Saturday, July 25, 2009


Today I was to have a visit from my new potential lover who is a married man. I postponed it until next week. I did not want him to see me like this, especially at the beginning of a relationship.

Last Saturday I bought a lawnmower and Monday I mowed the entire lawn. The first time I have had the need to mow in 20 years! I used muscles that were to say the least, out of shape. I didn't feel it until Wednesday, when it became difficult to take a deep breath without stabbing pains shooting through the right side of my upper back, ribs, and shoulder. So I realized I had overworked some muscles and pulled my spine out of alignment between my shoulder blades. Since my chiropractor is 140 miles away and my unemployment check isn't deposited until next Friday, I have to suffer and make do until then. My hot flashes are back again too, to add insult to injury (literally!). I get one every couple of hours and during the day it's not a problem. At night, they wake me up, for a five minute internal sauna and then I have to try to get back to sleep. It can make for fitful sleeping and uncontrollable, unpredictable crying jags for me the next day. Why would I want to expose anyone to that?!

So back to Mr. Married Man. I met him through an online community and we got to talking and flirting as friends. He offered his home improvement skills at my disposal after I eluded to being as interested in him as he was in me, and not being bothered by his being married. I have had an affair with a married man before while I was single and it worked out fine. We are still friends to this day and his wife (nor anyone else) ever knew, but us. I am discreet and I know this will not be for the long term and as I have stated before, I get what pleasure and joy I am offered in this life (as long as it doesn't harm anyone else). I'm taking this slow and we haven't done anything but a little kissing; after he fixed my leaky shower and installed my ceiling fan and I fixed him dinner which we enjoyed together. He's a passionate younger (Latin) man and very respectful. I like him. He wants more sex than his wife desires. He takes care of business at home, sees to her needs, and his children's needs. If I can get mutually satisfying sex once a week and my honey-do list done, I think that is a win-win situation for both of us for as long as it lasts.

I haven't heard a word from BT in a week. I have been writing to him every day letting him know how much I love him and miss him. I get silence. I know he's busy, but it takes so little from him to brighten my day. An email or IM that just says "love you" is enough for me to float the rest of the day. I know, a bit juvenile for a widow grandmother of 52 but it FEELS SO GOOD to be loved by someone. I can hardly wait until August and his visit.

That's all for now. If you have any questions or comments, feel free. I will respond as soon as humanly possible. Go forth and be happy!!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009



I hate calling it a "diet" as I'm just adjusting my eating habits and trying to lose the weight I've gained (over the past four months AND over the past 18 or so years!). I do eat healthy but I know that my body has changed since I started going through menopause.

TRUTH: Hormones are an important factor in weight gain.

Whether you are young or old, male or female, rich or poor, live in the north, south, east or west, your weight is effected by your hormones, and depends on if they are in balance or out of balance. (Speaking from personal experience.)
can take a 12 year old pudgy girl of 4'11" and in one summer, remake her body into a knock-out, drop-dead 13 year old of 5'2" without much attention being paid by her. Birth control pills can put on 20-30 pounds without any change in eating or exercise (since they convince your body that you ARE pregnant!).
is when your hormones are on overdrive. The only hope you have is to be more active than ever for many reasons: 1) It will help keep the weight gain down to YOUR minimum. Don't go by others' pregnancies or even your past ones, 2) You will need to build up your strength for the coming baby not try to catch up after, 3) The increased activity will help in getting you involved outside of yourself, improve your attitude, curb mood swings, and help reduce your cravings. This is general advice and for those who are healthy enough to be more active while pregnant.
Menopause changes everything! What worked before, doesn't work now (more about this later on). Tastes change, the effects on your body of food and exercise changes, personality changes, and attitudes change. An extra 10 or 20 pounds above what the "average" is IS NOT a bad thing, it's normal. But weight gain is too easy at this stage and weight loss is next to impossible for some.
NOTE; Men go through these stages too. All of them! Take before and after pregnancy pictures of the "dad" and you'll see what I mean. (This applies to the men who stick around and are involved with their wives/gf/baby's moma during the pregnancy.) Weight gain is effected by hormones.

TRUTH: Genetics can make it impossible for you to ever be a size 0!

You have to be honest with yourself. Look at your relatives and ancestors. Your mother and father and their parents are good indicators of what you will look like when you are older. Don't try to look like Twiggy (size 0) if your mom looks like Mae West (size 16) and for those too young to know who they are, go by the sizes, okay. Be happy with what you were given and work to be strong and healthy (even at size 18!). And forget looking like the supermodels, they are all over 5'9", which is 5 inches over the average height for women!

LIE: If you follow this diet, you'll lose 15 pounds in 30 days! (Or one time truth)

I have found that fad diets, diet pills, short-term meal plans, diet programs (Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, NutriSystem, etc...) ONLY WORK ONCE! Whatever they change in your regular eating habits and whatever they DO to your fat cells (and god knows what else in your body), IT ONLY WORKS THAT ONE TIME. If in a few years (or months) you put the weight back on (or more), it won't work a second time. Your only hope is to find a LIFE DIET that you can follow every day for the rest of your life (barring any hormonal disruptions...see above). If you can find a LIFE DIET that works for you, then you can add and subtract things as you and your body change. Organic and raw foods are the key. Vegetable and fruits the main ingredients. Meats, fish, poultry, and other proteins should also be organic (preservative-free, hormone-free, antibiotic-free...these things are killing us as a nation). Starving yourself, eating foods you don't normally eat, or portions that are too small to satisfy your body's daily needs are all methods that contribute to failure in dieting and weight loss. Proportions made smaller gradually, eliminating one thing (bad) at a time over time, LEAVING SOME ON YOUR PLATE (one of the hardest things to do), eating when you are hungry, training your body to be hungry at certain times, and eating slower so you know you are full before you stop eating, will help with your LIFE DIET.

LIE: This diet will make you lose weight without even exercising!

Exercise is necessary to maintain or lose weight. As you get older (especially over 40!!), you have to exercise MORE to maintain or lose weight. When you are under 40, your metabolism is operating at a higher efficiency. After 40, it declines, so you have to do more to just stay at the weight you are at, if you are still eating the same way. The more sedentary you become (couch potato, lay like broccoli...), the more weight you will gain and in all the wrong places. You must move! MOVE! Move 5 hours every day. That is 20 minutes out of every hour (that most people are awake). If you walk in the grocery store or shopping for an hour, then you can sit at your computer for 3 hours or watch a movie and tv for 3 hours. Recommendations are that you do 30 minutes a day of cardiovascular exercise...raising your heart rate with a brisk walk, bike ride, swimming laps, low impact aerobics, yard work...find what works for you. Dancing is great (dance like nobody is watching for an hour every other day!). MOVE! and keep moving and be thankful that you CAN move.

LIE: Everybody should see the same results in 6 weeks. (Half-truth told about exercise CD/DVDs, equipment, and devices, except those that "do it for you" which are total LIES.)

If you do ANY kind of exercise consistently for six weeks, you will see results!! The results will not be the same for everybody, but there will be a difference in your body from the time you started to the change in six weeks. Everybody will have some strength improvement (as long as there are no underlying medical problems). That alone will improve your attitude and outlook. So MOVE!, start doing some kind of physical movement every day. In a month and a half, you'll see some difference and feel better!

TRUTH: No diet works for everyone. We are all individuals with different needs and wants.

Be careful what you put in your body. Listen to your body and pay attention to what you crave and when, when you are hungry and if you eat when you are NOT hungry. Social situations, emotional upset, habits from upbringing, stress-filled days, economic stress to name a few, can all influence how and what you eat. If you have more weight on your body than you feel is healthy, start paying attention to your body. You are worth it! Try to eat more natural foods, less refined/packaged/convenient/processed/fastfoods...and any change, no matter how small, will result in an improvement you will notice. And the more you try, the better it will be and easier it will become. If you change one thing a week, in two months, that's eight things you've changed. Believe me...YOU WILL SEE IMPROVEMENT. And don't beat yourself up when you splurge, just get back on track the next day. A little reward for effort every once in a while is needed.

Sunday, July 12, 2009


Communication. It is necessary, sometimes vague, misunderstood, subtle, loud, confused...but what would we do without it? I think that I'm a good communicator partly because I'm a good listener. I'm open and honest, but I also try my best to be diplomatic during times that involve hurting someone's feelings. But when it comes to telling someone how much you love them and how much you miss them when they are not there. How much communication is too much?

Women seem to go overboard on communicating their feelings, especially to men. Women are much more emotional and verbal than men, so it stands to reason that this happens. When you get to your 40s or 50s, you should have gone through enough emotional and verbal growth to be able to control your emotions and be able to verbalize without gushing. Well, that's a load of crap when you fall head over heels in love with someone that you feel is perfect for you.

So now I'm emailing or IM'ing BT once a day. I am showing restraint, really I am. I could easily go overboard in the outpouring of affection expression. He makes me giddy. I was IM'ing a new female friend of mine (Yvonne) today and he messaged me. My heart leapt and a giddy grin crept onto my face. It was a short exchange between me and his blackberry as he ended a meal out with friends. Four and a half hours later and I'm still grinning and floating on the high of his communicating with me that he thinks about me. I hadn't heard anything since Monday and I figured he was traveling on business all week. I still sent him emails and pictures to remind him of me, and to let him know that he is on my mind.

Is this any way for a 52 year old widowed grandmother to act? You bet your ass it is! Communication is a great thing.

Friday, July 10, 2009


And the saying goes...Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Any day can be a turning point in your life.

Today I started a food journal to record everything I eat, every day and when. (It has been proven that those with food diaries lose weight faster than those without.)

I have decided that in order to "move" 5 hours a day that you have to "move" 20 minutes out of every hour of being sedentary. So if you "move" for an hour, you can be still for 3 hours. An hour workout earns you a movie and an hour and a half, or so of computer time. Or you could get up and purposely dance, sweep, rake or whatever, 20 minutes out of every hour. If I work in the garden or at yardwork for 2 hours, I've earned 6 hours of couch-potato-time. Now that I have the concept equated in my mind, I can do this.

Today I completed my application to enter a Master's program with an online university. I still have to apply for financial aid and get approved to pay for it but I started the ball rolling. I was dropped from the graduate programs at FAU in 2004 after failing to complete the degree in a timely manner (which really didn't apply since I was working on two Master's degrees, one being a terminal degree like a PhD). This was the last straw of all the complications that had happened since my husband's death in October 2002...the semester I was to graduate with my first Master's degree. I have taken the first step towards earning at least one.

I have started sending emails or an instant message to BT every day, to let him know that I think about him every day. That he's on my mind. I love him and I want him to know how much. A new friend of mine said out loud what I had thought but not acted on. I was afraid I would scare him away or overwhelm him. Afraid that daily contact would make me look needy or that I might be a psycho-bitch waiting to explode. When Yvonne said I should let him know how I feel, I knew she as right, no matter how it turned out. I have been hurt once by BT and I was just protecting myself against it happening again by not reaching out to him but waiting until he contacted me. He is a busy executive, with a stressful schedule and a multitude of responsibilities as his daily routine. He is also 300 miles away from me, and I am out-of-sight, out-of-mind. It has been pointed out to me recently that men tend to forget what they can't see...being the visual creatures they are. We have a long distance relationship with short visits which are few and far between. But those times we are together are events when time stops, stress stops, and we are in feels like it's where I should be at that moment. The sex is the best but we are also comfortable with each other. We are communicating more now then ever before and I am very hopeful.

Each day we are given a new opportunity to find happiness. Today is the first day...