health, especially when I'm depressed and overwhelmed. Many difficult times are hard to explain at the time, but great things will come out of tough times if you are open to seeing them, open to positive thoughts about the future. Embrace the present, enjoy your loved ones, and seek joy everyday!

MOVING DISASTER

PREFACE: 

I wish the best to all of you having to move by choice but please APPRECIATE anyone who is helping you! I just had to vacate my (5 year) rental due to my landlord lost the house in foreclosure and it was auctioned in January. So that means I moved NOT by choice. My 2/2 with 1 car garage was holding the accumulated possessions of 20 years with my late husband, momentos of my son growing up, 14+ years of crafting and fine arts, ongoing eBay sales items, and 10 years of teaching (student work) at college level. I had 60 days to whittle down the mass, pack and store it all...or get rid of it. NOT enough time doing it by myself! 

DISASTER STORY: 

The last night of moving belongings into a rented UHaul (by myself) ended in a bad step off the back of the truck as I BEGAN to unload this last load into the storage unit. I fell 4 1/2 feet and landed on my right foot, hearing a loud POP in my knee, crumbling down to try to catch myself with my left leg twisting my ankle, down...down...down landing just above my tailbone and then hitting the back of my head on the parking lot blacktop. Laying there for 20 minutes, crying from the pain, in a puddle with a light rain falling on me...not knowing what damage I'd done...the storage facility now closed to incoming traffic...I was completely alone, with a full moving truck to be unloaded! I finally limped and hopped my way back to the cab of the truck, crawled up into it, welcoming the heater available as it was dropping to 59 degrees rapidly! and my cellphone! I called everyone I knew within 50 miles and got mostly voicemail response. It was 9:30 on a Tuesday night. One of my friends said he'd come and bring others to help when I refused to call an ambulance. He came, with a friend and they both unloaded my truck. I couldn't walk but could press the gas pedal to drive the truck back to the house again for the things I had left for last minute loading into my car and distribution to others. They loaded up my UHaul truck again, and unloaded it again into my storage unit. THAT is true friendship!

At 2 a.m., I drove myself to the ER, used a Rubbermaid two-step ladder as a walker, and after x-rays found out I had broken my leg. I spent the next 8 hours in ER, getting pain shots and pills so they could straighten my leg to put a splint brace on. They released me to another friend to drive me away from the hospital, not that I was letting that happen. I had her drive me to my car and I drove to her house (up 2 flights of stairs! where the rest of my stuff was & my cat!). I was moving that day to my sister's house 140 miles south. I had already told her not to drive up to get me, I wasn't towing my car down, that I was capable of driving (with both feet), and would arrive later that day.

I am now recuperating with family in a spare room with all that I could pack into my subcompact Toyota. I had to suspend all my online selling, my artwork, and my crafting until I am (literally) on my feet again. Moving doesn't suck, it is a gut-wrenching life event that is like losing a loved one, especially if you aren't in charge of the decision. At this point, 17 days later, I don't know what I saved and stored and what was left to scavengers and the landfill. I have flashbacks about items that I'm not sure I still have in one place or the other. It was traumatic on so many levels that it will be some time before I am able to move forward, much less create and enjoy my arts again.

RESOLUTION: I am allowing myself time to heal. Writing about it is cathartic and hopefully will help others. I am so grateful for my dear friends who helped me through this and my beloved family who is helping me heal. Things can be replaced, people cannot! As long as your move includes those you love, you can always survive. 

BAREFOOT IS THE BEST

PREFACE
I have been going barefoot all my life. Any time, anywhere I could get away with it. I even drive barefoot most of the time. There is now a shoe that was designed for barefooters like me!

STORY
Vibram Five Fingers Shoes which are shoes made with five toes like a glove is made for five fingers and they are finally coming into the mainstream. I've seen recent advertising and product placement in a current show (Rizzoli and Isles) on TV. I first saw these amazing shoes from following a link on Tim Ferriss's blog. I love these shoes and as soon as I can afford a pair, I'm ordering them! I am barefoot as much as I can possibly get away with. One of the most disappointing times in my life was when I was a kid and the local grocery store put up the first sign that read "Shoes Are Required, No Bare Feet." It was only to cover liability if someone got injured walking barefoot in their store but I have always been willing to take responsibility for my own decisions. If I stepped on broken glass, it's my fault. This country is too sue-happy and not willing to take responsibility.

CONCLUSION
We are not meant to stuff our feet into shoes that restrict the natural movement of our toes. Most back problems can be attributed to the wrong kind of footwear. Shoes cause most feet malformations and ailments. Barefoot is more healthy and these shoes allow your feet to be natural and protected. Be kind to your feet, what else are you going to walk on?

UP AND RUNNING AGAIN...

PREFACE
Finally got paid! Ordered the power supply for Ye Ole Mac (bought c. 1999), all my supplements that I was out of, required book for online grad course, replacement batteries for PowerBook (Mac G4), and paid ALL my bills. YAY!

STORY
When the power supply burned out (with a loud POP!) last month, I was forced to buy a laptop to re-write my term paper just in time for the end of last semester. Luckily, I know a guy. A guy that turns out to be one of the GOOD guys! He sold me a G4 laptop (about 4 years old which in Mac years is brand new!) for $400. A bargain (but not an expense which I was prepared for) and I was thrilled to have it.

I lost all my work on my term paper but my professor allowed for the situation and gave me three days past deadline to turn it in, which I did. I passed the class but didn't earn a high enough grade to avoid having to appeal an "academic progress" hold on my financial aid. I won my appeal. I'm at the beginning of my fourth week of this semester.

Working as an adjunct professor, I only get paid at the end of the semester which means I work for 6-8 weeks with NO PAY. It requires some fancy financial juggling for someone who has been unemployed for over a year...to say the least. The unexpected need for a laptop put me behind the proverbial eightball financially. I ran out of almost half of my supplements for the last week and was about to buy groceries for my neighbor on my food stamp card in exchange for cash to buy gas to get to work, when my retro pay from unemployment came through. Then my paycheck was deposited, and I'm flush again.

CONCLUSION
I am so grateful that I have found peace with it all. I meditate and leave the worrying to God (or whatever higher power of your choice). Worry doesn't change anything. If you worry every minute of every waking day, it doesn't change the outcome of what you are worrying about. If you didn't worry at all, the same thing is going to happen. So why worry? It's a diamond-hard habit to break, but it is possible. You just let go.

My life is wonderful. It is going in the direction I want it to go. Things ARE working out the best for me. I deserve to be happy, to be healthy, to have abundance and to prosper, and that is what is happening. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. Peace & Joy!

DAY 39: THE DARK PLACE

PREFACE
It is 5:30AM and I'm still awake. My weight loss goal is on hold. The makeup work for my Incomplete grade is on hold and due in 4 weeks. I have letters to request from former supervising professors. I'm at the end of my unemployment year and awaiting word on my new claim year. Then there's income tax to file and my credit to clean up and a credit score to rescue from the dungeon. 'Tis a dark time & a dark place.

STORY
As you suspect, my sleeping patterns have not returned to any resemblance to normal. I'm still staying up til dawn sometimes and sleeping until early afternoon. I'm lucky to get two good meals out of the day and no exercise. The colder days of February has slowed my "lizard-like" metabolism down to a crawl. Motivation to venture out is almost non-existent.

I'm late-night snacking and not following my life diet very well these days. Ian brought packaged food into the house that had thawed from the transportation lag-time and non-cooler storage of the move from Ft. Lauderdale to Sebastian, FL. He's been back down there three or four times in the past week (having trouble adjusting and letting go...which is understandable, since I went through it too when I first moved up here). This IS the farthest he's ever lived away from his known universe. But this has introduced thawed breaded fish sticks & Swedish meatballs, and ThinMints, and many boxes of cereal into my food storage areas. Things that had to be eaten before they spoiled and I was the only one HOME to eat them.

The bright glow of hope in all this is that I have a part time job starting soon with the local college...teaching graphic design!! I am so thrilled! I have to get the rest of the paperwork in to the HR dept., but it's a done deal. I'll be teaching in Ft. Pierce (30 miles away) and maybe in Vero Beach (14 miles away). I am so happy to back to teaching undergrads and back in academia. I've missed it beyond description.

Tied in with the new teaching job is my pursuit of my Master's degree. I have 4 weeks to makeup the work for a passing grade in my first online class; so I can continue with my second class in April and receive my active loan disbursement & loan deferments.

Timing is everything! This job will come at a time when my UE benefits have run out. The ed loan will come when I need a laptop for work and to pay any minimal income tax owed. My credit score will be improved enough to qualify me to buy this house under a magical first-time buyer program. The weight will start to come off and I will get into the best physical shape of my life.

CONCLUSION
Everything will come together, money will be available to pay everything, and this will be the dawning of a wonderfully enlightened time in my life. Stay tuned...

DAY TEN: GET BACK ON TRACK

PREFACE
Weigh-in is on Saturday to see if I've lost 10lbs. After 9 days of having 'fallen off the wagon' and not starting my exercise routine...I am still determined to lose 50lbs by March 15th, 2010. I'm very confident that I am moving forward in my efforts.

STORY
The worst breech in my daily effort has been the Domino's pizzas I got and ate all last week. I buy their 3 medium pizzas for $5 each special every two weeks or so. I pig out the night they arrive and then freeze the leftovers for later. Later being the next several days! When I say pig out, I mean 6 or more slices. Now this would be a lot for a large pizza (16") with lots of toppings. But for a medium pizza, with only extra cheese or mushrooms being the added topping, it's not as bad as it sounds. Plus Domino's has started brushing the edge with herbs & garlic, which makes it irresistible. What is it about pizza that is soooo addicting? A friend offered this reason: it's the sugar. Could be...but I'm not giving up sugar! I don't care how much substituting they do, sugar tastes good. I know refined white sugar is bad so I use raw or sugar cane juice sugar instead. I gave up on the chemical sugars because they ARE poison and I don't want them in my body. I avoid white flour like the plague (which is why my addiction to pizza is so WRONG!).

I also made a recipe off the CoolWhip container using the fresh strawberries I bought to make a frozen delight which I used as dessert for 6 days. Each serving was about 300 calories.

CONCLUSION
All in all, I've managed to stay within the 1200-1500 calories/day even though I've been way off in my usual eating habits. The deciding factor in whether I lose this weight is exercise! My intake of calories would barely keep a woman of my height at 150lbs, IF SHE WERE UNDER 40 AND QUITE ACTIVE! I AM NOT THAT STATISTIC. We shall see on Saturday when I weigh in. (And by the way, no sex since last Monday. I would happily use 90 minutes of sex every day for my exercise!!)

DAY TWO: RUNAROUND ERRANDS

PREFACE
Only got 7 hours sleep, 2 hrs less than I NEED every night. Yes...I said it, NEED. I hear from most people that they only need 5-7 hours...they can't sleep any longer than that. Well I say that something is wrong with them. Everybody needs 7 1/2 or more hours of straight, uninterrupted sleep a night. Most don't GET it, but we all NEED it. People convince themselves that they can continue to live on 7 or less hours. Al that does is shorten their lives. Sleep is when our bodies repair themselves, rejuvenate. Besides, I really needed the rest to have the energy for the errands I had to run during the day. AND EAT BREAKFAST FOR GOODNESS SAKES! (I have a protein smoothie of my own design, approx. 400 calories & 3 egg whites with one yolk for color, scrambled. Yum.)

STORY
Today I was going to open a new (local) bank account, but I got to the bank 23 minutes after they closed. The biggest drawback of being a late riser! I did get around to picking up the paint (interior & exterior) that was being given away on Freecycle.com (like craigslist but everything is free...still-usable items given away instead of filling the landfills!...YAY!). It was very cold today so I wanted to pick up the paint before it was effected by the temperatures (40s).

Then it was off to WalMart to rent two movies (for free) from the Redbox kiosk with the FREE promo code I got sent to my email. Once I got home, I downloaded several FREE self-improvement items in video form and watched a couple. I did laundry and snuggled down to watch some TV. Five days into the new year and there is a plethera of diet (fad diets) commercials on every channel, during every show. Yes...they work...for some people....at some times..but ONLY ONCE! BE AWARE! Granted, one of the most common New Year's resolutions is to lose weight, I think even more than 'get in shape' or to quit smoking. (I'll have to check on that.)

CONCLUSION
No exercise today other than running around in the car. Watched the movies I rented. Have to return them by 9PM tomorrow. It is an excuse to get out of the house! Eating healthy, giving YOUR body what it needs specifically, and EXERCISE is the way to losing and maintaining a healthy weight. As you get older, accept the fact that you will either have to reduce your intake or increase your activity to remain the same. You cannot eat like you are 20 when you are 30! and you have to work out MORE to keep from gaining weight...it only gets worse at 40 and above. But you can DO something about it as long as you are healthy and working at it will keep you healthy.

DAY ONE: SEX & PIZZA

PREFACE
Today is the first day of my goal of losing 50lbs in 70 days. I did well in planning what I was going to do today before I even got out of bed. But somehow, it didn't work out as planned...it was better!

STORY
I lay in bed and plan out how my day will be, how it will go along, and what I will do or accomplish. I repeat my list of 5 goals, then get out of bed. I text'd my married lover/handyman asking when he can come by and install my kitchen faucet (and take care of MY plumbing at the same time...after all, IT'S BEEN A MONTH SINCE I'VE HAD SEX!). To my delight, he text's back that he will be here in an hour...YAY! I take care of a few things online, pay a bill or two, check dating sites for communications (more on that later) and then step into the shower to tweak my shaved status and get all clean for him.

WS arrives just as I finish blow drying my hair...I'm still wrapped in a big towel, which turns him on immediately. We kiss and caress and strip each other down...then I lead him to my bedroom and we spend the next 90 minutes or so having vigorous, delicious sex. I swear it gets better every time. Afterwards, WS massages my neck, shoulders, and back...which was also delicious. Then he asked me to sit up and he talked me through some healing methods to help my lower back. As we sat naked, cross-legged, facing each other...he said that I had an incredibly strong aura that he felt right away. (He's a Christian Scientist...very spiritual, self-healing, metaphysical, etc....) We got into the shower and enjoyed the water and each other's bodies for a short time and then went to work on the kitchen faucet. Went to Home Depot for parts and came back to finish. We enjoy each other's company and talk about everything (his wife and kids, who I'm dating, my family, art, movies, etc...). He may be moving back to NY and if that happens, I will miss him greatly.

I hadn't eaten anything all day, so I ordered pizza from Domino's. WS had to leave before it was delivered. I ate 6 pieces of a medium cheese pizza.

CONCLUSION
So my exercise for today: 90 minutes of vigorous sex (489 calories burned)
Food intake: Pizza (960 cal.) and ice cream (270 cal.)

A great start to my goal!

KEEPING IT TOGETHER WHILE LOSING IT

PREFACE
Tomorrow is the first day of my goal to lose 50lbs in 10 weeks. I was inspired by watching The Diet Tribe on cable. Five women friends that vowed to lose 50lbs in four months and then compete in a triathalon. I know that I can do better than they did for several reasons.

STORY
I know that I don't have the issues these women had, I have a whole set of different issues to deal with, and I will. None of these women were over 40 years old. They had a personal trainer to instruct them and ride their asses. They were getting paid to do this project so they could afford the healthy foods. I know what it feels like to lose 50lbs and to exercise routinely producing a healthy, fit body. I remember what that feels like and I will feel that again.

I will be documenting my progress with what works for me. If this inspires anyone to try what I do/did and see if it works for them, more power to you. I am of the opinion that each person is unique and what works for me, may not work for you, and vice versa. I have tried many 'diets' and 'magic pills' and 'food plans'...all for naught. My healthy eating habits (life diet) which I have developed over the past six years have not helped me lose weight, but have maintained my weight while my activity has decreased drastically. I have become a 'lump' on the couch or I sit for hours in front of the computer. I need to greatly increase my activity level...in other words, "start working my ass off!" to achieve my weight-loss goal. I will be reporting what I eat and how I've exercised, my hits and misses, stress management, and inspiration.

CONCLUSION
If I am consuming 1200-1500 calories a day and not exercising, I cannot expect to lose weight. My body has become comfortable on reduced caloric intake. It has become comfortable at this weight and now I must make it uncomfortable. I have to use up more calories than I take in, not an easy task. My goal is at least one hour of vigorous exercise a day, with some yoga (new to me) thrown in. Ready, Set...Go!

JOY, HEALTH & PROSPERITY IN THE NEW YEAR

PREFACE
I rented two 'chick flicks' for free from the REDBOX movie rentals (had a code from a freebies site). Made myself a yummy dinner of baked a Teriyaki chicken, steamed broccoli & carrots. Vegged out in front of the television and awaited the New Year.

STORY
I am comfortable with being alone for New Year's Eve. I didn't want to go out to celebrate and then have to drive myself home. The roads are too risky on this particular night of the year. Drunk drivers are still causing holiday tragedy and I didn't want to be a part of it.

BB was involved in a 'sweat lodge' experience for his bringing in of the new year. My sister couldn't afford to have a party and neither could I. I'm not yet involved enough with my neighbors to be invited to any festivities within walking distance. So I enjoyed my own company and two very funny movies too.

CONCLUSION
I watched THE UGLY TRUTH & GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST. Both could be considered to be DATE movies and tolerable by men, but I enjoyed looking at the gorgeous leading men as a bonus to the movies themselves being entertaining. Just goes to show you what a good girlfriend I will make some deserving guy. I don't force 'chick flicks' on my man.

But I can't help but think there was a man out there, either alone or reluctantly at a party...without me...when we could have been together, enjoying the night & the new hope of a better year...sealed with a kiss at midnight. What a chance he missed! Here's hoping his luck improves and he finds me. Happy New Year and the best to All in 2010!

HATE TO THROW UP!

PREFACE
I know, who doesn't hate to throw up (except those with an eating disorder). I cannot fathom how they do it more than twice. The damage that is done to the throat and esophagus alone. I spent my twenties learning my limit for alcohol and a lot of time "praying to the porcelain god," in other words, vomiting into the toilet until there was only dry heaves and then nap-time on the tile floor. And then there were the bouts with food poisoning of every description and stomach viruses. I HATE TO THROW UP!

STORY
The time change we Americans went through on November 1st this year, marked a disruption to my sleep pattern as I have never experienced before. It is always difficult for me to go back to the standard time reference and the shorter daylight hours. My adjustment usually lasts two weeks or so (which I'm right on schedule). I have been staying up all through the night and then going to bed at 8AM or noon or 3PM!! just to wake up/get up at 9PM or 11PM!! I tried 2 or 3 times to stay up all night and go to bed at a regular time to try to re-set my internal clock but it didn't work. I would just continue to be awake until 2 or 3 in the morning.

Anyway, I was on this sleep roller-coaster on Monday night when I decided to make a pot roast. I cooked it in a roasting bag and after it was done, I put it on the stove-top to rest before carving it, then while relaxing on the couch I fell asleep. It was all sealed up in the bag, but I didn't put it in the refrigerator until three hours later when I woke up, heated up a little of it and ate. Then I worked on my classwork for several hours before I went to bed for another 6 hour stretch.

Tuesday night I heated up a little more of it for a late dinner and worked on the computer for several hours. I took a break to watch some TV and fell asleep on the couch. About 5 or 6 hours later I woke up with a belly ache. It was around 4AM and while sitting on the toilet waiting for some resolution to the rumbling tummy I got the unmistakable feeling of increased saliva production...I grabbed the waste basket and put it in front of me, just in time to vomit (while still sitting on the toilet!). Diarrhea and vomiting...oh, what fun. I don't think any other animal but man goes through this helpless, uncontrollable malady. After about 20 minutes of this, it finally subsided and all the BAD was out of my system...thank god! I crawled into bed and slept until 8AM.

CONCLUSION
I felt worn out but not sick throughout Wednesday until it got to be 24 hours from the time I was sick. I started to feel pain in my back and ribs. Had I really exerted that much while throwing up? Damn...I'm outta shape! All day Thursday I couldn't even cough or laugh without feeling it in my back and ribs. So I guess the lesson learned here is, don't cook a major meal when you might fall asleep and inadvertently give yourself food poisoning! Always store your leftovers right away in the fridge, not three hours later! And don't fight the time change...just let my body adjust in it's own time, in its own way. I don't have this problem at all in the spring, when we go to Daylight Savings Time. Why can't we just stay on that all year long??

ACADEMIC PROGRESS

PREFACE
For those who don't know, when you start a new semester in college you go through stages. First the gathering of supplies...books mostly, then the adjusting your time to meet the required instruction, study time, assignment submissions, and feedback from the instructor. You learn what's expected from him/her and what the rules are. Online courses are no different but you have the added element of technology.

STORY
It takes me about two weeks to adjust at the beginning and this has always been okay, for courses that last 16 weeks. I am now on a 10 week course schedule and haven't made THAT adjustment. A week into this new experience, I failed to get my books on time by one day (called on Friday to order them and was told my financial aid voucher had to be used by the PREVIOUS day). OK...no problem...I'll get my loan check in time to order my books and have them by the fourth week of classes (not remembering that I only HAVE ten weeks!). Then around the 10th or 11th day, I strained a muscle in my back and couldn't sit up in a chair or in bed! I could lie down or stand up...that's it! It made it almost impossible to do my classwork, so I fell behind. My instructor was understanding since she also suffers from back problems. Two weeks later and as much behind in my work, I finally started getting some of my required books. Except ONE I needed for week 3 and week 5 reading, which the professor didn't post. So I continue to struggle with catching up.

CONCLUSION
The obligation and commitment of earning a degree is still a scheduled thing even if it is not in a physical classroom on a campus. Discipline and organization are the keys to success in academic pursuits. And it also helps to like what you are studying (the good stuff and the boring). It is all in your attitude. You decide if it is worth it or not.

NO SEX SATURDAY

PREFACE
Having had a few days of "not feeling so healthy" I was looking forward to a massage and little sex today from my married lover. He is my handyman, my 'rent-a-husband' (for real!), and he gives me attention for about four hours on Saturday starting around 2PM. But not today.

STORY
I woke up to my alarm clock at 11AM, but had had only 7 hrs sleep and needed more. I reset my alarm for 12N and went back to sleep. At noon, the alarm went off again, so I hit the snooze (10mins extra)...three times! and finally was awake at 12:30PM. I texted my lover good morning and waited. WS replied that he wasn't able to come today due to dental problems. I texted him back and told him to rest and heal, and that I missed him.

Feeling a little let down, I got an IM and a phone call from a prospective lover who lives 90 mins NW of me, but we've never hooked up as yet. LC is also in the handyman crafts, recently divorced, and he works 6 days a week. Today he took off work for mental health and is taking off next Saturday too. Now my dilemma is: Do I start a sexual relationship with LC, who is not married but also not available but every once in a while due to work? Do I really want to start a purely sexual thing or do I hold out for a local, full relationship?

I was suppose to go to a movie & drinks/live music last night with KS who I met on Tagged. We've spoken on the phone a couple of times and he REALLY wants to meet me and take me out. I told him it would be as friends (since he's a little older than I date). Then his work had an emergency and he couldn't call me on his cell due to reception interference (at the airport where he works). I got notice of this after waiting...ready to go...all made up...two hours past the time he said he'd call. I figured I was stood-up and went online to Tagged to play some Mafia Wars and check emails. His email was there explaining what had happened. I wasn't mad...shit happens. I told him that I had plans for Saturday, so he had suggested that maybe we could go to the movie on Sunday. I emailed him back that would be good.

CONCLUSION
So today I'm working on projects, self-improvement and home-improvement. Taking my time with no one pushing me to 'get it done' or waiting for me to be ready to go. As a mature single woman, playing the field can give you many choices. I am not a 'player' since I do not lie about my relationships to anyone in a relationship with me. If a man asks me if I'm dating anyone else, I tell him the truth. If he asks me if I'm having sex with anyone else, again I tell him the truth. If they ask the question, they better be prepared for the truthful answer. I don't volunteer the information unless asked. It's not their business unless they want to make it their business. This all changes if there are serious emotions involved between both me and the man. I am all for being exclusive, but I also exercise the freedom that men have had for centuries. My happiness is exploring all the possibilities available to me.

SELF IMPROVEMENT

PREFACE
As human beings we strive to improve ourselves. It's a basic need to reach self-actualizaiton or what some call enlightenment. Take into consideration that there is an enormous population of humans that will never reach enlightenment because they live in horrendous conditions where ignorance is the rule, to keep the masses controllable. In a country like ours, this should not be, but unfortunately it does exist. Mazlow's Heirarchy of Needs shows that self-actualization can only happen when all the other needs are met. The deficiency needs, of which self esteem is just below self-actualization, have to be met before moving on to the next level. With our tough economic times, self esteem has taken a hit.

STORY
There is a plethora of self improvement systems out there.
The Law of Attraction. This particular idea is so evident and easy to understand that most don't get it. It is based on breaking habits of negativity and thinking your way into a better life. Good thoughts attract good things. Believing the you are already at the place you want to be, things are already taken care of, and eliminating worry from your life.
Visualizing is closely related. As something that very successful people from all walks of life have testified to, visualization works. An athlete crossing the finish line is never surprised that they won, because they already saw themselves doing it. It is something that many people have to practice in the beginning. Vision Boards and Dream Posters were the first visual representation of what you want, your goals. Now there are MindMovies which gives free generic movies which uses visual images and music which taps into brain frequencies to align the mind and the brain. You see what you want and your mind is receptive. Or you can create your own specific mindmovie to manifest your dreams.
Motivational tapes and seminars to help you through your self improvement. Motivating people to get out of their own way in becoming successful in their lives, in getting a better life, and finding their true calling. Many of these will involve making money or providing a steady income. And some claim the "get rich quick" theme that is so familiar. You can waste lots of money on these if YOU are not prepared to succeed, and many are not. YOU have to know what you want, what your dreams are and what you would do if they were realized. Otherwise, FEAR will take over and you will never follow through. If you are more comfortable on paper, in writing, then you can write your story the way you want it to be. And there are many others out there, I have only listed a few that I personally have checked out and have found helped me. If something strikes a chord with you, if it makes you excited...go for it! and follow through! If you are worried how you'll pay for it, believe that you will have the money somehow when you need it. Move forward towards your dream.

CONCLUSION
You can have your dream. You deserve it. You must prepare for it. Eliminate negative from your life. Don't let others draw you into their negative, fearful lives. It is all right to request that others around you not talk about negative things. Stop watching the news. Filter your news to stay informed but stop taking in all the negative, all the time. DREAM BIG!! ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!

LABOR DAY

PREFACE
I am looking for that one special man I can love and share my life with but in the meantime, I intend to bring happiness into my life every day. I have a lover I'm seeing once a week at least and now that I have my regular sex life taken care of, it's time to work on increasing my activity even more. I researched into a local bike-a-thon that I can enter to motivate me to exercise more. I love to ride my bike but haven't ridden once since I moved here almost 6 months ago. Having gained 30 lbs from March to June, I desperately need to get my ass out there and ride!

STORY
Instead I mowed the front lawn. That in itself is good exercise and burns lots of calories. 537 calories burned in 1 hour. I made my goal to start training on Tuesday if the weather permitted. I have to mow the lawn over two days, front yard one day, the backyard the next. If I try it all in one day, I could faint from heat stroke. After all, I live in central Florida and it hasn't started to cool off yet. Another week or two and then the weather is gorgeous...it's what the tourists come down here for.

CONCLUSION
Some exercise is better than no exercise. I am trying to move more every day. 5hrs/day = 20 mins/hour you are awake. This doesn't count when you are sick but still try to move when you can and rest enough to get well. Once you are well again, start back to the goal of 5hrs/day of moving (walking, climbing stairs, bike riding, grocery shopping, doing laundry, gardening, shooting pool, swimming...anything to move!). Love yourself first and love will find you.

TOO MUCH STIMULATION

PREFACE
Be careful when starting up a new sexual relationship! Whether it be with the opposite sex or a new sex toy. When we were young and just beginning to explore sex, there's a condition called "The Ditney (sp)" which was defined as "over f**ked and underfed"...or at least in my time. It happened when you got with a new partner and screwed like rabbits. Every which way, every moment available. Sometimes you went for days, just sex...naps...food...more sex, and repeat. (LOL) Well, apparently this can happen when breaking in a new sex toy too (and having more sex with a partner than you're use to). The condition is soreness when urinating, sometimes burning, sometimes pain, due to the overabundance of rubbing in the area of the urinary tract.

STORY
I had a reaction on Tuesday night to all the sex and sex toy play I'd had last week! It was not pleasant but it was short-lived, thank goodness. In the most delicate way I can put it, I had the urge to pee all the time! After 7 hours of it, it became quite painful. Thankfully, after taking some Motrin and drinking lots of water, it did subside. Add to the 'too much stimulation' that I had also been working outside in the heat, losing buckets of sweat and not paying attention to how much water I drank (this was for the two days prior to Tuesday night). So a combination of dehydration and over-stimulation with the Relentless Rabbit caused this urgency to manifest. It had been so long since I had experienced anything like this that I didn't recognize it for what it was. I was looking up the symptoms on the internet (which sometimes the access to so much information CAN be a bad thing) and imagining all sorts of things. Once I realized what had happened and followed my instincts, everything was fine. My instincts told me to increase my intake of water and try to bring down the inflammation, which was probably internal (hence the Motrin).

CONCLUSION
Don't be so paranoid about sex. Those in charge of education unfortunately have been fueled by the organized religions into scaring the crap out of everybody. It's all about controlling the masses. Our children have had it drilled into their heads by the school system that sex is bad (abstain), it will kill you (STDs), or you will get pregnant and ruin your life. In the 21st century, you would have thought we would be more advanced than this as a developed country. Yes, you have to be careful (STDs can be spread orally as well). Yes, you have to use protection (WARNING: lambskin is only good against pregnancy not STDs). Yes, anything in excess is bad for you (there's no shame in using lubricant). So try to practice moderation. And if you get 'The Ditney', just try to cuddle more and cause friction less for a while, or alternate manual stimulation with mechanical, to allow time for recovery. Enjoy your life as a sexual being!