A LITTLE SUMP'M SUMP'M

Well I went to the dance Saturday night at the Pavillion and I met T there. He looks like his pictures (thank you). He had called me every day, sometimes more, since we first talked on the phone, after IM'g and emails. We talked for quite a while but didn't dance, because I picked the WRONG shoes to pack and already had a blister on each heel from walking around the dance floor twice looking for him. I was in agony. Sitting was good.

I thought he was leaning in to give me a kiss but he rubbed noses instead. He said he started with that to see how good I could give 'nose'. Cute. He held my hand and put his arm around my waist. We talked and laughed and he wanted to know if I was going to invite him back to my hotel room. If so, he'd have another drink, but if not, the hour and a half drive home would not be safe if he did. We were getting along very well so I said 'yes, we could go back to my hotel.' and 'yes, to another drink'. We spent about 3 hours at the dance. We went back to the room and I was starving, so I ordered a pizza (which he was impressed with, since he comes from NJ and wasn't expecting it to be good). The sex was ok. It was intimate, but not fulfilling for me. It was nice to have someone with which to share the luxury of the hotel room. My plan was to not have sex with him for at least 5 dates, but I needed the human contact and I figured this wouldn't be long term. Get what enjoyment you can.

It's early Thursday morning and T hasn't called me since Sunday morning when he left to drive home to Vero Beach. I would have thought he'd call me when he got home, or that night to see if I got home, or maybe Monday while he was working to say what a good time he had. But nothing, not even an email. I didn't really expect it either. Car salesmen = one night stand (nothing more).

MINI VACATION

Does it get any better than this? I have a hotel room in Boca Raton with a balcony overlooking the inlet, two double beds, wifi internet, free valet parking, pool and hot tub. There's a cafe' in the lobby and a restaurant on the top floor with dinner and dancing. They're bringing my breakfast at 9:45AM ($11). The room cost me $30/night!! for two nights. I'm down in the Ft. Lauderdale area doing errands and for two dances, one in WPB (Friday night) and one in Boca (Saturday night). And I stopped by my sister's to wish her a happy birthday.

I will get up and eat breakfast on the balcony in the cool morning breeze. Take a stroll along the dock and then take a dip in the pool. There's a couple of small boats that I bet take you out on the water for a tour of some kind. I could have a swedish massage before luncheon in the cafe'. Go shopping and get something stunning to wear at the dance tonight at the Pavillon. Meet T there (new online dating contact) and suggest that we come back here to have dinner and dancing, more intimate and easier to talk. Or not. It would make it easier for me to be cajoled into letting him into my hotel room and seducing me into having sex. He's a CAR SALESMAN! To be any good at it you have to have charm, powers of persuasion, and be a good liar (say anything to close the deal!). I am hoping he doesn't confirm my worst suspicions. I kinda like him. Should I make him promise that we have to have X amount of dates before we have sex? 20 was the number in The 40 Year Old Virgin. I'm not a virgin. I've been married twice and raised a son and a stepdaughter. Haven't had mutually satisfying sex in almost two years, haven't had a stiff cock in five weeks...(I have a problem with insisting on my orgasm okay?...I know...I'm workin' on it!). I do not want to have sex on the first date, even if I want to have sex. (It's not fair that I have to deny my urges because men can't respect a woman who has urges just like they do.)

Meanwhile, I have all this luxury and no one with which to share it.

THE GRIP

I pretty much missed all day Monday. I was sick from Sunday night until Tuesday Afternoon. I had what I can only describe as THE GRIP. It's an ailment where you are gripped in pain, (like in the the closed hand of a giant). I haven't had any contact with any humans (other than the groc store once) since Friday, when I went to dinner alone. So I didn't catch anything. It started on Sunday night with intestinal distress (major gas pains and bloating) then progressed yesterday with joint pain, then fever and chills and all over aches and skin tenderness. I WAS A MESS! I'm much better now. I call it The Grip because that is what my parents called it when I was younger. I have only had it two or three times in my life and it usually only lasts 24 hours. Some may call it the 24 hour flu, but in my family it was THE GRIP. (I really HATE being sick! but sometimes your body just does it to slow you down some.)

And having told you all that, I actually made two relationship contacts over the last two days, amazing as that might seem. An old flame (B) contacted me and the flicker started a bonfire in my loins, as usual. I hear from him about twice a year now, only slightly less than when we were first involved. Long-distance relationships are doomed if they are started as long distance. I think there might be more hope for an established relationship going long distance, but I have no experience in that area. Anyone like to share their stories? I would be very interested to know how your long distance love affairs are going (have gone). Anyway, after the initial erotic shockwave wore off, I sent him an email back that might stop him from replying. It hurts my heart and soul to think that there is a chance for us, a chance for more, a chance that he means it when he says he loves me...but I have been disappointed twice. I do not know if I could take another hit emotionally from him. It is brutal when you love someone and all they feel is the heat.

The second contact (T) was on Monday and is new. He invited me out on our first meeting for Tuesday in an email with his phone number included. Usually I wait until I have enough guts to call a man (takes a while for me because I am shy). But in this case I knew I was under the weather and probably would not feel well enough to meet the next day. So I called him and we had a very pleasant chat. And then he called me Tuesday twice, and we had some more good conversation. I will reserve judgment for a while because he is a car salesman. I swore off car salesmen last November. I have never met one that can be trusted. They lie for a living. He lies for a living. But I will be friends with him, and we will take it from there.

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

What does this mean? Does it happen when you go out with a guy and realize that he's never going to be husband material? or he likes you but doesn't think you're girlfriend material?...so your relationship falls into the friend category. Or did you start out as friends? Maybe you were seeing a friend of this friend and met that way. However you met, you're now just friends. Then you have sex, and it was good, not great, but good. Now what? Friends With Benefits?

I can only relate my stories. And from my experience, there is no such thing as "friends with benefits." It's a phrase used by men to get sex. Period. They don't want the obligation of friendship to get in the way of getting sex. They just want all benefits. This is the main reason NOT to have sex with a man on the first date. Or NOT to start a relationship with a booty call. UNLESS...you are honest at the start of the relationship and tell the man that all you want is sex. Make sure you get your orgasm first, EVERY TIME! Use condoms! Experiment all you want, be adventurous...have sex and send him home. Don't expect anything else. If he doesn't call you to say how wonderful it was, or that he misses you, or if the next time you talk, he doesn't care what's happened in between...this relationship is just sex.

I'm an intelligent, mature woman, who was widowed at 46 after a 20 year marriage to my soul mate. We had an amazing sex life and we were best friends. THAT is friends with benefits!

RESISTING SLEEP

I am a night owl. I am happiest sleeping until noon. Eating dinner at 9 PM or later. Writing, painting, manipulating images on the computer, all best done at 2AM, at least by me. How would you like it if every day was Saturday? Oh...yeah...you do have to shop and go for services during regular hours since the world runs on 9-5. Wait...most things can be bought over the internet, so maybe you CAN live outside the norm.

The next obstacle? Finding someone to hang with that is also a night owl. Early birds and night owls don't make a great pair. Everyone is programmed to believe that you have to conform or you are some kind of slacker, lazy and undisciplined. You just go to bed at 10PM and get up at 5:30AM and go do your job on 7 1/2 hours sleep. What if your personal internal clock is set to wind down around 2AM and you would naturally wake up at 11AM if there wasn't an alarm clock to force you awake? I NEED 9 hours sleep. Not want, NEED. Most people NEED 8 hours. they don't get it. I don't get 9 most of the time, but less than 7 for more than a couple of nights and I get clumsy. I start hurting myself, bumps, bruises, cuts...not a pretty sight. Left to my natural rhythm, I sleep 9 hours and wake naturally, instead of being jerked out of sleep by an annoying sound. Oh I know you can get an alarm that wakes you with increasing light, or gentle sounds that increase in loudness. But those don't work on me.

My life is just about perfect right now. I sleep when I want, go to bed when I want. I have no pressure on me at the moment and I'm enjoying it immensely. Life is good.

FOLLOWING YOUR INSTINCTS

Several years ago, I was a graduate student studying in two Master's programs at the same time, teaching a Saturday desktop publishing course, and working in the graphics design lab as a monitor/tech support. I loved the academic atmosphere and helping/teaching the undergrads. One day during lab hours, I had a heated discussion with one student about human natural instincts. He was of the opinion that humans have had all their natural instincts erased or evolved out of existence because of modern civilization and technology. I argued that we still have our instincts, they're just buried deep down because we don't need to use them and it's the lazy way to just not try to use them. The debate went on for several hours while he worked on his digital project and I went about my duties, helping him and other students with software and hardware problems. Other students in the computer lab joined in the conversation, expressing their opinions also. The conclusion was: we agreed to disagree. The original student would not budge on his opinion that modern homo sapiens don't have any natural instincts.

I have seen and experienced the end results of instinct and believe down to my bone marrow, that we DO have instincts but that we have just been taught not to follow them, not to trust them. It's when we second guess our instincts that things go wrong. Some people call it "gut feeling", some call it psychic ability, others have "keen sense of judgment", and still others seem to have "all the luck" in anything they do. It all comes down to following or listening to your inner voice.

Last night I was headed to a dance party event sponsored by a dating service I belong to and things just didn't work out as I had planned. By the time I was ready to go I was already an hour behind schedule and didn't make it to the event until it was almost over. Instead of stressing over my lateness, I decided that the driving and getting out was what I had desired most and that I was starving and wanted to get something to eat, a libation, and listen to some good rock'n'roll music. I was tooling down US1 just south of Boca Raton (FL, where the dance was) and started looking for a club or bar with food and music. It was 10:30PM on a Friday night, how hard would it be to find what I was looking for?? Harder than you think when you don't know the area well. Good clubs can be quite camouflaged...tucked away in strip malls, or by seedy-looking exteriors. Finally, I passed a place that I heard the music from across the street, going in the opposite direction. I hung a U-ey and turned into the parking lot to John L. Sullivan's Irish Pub and Restaurant (which I found out later is in Lighthouse Point, FL, just north of Sample Rd.). My instincts had led me to some fine LIVE rock'n'roll music, good Irish cuisine (had the Sheppard's Pie, excellent!) and a friendly, casual atmosphere. I enjoyed my food and the Glen Livet, and the music (if the music is too loud, you're too old!!). Instincts are valid and should be trusted more. Try it!

THE FIRST 10 STEPS TO ONLINE DATING

For all those who are newly single, novice computer users, or those not getting any results from present online efforts.

1. MOTIVE: Decide if you are serious about finding a mate or just dating for specific events or just intimate encounters.
2. PREPARE (PART ONE): Make a list of what you are looking for in a date/mate. Use this list to compose a short description to have ready to copy and paste into your profile. It should be a paragraph or two, no more. Spell check please!
3. PREPARE (PART TWO): Make a list of what makes you unique and what you offer a date/mate. If you cannot create at least a paragraph about yourself, ask family or friends to describe you and what you have to offer. This is a sales pitch, so make it short and to the point. Spell check please!
4. DATING SITE: Choose a dating site online. This can be done by using a search engine and typing in "dating online" or "free dating online" to offer you options of not having to pay for your membership. There are sites for all kinds of dating, from religious-based to interracial to alternate lifestyles to just hooking up for a one-night-stand. DO NOT SIGN UP YET! Bookmark the site(s) and come back when you are prepared.
   
5. VISUAL BAIT: Once you have chosen your site (or sites <- more on this later), get a good digital CURRENT picture of you, SMILING. This should be a head shot - your head, face, and shoulders should fill most of the picture frame, even if you have to crop the picture. (Cropping the picture means choosing just you and getting rid of all the other image information/background.) NO sunglasses! NO hats! NO disguises! They want to see your face, close up, with a pleasant look or smile to show how friendly you are! You should not look like you are in the witness protection program or on the 10 most wanted list. SMILE!
6. SIGN UP: Once you have gathered your descriptions and picture(s) to upload and credit card to join, if necessary. Type your descriptions (which you should have done already so you can copy and paste) and make sure your pictures are accessible on your computer (or on a CD). If your grammar and punctuation is weak, have someone better at it proofread your descriptions before you upload, and SPELLCHECK! Give yourself and hour or two to sign up and you can always edit later.
   
7. FOLLOW UP!: Log in regularly. Once a day for the first week and then every other day, or at least once a week (preferably Sunday or Monday so you could possibly have a date the next weekend!). Matches are usually sent to your email daily or however frequently you set up in your preferences. Review profiles you have been matched with and answer any emails you have received, even if not interested. It's common courtesy. (Winks and expressions of interest need not be acknowledged unless you are interested.) It's like applying for a job! You do not want to do this all on Friday.
8. RESPOND/INITIATE: If there is a contact you are interested in, respond/initiate with a short note that you are interested in getting to know them better. Ask a question, give a little more information, or say what interested you about them. This will spark a reply, maybe. Do not be disappointed or feel rejected if there is no response. Keep trying until you make a connection with one of your matches.
   
9. CONNECTION: You have made a connection; exchanged emails, instant messaged each other, and spoke on the phone. These are essential steps to knowing for sure that you want to meet each other. The first meeting should be short (plan for 30 mins to an hour) and no pressure. In most cases, one or both of you will decide in the first 10 minutes if there's a chance there is chemistry. You are adults and can decide how to proceed but if you are looking for a long term relationship, you should part wanting more. Make a real date for the soonest weekend and make it clear who is going to call whom first and when.
10. FIRST DATE (OF MANY?): If the first date has been made around an event (party, work-related, family/friend birthday) then you should have talked to each other several times before the event to make sure everything is understood. If it's just a first date, then plan something that both will enjoy or surprise yourselves with something neither of you has done before. Discovering new things together can be a great bonding experience. Do not expect sex on the first date, unless you both have discussed it and that's all you want out of the date. Be honest and communicate!

This is just the beginning, or it could be the end, for you as a couple. Brief encounters can be fun as long as neither of you expects anything long term. In my opinion, they are the dessert, not the main course or soul (pun intended) diet. Think of what shape you would be in only eating dessert. Some of you will become friends, some will remain strangers, but with 6 billion people in the world, what are the chances you will find the perfect soul mate if you don't keep trying?

I will be expanding on these points in the future. And I welcome any comments or experiences that you've had that might help me or my other readers. Thanks and happy dating!

CATCHING UP IS HARD TO DO

It's the fourth day already of the 31 Days to Build a Better Blog Challenge and I'm two days behind already. First day was to create an elevator pitch for my blog. Well I did that. It's up there at the top of the page. This blog is about everything...and nothing...depending on what day you read it. I figure if "NOTHING" content was good enough to have SEINFELD run for 9 years, it's good enough for me. But I do cover everything eventually.

I also have to explain that I have two other blogs that are very honest and very explicit in expressing the events in my life and my feelings. So when this challenge required me to concentrate on one blog, I picked the tamest one to expand upon. Sorry if this makes my starting point somewhat dull, but as I learn, I will spice it up some and drop some censorship. My other blogs are more like a "no holds barred" diary and could cause problems in my relationships with my friends and family.

There will also be a lot of personal information and experiences in online and real life dating and relationships. Helpful hints that I've learned and resources both in print and online.

Let the adventure begin!

NOT WRITING IN YOUR BLOG - PART TWO

It's even better when you don't write in it but once every two years! I'm trying to improve on that by taking an online "course" for improving my skills at blogging. I'm already on day three of 31 Days to Build a Better Blog challenge! Stay tuned for new and improved.

Why would anyone want to read what I have to say? Maybe they have the same thoughts but don't express them. Maybe I can suggest something to help a situation or decision. Maybe they have no life and will live vicariously through my blog. Who knows? I have to write. After all I have been through, I need someplace to vent, to ponder, and to fantasize (I will warn you when I'm writing fiction). This all came on when I lost my husband and best friend of 20 years. I no longer had a sympathetic ear, a counselor, or a partner "in crime" so to speak. He was my rock and without him, I am adrift. So I started to write in an old sketchbook as my journal. Then I started a blog, several blogs, not caring if anyone read them but me.

It is different now.