Thursday, December 24, 2009


I'm driving down to my sister's to celebrate Christmas with her. We are both in dire straits for money, so this year is all about family and not about presents at all. Giving of ourselves, our company, our good much more important than spending money we don't have.

I spent last night and this morning baking cookies to bring with me and to give to BB and my son. I called BB and said that I would be passing by on my way to Ft. Lauderdale and wanted to 'hand-off' something for him, for Christmas. (BB does his present shopping the day after xmas. I'd heard about people that do...never knew one before.) We met near the entrance to the turnpike at the Steak 'n' Shake and I gave him the container of cookies for him and his son to enjoy. (The cookie containers are round like hat boxes, covered in red felt with a black sparkle belt midway around the bottom of the container...making it look like Santa's middle. Great boxes!) BB gave me a wonderful hug and we talked for about 20 minutes, then off I went.

I texted my son on my cellphone as I drove along the Florida Turnpike at 80 mph. Shorthand & to the point...trying to meet up with him to deliver his cookie container. (Yes, it's not safe to do...but there was nobody on the road practically & I'm quite good at touch typing...I know, no excuse!!) I finally got him to agree to come out and get the cookies when I arrived at his roommates' parents' house and respectfully declined an invite to come in and meet everybody. I was already running late (it was about 8PM now and I'd told Toni I would be there by 8). My son is doing well right his divorce finally!...working for a hot-shot in Miami as IT support (lots of perks and contacts)...and has embraced the idea of meditation and manifestation, which is working wonders in his life. Many hugs...then off I go.

I finally arrived at Toni's house after a stop at the grocery store (just before they closed for xmas eve). Toni had told me she was glad I was coming down because I was so upbeat and cheery, and she needed some of that. It has become more difficult for her to love teaching since they forced her to be a second grade teacher instead of the art teacher she'd been for 16 years. We watched movies and talked until way after midnight.

I got up on Christmas morning and made breakfast. It was relaxed and we all had a comfortable feeling. My nephew and his roommate were coming at 5PM for dinner. There was no rush to get everything cooked and prepared. Plus, at the last minute of checking my email before I had left last night, I got an offer for four free tickets to the Improv. So I was taking everybody to the comedy club for Christmas night. As it turned out, James and Heather couldn't go, so I invited my son to join us. We had a wonderful time and laughed a lot. Family, laughter, good food...what more can you ask for? Merry Christmas to All!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009


As Christmas draws near, I reflect on being alone. I've recently met a very special, sweet guy, BB. He and I are taking it very slow. We are being friends. We talk on the phone several times a week for more than the average time you would expect, considering that most men aren't as verbal as women. BB likes to talk.

We met through an online community and started emailing back and forth for several months. That progressed to a first phone call (which lasted over 2 hours!) which happened about six weeks ago. Then we met for lunch a month ago, with him driving to me (35 miles) and a very enjoyable time getting to know each other.

BB is divorced (12 years), has a 19 yo son who lives with him, and he has trust issues with women (due to his mother's alcoholism). So I understand his approach to this new relationship. He is very spiritual in the same sense as I am, which makes it very easy for us to talk about many subjects. There has been no intimate contact other than some real good hugging and some hand-holding in the movie last night. The hand-holding was very comfortable and endearing. We had gone to see the new movie AVATAR which besides being a feast for the eyes (3-D version highly recommended!), was enjoyable on many levels including carrying an important message to humanity...or in other words, very spiritual. We both enjoyed it immensely because we were there with each other. It is a slight disappointment to view a movie, even if it's entertaining, with someone who doesn't enjoy it (either the movie or the movie experience) regardless of how much you enjoy being together. I may have found my new movie buddy.

In my search for companionship in all it's incarnations, I seem to be making progress. I am not a serial dater and prefer to find all that I need in one man, but barring that, I will settle for finding all that I need in several men. This does not mean that I will be having sex with several men, but it might mean that I will be dating and having sex with more than one man.

How many men out there could accept that if they knew? How many men have done the same while dating several women? I also wonder how many men WOULD want to know?

I know that BB is dating another woman and calls her 'his girlfriend' for the moment. He is not happy with the relationship and wants to end it, but not before the holidays (wouldn't be NICE to breakup with her before Christmas). It's all in what you can live with, I guess.

My wishes for all you out there trying to find someone special is that you be grateful for whatever joy comes your way and eliminate that which causes you discomfort or unhappiness. Greet everyday as the BEST day of your life and joy will fill your days. Do what you love to do and someone special will find you. Imagine you have the life you want and your life will become your dream. Peace & Joy, Health & Happiness...Merry Christmas to ALL!!

Wednesday, December 02, 2009


In previous posts I have spoken about the affair I am having with a married man. I have no illusions about it. We discussed the situation before becoming intimate. There will be no romantic love or commitment demands from either of us. Realistically, if love should happen, we are adult enough to know that nothing will come of it. We enjoy each other in the here and now.

He went out of the USA to have some dental work done in his home country (for about 10% of what it would cost here and by a renowned specialist). It turned out that his surgery will be more complicated than first suspected and he has to return in 3 months to complete it, so he came back to the USA 10 days early. I had not seen him in a month. I had really missed him on all levels, physically, intellectually, and emotionally. We talk about a great many subjects and connect on a spiritual level in our beliefs. I know that he has other women that he is intimate with but I don't have to know who or how many, and I don't ask. I do know that he has not had sex with his wife in four months and that she is suspicious of him cheating on her. (I think that would be a 'given' if she does not want to have sex with him.)

He (WS) finally came over to see me. We kissed and embraced as lovers will after a long separation. Our clothes fell off right there ten steps inside the front door as we stood locked in 'welcome' naked passion. Kissing, touching, pure sex, standing up...enjoying the moment. We left our clothes in a pile in the floor and moved to the bedroom, where he took me doggie-style to my great pleasure and his. Afterwards, he flopped on the bed on his back and I hovered over him to further pleasure him with my which he gave out moans of delight and whimpers of ecstasy. We lay there entwined in each others arms, cuddling, chatting, kissing. Lovely.

After a while, we moved to the computer room/second bedroom to look up some book titles he was interested in and I lounged on the bed, looking over his shoulder. He said, "We're not going to get any work done today, are we?" and I said, "No." He came and cuddled with me under the covers and we talked about his wife and what was worrying him. He told me about a rekindled fling with an old flame in Columbia during which he'd had trouble performing and that he was amazed at how quickly I had aroused him. He was very happy at this development. I talked about a new man I had met and was tentatively dating. Then our passions rose again and we had sex again...intense, face-to-face sex, then we cuddled some more and he got up to take a shower. We spent almost 4 hours together.

It was a wonderful way to spend an afternoon and a nice welcome home to WS. I'm beginning to think that he is a piece to my puzzle of my having an ideal love life. If I could have a perfect (man) combination for my emotional/sex life, it would be as described in one of my online dating profiles in answer to what I consider to be an ideal relationship. It goes as follows:

A tall gorgeous boy, 10 yrs younger, as an ornament on my arm at official functions & tireless physical activities. One large, burly mature man with household repair and mechanical skills to fix things, especially me. An older rich gentleman to lavish gifts & affection on me without reservations. And a gay best friend to help cook, clean, get groceries & associate with me when I'm w/o makeup, lacking sleep, and/or PMS'ing. Combined all in ONE man would be THE ideal relationship.

I'm just wondering if maybe three or four men would be THE solution!

Thursday, November 26, 2009


This was a first for me. I am alone on Thanksgiving Day. For as long as I can remember, I have been around family or friends on this day. Today, it's just another Thursday! but I did give thanks.

It's not that I didn't have anywhere to go, or I could have made my own dinner and invited one or more to it. For the past 28 years, I have been going to my sister's house for T-day. This year she decided not to cook, partially due to an accident she had in her SUV five days prior, part due to tight finances (not surprising with the economy today), and part due to fewer attendees. I'm 140 miles away but would have driven to celebrate with them had she cooked. My son has issues with attending anymore, due to a falling out last Christmas. That left my sister and her son, and their friends (many either already committed to other places or out-of-town).

Thanksgiving use to be the 'opening celebration' to the coming holiday season...Christmas, Hanakkah, and New Years...and in the past there had been as many as 24 people attending the dinner at Toni's. Everyone helped by bringing covered dishes, wine, desserts, appetizers...doing dishes, carving the turkey...pitching in and making it a community effort. Christmas dinner was much the same, except that there were always more Jews than Christians attending. We mused at the irony. My husband and lots of our friends were Jewish.

Things have changed a lot since my husband, George, died seven years ago. Children grow up, friends grow apart, and the loss of family and 'family of friends' has taken a toll on tradition. I have been in a constant state of change for seven years and I feel very good about it, about where it is leading me and where I want it to lead me.

Tradition is a wonderful thing but you can't let it dictate your happiness. I am thankful for each and every day I wake up and I'm given another chance for joy and happiness. I am thankful to be who I am and where I am right now. I am thankful to know that I have the love and support of family and friends. I am thankful for the journey I am on and the discoveries I have made and will make. When we need tradition, we can have it or make new ones. Life is a journey, not a destination. Change is inevitable and necessary for growth. You can let it happen to you or you can take charge of the direction. I choose to take control. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

Sunday, November 22, 2009


For anyone who's read previous posts, I take mini-vacations when I have a few extra bucks. This is to give myself exposure to a new location, to try out different hotels in different cities (even though sometimes the cities are familiar to me). I recently heard the term "stay-cation" for booking a hotel in your own town "just to get away" from familiar home surroundings. At any rate, I booked two nights in a four star (****) Hilton by Ft. Lauderdale Beach to attend an 80's themed dance put on by POF on Saturday night and a comedy show at the Miami Improv on Sunday night.

The decision was based on the 80's themed dance being sponsored by a member of and it was suggested that everyone dress in the style of the decade. The music was to be from the 1980's, with drink specials from 8-10PM and no end time put on the dance (8 to ??). Then I received an email from the Miami Improv with a deal for four tickets requiring only the service charge ($2.50/ticket) and the two drink minimum. This is always a great deal. Most good headliners demand $15-30 per ticket plus a two drink minimum (starting at $5/drink). So I bought 4 tickets just in case, booked the two days at the Hilton for $50/night (naming my own price...thank you!!), and was all set for a fun weekend.

I have been conversing with one online dating contact for almost three years. JT is younger than me by 16 years, he's conservative (opposite of me), and he's on the heavy side with average equipment. Our first and only meeting was at a Starbuck's (ugh)...there was a four alarm fire for him, but only lukewarm excitement for me. He was pursuing a graduate degree, working at his Miami-based university full time, and working a part time job as a bartender for a caterer. He had little time for a relationship with me, along with little money to afford dates out or commuting 30 miles to see me. So we have exchanged IM's, emails, and some more recent webcam conversations (and erotica) over the last three years or so. We became more friends than lovers but our conversations have varied from the beginning of hot, erotica to me pulling back and wanting to be only friends, to hot, erotica again. This weekend was an opportunity to meet once more and possibly be intimate (JT hasn't had sex with a woman for 5 years!!).

I agreed to see him before I got ready to go to the dance and then we would spend some time together on Sunday before we went to the comedy show (since he said he'd go with me). I arrived at the hotel 2 hours later than I had planned and JT arrived about 7PM. We kissed (I did remember he was a great kisser!) and hugged and I showed him around the room and out to the balcony. We necked a little and then I had to start getting ready to go out. He watched me put on my makeup (was very weird for me as this was a first for me) and he also made sexual moves (rubbing up behind me, wanting to lift my skirt knowing I was pantie-less...he actually kissed my ass!! which made me giggle, all the while describing what he'd like to do...what his fantasies have been) which was all very distracting. After I was finished and ready to go, he convinced me to let him give me oral for my ultimate pleasure (which he had bragged he was excellent at and it turned out to be VERY true) and I reciprocated (until he couldn't hold off any more and wanted to be inside me). It all took about 45 minutes but I got mine first...wooowhoo! Then we went our separate to my dance and he to his Goth gathering.

I didn't get to the dance until almost 10:30, after wandering aimlessly trying to find the place. I had forgotten my printed directions/address but knew the general area it was suppose to be located in. After an hour of searching, I figured out where it was and that it HAD NO SIGNAGE! and after asking a departing POF member if this was the place. I went inside even after hearing that the crowd had thinned out some and scoped out the space and the ambiance. The general 'feel' of the room of 50 or so people was desperate, so I left and went to have my favorite late night dinner of Chicken Florentine Crepes from IHOP.

Sunday I never heard a peep from JT. He was so exhausted from our activity and the Goth gathering that he slept all day and didn't call me. I went to the Improv with my son, which I preferred anyway and enjoyed it immensely. Gary Owens was hysterical and I laughed so hard I cried out my eyes. I got back to my hotel about midnight, had a grilled chicken salad which I brought with me due to my organic life diet that I'm trying to stick to and save money by not paying tourist prices in the local restaurants. Check out was 11AM, so I played some Mafia Wars, checked email and went to bed.

To stick to my eating style, I had packed two coolers for this trip with No Hunger Bread, Black Bean Dbl Choc Muffins, mixed green salad/blk olives/chick peas, bottled water, green tea bags, and cut up leftover KFC grilled chicken. Except for the crepes at IHOP, I didn't need to buy any meals for two days. And they had a refrigerator in the room and an ice machine right outside my door. It all worked out really nice. The only thing I didn't like was the two double beds were as hard as rocks for me. I like a nice soft bed, one you sink into, it cradles you...these you could bounce a quarter off of. The view was nice of the canals and docks off the Intercoastal Waterway but I had really wanted an ocean time. I checked out, tipped the valet service, ran my errands to places that are not around where I live now, and was about to drive home when I got a message from a contact at eHarmony!!

This would be another first! I had given him my phone number and he wanted to meet since I was in the area, for dinner that evening (5 or 6PM, kinda early for me to eat but do-able). I have never until this time met any man from an eHarmony match. We met at 5:30 (after I changed in the Publix supermarket bathroom and put on my makeup) at a sushi restaurant. I'm not big on the idea of sushi...raw fish always makes me think of bait! But I'm trying to be more open and not make judgment without all the facts. I tried some of one of his rolls with avocado, brown rice, and salmon...which was good, a little chewy. I had stir-fried chicken and vegetables, which was wonderful. We talked of many things. He's a holistic doctor and talked about his new diagnostic machine. I will refer to him as S, 'cuz I never got a last name. We spent 2 hours, eating and talking, but parted with a handshake and no plans for future dates. There wasn't much chemistry/spark/attraction...or at least I didn't feel it.

I got home about 9:30 and was SO glad to be there. Another contact called me, BB and we talked for another marathon 2 hours! He and I have emailed and sent tags (visual flirts/sentiments/teases) back and forth on for a while now. We finally talked on the phone the first time and found that we had so much in common. We had planned to have lunch on Tuesday and he wanted to confirm the date. So in three days, I got laid, had a spontaneous date, and had several phone conversations (90+ minutes) with another online contact and had a date for Tuesday. Wow! A two month dry spell and all of a sudden, MONSOON season! It's rainin' men, hallelujah, it's rainin' men...I'm gonna let...My-self get...Ab-so-lute-ly...Soak-ing wet!! YEAH!

Friday, November 13, 2009


I know, who doesn't hate to throw up (except those with an eating disorder). I cannot fathom how they do it more than twice. The damage that is done to the throat and esophagus alone. I spent my twenties learning my limit for alcohol and a lot of time "praying to the porcelain god," in other words, vomiting into the toilet until there was only dry heaves and then nap-time on the tile floor. And then there were the bouts with food poisoning of every description and stomach viruses. I HATE TO THROW UP!

The time change we Americans went through on November 1st this year, marked a disruption to my sleep pattern as I have never experienced before. It is always difficult for me to go back to the standard time reference and the shorter daylight hours. My adjustment usually lasts two weeks or so (which I'm right on schedule). I have been staying up all through the night and then going to bed at 8AM or noon or 3PM!! just to wake up/get up at 9PM or 11PM!! I tried 2 or 3 times to stay up all night and go to bed at a regular time to try to re-set my internal clock but it didn't work. I would just continue to be awake until 2 or 3 in the morning.

Anyway, I was on this sleep roller-coaster on Monday night when I decided to make a pot roast. I cooked it in a roasting bag and after it was done, I put it on the stove-top to rest before carving it, then while relaxing on the couch I fell asleep. It was all sealed up in the bag, but I didn't put it in the refrigerator until three hours later when I woke up, heated up a little of it and ate. Then I worked on my classwork for several hours before I went to bed for another 6 hour stretch.

Tuesday night I heated up a little more of it for a late dinner and worked on the computer for several hours. I took a break to watch some TV and fell asleep on the couch. About 5 or 6 hours later I woke up with a belly ache. It was around 4AM and while sitting on the toilet waiting for some resolution to the rumbling tummy I got the unmistakable feeling of increased saliva production...I grabbed the waste basket and put it in front of me, just in time to vomit (while still sitting on the toilet!). Diarrhea and vomiting...oh, what fun. I don't think any other animal but man goes through this helpless, uncontrollable malady. After about 20 minutes of this, it finally subsided and all the BAD was out of my system...thank god! I crawled into bed and slept until 8AM.

I felt worn out but not sick throughout Wednesday until it got to be 24 hours from the time I was sick. I started to feel pain in my back and ribs. Had I really exerted that much while throwing up? Damn...I'm outta shape! All day Thursday I couldn't even cough or laugh without feeling it in my back and ribs. So I guess the lesson learned here is, don't cook a major meal when you might fall asleep and inadvertently give yourself food poisoning! Always store your leftovers right away in the fridge, not three hours later! And don't fight the time change...just let my body adjust in it's own time, in its own way. I don't have this problem at all in the spring, when we go to Daylight Savings Time. Why can't we just stay on that all year long??

Monday, November 09, 2009


I can't explain it and after the post in October. I really haven't gotten any good results and feel that it's good money thrown after bad, but I still became a paying member AGAIN! $20/month for three months, then if I want to continue (to be a masochist), it costs $30/mo. RIGHT! Like I want to pay MORE not to find someone right for me. Please! Someone...stop the bleeding (of my wallet) before I join again!

So I had just gotten over the FREE WEEKEND in October when eHarmony allowed free communication for six days! The longest I can ever recall them doing without their "money grubbing." I don't begrudge them a profit but I'm sure they are all millionaires many times over. I just don't understand their need for greed while lying through their teeth that they are so concerned about their clients and matching 'like' people so that they are lifelong relationships, and blah, blah, blah.... Anyway, back to my experience...this time...

As soon as I paid for my membership, the matches slowed down to a trickle. I was getting 4-6 matches a day while NOT paying. Now I'm getting an average of 2 per day. I had a backlog of over 40 matches clogging my match page, so I spent hours going through them to review, decide to eliminate or contact, and then close out those I wasn't interested in or who had never replied to my contact. About 2% of the matches were no longer on the site...deleted by management or themselves.

Yes, there are some sleazy men who will pay $60/month or more to entice unsuspecting women into their schemes. Some have multiple profiles and many different approaches. This is not exclusive to eHarmony but the money invested makes these slime particularly reprehensible. These are men that never learned the basic lessons in kindergarten. Run! do not walk, to the nearest lighted area, where there are crowds, and policemen!

So I've been paying now since Friday and I had a backlog of matches to go through. I hadn't checked my profile or matches since before Halloween so I had about 40 new matches and 20 older ones, varying from old to really old ("why are you hanging on to the hope that he will ever check his profile again?" kind of old). It took me several hours to go through and review each match, decide to communicate or to close out the match, or to NUDGE them one more time since I was a paying member again. You can't see each other's pictures if one of you isn't a paying member. So you can flirt (Icebreakers they call them on eHarmony) but no pics, no controlled communication, no nothing. Kind of like waving back at someone on a passing train.

So now I could see pictures along with reading their profile. I reject for sparsity of words. I mean come on! a man could spend more than 5 minutes to fill out his profile if he were really looking for something meaningful. I reject for golfers...but that's just me (already been widowed once, thank you). I reject for distance most of the time, unless the profile is really outstanding...and then the picture is attractive to me...I will make an exception here and there. I am spiritual and in touch with my concept of a higher power, but will reject a man who is steeped in dogma (organized religion can be used as an excuse to control...and I really run away from control freaks!).

So now I've weeded through 60-70 profiles, some in review of previous interest which now has a picture to enhance (or not) the chemistry of my interest. I have 9 left that I have communicated to; one of which has communicated once with me and I, twice with him. Awaiting a reply. Thank goodness this is not the only dating service I use. I can't imagine myself as I was in the beginning, almost 7 years ago, sticking to only one service, one method and letting it drain my wallet dry. I have two other services that are free from which I get lots of opportunities. More on them in a later post. I'm giving it one more try. What's $20/month? Two trips to the movie theater? one dinner out? I remain...the eternal optimist :)

Friday, October 30, 2009


For those who don't know, when you start a new semester in college you go through stages. First the gathering of supplies...books mostly, then the adjusting your time to meet the required instruction, study time, assignment submissions, and feedback from the instructor. You learn what's expected from him/her and what the rules are. Online courses are no different but you have the added element of technology.

It takes me about two weeks to adjust at the beginning and this has always been okay, for courses that last 16 weeks. I am now on a 10 week course schedule and haven't made THAT adjustment. A week into this new experience, I failed to get my books on time by one day (called on Friday to order them and was told my financial aid voucher had to be used by the PREVIOUS day). problem...I'll get my loan check in time to order my books and have them by the fourth week of classes (not remembering that I only HAVE ten weeks!). Then around the 10th or 11th day, I strained a muscle in my back and couldn't sit up in a chair or in bed! I could lie down or stand up...that's it! It made it almost impossible to do my classwork, so I fell behind. My instructor was understanding since she also suffers from back problems. Two weeks later and as much behind in my work, I finally started getting some of my required books. Except ONE I needed for week 3 and week 5 reading, which the professor didn't post. So I continue to struggle with catching up.

The obligation and commitment of earning a degree is still a scheduled thing even if it is not in a physical classroom on a campus. Discipline and organization are the keys to success in academic pursuits. And it also helps to like what you are studying (the good stuff and the boring). It is all in your attitude. You decide if it is worth it or not.

Sunday, October 25, 2009


This is my opinion so there is no reason for legal action. It is my experience that with all it's hype and extreme advertising budget, eHarmony sucks as a dating service. They will have you believe that because you go through an "extensive" psychological profile questionaire, that you will have much more success in finding "a true match" on their site. And when you have paid your money (one of the MOST expensive online dating site fees) and nothing happens, they tell you that it takes time to find the right match FOR YOU. Here is my experience with eHarmony. I hope it helps you or that you can identify and sympathize.

In a (fairly) quick check back into my closed matches from eHarmony, my preliminary start date with them seems to have been August 13th, 2003. That would have been the date I filled out the psychological questionaire to give them a good idea of who I am and who I'm looking for as a match. Since then, they have sent me 2100+ matches...NONE of which I have met! I have gotten to the open communication stage with a few and have spoken on the phone with approximately three (3). In six (6) years of on again, off again membership...not one face-to-face meeting. I have had full membership on several occasions and have taken advantage of the "free communication" weekends they have been offering during the past year. Nothing! Nada! Zilch!
They charge $59.95 for one month! The most expensive service online at the moment, if you don't count the personal service companies with dating counselors/coaches who work with you one-on-one. The cheapest they get is $19.95/mon. if you pay a year in advance. They will also run specials of 3 months @ $59.95 (which works out to approx. $20/mo. and is comparable to other online dating services and they have recently allowed the payments to be taken out monthly over the three month period, instead of all at once...nice, considering the economy).
Just as an example of the success rate, I spent 90 minutes today just clearing my NEW matches. Their system of reviewing your matches is way too time consuming. I have filters on who they are suppose to send me as matches, and they don't even pay attention to my preferences.

They pride themselves on a 'guided' system of communication to protect their members and make sure that both parties are 'right' for each other before they are 'allowed' to communicate directly. This system was modified a couple of years ago to include the option to "Fast Track" the communications between matches, IF both were paying members and both agreed to immediate contact. You cannot see a non-paying member's photos, nor contact a non-paying member other than 'Icebreakers' which consist of a short list of common contact phrases which can be shared for free...ONCE...between two members. So if you are paying your $60, you can't contact someone who isn't paying. And you have to be very vigilant during the 'free contact' weekends to get through the long arduous process of sending questions back and forth to get to the 'open communication' step. (That is if you haven't figured out how to put contact information into the open-ended response section...Hopefully, nobody at eHarmony will read this and close THAT loophole.)

Has anyone noticed that the couples they show in the commercials for eHarmony have wedding dates that are several years ago? Are they still together? Anybody gotten married as a result of meeting through eHarmony in the last two years?? It's all very suspicious.

I have had my profile on eHarmony for over six (6) years and haven't met one man face-to-face. I have met many men from other online dating sites...some that charge, some that are free. The MOST the others charge is $24.95...even for the MILLIONAIRE dating sites! My guess is that the membership fees are so expensive to pay for the huge advertising budget.

I would really like to hear from any online daters out there who have met anyone through eHarmony!! Please, send me your story! Anyone? even if it didn't progress past a face-to-face meeting or a second date...anyone?!

Monday, October 05, 2009


Today I start my graduate program online. I found an accredited university that offered a near-perfect program and worked with me to resolve my academic 'issues' so that I could enroll and continue my pursuit of a Master's degree.

Back at the turn of the century (lol, love saying that) I was working on two Master's degrees at the same time, which had nothing to do with one another and none of the credits crossed over and counted in the other program. I started one in Educational Technology in 1998 and got into the second one in Fine Arts (terminal degree like a PhD) in 2000. That's when I started teaching a class as a requirement (as a Graduate Teaching Assistant or GTA). As long as you are at least half-time, you can put off payback forever (theoretically). The plan was to stay in school to avoid paying my education, not really. The plan was to get my Master's in Graphic Design and teach at the college level. The MEd was to bridge the gap between my Bachelor's in Fine Arts and being able to get into the Master's in Fine Arts. (They make you wait 2 years!)

In October of 2002, my husband died and I couldn't bring myself to graduate that semester with my first Master's in Education, as I'm sure you can understand. My studies faltered, I was a wreck and in my efforts to put one foot in front of the other, I continued to take classes, teach my GTA class and start a new job at a local university on the provision that I completed one of my degrees. Three years later and a constant head-butting with the new dean, I was fired for not having my degree.

That was 2006 and I have been unemployed and employed for three years; as a graphic designer, unemployed, as a waitress and substitute teacher, and again unemployed since January 2009. I found the online university and enrolled in the Master's in Instructional Design for Online Learners (, ohhhh, the irony!). It's perfect! I can teach again, from ANYWHERE! It allows the freedom from scheduled times in physical classrooms and fits well with my night owl tendencies. I can log in to the courseroom, read comments, post comments, or submit a paper at 3AM. How cool is that?

It is my sincere wish to teach art online. It is a bold undertaking in the face of many nay-sayers but that does not deter me. So now I am starting on my way towards my goal and it's so exciting. Once I have the degree, I can apply to colleges expanding their online courses, which is a big trend in this economy with everyone going back to school to beef up their skills or change careers. And it saves the institutions from building new structures to house the demand. It is the future.

Friday, September 18, 2009


Over the last 6 1/2 years that I've been online dating, I've observed a dating cycle. I'm on several dating sites and most of the year I get 2-4 nibbles (emails) a day. There are certain times of year that there is no activity. I haven't figured out why this happens but it has happened recently over the past 3 weeks. No new contacts, no new emails until about two days ago.

I check my online dating sites at least every two days for new emails. I also receive notification emails telling me I have mail. The past several weeks, there's been very little activity. When this happens, I go into my accounts and stir things up a bit. Maybe post a few new pictures or rewrite my essay. I might view those men who have viewed my profile, causing me to show up as having viewed them. Or I'll add ones I'm interested in to my favorites (black book..or whatever the site calls it). This lets them know that I'm more interested than just a look. I feel that if they can't get the idea from that, then they're probably not smart enough to keep up with me anyway. Sometimes I'll send a wink or a 'free' icebreaker to show interest. Then it's up to them to send me an email.

Every once in a while I take a special offer from eHarmony if they offer 3 months for the price of one month. They are a VERY expensive service that doesn't produce any results. Even their commercials show couples that were married years ago and no one says whether they are STILL married today. My favorite services are Plentyoffish and Bookofmatches, both of which are FREE and through which I have met several men. They include forums to express opinions for like-minded matches and Plentyoffish has taken the 'community' feel a step further by it's members organizing events locally to get members out in social situations but with the comfort of being in a group. I have attended many of these events and I've had a great time. They do this without charging a fee for membership. I don't think you should have to pay for a matchmaking service.

Thursday and Friday I got about six new emails each day, so it looks like the dry spell has ended. Though I wasn't interested in any of the men who tried to contact me, at least it was something. I would say that I respond to one out of 10 emails, other than to just thank them for their interest and wish them luck. Being on more than one dating site is viewed by some men as being a player, but I think that is only if you stay on them after you have found a serious relationship. If a man is put off by you playing the field and giving yourself as many options and opportunities to find happiness, then he has a narrow view of what dating has become in the 21st century. Pass on him, and move on to the wonders of dating and finding THE right man for you.

Saturday, September 12, 2009


Having had a few days of "not feeling so healthy" I was looking forward to a massage and little sex today from my married lover. He is my handyman, my 'rent-a-husband' (for real!), and he gives me attention for about four hours on Saturday starting around 2PM. But not today.

I woke up to my alarm clock at 11AM, but had had only 7 hrs sleep and needed more. I reset my alarm for 12N and went back to sleep. At noon, the alarm went off again, so I hit the snooze (10mins extra)...three times! and finally was awake at 12:30PM. I texted my lover good morning and waited. WS replied that he wasn't able to come today due to dental problems. I texted him back and told him to rest and heal, and that I missed him.

Feeling a little let down, I got an IM and a phone call from a prospective lover who lives 90 mins NW of me, but we've never hooked up as yet. LC is also in the handyman crafts, recently divorced, and he works 6 days a week. Today he took off work for mental health and is taking off next Saturday too. Now my dilemma is: Do I start a sexual relationship with LC, who is not married but also not available but every once in a while due to work? Do I really want to start a purely sexual thing or do I hold out for a local, full relationship?

I was suppose to go to a movie & drinks/live music last night with KS who I met on Tagged. We've spoken on the phone a couple of times and he REALLY wants to meet me and take me out. I told him it would be as friends (since he's a little older than I date). Then his work had an emergency and he couldn't call me on his cell due to reception interference (at the airport where he works). I got notice of this after waiting...ready to go...all made up...two hours past the time he said he'd call. I figured I was stood-up and went online to Tagged to play some Mafia Wars and check emails. His email was there explaining what had happened. I wasn't mad...shit happens. I told him that I had plans for Saturday, so he had suggested that maybe we could go to the movie on Sunday. I emailed him back that would be good.

So today I'm working on projects, self-improvement and home-improvement. Taking my time with no one pushing me to 'get it done' or waiting for me to be ready to go. As a mature single woman, playing the field can give you many choices. I am not a 'player' since I do not lie about my relationships to anyone in a relationship with me. If a man asks me if I'm dating anyone else, I tell him the truth. If he asks me if I'm having sex with anyone else, again I tell him the truth. If they ask the question, they better be prepared for the truthful answer. I don't volunteer the information unless asked. It's not their business unless they want to make it their business. This all changes if there are serious emotions involved between both me and the man. I am all for being exclusive, but I also exercise the freedom that men have had for centuries. My happiness is exploring all the possibilities available to me.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009


As human beings we strive to improve ourselves. It's a basic need to reach self-actualizaiton or what some call enlightenment. Take into consideration that there is an enormous population of humans that will never reach enlightenment because they live in horrendous conditions where ignorance is the rule, to keep the masses controllable. In a country like ours, this should not be, but unfortunately it does exist. Mazlow's Heirarchy of Needs shows that self-actualization can only happen when all the other needs are met. The deficiency needs, of which self esteem is just below self-actualization, have to be met before moving on to the next level. With our tough economic times, self esteem has taken a hit.

There is a plethora of self improvement systems out there.
The Law of Attraction. This particular idea is so evident and easy to understand that most don't get it. It is based on breaking habits of negativity and thinking your way into a better life. Good thoughts attract good things. Believing the you are already at the place you want to be, things are already taken care of, and eliminating worry from your life.
Visualizing is closely related. As something that very successful people from all walks of life have testified to, visualization works. An athlete crossing the finish line is never surprised that they won, because they already saw themselves doing it. It is something that many people have to practice in the beginning. Vision Boards and Dream Posters were the first visual representation of what you want, your goals. Now there are MindMovies which gives free generic movies which uses visual images and music which taps into brain frequencies to align the mind and the brain. You see what you want and your mind is receptive. Or you can create your own specific mindmovie to manifest your dreams.
Motivational tapes and seminars to help you through your self improvement. Motivating people to get out of their own way in becoming successful in their lives, in getting a better life, and finding their true calling. Many of these will involve making money or providing a steady income. And some claim the "get rich quick" theme that is so familiar. You can waste lots of money on these if YOU are not prepared to succeed, and many are not. YOU have to know what you want, what your dreams are and what you would do if they were realized. Otherwise, FEAR will take over and you will never follow through. If you are more comfortable on paper, in writing, then you can write your story the way you want it to be. And there are many others out there, I have only listed a few that I personally have checked out and have found helped me. If something strikes a chord with you, if it makes you excited...go for it! and follow through! If you are worried how you'll pay for it, believe that you will have the money somehow when you need it. Move forward towards your dream.

You can have your dream. You deserve it. You must prepare for it. Eliminate negative from your life. Don't let others draw you into their negative, fearful lives. It is all right to request that others around you not talk about negative things. Stop watching the news. Filter your news to stay informed but stop taking in all the negative, all the time. DREAM BIG!! ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!

Monday, September 07, 2009


I am looking for that one special man I can love and share my life with but in the meantime, I intend to bring happiness into my life every day. I have a lover I'm seeing once a week at least and now that I have my regular sex life taken care of, it's time to work on increasing my activity even more. I researched into a local bike-a-thon that I can enter to motivate me to exercise more. I love to ride my bike but haven't ridden once since I moved here almost 6 months ago. Having gained 30 lbs from March to June, I desperately need to get my ass out there and ride!

Instead I mowed the front lawn. That in itself is good exercise and burns lots of calories. 537 calories burned in 1 hour. I made my goal to start training on Tuesday if the weather permitted. I have to mow the lawn over two days, front yard one day, the backyard the next. If I try it all in one day, I could faint from heat stroke. After all, I live in central Florida and it hasn't started to cool off yet. Another week or two and then the weather is's what the tourists come down here for.

Some exercise is better than no exercise. I am trying to move more every day. 5hrs/day = 20 mins/hour you are awake. This doesn't count when you are sick but still try to move when you can and rest enough to get well. Once you are well again, start back to the goal of 5hrs/day of moving (walking, climbing stairs, bike riding, grocery shopping, doing laundry, gardening, shooting pool, swimming...anything to move!). Love yourself first and love will find you.

Saturday, September 05, 2009


I slept in again, having stayed up until 4AM playing Mafia Wars on Tagged. I had been working on my self improvement program all day Friday; writing out the first exercise, posting on the community board, and answering email. I love my life on my terms. NOT having to get up to an alarm clock, NOT having to drive to a building to work in, and NOT living by anyone else's schedule. It's heaven! I am living my dream life right now, the only things missing are a steady reliable income to sustain me into the future and a special man to share it with. But I'm working on it.

I had been thinking about WS since his visit on Wednesday. I was even kind of anxious for him to arrive. He usually gets here about 2, but today didn't arrive until almost 3. He's been working on his own house and the job had gotten really involved. We talked about what he had been doing all morning, and then I talked about what I had been doing...all the time, me leaned back sitting in my leather computer chair and him in the dining room chair across from me, with my legs up on his lap on either side of him. He rubbed my legs and ran his hands up under my skirt, discovering the extent of the shaving that I had done the night before. We both vowed to get some work done around the house today...but AFTER...we moved to a more comfortable bedroom of course. He got naked while I went to the bathroom and when I came out, he was on the phone...with his wife. They had a 10 minute conversation while I took the cat out of the room and got a bottle of water. He said he had wanted to get into bed and pose all sexy for me...I told him he didn't have to try to be sexy, he already was sexy.

We played around for a little while, him on the edge of the bed, me standing in front of him. He took my dress off over my head, kissed, fondled, sucked, & licked me in all the appropriate places. I laid him back on the bed and gave him some oral attention (which he thoroughly enjoyed) and then he stopped me, stood up, embraced me, and then entered me with us both standing. It was very erotic and felt great! He said "I've never been able to do that with any other woman before." So we stood there, naked, kissing, having sex...standing up.

He turned me slowly and backed me towards the bed, laid me down without missing a stroke, and we had slow, delicious sex for the next half hour...changing position ever so slightly, this leg here, that leg there, entangled, engulfed...pelvis bone to pelvis bone...tingling, tightening...stop...shutter...start again. It was wonderful. No orgasm for me this time but there will be lots of time for that. We lingered in bed, drinking water and talking. He got up and took a shower (3 minute military shower). Then we started working on re-screening that needed to be done...before he had to leave. We got 4 done. I told him I'd work on the others so they'd be ready for him next Saturday. He said he'd try to see me during the week (which would make me very happy). There is always a certain amount of hugging and kissing, affectionate touching between's very sweet.

A little talk, a little sex, a little home improvement is good!

Wednesday, September 02, 2009


Wednesday was like any other day. I had gotten up around noon, started working on my self improvement program. Did laundry, trimmed some bushes, cleaned out the catbox, then decided to make some dinner before settling down to watch one of the three new movies I'd received in the mail. When there was a knock at the front door.

It was my married lover, dropping by to see me. He'd been on an errand to the airport in Orlando and had some time to come by and spend with me. I was thrilled. My dinner was ready so I loaded up my plate and sat down with WS. He talked while I ate and NCIS was on for background noise. (WS doesn't watch much TV, so he wasn't familiar with the show.) I could care less if the TV is on or not, I just like the background noise sometimes, and I really do enjoy the show (though I've seen all the episodes now, from all the seasons). After I finished eating, he took my plate and put it in the sink (I'm just not use to being pampered, but it IS a wonderful thing). He came back in the living room and said he would have to go soon. He knelt down in front of me, and I spread my legs to bring him in closer, to hug and kiss him. He ran his hands up under my shirt and pulled me closer to the edge of the couch. I unbuckled his pants and we coupled (since I don't wear underware most of the was an irresistable turn on for him). It was a wonderful and unexpected pleasure. I can get use to a regular sex life!

Always be open to the unexpected pleasures of life. Savor and enjoy them for what they are. We all are given the same 24 hours, it's just some of us are enjoying it more than others.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009


Be careful when starting up a new sexual relationship! Whether it be with the opposite sex or a new sex toy. When we were young and just beginning to explore sex, there's a condition called "The Ditney (sp)" which was defined as "over f**ked and underfed"...or at least in my time. It happened when you got with a new partner and screwed like rabbits. Every which way, every moment available. Sometimes you went for days, just sex, and repeat. (LOL) Well, apparently this can happen when breaking in a new sex toy too (and having more sex with a partner than you're use to). The condition is soreness when urinating, sometimes burning, sometimes pain, due to the overabundance of rubbing in the area of the urinary tract.

I had a reaction on Tuesday night to all the sex and sex toy play I'd had last week! It was not pleasant but it was short-lived, thank goodness. In the most delicate way I can put it, I had the urge to pee all the time! After 7 hours of it, it became quite painful. Thankfully, after taking some Motrin and drinking lots of water, it did subside. Add to the 'too much stimulation' that I had also been working outside in the heat, losing buckets of sweat and not paying attention to how much water I drank (this was for the two days prior to Tuesday night). So a combination of dehydration and over-stimulation with the Relentless Rabbit caused this urgency to manifest. It had been so long since I had experienced anything like this that I didn't recognize it for what it was. I was looking up the symptoms on the internet (which sometimes the access to so much information CAN be a bad thing) and imagining all sorts of things. Once I realized what had happened and followed my instincts, everything was fine. My instincts told me to increase my intake of water and try to bring down the inflammation, which was probably internal (hence the Motrin).

Don't be so paranoid about sex. Those in charge of education unfortunately have been fueled by the organized religions into scaring the crap out of everybody. It's all about controlling the masses. Our children have had it drilled into their heads by the school system that sex is bad (abstain), it will kill you (STDs), or you will get pregnant and ruin your life. In the 21st century, you would have thought we would be more advanced than this as a developed country. Yes, you have to be careful (STDs can be spread orally as well). Yes, you have to use protection (WARNING: lambskin is only good against pregnancy not STDs). Yes, anything in excess is bad for you (there's no shame in using lubricant). So try to practice moderation. And if you get 'The Ditney', just try to cuddle more and cause friction less for a while, or alternate manual stimulation with mechanical, to allow time for recovery. Enjoy your life as a sexual being!

Sunday, August 30, 2009


Put aside your opinion of infidelity for this one. I am having an affair with a married man. This is not the first time that I've been single and had a married lover. Discretion is the key here. I was married for 20 years to a man I loved and felt was my best friend. We had an understanding that if either of us were to cheat on the other, it better NOT be discovered! Neither of us were jealous having the confidence that we were strong in our relationship and had no need to go looking outside it (or at least would never let the other know we had). It takes much planning and primary consideration for your spouse, if you are going to have an affair. You cannot risk STDs, evidence that can be discovered, nor guilt about your actions. You must BE THERE for your spouse, if there is ANY need at all. If you violate any of these, you WILL be found out and someone will be hurt. But what if your spouse never finds out and you have your affair? Who is hurt by this?

We met online on a community oriented website. We emailed back and forth and IM'd once before actually meeting. It was understood that he was to come to my house and complete some repairs (for no compensation) and we would get an idea whether or not it would move to a more affectionate arrangement. He came over the first time and we talked about repairs needed, about each other's lives and where we were at the moment. I cooked him dinner. and we talked some more about our beliefs and ideas. We found much in common. And we kissed at the end of the evening before parting, and confirmed that we both were attracted to each other. He left with us both wanting more.

The next week he came and did several repairs around the house, which was glorious since I couldn't do them. Then we sat on the couch and necked for a while. I massaged his back as he had worked very hard and was sore. We kissed and touched and generally explored each other. Nothing more intimate than 'third base' but we had waited too long to really get into anything sexual before he had to go home to his wife and family. I thought it was going very well. We were taking it slow (almost too slow for me!) and he was very a very sweet and gentle lover with a lot of smoldering passion that was VERY exciting and stimulating.

Then for several weeks there was always something that came up to prevent him (WS) from coming to see me until last Saturday, 8/29/09, only four days after my blissful encounter with BT. "What!" you say..."you would have sex with another man four days after BT? the man you supposedly love?" Yes. BT and I are not exclusive. He does not include me in his day-to-day life in the DR. So why not?

Saturday, 8/29: WS is due to arrive around 2PM. I have been up all night and had just fallen asleep at 7AM.I text him to his phone and ask if he could postpone for an hour for me to get a little more sleep? He text me back "Would you like breakfast in bed?" I text "That would be lovely. The doors unlocked." (NOTE: I sleep naked. It saves time when I have hot flashes at night. I can just throw off the covers, cool down, then pull the covers back on and go back to sleep. My hot flashes last about 4-5 mins. but will wake me from a sound sleep. You learn to live with it.)

So WS arrives around 1PM with breakfast from a local diner (he was going to cook for me but decided that this would be better). Then he proceeded to feed me breakfast! I have never been pampered like this. The luxury of not having to cook breakfast or even feed myself. With affectionate kisses in between. (NOTE: I was nude with only bed covers in between me and him.) After I finished the eggs & cheese, with some whole wheat toast & several bites of ham (I don't usually eat bread or breakfast meats), I sipped my coffee and we talked casually.

I then asked him if he would massage my neck and shoulders, as I had suffered from a stiff neck for two days now. He was more than eager and has very good hands. This led to revealing more of my naked body as I lay on my stomach and he massaged away my tension. His hands on my bare skin, the soothing slickness of the lotion, and our heightened arousal...all led to us having our first sexual encounter. He was very sensual, generous, and showed great control of his orgasm. But once I turned my back to him, with his body spooned up against mine and we did it doggie style, he lost all control (can you blame him?).

He said he was so sorry that I hadn't cum. I said, "No worries. You can watch and help me orgasm." and he said he'd like that very much. So I brought out my new sex toy, the Relentless Rabbit, and we both enjoyed my orgasm. He said that he would have to work on giving me an orgasm and that I had to not limit myself with thoughts that "I can't have an orgasm except 'this way or that'...." I told him that I am always open to accepting stimulation as it happens during sex. (What I would like is to cum once for every time my partner cums. That would great!) We lay in bed most of the afternoon and into the evening. We talked about his wife being distant sexually to him, her clingy need to revolve around him, the loss of their 21 yo son a year ago in an auto accident and the losses I have suffered (husband, brother, mother & father). We both feel that you have to be thankful for each day and enjoy the joy that enters your life. We are sharing some joy, pleasure, human connection, happiness,...without any burden or expectations. Then he took a shower and left, kissing me goodbye before he left.

No matter your opinion of cheating, we all need human contact. We need to be desired, to have our thoughts and ideas listened to, to be encouraged that we matter...that our existence is important. Being confident in who you are, having self esteem, and projecting your dreams and desires into your reality...will bring you that which you desire. You can only hope that you give joy into the universe and try your hardest not to hurt anyone in the process. I am not here to prove or justify what is right or wrong...I give love unconditionally out into the universe and have received joy and comfort in return, without really expecting it. A regular sex life is a wonderful thing!

Friday, August 28, 2009


I am still floating in the afterglow of a mutually satisfying sexual encounter. BT arrived at my door on Monday at 5PM. We hadn't seen each other since May 12th, when we spent 90 minutes together (a much shorter time than originally planned). Before that we had not been together for two years. So you can understand why I am still glowing after our 17 hours we spent together this week!

We kissed and said hello and after a short tour of my new home, we went back to my bedroom and got naked. BT and I have a powerful sexual attraction for each other and for the next three hours we had sex three times, with short naps in between for him. The sex is so good and intense. The naps were understandable since he HAD just put his three children (all in college) on a plane to Boston after spending the week in Orlando with them and drove 2 hours to get to me. We cuddled and he told me about a shake up at work, about his refusal to sign a new contract, and plans to leave and start his own company. All this to happen in the next week or so. I realized that if this relationship is to move forward, I will have to visit the Santo Domingo (DR) and see for myself why he loves it there so much. He has no intension of moving back to the states to live (at least at this point in his life).

We ordered pizza and watched THE WATCHMEN DVD which he had with him and I had not seen as yet. It was an interesting "comic book" movie done in the dark, violent tradition of SIN CITY and set in the 1980s (as much as I could tell). It was a very long movie but enjoyable. This one had some of everything in it; love story, chop-socky 'matrix' fight scenes, good pyrotechnics, flawed heroes galore, and a little humor here and there. BT fell asleep while we held hands watching the movie. At midnight we went to bed, naked and spooning...mmm, such a lovely way to sleep, that is if I did sleep, which I didn't much. Sex is easy, sleeping together isn't. BT does not snore very loudly, thankfully, but I'm just not use to sleeping with anyone anymore. But even in sleeplessness, I love to hear him breathe and listen to the low rumble of his snoring. It's comforting, knowing that no bears will attack (LOL).

I had set the alarm for 6AM to get some "morning wood" action and though his flesh was willing with a little hand work from me, he would not wake up enough to have sex. I accepted defeat for the moment and rolled over with my back to he rolled over to spoon and envelop me with him strong arms. I dozed for a while until I felt his "flesh" becoming aroused all by itself (which is one of the BEST ways to be awakened in my book). We had sex for the fourth time and after his finish, I said, "OK, my turn. Do you want to watch me cum?" He said an enthusiastic YES! and I got out my new toy (a finger vibrator). He had orgasmed four times and not once for me, as I need direct stimulation. He spooned up behind me, touching me, kissing/biting my neck/ears...after about 20 minutes, I asked him to give me his oral attention, at which he is exceedingly good. Then after 20 more minutes, I became too overstimulated, feeling my blood pressure rise and hyperventilating, so I asked him to stop so I could rest. It is the best you can feel without actually having an orgasm. As soon as I had recovered a normal heart rate and breathing, I brought out my other new toy...the Relentless Rabbit. An improvement over the original and it did the trick within 15 minutes...with BT giving much attention to my body. He was quite happy to see me orgasm (as was I!). He then asked for oral attention from me as he knows I am glad to give him a happy ending. I enjoy it almost as much as he does. We cuddled some more and then took a shower together (another great level of intimacy for us). Then all too soon, it was time for him to go.

17 hours of bliss. As he walked towards his rental in the driveway, I told him "I love you"...he said "Love you too." That was the first time we'd said it since he arrived. Words do not speak as loudly as actions, nor the way someone makes you feel. I can live with that for now.

Friday, August 14, 2009


Now that I finally know that BT is coming on the 24th, I almost can't stand the wait. 10 days and counting!

He and I met online (8/20/05) through when I was a paying member after he sent me the first contact email. This was just before Hurricane Katrina brushed Florida and went on to demolish New Orleans. He had been divorced a couple years and was living in Santo Domingo in the Dominican Republic. Originally from the Boston area, he was GM of a plant in Santo Domingo. He would fly every two weeks to Boston to visit with his three children and would fly through Miami International Airport.

The first time I met him, was during one of his layovers at MIA. We had been emailing and IM'g for about ten days before he had a 90 minute stop at MIA and wanted to meet me. Through a series of mis-communications (something that seems to plague us throughout our relationship), I was in the wrong area of the airport and my cellphone was useless to call him. I finally found him and was so upset at all the time that was wasted that I cried. He was so gentle and caring...he took me aside to a spot that was more private, and he held me, hugged me, and then we kissed (monumental, fireworks, earthshaking...WOW kisses!). We did this for about 15 minutes before they called for his flight to Boston. I walked him to his gate and watched him until he disappeared from view. That was the first of many short encounters, with long separations and some emails and IMs in between.

April 2007, we spent 48 hours in a hotel room across from Miami Airport. The longest time we had had together in two years of brief encounters and long silences. BT had been assigned additional plants to supervise, one in Honduras. I was very worried about his safety. I decided to tell him that I loved him and let him off the hook about telling me back. I just wanted him to know that I loved him. I emailed him while he was in flight that I was afraid that I had scared him by telling him. He emailed me that telling me hadn't scared him, it had only made him want to be back with me even more than before. Then I didn't hear a word from him for three months! No email replies, no IM replies. I was so worried that something had happened and no one there knew to notify me about it. I finally emailed his work email and got a response. One that ripped my guts out. He had found someone in SD and they had been seeing each other for two months! I cried for three days. I was devastated. I had finally found that I could love someone after losing George, only to lose that love to someone more convenient...a local. It took me a long time to recover.

August 2008, I received an email from BT after more than a year of silence. He was re-establishing contact with me at one of the lowest times in my life. I wasn't able to meet with him as he flew through MIA (I had no transportation at the time and was living in a spare room at my sister's). His company had cut back on travel expenses and he only flew to Boston every six weeks or so, if then. He was traveling much more for business than to visit his kids. In one of his emails he said it was nice to know he had such a good friend "with benefits" in Florida. We IM'd and emailed, signing with 'Love ya.' Then we met in May 2009 for a short encounter during a layover at Orlando Airport. I still love him and will take what ever pleasure I can get from his company. Life is is good.

Saturday, August 08, 2009


I started taking REZMelt a month ago (7/3). It's dissolve-on-your-tongue Resveritrol tablets. I got them for a free trial (which was to be two weeks, but in an accounting accident, I got two orders and just paid the S&H). Very tasty and easy to remember to let two of them dissolve on my tongue in the morning when I got up. So...I finished them on Tuesday. I lost 7 lbs in the month I took them, without doing anything different.

On July 28th, I finally received my free trial of Sensa. It is a two month supply that you use every day for a 30 day free trial (only pay S&H), but if you want to continue past the 30 days, you pay $90 for the two month supply and then you let them know when you want the next shipment to keep you on track. I've lost 8 lbs in 11 days! Sensa is a combination of "tastants" (their word for the seasonings) that you sprinkle on your food...ALL the food you eat (except soups or smoothies/drinks). There's one sprinkle for salty and one for sweet. You use the month's shakers (there's two so you can take one with you and leave one at home) and then you discard it when you start using the next month's supply. The "tastants" change each month so you don't get use to them.

It works through your sense of smell and taste, telling your body that you are full. (Sensa...senses...Duh! hello!) You start to eat less without any effort. I haven't really noticed that I'm eating less but the I have lost a total of 15 lbs since July 6th. I don't care how it works, and as long as there's no bad stuff in it...I'm using it! They are even in the process of removing a slight dye they had in the sprinkles so you could see it on the food, just to accommodate those with allergies to Yellow food dye. There's a community set up with forums for support.

I figured I'd try it in combination with other things that are suppose to stimulate weight loss. Food journal, Resveritrol, increased activity, and the Sensa. It's working, and that's what matters.


Some people know that they are allergic to latex. They break out on their skin wherever a bandage/bandaid touches. Or they discovered the hard way by trial and error, that their allergy extends to latex condoms and more!

I knew I was allergic to latex but never made the connection. I was married for 20 years and didn't need to use condoms. Before that, I was having sex in the late 70s, early 80s and there wasn't any great need to protect against STDs, just pregnancy. The few times I did use a condom during sex, it felt rough inside me. I didn't think anything of it, just thought that was what it was suppose to feel like (a stick poking me!). I rarely had partners that only penetrated once to completion, but had repeat sessions and used many condoms. If it was more than 3 times, I would be sore for days. Didn't want any more sex until it subsided. I NEVER made the connection!

It was not until I was back out into the dating scene after 20 years and scared to death of the mutant STDs now out I insisted on condoms! When I finally HAD sex (more on that later), I insisted he use a condom for me to perform oral. Well, low and behold, I next day I ended up with a sore throat, mouth, tongue, and the edges of my mouth. DING! DING! the light went on! We only had one session so I was only slightly sore down there. I immediately started researching online if there were any non-latex condoms on the market. And the answer is yes.

You have two choices (actually three, but one is not a choice for me). You can use lambskin, which will protect you from pregnancy but not STDs! There is ONLY one size made in polypropelene (vinyl/rubber - non-latex). There are NO MAGNUMS!! NO larger than average non-latex condoms out there! There are condoms FOR WOMEN that are non-latex (not my choice!). Even sex toys were limited to ONE that was non-latex!

Things are improving. There are now two manufacturers making non-latex condoms, but no large sizes yet. There are more non-latex sex toys out there than three years ago. (Imagine - allergic to your vibrator/dildo?!)

Let's hope that the market catches up with the demand soon. For all us girls who know that size matters and prefer more than above average. (wink, wink)

Saturday, July 25, 2009


Today I was to have a visit from my new potential lover who is a married man. I postponed it until next week. I did not want him to see me like this, especially at the beginning of a relationship.

Last Saturday I bought a lawnmower and Monday I mowed the entire lawn. The first time I have had the need to mow in 20 years! I used muscles that were to say the least, out of shape. I didn't feel it until Wednesday, when it became difficult to take a deep breath without stabbing pains shooting through the right side of my upper back, ribs, and shoulder. So I realized I had overworked some muscles and pulled my spine out of alignment between my shoulder blades. Since my chiropractor is 140 miles away and my unemployment check isn't deposited until next Friday, I have to suffer and make do until then. My hot flashes are back again too, to add insult to injury (literally!). I get one every couple of hours and during the day it's not a problem. At night, they wake me up, for a five minute internal sauna and then I have to try to get back to sleep. It can make for fitful sleeping and uncontrollable, unpredictable crying jags for me the next day. Why would I want to expose anyone to that?!

So back to Mr. Married Man. I met him through an online community and we got to talking and flirting as friends. He offered his home improvement skills at my disposal after I eluded to being as interested in him as he was in me, and not being bothered by his being married. I have had an affair with a married man before while I was single and it worked out fine. We are still friends to this day and his wife (nor anyone else) ever knew, but us. I am discreet and I know this will not be for the long term and as I have stated before, I get what pleasure and joy I am offered in this life (as long as it doesn't harm anyone else). I'm taking this slow and we haven't done anything but a little kissing; after he fixed my leaky shower and installed my ceiling fan and I fixed him dinner which we enjoyed together. He's a passionate younger (Latin) man and very respectful. I like him. He wants more sex than his wife desires. He takes care of business at home, sees to her needs, and his children's needs. If I can get mutually satisfying sex once a week and my honey-do list done, I think that is a win-win situation for both of us for as long as it lasts.

I haven't heard a word from BT in a week. I have been writing to him every day letting him know how much I love him and miss him. I get silence. I know he's busy, but it takes so little from him to brighten my day. An email or IM that just says "love you" is enough for me to float the rest of the day. I know, a bit juvenile for a widow grandmother of 52 but it FEELS SO GOOD to be loved by someone. I can hardly wait until August and his visit.

That's all for now. If you have any questions or comments, feel free. I will respond as soon as humanly possible. Go forth and be happy!!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009



I hate calling it a "diet" as I'm just adjusting my eating habits and trying to lose the weight I've gained (over the past four months AND over the past 18 or so years!). I do eat healthy but I know that my body has changed since I started going through menopause.

TRUTH: Hormones are an important factor in weight gain.

Whether you are young or old, male or female, rich or poor, live in the north, south, east or west, your weight is effected by your hormones, and depends on if they are in balance or out of balance. (Speaking from personal experience.)
can take a 12 year old pudgy girl of 4'11" and in one summer, remake her body into a knock-out, drop-dead 13 year old of 5'2" without much attention being paid by her. Birth control pills can put on 20-30 pounds without any change in eating or exercise (since they convince your body that you ARE pregnant!).
is when your hormones are on overdrive. The only hope you have is to be more active than ever for many reasons: 1) It will help keep the weight gain down to YOUR minimum. Don't go by others' pregnancies or even your past ones, 2) You will need to build up your strength for the coming baby not try to catch up after, 3) The increased activity will help in getting you involved outside of yourself, improve your attitude, curb mood swings, and help reduce your cravings. This is general advice and for those who are healthy enough to be more active while pregnant.
Menopause changes everything! What worked before, doesn't work now (more about this later on). Tastes change, the effects on your body of food and exercise changes, personality changes, and attitudes change. An extra 10 or 20 pounds above what the "average" is IS NOT a bad thing, it's normal. But weight gain is too easy at this stage and weight loss is next to impossible for some.
NOTE; Men go through these stages too. All of them! Take before and after pregnancy pictures of the "dad" and you'll see what I mean. (This applies to the men who stick around and are involved with their wives/gf/baby's moma during the pregnancy.) Weight gain is effected by hormones.

TRUTH: Genetics can make it impossible for you to ever be a size 0!

You have to be honest with yourself. Look at your relatives and ancestors. Your mother and father and their parents are good indicators of what you will look like when you are older. Don't try to look like Twiggy (size 0) if your mom looks like Mae West (size 16) and for those too young to know who they are, go by the sizes, okay. Be happy with what you were given and work to be strong and healthy (even at size 18!). And forget looking like the supermodels, they are all over 5'9", which is 5 inches over the average height for women!

LIE: If you follow this diet, you'll lose 15 pounds in 30 days! (Or one time truth)

I have found that fad diets, diet pills, short-term meal plans, diet programs (Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, NutriSystem, etc...) ONLY WORK ONCE! Whatever they change in your regular eating habits and whatever they DO to your fat cells (and god knows what else in your body), IT ONLY WORKS THAT ONE TIME. If in a few years (or months) you put the weight back on (or more), it won't work a second time. Your only hope is to find a LIFE DIET that you can follow every day for the rest of your life (barring any hormonal disruptions...see above). If you can find a LIFE DIET that works for you, then you can add and subtract things as you and your body change. Organic and raw foods are the key. Vegetable and fruits the main ingredients. Meats, fish, poultry, and other proteins should also be organic (preservative-free, hormone-free, antibiotic-free...these things are killing us as a nation). Starving yourself, eating foods you don't normally eat, or portions that are too small to satisfy your body's daily needs are all methods that contribute to failure in dieting and weight loss. Proportions made smaller gradually, eliminating one thing (bad) at a time over time, LEAVING SOME ON YOUR PLATE (one of the hardest things to do), eating when you are hungry, training your body to be hungry at certain times, and eating slower so you know you are full before you stop eating, will help with your LIFE DIET.

LIE: This diet will make you lose weight without even exercising!

Exercise is necessary to maintain or lose weight. As you get older (especially over 40!!), you have to exercise MORE to maintain or lose weight. When you are under 40, your metabolism is operating at a higher efficiency. After 40, it declines, so you have to do more to just stay at the weight you are at, if you are still eating the same way. The more sedentary you become (couch potato, lay like broccoli...), the more weight you will gain and in all the wrong places. You must move! MOVE! Move 5 hours every day. That is 20 minutes out of every hour (that most people are awake). If you walk in the grocery store or shopping for an hour, then you can sit at your computer for 3 hours or watch a movie and tv for 3 hours. Recommendations are that you do 30 minutes a day of cardiovascular exercise...raising your heart rate with a brisk walk, bike ride, swimming laps, low impact aerobics, yard work...find what works for you. Dancing is great (dance like nobody is watching for an hour every other day!). MOVE! and keep moving and be thankful that you CAN move.

LIE: Everybody should see the same results in 6 weeks. (Half-truth told about exercise CD/DVDs, equipment, and devices, except those that "do it for you" which are total LIES.)

If you do ANY kind of exercise consistently for six weeks, you will see results!! The results will not be the same for everybody, but there will be a difference in your body from the time you started to the change in six weeks. Everybody will have some strength improvement (as long as there are no underlying medical problems). That alone will improve your attitude and outlook. So MOVE!, start doing some kind of physical movement every day. In a month and a half, you'll see some difference and feel better!

TRUTH: No diet works for everyone. We are all individuals with different needs and wants.

Be careful what you put in your body. Listen to your body and pay attention to what you crave and when, when you are hungry and if you eat when you are NOT hungry. Social situations, emotional upset, habits from upbringing, stress-filled days, economic stress to name a few, can all influence how and what you eat. If you have more weight on your body than you feel is healthy, start paying attention to your body. You are worth it! Try to eat more natural foods, less refined/packaged/convenient/processed/fastfoods...and any change, no matter how small, will result in an improvement you will notice. And the more you try, the better it will be and easier it will become. If you change one thing a week, in two months, that's eight things you've changed. Believe me...YOU WILL SEE IMPROVEMENT. And don't beat yourself up when you splurge, just get back on track the next day. A little reward for effort every once in a while is needed.

Sunday, July 12, 2009


Communication. It is necessary, sometimes vague, misunderstood, subtle, loud, confused...but what would we do without it? I think that I'm a good communicator partly because I'm a good listener. I'm open and honest, but I also try my best to be diplomatic during times that involve hurting someone's feelings. But when it comes to telling someone how much you love them and how much you miss them when they are not there. How much communication is too much?

Women seem to go overboard on communicating their feelings, especially to men. Women are much more emotional and verbal than men, so it stands to reason that this happens. When you get to your 40s or 50s, you should have gone through enough emotional and verbal growth to be able to control your emotions and be able to verbalize without gushing. Well, that's a load of crap when you fall head over heels in love with someone that you feel is perfect for you.

So now I'm emailing or IM'ing BT once a day. I am showing restraint, really I am. I could easily go overboard in the outpouring of affection expression. He makes me giddy. I was IM'ing a new female friend of mine (Yvonne) today and he messaged me. My heart leapt and a giddy grin crept onto my face. It was a short exchange between me and his blackberry as he ended a meal out with friends. Four and a half hours later and I'm still grinning and floating on the high of his communicating with me that he thinks about me. I hadn't heard anything since Monday and I figured he was traveling on business all week. I still sent him emails and pictures to remind him of me, and to let him know that he is on my mind.

Is this any way for a 52 year old widowed grandmother to act? You bet your ass it is! Communication is a great thing.

Friday, July 10, 2009


And the saying goes...Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Any day can be a turning point in your life.

Today I started a food journal to record everything I eat, every day and when. (It has been proven that those with food diaries lose weight faster than those without.)

I have decided that in order to "move" 5 hours a day that you have to "move" 20 minutes out of every hour of being sedentary. So if you "move" for an hour, you can be still for 3 hours. An hour workout earns you a movie and an hour and a half, or so of computer time. Or you could get up and purposely dance, sweep, rake or whatever, 20 minutes out of every hour. If I work in the garden or at yardwork for 2 hours, I've earned 6 hours of couch-potato-time. Now that I have the concept equated in my mind, I can do this.

Today I completed my application to enter a Master's program with an online university. I still have to apply for financial aid and get approved to pay for it but I started the ball rolling. I was dropped from the graduate programs at FAU in 2004 after failing to complete the degree in a timely manner (which really didn't apply since I was working on two Master's degrees, one being a terminal degree like a PhD). This was the last straw of all the complications that had happened since my husband's death in October 2002...the semester I was to graduate with my first Master's degree. I have taken the first step towards earning at least one.

I have started sending emails or an instant message to BT every day, to let him know that I think about him every day. That he's on my mind. I love him and I want him to know how much. A new friend of mine said out loud what I had thought but not acted on. I was afraid I would scare him away or overwhelm him. Afraid that daily contact would make me look needy or that I might be a psycho-bitch waiting to explode. When Yvonne said I should let him know how I feel, I knew she as right, no matter how it turned out. I have been hurt once by BT and I was just protecting myself against it happening again by not reaching out to him but waiting until he contacted me. He is a busy executive, with a stressful schedule and a multitude of responsibilities as his daily routine. He is also 300 miles away from me, and I am out-of-sight, out-of-mind. It has been pointed out to me recently that men tend to forget what they can't see...being the visual creatures they are. We have a long distance relationship with short visits which are few and far between. But those times we are together are events when time stops, stress stops, and we are in feels like it's where I should be at that moment. The sex is the best but we are also comfortable with each other. We are communicating more now then ever before and I am very hopeful.

Each day we are given a new opportunity to find happiness. Today is the first day...

Tuesday, June 30, 2009


They do work. Perception is reality. I am healthy. I enjoy exercising every day. Every cell in my body is whole and vital. I easily maintain my perfect body weight. Believe it...Be it!

Friday, June 19, 2009


Hi, all you animal lovers! Click to feed rescued animals!

This is pretty simple... Please ask ten friends to each ask a further ten today!

The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily so they can meet their quota of getting FREE FOOD donated every day to abused and neglected animals. It takes less than a minute (about 15 seconds) to go to their site and click on the purple box 'Click Here to Give. It's Free!'. This doesn't cost you a thing.

Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising.
Here's the web site! Please pass it along to people you know.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009


While going through the 600 bulletins on the Bulletin Board (BB) at (an online community) early this morning, I came across a notice to report and ban a member because "he's a sick f**k" and to look at his profile was "not for the faint of heart." Considering myself quite stoic and strong-willed, I clicked on the link in the bulletin to see what was so controversial.
This member has posted a picture of a dead (and mutilated) soldier as his profile picture. He has also posted many more graphic images of mutilation and acts of war. These are ugly and profound. I am conflicted in how I feel about his right to express his opinion in a public forum and the sensitivity of exposing the public to such graphic images without a warning (other than the person who posted the link on the BB). I expressed this conflict in my statement of the day: "Lark the Shark (Mafia Wars) is conflicted over the outrage on the BB. A member has posted pics of the horror of war. Free speech is what our troops are fighting for over there."
I prepared myself for a flood of venom directed towards me, but so far I've only gotten this email conversation, much to my pleasant surprise:
K: I think there is a diff between freedom of speech and disrespect. The pics he has on there are horrible. I understand freedom of speech, but I just really have a problem just plastering pics of a dead soldier.
Mass public opinion will ban him from the sight. Those that rally the support will fight him until he gives up and goes somewhere else to express his opinion (or cause outrage). And it is my opinion that the US government disrespects us in not giving us the truth. With the media's support, we are manipulated and lied to all the time. I saw it and now I choose not to ever look at his profile again. Not to give him validation. Not to engage him. All that does is fuel his need for attention and controversy. He does have the right to express his opinion on a public forum, no matter how much I object. I certainly don't want to see his pictures. I'm a visual artist and anything I SEE is in my brain forever. But there is no denying that while I object to war, I can still support our troops being over there and doing whatever it takes to secure our freedoms here. There are always atrocities in war. No one escapes blame. But our country is based on the freedom to disagree, to have an opinion opposite of the popular, and to demand accountability (whether we get it or not). There should be some kind of a warning, if he invites someone to his site. This should be put in place by the site managers. When you get to his page, it should say that there is graphic material, just as it should say for some of the profiles that have pornographic images in their comments and tags. But someone performing a sexual act is not filtered any more than the picture of the dead soldier. I am in conflict.
K: You make some very good points. I wish I hadn't seen what I did. I keep seeing it over and over in my head. I am purely disgusted by it. but you are right. He has the right but I still clicked report profile. Thank you for sharing your views on this. You helped me see this in a diff light.
Thank you for being an intelligent, open-minded person. I am sometimes afraid to take a stand because of all the extremists out there. It's scary to have an opinion that doesn't march with the crowd. We don't want to see the ugly side of life, the cruel, the grotesque...if war is softened and presented as righteous...when will it ever stop? Have you ever seen the pictures from the Nazi concentration camps? I was in 8th grade when I saw a documentary on it. THOSE images are still in my head, just as if I saw them today. Just because I don't want to look at it, doesn't mean it's not there.
K: That is very true. We as a society have become very desensitized and it's sad. I don't want to become callous to the horrors that happen. But I also don't want to just turn my cheek at it either. Activisim is something I feel very strongly about, I just have never taken a political stand. It's always been for the animals.
I have thoroughly enjoyed our conversation.
Thank you!