Tuesday, August 24, 2010


I have been going barefoot all my life. Any time, anywhere I could get away with it. I even drive barefoot most of the time. There is now a shoe that was designed for barefooters like me!

Vibram Five Fingers Shoes which are shoes made with five toes like a glove is made for five fingers and they are finally coming into the mainstream. I've seen recent advertising and product placement in a current show (Rizzoli and Isles) on TV. I first saw these amazing shoes from following a link on Tim Ferriss's blog. I love these shoes and as soon as I can afford a pair, I'm ordering them! I am barefoot as much as I can possibly get away with. One of the most disappointing times in my life was when I was a kid and the local grocery store put up the first sign that read "Shoes Are Required, No Bare Feet." It was only to cover liability if someone got injured walking barefoot in their store but I have always been willing to take responsibility for my own decisions. If I stepped on broken glass, it's my fault. This country is too sue-happy and not willing to take responsibility.

We are not meant to stuff our feet into shoes that restrict the natural movement of our toes. Most back problems can be attributed to the wrong kind of footwear. Shoes cause most feet malformations and ailments. Barefoot is more healthy and these shoes allow your feet to be natural and protected. Be kind to your feet, what else are you going to walk on?

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


How many blogs is too many? What if I don't have anything to say? How about if I don't want to say it six times? or even three times? The proliferation of blogging has made it impossible to keep up with postings!

Yahoo and most social networks offer blogs now. Yahoo recently incorporated "live comments" into their email environment and I don't want to post what I'm doing! I'm checking my email!

I started with LJ, then set up a fairly regular blog on blogger.com (then two more separate ones, totaling three on blogger!). Then I joined Tagged.com (social but overtly adult) which has a place on your profile for 'journal' entries, besides a 'daily comment' box right by your ID. I'm also on Facebook, Twitter, and SEVERAL dating sites (all of which have forums and some have blogs on the profiles too). AARP has blogging on your profile (imagine grandma blogging?! well I do!). I'm on LinkedIn and Joined, which are business oriented networking sites, which you can link to your website, social networks, and Twitter accounts!

How much is too much information? Plus the older generation (and the younger one in fact) aren't really aware of who might be "Googling" their name and coming up with all the links to ALL their information. All the snarky remarks that you've vented about your boss on Twitter or Facebook or YOUR BLOG! Venting on the internet with ALL THE WORLD to see!? Not the best idea without some advanced thought about the consequences.

There have already been incidents of people getting fired over information posted on public blogs. I'm sure there have been law suits too (but since I cut myself off from daily assault by the news media, I'm not familiar with any). I post when I can, when I have something to say or something I want to remember. I have never cared if anyone reads what I post, but I have put some thought into who might read it. I don't post what I wouldn't want to see on the "front page of a newspaper" so to speak (since they are a dying media, not that I think print is dead or will ever be). What if all the wireless connectivity were to cease for some reason? Then what? We'd have to find a pen and paper again...

Friday, July 30, 2010


Finally got paid! Ordered the power supply for Ye Ole Mac (bought c. 1999), all my supplements that I was out of, required book for online grad course, replacement batteries for PowerBook (Mac G4), and paid ALL my bills. YAY!

When the power supply burned out (with a loud POP!) last month, I was forced to buy a laptop to re-write my term paper just in time for the end of last semester. Luckily, I know a guy. A guy that turns out to be one of the GOOD guys! He sold me a G4 laptop (about 4 years old which in Mac years is brand new!) for $400. A bargain (but not an expense which I was prepared for) and I was thrilled to have it.

I lost all my work on my term paper but my professor allowed for the situation and gave me three days past deadline to turn it in, which I did. I passed the class but didn't earn a high enough grade to avoid having to appeal an "academic progress" hold on my financial aid. I won my appeal. I'm at the beginning of my fourth week of this semester.

Working as an adjunct professor, I only get paid at the end of the semester which means I work for 6-8 weeks with NO PAY. It requires some fancy financial juggling for someone who has been unemployed for over a year...to say the least. The unexpected need for a laptop put me behind the proverbial eightball financially. I ran out of almost half of my supplements for the last week and was about to buy groceries for my neighbor on my food stamp card in exchange for cash to buy gas to get to work, when my retro pay from unemployment came through. Then my paycheck was deposited, and I'm flush again.

I am so grateful that I have found peace with it all. I meditate and leave the worrying to God (or whatever higher power of your choice). Worry doesn't change anything. If you worry every minute of every waking day, it doesn't change the outcome of what you are worrying about. If you didn't worry at all, the same thing is going to happen. So why worry? It's a diamond-hard habit to break, but it is possible. You just let go.

My life is wonderful. It is going in the direction I want it to go. Things ARE working out the best for me. I deserve to be happy, to be healthy, to have abundance and to prosper, and that is what is happening. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. Peace & Joy!

Thursday, July 22, 2010


Today I saw three movies in a row at the local theater. It's called "theater-hopping" when you pay for one ticket to see one movie but go into other movies without paying to see them. And while it may even be considered illegal, it's not enforced very often by the theater managers or staff. The reason is that theaters don't make very much money on ticket sales.

The first week or two the movie is shown, most or all of the money from ticket sales goes to the distributor of the film. One movie (with all its reels) can cost $10,000 for the theater to show and until that money is made, the theater doesn't make any profit. Think about the modern day multiplex theaters with 12-15-18-24 screens, showing multi-copies of several films and you can imagine the money invested. Some theaters are now showing older films at morning matinees for $1 admission...nostalgia movies at a nostalgia price. It still sells popcorn, candy, and soda!

Concession is where the money is made, (with a little $ from vending & game machines but not as much as in the past). I had a "combo special" between the first and second movies which consisted of two jumbo all-beef hotdogs and a VAT of ICEE (frozen slushy coke with free refills) and it cost me $14! I got in on a reduced weekday ticket rate of $4.75 and saw three movies. So I still saved about $8 on the deal.

Why do you think theater managers are so eager to give you passes when you don't like a movie? Unless you've never complained about a movie or wanted your money back for a disturbance in a movie...I guess you may not know that they want you to come back again and spend at the concession stand.

I saw Sorcerer's Apprentice, Despicable Me, and Inception...6 1/2 hours in a dark theater...thrills, humor, action, laughter, tears, confusion, intrigue, awesome effects. Well worth the investment of money and time. It gives me joy to watch movies. And I'm worth it!

Sunday, June 27, 2010


So now my sleep pattern is in VAMPIRE MODE. The fiasco of the term paper last weekend and the end of teaching for Summer Term One left me with staying up all night until dawn, then going to sleep until after noon. I slept one day for 12 hours to catch up for an all-nighter in there someplace. Will I ever get back on schedule??

Friday night...up all night...Saturday AM, sun coming up, AGAIN! and I'm not in bed nor have I been since I got up at 4PM Friday afternoon. I try to go to sleep. I listen to my meditation CD...all 45 minutes of it...still awake. I sent a text to my married lover WS to ask if he's going to come by to see me today. It's 7AM and I don't even know if he's awake or if his wife will intercept the message, or give him a hard time about it. Then I get a text back, he's in pain, can't hardly walk...don't think he'll be coming by. I sent him good thoughts and well wishes...back and forth...kiss, kiss...feel better.

I couldn't sleep so I got up and mowed the back yard. Or at least a third of it. It's so tall that I can't get through it all at once. Have to stop after 20 minutes and let the mower cool down so I can hose down the blades! It's going to take me DAYS to get it under control again.

There's a rabbit sitting by the 'wild patch' in the back corner. He doesn't move when I mow (within 8 feet of him). Now I notice there's another one about two feet from him, hunched down into the tall grass. They must have a brood in the brush and are standing vigil to protect them as best they can. How brave...and dedicated.

It's now noon and way too hot to mow again today until sunset, so I go to bed and finally to sleep. I set the alarm for 7:30PM (it gets dark at almost 9 now). It goes off and I get dressed and go out to mow again. I get another third mowed before it starts to rain. Back inside the cool AC and standing under the vent to get my body temperature back down to normal...the phone rings. It's WS and he's feeling better. He sent me text messages that I didn't answer. I told him I was mowing. 9:30...he is already in bed, but wants to see me...I want to see him...he'll be here in 45 minutes...perfect! time for me to cook dinner and shower (timed just right when he arrives!). He joins me in the shower and we have hot sex. It overworks his hip and he's in pain again.

Once I realize he has sciatica, I rub on some BioFreeze and we relax on the couch to watch the comedian shows and munch on dinner. His wife and kids are all gone away up north, so he says "I'll stay tonight"...(wow, all night...a first). WS is one of the few men that I can actually SLEEP in the same bed with, a rarity. Sex is easy, sleeping in the same bed is a difficult 'dance' to master.

It was new and different to have WS stay the night. I got about four hours sleep total. When BT is here, I get very little sleep. I spoon with both men, but I'm more comfortable with WS. What is that? I can't explain it. Maybe because BT is single, I only see him 1-2 times a year, and I don't want to miss a single minute?! Is it just me or do all women have trouble sleeping with their lovers? How is it that men can just fall asleep? Maybe if I climaxed every time I had sex, I could just fall asleep too. No...it would have to be more than just once. I am energized after the first one. Somewhere around the third or fourth one...yeah, then I could sleep! LOL

Saturday, June 19, 2010


Waiting until the last minute to finalize my term paper resulted in the inevitable...the power supply on my computer popped, fizzled, and died before I could save, print, or review the final rough draft. I have only myself to blame.

It was the last week of my current semester and my term paper was due on Friday, June 18th (by midnight Central Time). I had been working on it feverishly since Wednesday to get all the references re-read and placed appropriately. Added the Title page, the Abstract, the Bibliography, and had expanded the three pages I had from the Outline...to ten pages with citations/quotes. I was all ready to print out the rough draft to read it over and make any corrections or notes and then it happened...!! a loud POP! and the computer shut off...the faint smell of "electric fire" and I quickly pulled the CPU out from the wall and disconnected all the plugs from the back. Oh Shit!!

No! NO! NO!!...not now! Oh, shit...I hadn't saved any changes to my USB drive (flash drive...thumb drive...jump drive...whatever slang name you call it)...I hadn't backed up my term paper since it was an outline. Three days work...gone. No computer. No laptop either. 2AM in the morning...already an hour late in submitting the work. What to do?

Saturday, there was an open lab in my classroom (where I teach, 30 miles away) from 10AM-5PM. So I got some sleep and arrived at 3:30PM to email my professor what happened and beg for an extension. Then I got busy re-writing my term paper. I stayed on campus, in my classroom/lab until after midnight, Sunday AM. Drove home, stopping at the IHOP halfway to have SOMETHING to eat...I was starving after 9 hours in the computer lab. I got home at 3AM Sunday morning and slept until noon. I called a guy I found on Craigslist who deals in used laptops and made a deal for a Powerbook for $400...drove back to Port St. Lucie (35 miles) and picked it up Sunday evening. Now for the long process of setting up a new computer.

Things do work out as long as you don't freak out too much. I relaxed and went with the flow. My professor allowed me until the end of day on Monday to submit the paper. I spent most of Sunday night/Monday morning re-reading and re-writing until I finally got the paper put back together and submitted early Tuesday morning (approx. 2 AM). It wasn't as good as the first paper I wrote but it would have to do.

Tuesday was my "final exam" for the class I was teaching. I brought food & drinks for my students and we reviewed the final projects and printed some...until I realized one of the inks was out and then the paper ran out(!). Oh, well...some students could come back and reprint or I would send them their print if they wanted. Summer terms are not as accessible as other terms. Everybody enjoyed themselves. I had students that stuck around for an hour after the class was over. Most would have been gone the first hour in any other class. That's what I love about teaching art...so much more fun...friendlier...more relaxed, less academic pressure. I love it!

Saturday, June 05, 2010


Still not done with my rough draft for my term paper. Running out of time...to be on time. What better way to celebrate than to take the afternoon off and have sex?

I sent a text message to my married lover on Saturday morning to ask if I was going to see him. He answered "yes & it wud be nice 2 catch u comng out of d shwr" and I said that depended on how he timed his arrival. To prepare for an afternoon of sex, I mowed the front lawn. Weird, you say? Not when you consider that it was a week past due and it rained every day. (June in south Florida!) If you didn't time it right, you could be caught in a downpour; mow at a daily temperature that competes with the surface temperature of the sun; or try to mow when the grass is too high or too wet, thus having to stop every 15 minutes to wash down the blades. Last weekend's mowing was delayed by my visit from BT. I had to catch up.

I timed it just right...finishing the front lawn while the clouds were gathering and cooled the temperature some...stepped into the shower, washed, shampooed, and shaved some stubble while the conditioner softened my hair. I thought I saw some movement in the living room (without glasses I can only see clearly about 3 inches in front of my eyes)...and into the bathroom he walks in all his naked glory. WS has a very sexy body...thin, but not skinny, and muscular...with a dark, Latino color, even where he is NOT tanned from working outside.

I invited him into the shower with me and we washed each other, kissed, and then got busy. I think the shower is one of THE most sensual places to have sex, and the fact that WS is just the height that we can do it standing up is the sexiest! Pure joy! We moved into the cool, dark bedroom and continued for some time, taking turns, bringing our pleasure to the peak then slowing down, changing position. Just as I was getting to the edge (which doesn't happen often in the natural scheme of things), I thought of introducing my 'finger vibrator' to the action to help me along. It actually intensified things for him too much...but he helped me along after and we both had mutually satisfying sex. We spooned and fell asleep for 20 minutes or so...a cat nap, then we dressed and hung out...talking, looking up stuff on the computer. I enjoy talking to him about spirituality, science, dreams, and goals...and everything. His phone rang and he had to go, promising to see me a few days (mmmm, goody!).

I have been meditating twice a day for a while now. One area I've needed improvement in is my love/sex life. The manifesting is paying off with a visit from BT (a love in my life) and now WS (the fairly regular sex in my life) and a very satisfying and joyfully tiring afternoon. Namaste!

Friday, June 04, 2010



It seems I continue to struggle with my online college coursework. After illness and a back injury caused me to take an incomplete the first time, I'm retaking the course again this semester. (Oh, and I'm still not use to the shorter terms...10 weeks instead of 16! Not enough time to get it all done that's for sure.) I'm working today to complete a 'rough draft' of the term paper for this class and will probably be up all night until the sun comes up, to put it all together. Even with that, it will be 4-5 days late and I'll be penalized 20-25% on the grade.


I saw there was a blog on the page that students access when they log in. Capella calls it The Guide but it's really a clearinghouse or jumping off point for you, as a student. You can access lots of different areas of the website, just like a campus would have a Student Union Hall with guidance to services on campus. One of the blogs was called "The other 85%" so I clicked on it to investigate. It addresses the majority of the new student body of colleges and universities across America. A voice for the older new or returning post-secondary student. I think the only way the attitude of the decision-makers will change towards what is defined as "the college student" is when that administration retires and is replaced by the contemporaries of those same students. The Baby Boomers (as we are called) or younger (our adult children...horrors!...lol).

The following was what I posted to the "The Other 85%" blog. Whether it will be published is something I'll have to wait and see, but here it is for all to read:

It is so true that the ‘college kid’ is now older, wiser, more time-constrained, and has more obligations than in the 1950s. Back then you could assume that the majority of college kids were fresh out of high school and still getting support from their parents. I was not one of them.

Born in 1956, to parents that divorced in 1964. Too many kids (3), too much struggling to make ends meet, and single parenthood, made it impossible for me and my siblings to go to college. When I was 19, I checked into financial aid (1975) and there was virtually none to be had, so I married and took a clerical job. I have been divorced, married again, had and raised a child, and buried a husband. At the peak of our life together, both working 40+ hours, we earned $55K in one year ($40K or under the rest of the 20 years).

In 1993, I went to college for the first time due to the last recession. Happily married, raising a son, I earned an associate’s then a bachelor’s in 5 years, working part time, living on scholarships/grants and $18K/yr trust fund (income of my invalid husband). I started a master’s degree in ‘98 and a second master’s in 2000! Now borrowing to earn the two degrees and I came up against the 150% time constraint! The administration couldn’t acknowledge that I was working on two degrees, nor any of my other circumstances. Then my husband of 20 years died.

I am only now starting back after 6 years to earn a master’s so I can be hired as a permanent professor instead of an adjunct. And I am almost starting at square one. Capella made it possible, transferred in 12/28 credits, but I have 36 more to earn, compared to the 8 credits I was short for my degree here. The first course seems to be more tailored to the instructors than the learners, more to learning ‘lock-step’ than learner outcome. I know I’ll get through and succeed as I always have, but it would be nice if the ‘powers that be’ had a little more sympathy and empathy for the ‘new college kids’ on the block. Thanks for letting me comment.


Is there still room on campus for dissent? Can an adult, older student speak out against the establishment? Or has protesting lost it's impetus and in need of Viagra? LOL I don't think my comments would be considered too controversial but it will be interesting to see if it's published and if I get any feedback from it. And now I'm off to do my homework! Peace & Joy.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010


He instant messaged me, "You still love me enough to see me this weekend?" I answered, "Of course"...and then asked lots of questions...when, where, how long a stay...this was the day before a three-day weekend (Memorial Day weekend). My long-distance love was coming to visit after almost a year.

BT (54) lives in the DR and is the GM for a printing plant. Until about a week ago, he had been working for the same company for 8 years. They had finally screwed him over enough and he gave notice but not before making plans to have another job to step into, doing the same thing, in the same area, for a better company. A company that will put his old company out of business. He has a good business brain, and the rest of him is pretty awesome too(!).

SUNDAY: He flew into MIA and drove the 3 hours up to me and finally arrived late Sunday afternoon. Since my car is on its last legs, I hadn't made any plans to drive to Lauderdale to celebrate with family and friends so I was available for this tryst. It was a pleasant surprise and a wonderful 36 hours. He and I went to my bedroom almost immediately, our clothes fell off, and we got re-acquainted! We re-acquainted ourselves on Sunday afternoon/evening twice. It was 9:30PM before we knew it and all the local restaurants closed by then, even on a holiday weekend. So we ordered pizza delivery and watched a movie while we ate.

MONDAY: morning, we had sex again. I made us breakfast and we ate. Later that morning, BT asked what I'd like to do? I said I thought staying here and having sex would be just fine with me unless he had something else in mind he'd like to do. He said that would be fine with him too. :)

We talked about his plans and what happened with his old company. He said that he would be coming to Florida more now with the new job. More like 2-3 times a year, instead of once or twice. Well, any improvement would be welcome. I do love him and as a lover, he's exciting, sensual, determined, generous, patient...and appreciates me for me. Leftover pizza for lunch.

We did take a drive to the beach house. I wanted to show it to him and we needed to go out for an errand anyway. It was a pleasant drive down US1 to Wabasso, then across Rt510 to A1A and north up the beach highway. The house on Amberson Beach was still for rent and the owners weren't visiting. We peeped in through the front door and then went around the back and up the boardwalk to the beach. It was glorious being there with him, sharing my vision for the house as an artist's retreat (& Bed and Breakfast). He liked it and my ideas. We returned to my house and cuddled. I cooked dinner, we ate, watched two movies. Even though he got a monster headache and wasn't up to any sex, it was nice having him there...being with him. I let him nap with his head in my lap and I massaged his head and neck. Cared for him. We went to bed and 'spooned' all night. I don't get much sleep when he visits, since it's much easier to have sex with a man than to sleep with him. I'm just not use to it (but I love to hear him purr/snore).

TUESDAY: We showered together @ 5AM after he shaved (his head, and face-not covered with goatee). I love showering with him. He apologized for not feeling up to sex and I said it was fine. He also realized that it was caused by not having his traction gear for his neck for the past two days. It stretches his neck and he's had almost no headaches since he started using it. Then he quipped that he was aiming for 6' (he's 5'10" now)...I laughed and said that was a reachable goal.

I made him toast and coffee, we kissed one last time, and then he was off to Miami for his meeting at 9AM. He said, "love you" and I said, "I love you too," and watched him back out of the driveway and drive away down the street. All too soon.

If my sex life is to be made up of more than one man, BT certainly fills the 'being in love with no commitment' section. He sees it as Friends With Benefits and I've now started to accept that as all there is going to be. The more I see him, the more I realize that what we have, is what we have. I don't expect anything more of it. And I don't think I want anything more from it.

I continue to search...with the freedom to do so. I like that, and I get great joy from being with and seeing BT. I grab all the joy I can in my life, as it comes along.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


Hurray for me! I got a class to teach for Summer Term A. I'll be teaching Photoshop Level 1 for six weeks. The class is Tuesday and Thursday 6-9PM, perfect for me (!). It's on the main campus, Ft. Pierce, which is a 30 mile drive (less than it was for Davie-Boca Raton). This is just the beginning.

The head of the graphic design dept. is really thrilled to have me teaching with them. And it is such a joy for me to be back teaching. The college is about to become a four year institution and they will need lots of instructors that know what it's all about. I just wish I had my MFA and I may have come up with a way to get it. I only have two more semesters (if I take 8 credits each) and I could have my degree. The degree with Capella will take me two years to complete and won't give me the degree I really need to become permanent, but would let them at least hire me full time. It is a dilemma.

I will have to wait and see if I get a reliable car in the next month or so. If I do, then I can think about commuting to Boca for my MFA. Since I've worked out a lease with Gino & Lou to be able to stay until October 31st, I'm a little more grounded in making plans. Everything just keeps working out for me. I'm very grateful and I continue to meditate and manifest. Outrageous Mastery!!

Saturday, May 01, 2010


The first day of May and no pole to dance around. Maybe I'll enroll in a pole dancing class! Anything to shake up this funk I've been in. Not really IN but skirting around the edges of...threatening to be sucked in at any moment, maintaining my distance by shear will and dedication to improving my life, one day at a time.

It seems that everyone I know is on the brink of a change in their lives. My friends are losing their houses/homes left and right. Poor decisions in the past causing the filing for SECOND bankruptcies, landlords selling income properties out from under tenants, jobs being eliminated, and many of us going back to school (the refuse of a bad economy) to re-train or upgrade for a better chance in the future. The economy can be blamed for some of it, but there's more to it. The attitude of the general population is more to blame. I have refused to watch the broadcast news for many years now, for the very reason that it is depressing, stressful, not necessary for me to be informed of what's generally going on in the world.

I choose to move forward in improving my life. I meditate twice a day, after I awake in the morning and before I go to sleep at night. I am excited about several projects in the works and about what changes are coming in the next six weeks in my life. I have been working on manifesting a more stable living environment and a steady income. I have confidence that all things will work out in my favor. Many people in my position would be at their wits end or at least worried. Worry never changes the outcome of anything, so I refuse to worry.

As it stands right now; I'm not working, my car is on it's last legs, I have to move out of my home in the next six weeks, and I have approximately $60 in the bank. Sounds bleak, but I have about $4000 coming in the next week or so. I am launching a new website for a service I'll be offering to organize and liquidate estates. I will be advertising my tutoring services and I have a connection for occasional freelance jobs. Plus, if I'm offered summer classes to teach, it will give me the stability I need from which to launch an even bigger enterprise, which I've been dreaming and planning for 20 years. Everything keeps falling into place and my life gets better and better.

I would like to see what it's like when your life exceeds your dreams. I can't wait to come up with more dreams! I offer my help when I can and look for ways to be of service to others, to use my gifts and talents. That is the only way that life improves.

Friday, April 30, 2010


As the last spring full moon ushers in Summer, my thoughts turn to cleaning. It is not officially summer until June, but my spring cleaning is not yet done. This is both literal and figurative. I have been clearing out clutter in my life and in the space in which I live. Clutter can slow your thinking, your progress forward, and the beneficial chi that flows through your home. This was inspired by one of my daily emails from a Feng Shui site, which I believe has enhanced my life.

Clutter has several catagories but for the sake of brevity we'll divide clutter into four; Emotional, Mental, Physical, and Spiritual. I will address each from two perspectives; Figurative (F) and Literal (L).

Emotional Clutter:
(F) Choose three (3) things that you no longer need, use, or love and give them to someone who will do all of those things. You will clear out some stuck energies.
(L) Review your relationships and be honest with your emotional health. If there is (are) any that are more of a drain than benefit, think seriously of distancing yourself. Choose to be around those that cause you joy.

Mental Clutter:
(F) Things that are untidy or disorganized scramble the brain. Organize one drawer today.
(L) Thoughts that are destructive or counter-productive that invade your good spirits are mental clutter. Negative thoughts, instead of positive thoughts, stated over and over become reality. The only way to break the cycle is to believe that what we think, we are. Practice three positive thoughts a day, when you wake up and before you go to sleep. Think about what you want to change and then believe that it is changed. Have confidence in your ability to be in control of your life.

Physical Clutter:
(F) Get rid of one thing causing physical clutter that may also cause reciprocal restrictions in your body. Opening up your living space can give you 'breathing' room.
(L) Make a plan to improve one thing about your physical health in the next month, be it increasing exercise by 15 minutes a day or an hour a week or replacing something in your diet with fresh, organic instead. Take a walk around the block, ride your bike, or go for a swim. Being out in the sun for 15 minutes per day can lift your spirits and improve your health. Eating one meal every other day that is prepared from scratch and fresh ingredients. Do one thing to improve each month.

Spiritual Clutter:
(F) This is unfinished business. Return one email, text, or voicemail today that has been on your 'to do' list in order to plug the energetic drain on your spirit. Write that report, finish that project, fight procrastination today and nourish your sense of accomplishment.
(L) Meditate, listen to an alpha recording, connect with your faith, be still and reflect on your plans. However you clear your soul and experience the oneness of you, take the time to pay attention and realign yourself. Don't let the details of day-to-day living crowd in and overwhelm you. Take time for you.

Yes it is very easy to say. Advise is given and it's up to us to use it or continue to be frustrated, disconnected, unhappy, and living a life of quiet desperation. It is up to each individual how your life goes, how your reality unfolds. You can take control or just react to what happens to you. Everyone has the ability to live the life they've always dreamed about, and to be giving and joyful. Clutter is a place to start...after that, there are no limits to the possibilities. Peace & Joy!

Monday, April 26, 2010


Forgive me, readers, for I have sinned....it has been two months since my last confession...hahaha. March 4th, I started teaching as an adjunct at the local college and the last class is Thursday. I started selling on Ebay to supplement having my unemployment benefits run out in Feb. I started back at Capella two weeks ago, to repeat my first class that I failed to makeup in the winter term. I started thinking that my dream of operating an Artist's Bed & Breakfast Retreat could finally happen and even found a perfect beachfront house. I stopped my regular trips to Ft. Lauderdale (280 miles roundtrip). I stopped hoping to have regular sex with BB.

I have had little time to gather my thoughts and get back to any kind of a routine. The teaching job came along after three different applications for jobs at the college; but this one was for something that I had proven experience in and they had a great need. When they called me in initially, I would be starting in June (summer term) because it was so close to the spring semester that I wouldn't have time to prepare. But as it turned out, SURPRISE! I wasn't prepared for the shorter term, the longer class time, nor the general expectations of the course. I had taught it before, but not under these conditions. All in all, I think I did a great job! I am sad to see the semester come to an end, but I'm very encouraged that this will lead to more classes.

The part time teaching job came just in time as my year-long collecting of UE benefits came to an end in mid-February. I applied for food stamps immediately and was approved starting mid-March. As it turned out, I didn't get them until mid-April due to them assuming that I still had my EBT card from FOUR years ago (when I collected for exactly ONE month! and have moved three times since!). Glad I had my tax refund to tide me over or I would have starved for sure. Now they are holding up April's benefit for some unknown reason that will take me days and days to find out. For as much as people complain about public assistance going to those who abuse it...there is so much they don't know about how much you have to go through for a lousy $50/week allotment for food only (no paper products, no toiletries, no prepared ready-to-eat foods, no vitamins or supplements, and many other restrictions). I am very grateful for it.

I started selling again on Ebay. I was shut down in 2008 due to the economy tanking and sales being $0 for three months. My sales couldn't pay my fees, so they shut me down. I have been selling my belongings...anything that will bring in $5 or $10, jewelry, crystal, china, collectibles...all those things you accumulate over the years, things you (think you) cherish until it comes down to being hungry and homeless. These are the times we live in. I have a Bachelor's degree in Graphic Design, four years of college teaching experience, seven years of clerical/administrative experience, and I can't get a job (but I can sell some stuff on Ebay!).

I started again to complete the first course in my Master's online. I have 12 transfer credits from the 68 Master level credits I have earned pursuing two Master's degrees simultaneously last decade (1998-2004). This begins the third week and I'm on target.

I have met a wonderful woman through BB who is experienced in writing grants and setting up non-profit organizations. She has given me lots of information and procedural steps to think about and start the process rolling on my Artist's Retreat. It would benefit the artists who come to learn and create, it would help the local community with attention on culture and increased tourist trade, it would benefit me to be able to teach, it would benefit the economy through airfares, field trips to local sites...there would be many benefits. So much to do!

My 18 yo car is now on borrowed time. My mechanic says, "shoot it and put it out of it's misery." It has been good to me for 18 months and 13,000 miles and for a $700 car, that is phenomenal. So to make sure that it will take me to work and back, I had to stop my long distance trips to Ft. Lauderdale to see my sister and my son (although, my son lived with me for two months in the time that I haven't posted!).

And finally, I came out and asked BB if he wanted to move to the next level in our friendship...that level being Friends With Benefits. He said he wasn't ready for that, he wasn't in a good place to complicate his life with another lover (he already has two, one I didn't know about before I asked). I said that was fine. Our friendship is more important to me than my sexual attraction to him. I've been in this situation before, but at least this time I'm not living in the same house. BB gets me. He thinks the same way as I do, we finish each others' thoughts. We enjoy each others company. If our relationship is meant to be more, it will be, and if not, I'm fine with it the way it is.

Starts and stops...beginnings and endings...and sometimes not enough time in the middle to document everything. We start things that we never finish. We start things that go on forever and have no real ending. We finish things with a great feeling of accomplishment. We end things feeling that we failed. Starts and stops. We are born and we die. What happens in between?

Make the most of it!

Friday, February 12, 2010


It is 5:30AM and I'm still awake. My weight loss goal is on hold. The makeup work for my Incomplete grade is on hold and due in 4 weeks. I have letters to request from former supervising professors. I'm at the end of my unemployment year and awaiting word on my new claim year. Then there's income tax to file and my credit to clean up and a credit score to rescue from the dungeon. 'Tis a dark time & a dark place.

As you suspect, my sleeping patterns have not returned to any resemblance to normal. I'm still staying up til dawn sometimes and sleeping until early afternoon. I'm lucky to get two good meals out of the day and no exercise. The colder days of February has slowed my "lizard-like" metabolism down to a crawl. Motivation to venture out is almost non-existent.

I'm late-night snacking and not following my life diet very well these days. Ian brought packaged food into the house that had thawed from the transportation lag-time and non-cooler storage of the move from Ft. Lauderdale to Sebastian, FL. He's been back down there three or four times in the past week (having trouble adjusting and letting go...which is understandable, since I went through it too when I first moved up here). This IS the farthest he's ever lived away from his known universe. But this has introduced thawed breaded fish sticks & Swedish meatballs, and ThinMints, and many boxes of cereal into my food storage areas. Things that had to be eaten before they spoiled and I was the only one HOME to eat them.

The bright glow of hope in all this is that I have a part time job starting soon with the local college...teaching graphic design!! I am so thrilled! I have to get the rest of the paperwork in to the HR dept., but it's a done deal. I'll be teaching in Ft. Pierce (30 miles away) and maybe in Vero Beach (14 miles away). I am so happy to back to teaching undergrads and back in academia. I've missed it beyond description.

Tied in with the new teaching job is my pursuit of my Master's degree. I have 4 weeks to makeup the work for a passing grade in my first online class; so I can continue with my second class in April and receive my active loan disbursement & loan deferments.

Timing is everything! This job will come at a time when my UE benefits have run out. The ed loan will come when I need a laptop for work and to pay any minimal income tax owed. My credit score will be improved enough to qualify me to buy this house under a magical first-time buyer program. The weight will start to come off and I will get into the best physical shape of my life.

Everything will come together, money will be available to pay everything, and this will be the dawning of a wonderfully enlightened time in my life. Stay tuned...

Saturday, January 23, 2010


Since Monday, I have made adjustments to the coming change in my life. My son is moving in with me due to his crisis in credit and not being able to rent a place of his own. This has caused him to give notice on a IT job that paid VERY well but was in South Beach in Miami. If he moved in with me, he would have a 3 hour commute to Miami...and NO amount of money is worth that. So this new development in my life has caused me to re-evaluate my daily routine and my goals. It has inspired me to pull myself together and do some things that I have put off, now crucial for the incoming additions to my household. I am THRILLED to have him moving in. I have missed him so much.

(Short version) Ian is 24 and just got his divorce on January 15th. It was a long time coming and a very stressful, messy affair to extricate himself from, which has dragged on for four years. They were too young to marry but my son felt it was the honorable thing to do after she became pregnant. I have a five year old granddaughter for which he shares custody with her maternal great-grandmother.

He and his soon-to-be wife moved out of my house in 2005. I have missed him terribly since then, only seeing him occasionally because I'm not the nagging, guilt-dispensing typical "mother" that you see so often in the entertainment media. So I am very happy to be able to reconnect with my son and help him in his time of need. He will also be able to help me.

He has already inspired me to rededicate my efforts to my goals; weight loss, exercise, and continuing education. He's going back to college to earn his degree. It is an outside catalyst that I can wrap my mind around and give myself a push. I love him so much. I want to be around when HE becomes a grandfather! To my health!

Young couples and parents don't realize when they make a baby that that child is your child for life. They never leave your life. They may go out on their own, but they come back...they always come back, for good or bad...they are of your body, your blood, your soul. They have their own problems and have to find their own solutions. You can be there to help, if asked. We can learn as much from them as we can teach them, maybe more.

And they can be there, to show you that there is always hope. Hope for better days, better health, a better life. I am so thankful to have him. He is my family.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Day 12: 218 AND HOLDING

WEIGH IN: Well I'm relieved to see no weight gain! With all the pizzas and unbalanced meals I consumed over the last two weeks...no weight gain. No weight loss either. I also didn't start my exercise routine of an hour a day. It's been cold/cool but that's no excuse. I have also been keeping vampire hours (going to sleep at dawn and sleeping until 3 or 4PM...What's up with that?). And on top of it all...no sex! for 19 days!

What happened? Stress...

...no stress relief...My married lover is taking an intense course M-Sat. for green construction practices and it leaves no time for me. I was going to drive down to Miami and get some sex from my boy toy, but the thought of driving 2 1/2 hours and then staying the night in his 3 room efficiency apartment just didn't appeal to me. If I could have afforded a night in a nice hotel, I'd have gone in a heartbeat. If I had REALLY wanted just sex, I could have made arrangements, and it may come to that very soon!

...stress that I put on myself. I was to deliver my painting to the courthouse for public display (public art) on Saturday, January 15th. The art club I belong to exhibits in various locations, and this was one. I had every intention to deliver and hang my huge painting of tree roots with subtle human shapes in them. I LOVE trees. I LOVE photographing trees. I LOVE painting trees. This painting was only under-painted. I had never gone back to finish it. I thought in my mind, "I can get this done this week. Or at least to the point that it can be hung among the other artwork of the art club." Sure. A week to finish a 3' X 4' painting. I think my biggest fear prevented me from finishing it on time. And also contributed to my falling off the 'diet' wagon. I neglected my life diet severely the last two weeks.

My biggest fear is that I will paint some part of a painting and mess it up so bad that I can't fix it. If I don't take the chance of putting my art out there for public criticism, then how will I learn? It's scary. But if I keep my art to myself, then my opinion is the only one I have to worry about. Not a productive attitude. Especially when I WANT to be recognized as a 'real' artist.

It was all my own undoing. I guess I just wasn't ready to exhibit. I missed this opportunity but I won't miss the next one. I am painting on my unfinished canvas almost everyday. I'm so use to painting in an inspirational frenzy and then NOT for long periods of time. I have to paint some everyday, even if it's only a square inch!

I have to work on my discipline! Get back to my organic foods, regular meals, regular exercise, regular sleep patterns, and regular sex!! Tomorrow is another day...

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


Weigh-in is on Saturday to see if I've lost 10lbs. After 9 days of having 'fallen off the wagon' and not starting my exercise routine...I am still determined to lose 50lbs by March 15th, 2010. I'm very confident that I am moving forward in my efforts.

The worst breech in my daily effort has been the Domino's pizzas I got and ate all last week. I buy their 3 medium pizzas for $5 each special every two weeks or so. I pig out the night they arrive and then freeze the leftovers for later. Later being the next several days! When I say pig out, I mean 6 or more slices. Now this would be a lot for a large pizza (16") with lots of toppings. But for a medium pizza, with only extra cheese or mushrooms being the added topping, it's not as bad as it sounds. Plus Domino's has started brushing the edge with herbs & garlic, which makes it irresistible. What is it about pizza that is soooo addicting? A friend offered this reason: it's the sugar. Could be...but I'm not giving up sugar! I don't care how much substituting they do, sugar tastes good. I know refined white sugar is bad so I use raw or sugar cane juice sugar instead. I gave up on the chemical sugars because they ARE poison and I don't want them in my body. I avoid white flour like the plague (which is why my addiction to pizza is so WRONG!).

I also made a recipe off the CoolWhip container using the fresh strawberries I bought to make a frozen delight which I used as dessert for 6 days. Each serving was about 300 calories.

All in all, I've managed to stay within the 1200-1500 calories/day even though I've been way off in my usual eating habits. The deciding factor in whether I lose this weight is exercise! My intake of calories would barely keep a woman of my height at 150lbs, IF SHE WERE UNDER 40 AND QUITE ACTIVE! I AM NOT THAT STATISTIC. We shall see on Saturday when I weigh in. (And by the way, no sex since last Monday. I would happily use 90 minutes of sex every day for my exercise!!)

Tuesday, January 05, 2010


Only got 7 hours sleep, 2 hrs less than I NEED every night. Yes...I said it, NEED. I hear from most people that they only need 5-7 hours...they can't sleep any longer than that. Well I say that something is wrong with them. Everybody needs 7 1/2 or more hours of straight, uninterrupted sleep a night. Most don't GET it, but we all NEED it. People convince themselves that they can continue to live on 7 or less hours. Al that does is shorten their lives. Sleep is when our bodies repair themselves, rejuvenate. Besides, I really needed the rest to have the energy for the errands I had to run during the day. AND EAT BREAKFAST FOR GOODNESS SAKES! (I have a protein smoothie of my own design, approx. 400 calories & 3 egg whites with one yolk for color, scrambled. Yum.)

Today I was going to open a new (local) bank account, but I got to the bank 23 minutes after they closed. The biggest drawback of being a late riser! I did get around to picking up the paint (interior & exterior) that was being given away on Freecycle.com (like craigslist but everything is free...still-usable items given away instead of filling the landfills!...YAY!). It was very cold today so I wanted to pick up the paint before it was effected by the temperatures (40s).

Then it was off to WalMart to rent two movies (for free) from the Redbox kiosk with the FREE promo code I got sent to my email. Once I got home, I downloaded several FREE self-improvement items in video form and watched a couple. I did laundry and snuggled down to watch some TV. Five days into the new year and there is a plethera of diet (fad diets) commercials on every channel, during every show. Yes...they work...for some people....at some times..but ONLY ONCE! BE AWARE! Granted, one of the most common New Year's resolutions is to lose weight, I think even more than 'get in shape' or to quit smoking. (I'll have to check on that.)

No exercise today other than running around in the car. Watched the movies I rented. Have to return them by 9PM tomorrow. It is an excuse to get out of the house! Eating healthy, giving YOUR body what it needs specifically, and EXERCISE is the way to losing and maintaining a healthy weight. As you get older, accept the fact that you will either have to reduce your intake or increase your activity to remain the same. You cannot eat like you are 20 when you are 30! and you have to work out MORE to keep from gaining weight...it only gets worse at 40 and above. But you can DO something about it as long as you are healthy and working at it will keep you healthy.

Monday, January 04, 2010


Today is the first day of my goal of losing 50lbs in 70 days. I did well in planning what I was going to do today before I even got out of bed. But somehow, it didn't work out as planned...it was better!

I lay in bed and plan out how my day will be, how it will go along, and what I will do or accomplish. I repeat my list of 5 goals, then get out of bed. I text'd my married lover/handyman asking when he can come by and install my kitchen faucet (and take care of MY plumbing at the same time...after all, IT'S BEEN A MONTH SINCE I'VE HAD SEX!). To my delight, he text's back that he will be here in an hour...YAY! I take care of a few things online, pay a bill or two, check dating sites for communications (more on that later) and then step into the shower to tweak my shaved status and get all clean for him.

WS arrives just as I finish blow drying my hair...I'm still wrapped in a big towel, which turns him on immediately. We kiss and caress and strip each other down...then I lead him to my bedroom and we spend the next 90 minutes or so having vigorous, delicious sex. I swear it gets better every time. Afterwards, WS massages my neck, shoulders, and back...which was also delicious. Then he asked me to sit up and he talked me through some healing methods to help my lower back. As we sat naked, cross-legged, facing each other...he said that I had an incredibly strong aura that he felt right away. (He's a Christian Scientist...very spiritual, self-healing, metaphysical, etc....) We got into the shower and enjoyed the water and each other's bodies for a short time and then went to work on the kitchen faucet. Went to Home Depot for parts and came back to finish. We enjoy each other's company and talk about everything (his wife and kids, who I'm dating, my family, art, movies, etc...). He may be moving back to NY and if that happens, I will miss him greatly.

I hadn't eaten anything all day, so I ordered pizza from Domino's. WS had to leave before it was delivered. I ate 6 pieces of a medium cheese pizza.

So my exercise for today: 90 minutes of vigorous sex (489 calories burned)
Food intake: Pizza (960 cal.) and ice cream (270 cal.)

A great start to my goal!

Sunday, January 03, 2010


Tomorrow is the first day of my goal to lose 50lbs in 10 weeks. I was inspired by watching The Diet Tribe on cable. Five women friends that vowed to lose 50lbs in four months and then compete in a triathalon. I know that I can do better than they did for several reasons.

I know that I don't have the issues these women had, I have a whole set of different issues to deal with, and I will. None of these women were over 40 years old. They had a personal trainer to instruct them and ride their asses. They were getting paid to do this project so they could afford the healthy foods. I know what it feels like to lose 50lbs and to exercise routinely producing a healthy, fit body. I remember what that feels like and I will feel that again.

I will be documenting my progress with what works for me. If this inspires anyone to try what I do/did and see if it works for them, more power to you. I am of the opinion that each person is unique and what works for me, may not work for you, and vice versa. I have tried many 'diets' and 'magic pills' and 'food plans'...all for naught. My healthy eating habits (life diet) which I have developed over the past six years have not helped me lose weight, but have maintained my weight while my activity has decreased drastically. I have become a 'lump' on the couch or I sit for hours in front of the computer. I need to greatly increase my activity level...in other words, "start working my ass off!" to achieve my weight-loss goal. I will be reporting what I eat and how I've exercised, my hits and misses, stress management, and inspiration.

If I am consuming 1200-1500 calories a day and not exercising, I cannot expect to lose weight. My body has become comfortable on reduced caloric intake. It has become comfortable at this weight and now I must make it uncomfortable. I have to use up more calories than I take in, not an easy task. My goal is at least one hour of vigorous exercise a day, with some yoga (new to me) thrown in. Ready, Set...Go!

Friday, January 01, 2010


I rented two 'chick flicks' for free from the REDBOX movie rentals (had a code from a freebies site). Made myself a yummy dinner of baked a Teriyaki chicken, steamed broccoli & carrots. Vegged out in front of the television and awaited the New Year.

I am comfortable with being alone for New Year's Eve. I didn't want to go out to celebrate and then have to drive myself home. The roads are too risky on this particular night of the year. Drunk drivers are still causing holiday tragedy and I didn't want to be a part of it.

BB was involved in a 'sweat lodge' experience for his bringing in of the new year. My sister couldn't afford to have a party and neither could I. I'm not yet involved enough with my neighbors to be invited to any festivities within walking distance. So I enjoyed my own company and two very funny movies too.

I watched THE UGLY TRUTH & GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST. Both could be considered to be DATE movies and tolerable by men, but I enjoyed looking at the gorgeous leading men as a bonus to the movies themselves being entertaining. Just goes to show you what a good girlfriend I will make some deserving guy. I don't force 'chick flicks' on my man.

But I can't help but think there was a man out there, either alone or reluctantly at a party...without me...when we could have been together, enjoying the night & the new hope of a better year...sealed with a kiss at midnight. What a chance he missed! Here's hoping his luck improves and he finds me. Happy New Year and the best to All in 2010!