Monday, April 26, 2010


Forgive me, readers, for I have has been two months since my last confession...hahaha. March 4th, I started teaching as an adjunct at the local college and the last class is Thursday. I started selling on Ebay to supplement having my unemployment benefits run out in Feb. I started back at Capella two weeks ago, to repeat my first class that I failed to makeup in the winter term. I started thinking that my dream of operating an Artist's Bed & Breakfast Retreat could finally happen and even found a perfect beachfront house. I stopped my regular trips to Ft. Lauderdale (280 miles roundtrip). I stopped hoping to have regular sex with BB.

I have had little time to gather my thoughts and get back to any kind of a routine. The teaching job came along after three different applications for jobs at the college; but this one was for something that I had proven experience in and they had a great need. When they called me in initially, I would be starting in June (summer term) because it was so close to the spring semester that I wouldn't have time to prepare. But as it turned out, SURPRISE! I wasn't prepared for the shorter term, the longer class time, nor the general expectations of the course. I had taught it before, but not under these conditions. All in all, I think I did a great job! I am sad to see the semester come to an end, but I'm very encouraged that this will lead to more classes.

The part time teaching job came just in time as my year-long collecting of UE benefits came to an end in mid-February. I applied for food stamps immediately and was approved starting mid-March. As it turned out, I didn't get them until mid-April due to them assuming that I still had my EBT card from FOUR years ago (when I collected for exactly ONE month! and have moved three times since!). Glad I had my tax refund to tide me over or I would have starved for sure. Now they are holding up April's benefit for some unknown reason that will take me days and days to find out. For as much as people complain about public assistance going to those who abuse it...there is so much they don't know about how much you have to go through for a lousy $50/week allotment for food only (no paper products, no toiletries, no prepared ready-to-eat foods, no vitamins or supplements, and many other restrictions). I am very grateful for it.

I started selling again on Ebay. I was shut down in 2008 due to the economy tanking and sales being $0 for three months. My sales couldn't pay my fees, so they shut me down. I have been selling my belongings...anything that will bring in $5 or $10, jewelry, crystal, china, collectibles...all those things you accumulate over the years, things you (think you) cherish until it comes down to being hungry and homeless. These are the times we live in. I have a Bachelor's degree in Graphic Design, four years of college teaching experience, seven years of clerical/administrative experience, and I can't get a job (but I can sell some stuff on Ebay!).

I started again to complete the first course in my Master's online. I have 12 transfer credits from the 68 Master level credits I have earned pursuing two Master's degrees simultaneously last decade (1998-2004). This begins the third week and I'm on target.

I have met a wonderful woman through BB who is experienced in writing grants and setting up non-profit organizations. She has given me lots of information and procedural steps to think about and start the process rolling on my Artist's Retreat. It would benefit the artists who come to learn and create, it would help the local community with attention on culture and increased tourist trade, it would benefit me to be able to teach, it would benefit the economy through airfares, field trips to local sites...there would be many benefits. So much to do!

My 18 yo car is now on borrowed time. My mechanic says, "shoot it and put it out of it's misery." It has been good to me for 18 months and 13,000 miles and for a $700 car, that is phenomenal. So to make sure that it will take me to work and back, I had to stop my long distance trips to Ft. Lauderdale to see my sister and my son (although, my son lived with me for two months in the time that I haven't posted!).

And finally, I came out and asked BB if he wanted to move to the next level in our friendship...that level being Friends With Benefits. He said he wasn't ready for that, he wasn't in a good place to complicate his life with another lover (he already has two, one I didn't know about before I asked). I said that was fine. Our friendship is more important to me than my sexual attraction to him. I've been in this situation before, but at least this time I'm not living in the same house. BB gets me. He thinks the same way as I do, we finish each others' thoughts. We enjoy each others company. If our relationship is meant to be more, it will be, and if not, I'm fine with it the way it is.

Starts and stops...beginnings and endings...and sometimes not enough time in the middle to document everything. We start things that we never finish. We start things that go on forever and have no real ending. We finish things with a great feeling of accomplishment. We end things feeling that we failed. Starts and stops. We are born and we die. What happens in between?

Make the most of it!

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