SPRING HAS SPRUNG!

PREFACE
With spring comes renewal. Grass becomes green again, budding leaves and flowers everywhere, and change is in the air. My life is going through a big change and I don't have a clue how it will all turn out!

STORY
My landlord's house was sold at foreclosure auction on January 22nd. I have been getting letters all about it as the "unknown tenant" but with my name right next to that. So "unknown" but named...lol. Fannie Mae bought the house at auction, and is the agency that guaranteed the original "underwater" mortgage. Funny how things work.

It has been very traumatic to have to move again, and in with family again after 5 years of being on my own in a beautiful town and neighborhood. In central Florida, 2 hours from anywhere I would want to go (but didn't, except to visit family...where I'm moving back to!). I'm under a monumental amount of stress right now, and I broke down into uncontrollable crying today, just to slow me down some more.

I am asking myself what decisions did I make to get me here? Was I using good judgement when I signed up for a graduate level class in November and then continued to pursue that decision until I became $1000 in debt to family friend and 3 weeks away from the end of semester, still not knowing if I can pass this course or not. And when I do pass the class, it won't count for anything if I'm not accepted into the MFA program to complete my degree (of which I have 40/60 credits). It's all hanging in limbo, just like me.

Moving back in with my family entails the loss of freedom. No more walking around naked in the morning or sleeping that way at night. No friends allowed over. My cat isn't allowed anywhere there is carpet, so just my room and the enclosed porch. None of my furniture (my bed!) is allowed in except maybe my computer desk. And if I don't pass my class, I'll have to leave...move again!

I am grateful that I have somewhere to go, even if for only a month or two.

CONCLUSION
I must re-examine what I am manifesting if this is where I am right now. I don't want to be at this point, with these decisions and pressure, moving back to where I gladly left 5 years ago. I don't want to be "let go" from another college teaching job after 3 years because I don't have my MFA! I just wish I knew what to do, what to decide. I will meditate (which I have been doing more and more lately) and ask again, and again, and again, until I get a clear answer. My life seems to be nothing but change and renewal. Happy Spring!

FOLLOWING YOUR INSTINCTS

Several years ago, I was a graduate student studying in two Master's programs at the same time, teaching a Saturday desktop publishing course, and working in the graphics design lab as a monitor/tech support. I loved the academic atmosphere and helping/teaching the undergrads. One day during lab hours, I had a heated discussion with one student about human natural instincts. He was of the opinion that humans have had all their natural instincts erased or evolved out of existence because of modern civilization and technology. I argued that we still have our instincts, they're just buried deep down because we don't need to use them and it's the lazy way to just not try to use them. The debate went on for several hours while he worked on his digital project and I went about my duties, helping him and other students with software and hardware problems. Other students in the computer lab joined in the conversation, expressing their opinions also. The conclusion was: we agreed to disagree. The original student would not budge on his opinion that modern homo sapiens don't have any natural instincts.

I have seen and experienced the end results of instinct and believe down to my bone marrow, that we DO have instincts but that we have just been taught not to follow them, not to trust them. It's when we second guess our instincts that things go wrong. Some people call it "gut feeling", some call it psychic ability, others have "keen sense of judgment", and still others seem to have "all the luck" in anything they do. It all comes down to following or listening to your inner voice.

Last night I was headed to a dance party event sponsored by a dating service I belong to and things just didn't work out as I had planned. By the time I was ready to go I was already an hour behind schedule and didn't make it to the event until it was almost over. Instead of stressing over my lateness, I decided that the driving and getting out was what I had desired most and that I was starving and wanted to get something to eat, a libation, and listen to some good rock'n'roll music. I was tooling down US1 just south of Boca Raton (FL, where the dance was) and started looking for a club or bar with food and music. It was 10:30PM on a Friday night, how hard would it be to find what I was looking for?? Harder than you think when you don't know the area well. Good clubs can be quite camouflaged...tucked away in strip malls, or by seedy-looking exteriors. Finally, I passed a place that I heard the music from across the street, going in the opposite direction. I hung a U-ey and turned into the parking lot to John L. Sullivan's Irish Pub and Restaurant (which I found out later is in Lighthouse Point, FL, just north of Sample Rd.). My instincts had led me to some fine LIVE rock'n'roll music, good Irish cuisine (had the Sheppard's Pie, excellent!) and a friendly, casual atmosphere. I enjoyed my food and the Glen Livet, and the music (if the music is too loud, you're too old!!). Instincts are valid and should be trusted more. Try it!