WHAT I HAVE TO LEARN...

PREFACE
As the title addresses, what I have to learn...is a lot. I am always learning and hungry to learn. Sometimes the lesson is not so easy to identify. We go through good times and bad times and we should learn something from both, but bad times are harder to substantiate with a lesson. Our reality is made by our thoughts, so we are responsible for both the good and bad. Most people do not want to accept this premise.

STORY
I have recently gone through much change in my life. Experienced trauma in several different ways and I've had to work towards resolving what is the "now" of my life. In April of this year, I was forced out of my long-term housing (5 years in a house and location that I loved!) and had to humbly move back in with my sister. I am exceedingly grateful to her for her generosity because it is a terrible imposition and disruption of her life and home. During this vacation of my home, I broke my leg! The first broken bone of my lifetime. LESSON: I should have started sooner to pack and disseminate all my belongings of 30 years of accumulation, gotten a storage unit, and stored all that I could before it came down to a deadline.

After moving 140 miles to my sister's, and my broken leg healed, I caught a respiratory infection from visiting a cancer treatment center with a family friend who was going through chemotherapy. I was sick for 8 weeks! LESSON: ALWAYS wash your hands and sanitize while visiting a hospital/medical center! WEAR a mask if possible too! And keep your immune system strong (I had run out of most of my supplements that I regularly take to keep my health at optimum.)

I had been sick with coughing, low grade fever, and general exhaustion for 6 weeks before I went to the clinic for evaluation/treatment. I HATE modern medicine and was treating myself with remedies but needed an antibiotic to kick this bug out of me. I had almost healed when my sister gave it back to me again, and I just couldn't fight it off the second round. LESSON: Keep your immune system at optimum.

In one week in October, my family lost two dear family friends and our 19 year old cat. Three deaths within four days. Dan (74) died Wednesday night from complications of cancer treatment, Barry (67) died Tuesday from a heart attack, and Snowball (19 = 92 human years) died in his sleep of old age (warranty on all the parts ran out). This was HELL week for my sister and me. LESSON: Appreciate every day you are given. It's a gift, don't waste it. Tell your loved ones you love them every day.

Dan (1940-2014)

Barry (1947-2014)

Snowball (1995-2014)

CONCLUSION
The lessons we are presented with will be presented again and again, if we don't learn from them. I am very bad at meeting deadlines. It's a control thing and I have to get over it. I need to take better care of my health, especially when I'm depressed and overwhelmed. Many difficult times are hard to explain at the time, but great things will come out of tough times if you are open to seeing them, open to positive thoughts about the future. Embrace the present, enjoy your loved ones, and seek joy everyday!

SPRING HAS SPRUNG!

PREFACE
With spring comes renewal. Grass becomes green again, budding leaves and flowers everywhere, and change is in the air. My life is going through a big change and I don't have a clue how it will all turn out!

STORY
My landlord's house was sold at foreclosure auction on January 22nd. I have been getting letters all about it as the "unknown tenant" but with my name right next to that. So "unknown" but named...lol. Fannie Mae bought the house at auction, and is the agency that guaranteed the original "underwater" mortgage. Funny how things work.

It has been very traumatic to have to move again, and in with family again after 5 years of being on my own in a beautiful town and neighborhood. In central Florida, 2 hours from anywhere I would want to go (but didn't, except to visit family...where I'm moving back to!). I'm under a monumental amount of stress right now, and I broke down into uncontrollable crying today, just to slow me down some more.

I am asking myself what decisions did I make to get me here? Was I using good judgement when I signed up for a graduate level class in November and then continued to pursue that decision until I became $1000 in debt to family friend and 3 weeks away from the end of semester, still not knowing if I can pass this course or not. And when I do pass the class, it won't count for anything if I'm not accepted into the MFA program to complete my degree (of which I have 40/60 credits). It's all hanging in limbo, just like me.

Moving back in with my family entails the loss of freedom. No more walking around naked in the morning or sleeping that way at night. No friends allowed over. My cat isn't allowed anywhere there is carpet, so just my room and the enclosed porch. None of my furniture (my bed!) is allowed in except maybe my computer desk. And if I don't pass my class, I'll have to leave...move again!

I am grateful that I have somewhere to go, even if for only a month or two.

CONCLUSION
I must re-examine what I am manifesting if this is where I am right now. I don't want to be at this point, with these decisions and pressure, moving back to where I gladly left 5 years ago. I don't want to be "let go" from another college teaching job after 3 years because I don't have my MFA! I just wish I knew what to do, what to decide. I will meditate (which I have been doing more and more lately) and ask again, and again, and again, until I get a clear answer. My life seems to be nothing but change and renewal. Happy Spring!

LOVE, MONEY, HEALTH & JOY

PREFACE
I was about to title this entry with NO in front of each word but stopped myself before attracting the opposite of what is desired. The Law of Attraction is restatement of positive thinking. Your mind does not hear the NO, NOT, NEVER. Always state things in the positive.

STORY
If you want NO pain, all your mind hears is PAIN. So you need to concentrate on PAINLESS or PAIN FREE. If you say "I don't want to leave" all your mind hears is "I want to leave" instead of saying "I want to stay and be happy." Negative thoughts are so much easier because we have been programmed by our environment, our parents, or spouses and friends...however well meaning they think they are. Being a positive thinker is hard work in some circumstances.

What we think is what will be. Thought is manifestation. I do believe that it all started with a thought...the BIG BANG...Creation...God. One thought...One idea. LOVE?

God lives within me, as me.

That which we think we are, we are. Everything that happens is of our own making. Our reality is of our own making.

CONCLUSION

Be deliberate in creating reality. Dream and then create.

HE STAYED OVERNIGHT

PREFACE
So now my sleep pattern is in VAMPIRE MODE. The fiasco of the term paper last weekend and the end of teaching for Summer Term One left me with staying up all night until dawn, then going to sleep until after noon. I slept one day for 12 hours to catch up for an all-nighter in there someplace. Will I ever get back on schedule??

STORY
Friday night...up all night...Saturday AM, sun coming up, AGAIN! and I'm not in bed nor have I been since I got up at 4PM Friday afternoon. I try to go to sleep. I listen to my meditation CD...all 45 minutes of it...still awake. I sent a text to my married lover WS to ask if he's going to come by to see me today. It's 7AM and I don't even know if he's awake or if his wife will intercept the message, or give him a hard time about it. Then I get a text back, he's in pain, can't hardly walk...don't think he'll be coming by. I sent him good thoughts and well wishes...back and forth...kiss, kiss...feel better.

I couldn't sleep so I got up and mowed the back yard. Or at least a third of it. It's so tall that I can't get through it all at once. Have to stop after 20 minutes and let the mower cool down so I can hose down the blades! It's going to take me DAYS to get it under control again.

There's a rabbit sitting by the 'wild patch' in the back corner. He doesn't move when I mow (within 8 feet of him). Now I notice there's another one about two feet from him, hunched down into the tall grass. They must have a brood in the brush and are standing vigil to protect them as best they can. How brave...and dedicated.

It's now noon and way too hot to mow again today until sunset, so I go to bed and finally to sleep. I set the alarm for 7:30PM (it gets dark at almost 9 now). It goes off and I get dressed and go out to mow again. I get another third mowed before it starts to rain. Back inside the cool AC and standing under the vent to get my body temperature back down to normal...the phone rings. It's WS and he's feeling better. He sent me text messages that I didn't answer. I told him I was mowing. 9:30...he is already in bed, but wants to see me...I want to see him...he'll be here in 45 minutes...perfect! time for me to cook dinner and shower (timed just right when he arrives!). He joins me in the shower and we have hot sex. It overworks his hip and he's in pain again.

Once I realize he has sciatica, I rub on some BioFreeze and we relax on the couch to watch the comedian shows and munch on dinner. His wife and kids are all gone away up north, so he says "I'll stay tonight"...(wow, all night...a first). WS is one of the few men that I can actually SLEEP in the same bed with, a rarity. Sex is easy, sleeping in the same bed is a difficult 'dance' to master.

CONCLUSION
It was new and different to have WS stay the night. I got about four hours sleep total. When BT is here, I get very little sleep. I spoon with both men, but I'm more comfortable with WS. What is that? I can't explain it. Maybe because BT is single, I only see him 1-2 times a year, and I don't want to miss a single minute?! Is it just me or do all women have trouble sleeping with their lovers? How is it that men can just fall asleep? Maybe if I climaxed every time I had sex, I could just fall asleep too. No...it would have to be more than just once. I am energized after the first one. Somewhere around the third or fourth one...yeah, then I could sleep! LOL

SATURDAY AFTERNOON DELIGHT

PREFACE
Still not done with my rough draft for my term paper. Running out of time...to be on time. What better way to celebrate than to take the afternoon off and have sex?

STORY
I sent a text message to my married lover on Saturday morning to ask if I was going to see him. He answered "yes & it wud be nice 2 catch u comng out of d shwr" and I said that depended on how he timed his arrival. To prepare for an afternoon of sex, I mowed the front lawn. Weird, you say? Not when you consider that it was a week past due and it rained every day. (June in south Florida!) If you didn't time it right, you could be caught in a downpour; mow at a daily temperature that competes with the surface temperature of the sun; or try to mow when the grass is too high or too wet, thus having to stop every 15 minutes to wash down the blades. Last weekend's mowing was delayed by my visit from BT. I had to catch up.

I timed it just right...finishing the front lawn while the clouds were gathering and cooled the temperature some...stepped into the shower, washed, shampooed, and shaved some stubble while the conditioner softened my hair. I thought I saw some movement in the living room (without glasses I can only see clearly about 3 inches in front of my eyes)...and into the bathroom he walks in all his naked glory. WS has a very sexy body...thin, but not skinny, and muscular...with a dark, Latino color, even where he is NOT tanned from working outside.

I invited him into the shower with me and we washed each other, kissed, and then got busy. I think the shower is one of THE most sensual places to have sex, and the fact that WS is just the height that we can do it standing up is the sexiest! Pure joy! We moved into the cool, dark bedroom and continued for some time, taking turns, bringing our pleasure to the peak then slowing down, changing position. Just as I was getting to the edge (which doesn't happen often in the natural scheme of things), I thought of introducing my 'finger vibrator' to the action to help me along. It actually intensified things for him too much...but he helped me along after and we both had mutually satisfying sex. We spooned and fell asleep for 20 minutes or so...a cat nap, then we dressed and hung out...talking, looking up stuff on the computer. I enjoy talking to him about spirituality, science, dreams, and goals...and everything. His phone rang and he had to go, promising to see me a few days (mmmm, goody!).

CONCLUSION
I have been meditating twice a day for a while now. One area I've needed improvement in is my love/sex life. The manifesting is paying off with a visit from BT (a love in my life) and now WS (the fairly regular sex in my life) and a very satisfying and joyfully tiring afternoon. Namaste!

SUMMER SCHOOL! YAY!

PREFACE
Hurray for me! I got a class to teach for Summer Term A. I'll be teaching Photoshop Level 1 for six weeks. The class is Tuesday and Thursday 6-9PM, perfect for me (!). It's on the main campus, Ft. Pierce, which is a 30 mile drive (less than it was for Davie-Boca Raton). This is just the beginning.

STORY
The head of the graphic design dept. is really thrilled to have me teaching with them. And it is such a joy for me to be back teaching. The college is about to become a four year institution and they will need lots of instructors that know what it's all about. I just wish I had my MFA and I may have come up with a way to get it. I only have two more semesters (if I take 8 credits each) and I could have my degree. The degree with Capella will take me two years to complete and won't give me the degree I really need to become permanent, but would let them at least hire me full time. It is a dilemma.

CONCLUSION
I will have to wait and see if I get a reliable car in the next month or so. If I do, then I can think about commuting to Boca for my MFA. Since I've worked out a lease with Gino & Lou to be able to stay until October 31st, I'm a little more grounded in making plans. Everything just keeps working out for me. I'm very grateful and I continue to meditate and manifest. Outrageous Mastery!!

HAPPY MAY DAY!

PREFACE
The first day of May and no pole to dance around. Maybe I'll enroll in a pole dancing class! Anything to shake up this funk I've been in. Not really IN but skirting around the edges of...threatening to be sucked in at any moment, maintaining my distance by shear will and dedication to improving my life, one day at a time.

STORY
It seems that everyone I know is on the brink of a change in their lives. My friends are losing their houses/homes left and right. Poor decisions in the past causing the filing for SECOND bankruptcies, landlords selling income properties out from under tenants, jobs being eliminated, and many of us going back to school (the refuse of a bad economy) to re-train or upgrade for a better chance in the future. The economy can be blamed for some of it, but there's more to it. The attitude of the general population is more to blame. I have refused to watch the broadcast news for many years now, for the very reason that it is depressing, stressful, not necessary for me to be informed of what's generally going on in the world.

I choose to move forward in improving my life. I meditate twice a day, after I awake in the morning and before I go to sleep at night. I am excited about several projects in the works and about what changes are coming in the next six weeks in my life. I have been working on manifesting a more stable living environment and a steady income. I have confidence that all things will work out in my favor. Many people in my position would be at their wits end or at least worried. Worry never changes the outcome of anything, so I refuse to worry.

As it stands right now; I'm not working, my car is on it's last legs, I have to move out of my home in the next six weeks, and I have approximately $60 in the bank. Sounds bleak, but I have about $4000 coming in the next week or so. I am launching a new website for a service I'll be offering to organize and liquidate estates. I will be advertising my tutoring services and I have a connection for occasional freelance jobs. Plus, if I'm offered summer classes to teach, it will give me the stability I need from which to launch an even bigger enterprise, which I've been dreaming and planning for 20 years. Everything keeps falling into place and my life gets better and better.

CONCLUSION
I would like to see what it's like when your life exceeds your dreams. I can't wait to come up with more dreams! I offer my help when I can and look for ways to be of service to others, to use my gifts and talents. That is the only way that life improves.