NOT REALLY INTO THEM

PREFACE
You meet for the first time, you know within five minutes that you are not into this person as a romantic interest. It might be possible that you could be friends but do you really want to invest the time in getting to know each other? Maybe, maybe not. You may even go so far as to give it the chance of a goodnight kiss. Still nothing. Do you tell them now? Before you part ways?

STORY
I hear different responses from different friends. (1) Tell the person right away that you are not interested in a second date. (2) Give it a chance by agreeing to a second date and see what happens. (3) Let them know as soon as communication exchanged between the two of you has given you enough indication that this relationship is not going anywhere. (4) Go out several times and give it enough time to grow to like/love the person. (5) Don't be so picky. Anyone can become a soul mate. (This last one I really DON'T understand!)

Are we so thin skinned that we cannot take rejection? Or so afraid of being insensitive or "the bad guy" that we can't be adult and honest? Is it better to be with someone who doesn't feel the same affection towards us, rather than be alone or to avoid hurting their feelings?

CONCLUSION
My answer...NO! DO NOT SETTLE!! Being alone is not the same as being lonely. Anyone can find things to fill "alone time" without having to be constantly entertained or affirmed. Go with your instincts and be honest. It is the only way to be true to yourself. And after all is said and done, you have to live with yourself! Happy Dating!!

eHARMONY SUCKS!!

PREFACE
This is my opinion so there is no reason for legal action. It is my experience that with all it's hype and extreme advertising budget, eHarmony sucks as a dating service. They will have you believe that because you go through an "extensive" psychological profile questionaire, that you will have much more success in finding "a true match" on their site. And when you have paid your money (one of the MOST expensive online dating site fees) and nothing happens, they tell you that it takes time to find the right match FOR YOU. Here is my experience with eHarmony. I hope it helps you or that you can identify and sympathize.

STORY
In a (fairly) quick check back into my closed matches from eHarmony, my preliminary start date with them seems to have been August 13th, 2003. That would have been the date I filled out the psychological questionaire to give them a good idea of who I am and who I'm looking for as a match. Since then, they have sent me 2100+ matches...NONE of which I have met! I have gotten to the open communication stage with a few and have spoken on the phone with approximately three (3). In six (6) years of on again, off again membership...not one face-to-face meeting. I have had full membership on several occasions and have taken advantage of the "free communication" weekends they have been offering during the past year. Nothing! Nada! Zilch!
MOST EXPENSIVE
They charge $59.95 for one month! The most expensive service online at the moment, if you don't count the personal service companies with dating counselors/coaches who work with you one-on-one. The cheapest they get is $19.95/mon. if you pay a year in advance. They will also run specials of 3 months @ $59.95 (which works out to approx. $20/mo. and is comparable to other online dating services and they have recently allowed the payments to be taken out monthly over the three month period, instead of all at once...nice, considering the economy).
LEAST SUCCESSFUL
Just as an example of the success rate, I spent 90 minutes today just clearing my NEW matches. Their system of reviewing your matches is way too time consuming. I have filters on who they are suppose to send me as matches, and they don't even pay attention to my preferences.

They pride themselves on a 'guided' system of communication to protect their members and make sure that both parties are 'right' for each other before they are 'allowed' to communicate directly. This system was modified a couple of years ago to include the option to "Fast Track" the communications between matches, IF both were paying members and both agreed to immediate contact. You cannot see a non-paying member's photos, nor contact a non-paying member other than 'Icebreakers' which consist of a short list of common contact phrases which can be shared for free...ONCE...between two members. So if you are paying your $60, you can't contact someone who isn't paying. And you have to be very vigilant during the 'free contact' weekends to get through the long arduous process of sending questions back and forth to get to the 'open communication' step. (That is if you haven't figured out how to put contact information into the open-ended response section...Hopefully, nobody at eHarmony will read this and close THAT loophole.)

Has anyone noticed that the couples they show in the commercials for eHarmony have wedding dates that are several years ago? Are they still together? Anybody gotten married as a result of meeting through eHarmony in the last two years?? It's all very suspicious.

CONCLUSION
I have had my profile on eHarmony for over six (6) years and haven't met one man face-to-face. I have met many men from other online dating sites...some that charge, some that are free. The MOST the others charge is $24.95...even for the MILLIONAIRE dating sites! My guess is that the membership fees are so expensive to pay for the huge advertising budget.

I would really like to hear from any online daters out there who have met anyone through eHarmony!! Please, send me your story! Anyone? even if it didn't progress past a face-to-face meeting or a second date...anyone?!

DATING CYCLE

PREFACE
Over the last 6 1/2 years that I've been online dating, I've observed a dating cycle. I'm on several dating sites and most of the year I get 2-4 nibbles (emails) a day. There are certain times of year that there is no activity. I haven't figured out why this happens but it has happened recently over the past 3 weeks. No new contacts, no new emails until about two days ago.

STORY
I check my online dating sites at least every two days for new emails. I also receive notification emails telling me I have mail. The past several weeks, there's been very little activity. When this happens, I go into my accounts and stir things up a bit. Maybe post a few new pictures or rewrite my essay. I might view those men who have viewed my profile, causing me to show up as having viewed them. Or I'll add ones I'm interested in to my favorites (black book..or whatever the site calls it). This lets them know that I'm more interested than just a look. I feel that if they can't get the idea from that, then they're probably not smart enough to keep up with me anyway. Sometimes I'll send a wink or a 'free' icebreaker to show interest. Then it's up to them to send me an email.

Every once in a while I take a special offer from eHarmony if they offer 3 months for the price of one month. They are a VERY expensive service that doesn't produce any results. Even their commercials show couples that were married years ago and no one says whether they are STILL married today. My favorite services are Plentyoffish and Bookofmatches, both of which are FREE and through which I have met several men. They include forums to express opinions for like-minded matches and Plentyoffish has taken the 'community' feel a step further by it's members organizing events locally to get members out in social situations but with the comfort of being in a group. I have attended many of these events and I've had a great time. They do this without charging a fee for membership. I don't think you should have to pay for a matchmaking service.

CONCLUSION
Thursday and Friday I got about six new emails each day, so it looks like the dry spell has ended. Though I wasn't interested in any of the men who tried to contact me, at least it was something. I would say that I respond to one out of 10 emails, other than to just thank them for their interest and wish them luck. Being on more than one dating site is viewed by some men as being a player, but I think that is only if you stay on them after you have found a serious relationship. If a man is put off by you playing the field and giving yourself as many options and opportunities to find happiness, then he has a narrow view of what dating has become in the 21st century. Pass on him, and move on to the wonders of dating and finding THE right man for you.

FIVE STAGES OF CONTACT

ONLINE DATING SITE CONTACTS

It takes a lot of courage to write an email to someone to whom you are attracted. Lots of dating sites allow for "winks," "icebreakers," "flirts," and other synonyms for (mostly free) first contact. (True.com is notorious for sending unsolicited winks to it's members to generate interest between matches. Just be polite and honest with a contact if you didn't send the wink.) Here's some hints on what it all means, so you don't get the wrong idea of intentions. These terms all have to do with the site and it's vocabulary.

1. Someone looks/views your profile - means JUST that. They looked at you. It doesn't mean they are interested in you. Unless they look at your profile a lot, many times a week, or everyday (this might be a very shy person or a stalker...too soon to tell).
   
2. Someone sent you a wink - means look at me, read my profile and see if you like me. They were looking through the matches sent to them by the dating site or collected in a search, and thought you looked nice or you might have something in common with each other. If you like what you see, wink back or email them that you like what you see/read.
   
3. Someone added you to their favorites or black book - means they are interested in you. They were looking through their matches and did not want to forget you but were not quite ready to send a wink or email. If they don't initiate contact within a week or so and you are interested, then you initiate contact with an email. It makes a stronger statement than just a wink. Put some thought into it and ask some questions to get the conversation going.
   
4. Someone sends you an email with less than a paragraph. These emails consist of: "Your really hot!" "I want to get to know you." "You so sexy. Email me if your interested." "Heres my phone number/email/IM ID. Plese contact me." and so on.... (If the obvious lack of spelling/grammar or self expression doesn't turn you off immediately, then pursue it.) These are so uninteresting that you can ignore them without any response. If they are not going to even ask you a question or tell you something, they didn't put much thought into the contact. More than likely they are just looking for a brief encounter. Don't feel guilty about being rude, they certainly were.
5. Someone sends you an email with some thought to the content but they don't want to waste a lot of time on emailing back and forth. They want to talk on the phone right away. These people more than not are not very good at typing and/or expressing themselves in writing. They also don't want to invest any time in building a relationship. Put in the time! Find someone with like goals who does not mind getting to know you through each step of the way. Otherwise, you will have a lot of first meetings, few real dates, and lots of one-night-stands. But if that's what you're looking for, go for it. Just be honest with yourself and your date.
   

You have to find your own comfort zone as to when you will talk on the phone, give out other contact information, and schedule your first meeting (remember short and sweet, less than 30 mins.). Don't let rejection go to your heart. There are so many eligible partners out there, and also many friends to be made. Stay open emotionally and don't get discouraged.