HAPPY NEW YEAR 2019!

PREFACE
A new year. What joy will this year bring to me? Every day is a new chance for joy. Not just the first day of the new year. But we all see it and mark it as a new beginning.

STORY
This year brings along with it the old problems of the last two years, since #45 was put into the presidency. I resolved last year to "unplug" from the news on the weekends on Friday night and not watch the news again until Sunday night. This gives me a break from the non-stop dumpster fire that is the Trump presidency!

I am also still fighting the effects of PTSD, depression and anxiety, but the need to fight them is getting a little more infrequent. I have tried to start a running count of "days I haven't cried" but can't seem to get past 3 days. I am still broken.

I started a weight loss program in the beginning of November. I've lost 11 lbs, even through the holidays. I'm in my 14th week and I'm going to lose 60 lbs. I am tired of carrying around the extra weight. I'm tired of my joints aching. I'm tired of not being able to do things that I use to do with ease. I'm just tired! This program (Noom) is based online and aligns with my lifestyle. This will be a success!!

CONCLUSION
So with a new year, comes a new outlook. My one resolution this year will be to move forward.

DAY 39: THE DARK PLACE

PREFACE
It is 5:30AM and I'm still awake. My weight loss goal is on hold. The makeup work for my Incomplete grade is on hold and due in 4 weeks. I have letters to request from former supervising professors. I'm at the end of my unemployment year and awaiting word on my new claim year. Then there's income tax to file and my credit to clean up and a credit score to rescue from the dungeon. 'Tis a dark time & a dark place.

STORY
As you suspect, my sleeping patterns have not returned to any resemblance to normal. I'm still staying up til dawn sometimes and sleeping until early afternoon. I'm lucky to get two good meals out of the day and no exercise. The colder days of February has slowed my "lizard-like" metabolism down to a crawl. Motivation to venture out is almost non-existent.

I'm late-night snacking and not following my life diet very well these days. Ian brought packaged food into the house that had thawed from the transportation lag-time and non-cooler storage of the move from Ft. Lauderdale to Sebastian, FL. He's been back down there three or four times in the past week (having trouble adjusting and letting go...which is understandable, since I went through it too when I first moved up here). This IS the farthest he's ever lived away from his known universe. But this has introduced thawed breaded fish sticks & Swedish meatballs, and ThinMints, and many boxes of cereal into my food storage areas. Things that had to be eaten before they spoiled and I was the only one HOME to eat them.

The bright glow of hope in all this is that I have a part time job starting soon with the local college...teaching graphic design!! I am so thrilled! I have to get the rest of the paperwork in to the HR dept., but it's a done deal. I'll be teaching in Ft. Pierce (30 miles away) and maybe in Vero Beach (14 miles away). I am so happy to back to teaching undergrads and back in academia. I've missed it beyond description.

Tied in with the new teaching job is my pursuit of my Master's degree. I have 4 weeks to makeup the work for a passing grade in my first online class; so I can continue with my second class in April and receive my active loan disbursement & loan deferments.

Timing is everything! This job will come at a time when my UE benefits have run out. The ed loan will come when I need a laptop for work and to pay any minimal income tax owed. My credit score will be improved enough to qualify me to buy this house under a magical first-time buyer program. The weight will start to come off and I will get into the best physical shape of my life.

CONCLUSION
Everything will come together, money will be available to pay everything, and this will be the dawning of a wonderfully enlightened time in my life. Stay tuned...

Day 12: 218 AND HOLDING

PREFACE
WEIGH IN: Well I'm relieved to see no weight gain! With all the pizzas and unbalanced meals I consumed over the last two weeks...no weight gain. No weight loss either. I also didn't start my exercise routine of an hour a day. It's been cold/cool but that's no excuse. I have also been keeping vampire hours (going to sleep at dawn and sleeping until 3 or 4PM...What's up with that?). And on top of it all...no sex! for 19 days!

STORY
What happened? Stress...

...no stress relief...My married lover is taking an intense course M-Sat. for green construction practices and it leaves no time for me. I was going to drive down to Miami and get some sex from my boy toy, but the thought of driving 2 1/2 hours and then staying the night in his 3 room efficiency apartment just didn't appeal to me. If I could have afforded a night in a nice hotel, I'd have gone in a heartbeat. If I had REALLY wanted just sex, I could have made arrangements, and it may come to that very soon!

...stress that I put on myself. I was to deliver my painting to the courthouse for public display (public art) on Saturday, January 15th. The art club I belong to exhibits in various locations, and this was one. I had every intention to deliver and hang my huge painting of tree roots with subtle human shapes in them. I LOVE trees. I LOVE photographing trees. I LOVE painting trees. This painting was only under-painted. I had never gone back to finish it. I thought in my mind, "I can get this done this week. Or at least to the point that it can be hung among the other artwork of the art club." Sure. A week to finish a 3' X 4' painting. I think my biggest fear prevented me from finishing it on time. And also contributed to my falling off the 'diet' wagon. I neglected my life diet severely the last two weeks.

My biggest fear is that I will paint some part of a painting and mess it up so bad that I can't fix it. If I don't take the chance of putting my art out there for public criticism, then how will I learn? It's scary. But if I keep my art to myself, then my opinion is the only one I have to worry about. Not a productive attitude. Especially when I WANT to be recognized as a 'real' artist.

CONCLUSION
It was all my own undoing. I guess I just wasn't ready to exhibit. I missed this opportunity but I won't miss the next one. I am painting on my unfinished canvas almost everyday. I'm so use to painting in an inspirational frenzy and then NOT for long periods of time. I have to paint some everyday, even if it's only a square inch!

I have to work on my discipline! Get back to my organic foods, regular meals, regular exercise, regular sleep patterns, and regular sex!! Tomorrow is another day...

DAY TEN: GET BACK ON TRACK

PREFACE
Weigh-in is on Saturday to see if I've lost 10lbs. After 9 days of having 'fallen off the wagon' and not starting my exercise routine...I am still determined to lose 50lbs by March 15th, 2010. I'm very confident that I am moving forward in my efforts.

STORY
The worst breech in my daily effort has been the Domino's pizzas I got and ate all last week. I buy their 3 medium pizzas for $5 each special every two weeks or so. I pig out the night they arrive and then freeze the leftovers for later. Later being the next several days! When I say pig out, I mean 6 or more slices. Now this would be a lot for a large pizza (16") with lots of toppings. But for a medium pizza, with only extra cheese or mushrooms being the added topping, it's not as bad as it sounds. Plus Domino's has started brushing the edge with herbs & garlic, which makes it irresistible. What is it about pizza that is soooo addicting? A friend offered this reason: it's the sugar. Could be...but I'm not giving up sugar! I don't care how much substituting they do, sugar tastes good. I know refined white sugar is bad so I use raw or sugar cane juice sugar instead. I gave up on the chemical sugars because they ARE poison and I don't want them in my body. I avoid white flour like the plague (which is why my addiction to pizza is so WRONG!).

I also made a recipe off the CoolWhip container using the fresh strawberries I bought to make a frozen delight which I used as dessert for 6 days. Each serving was about 300 calories.

CONCLUSION
All in all, I've managed to stay within the 1200-1500 calories/day even though I've been way off in my usual eating habits. The deciding factor in whether I lose this weight is exercise! My intake of calories would barely keep a woman of my height at 150lbs, IF SHE WERE UNDER 40 AND QUITE ACTIVE! I AM NOT THAT STATISTIC. We shall see on Saturday when I weigh in. (And by the way, no sex since last Monday. I would happily use 90 minutes of sex every day for my exercise!!)

KEEPING IT TOGETHER WHILE LOSING IT

PREFACE
Tomorrow is the first day of my goal to lose 50lbs in 10 weeks. I was inspired by watching The Diet Tribe on cable. Five women friends that vowed to lose 50lbs in four months and then compete in a triathalon. I know that I can do better than they did for several reasons.

STORY
I know that I don't have the issues these women had, I have a whole set of different issues to deal with, and I will. None of these women were over 40 years old. They had a personal trainer to instruct them and ride their asses. They were getting paid to do this project so they could afford the healthy foods. I know what it feels like to lose 50lbs and to exercise routinely producing a healthy, fit body. I remember what that feels like and I will feel that again.

I will be documenting my progress with what works for me. If this inspires anyone to try what I do/did and see if it works for them, more power to you. I am of the opinion that each person is unique and what works for me, may not work for you, and vice versa. I have tried many 'diets' and 'magic pills' and 'food plans'...all for naught. My healthy eating habits (life diet) which I have developed over the past six years have not helped me lose weight, but have maintained my weight while my activity has decreased drastically. I have become a 'lump' on the couch or I sit for hours in front of the computer. I need to greatly increase my activity level...in other words, "start working my ass off!" to achieve my weight-loss goal. I will be reporting what I eat and how I've exercised, my hits and misses, stress management, and inspiration.

CONCLUSION
If I am consuming 1200-1500 calories a day and not exercising, I cannot expect to lose weight. My body has become comfortable on reduced caloric intake. It has become comfortable at this weight and now I must make it uncomfortable. I have to use up more calories than I take in, not an easy task. My goal is at least one hour of vigorous exercise a day, with some yoga (new to me) thrown in. Ready, Set...Go!

WILD & WOOLLY WEEKEND

PREFACE
For anyone who's read previous posts, I take mini-vacations when I have a few extra bucks. This is to give myself exposure to a new location, to try out different hotels in different cities (even though sometimes the cities are familiar to me). I recently heard the term "stay-cation" for booking a hotel in your own town "just to get away" from familiar home surroundings. At any rate, I booked two nights in a four star (****) Hilton by Ft. Lauderdale Beach to attend an 80's themed dance put on by POF on Saturday night and a comedy show at the Miami Improv on Sunday night.

STORY
The decision was based on the 80's themed dance being sponsored by a member of Plentyoffish.com and it was suggested that everyone dress in the style of the decade. The music was to be from the 1980's, with drink specials from 8-10PM and no end time put on the dance (8 to ??). Then I received an email from the Miami Improv with a deal for four tickets requiring only the service charge ($2.50/ticket) and the two drink minimum. This is always a great deal. Most good headliners demand $15-30 per ticket plus a two drink minimum (starting at $5/drink). So I bought 4 tickets just in case, booked the two days at the Hilton for $50/night (naming my own price...thank you priceline.com!!), and was all set for a fun weekend.

I have been conversing with one online dating contact for almost three years. JT is younger than me by 16 years, he's conservative (opposite of me), and he's on the heavy side with average equipment. Our first and only meeting was at a Starbuck's (ugh)...there was a four alarm fire for him, but only lukewarm excitement for me. He was pursuing a graduate degree, working at his Miami-based university full time, and working a part time job as a bartender for a caterer. He had little time for a relationship with me, along with little money to afford dates out or commuting 30 miles to see me. So we have exchanged IM's, emails, and some more recent webcam conversations (and erotica) over the last three years or so. We became more friends than lovers but our conversations have varied from the beginning of hot, erotica to me pulling back and wanting to be only friends, to hot, erotica again. This weekend was an opportunity to meet once more and possibly be intimate (JT hasn't had sex with a woman for 5 years!!).

I agreed to see him before I got ready to go to the dance and then we would spend some time together on Sunday before we went to the comedy show (since he said he'd go with me). I arrived at the hotel 2 hours later than I had planned and JT arrived about 7PM. We kissed (I did remember he was a great kisser!) and hugged and I showed him around the room and out to the balcony. We necked a little and then I had to start getting ready to go out. He watched me put on my makeup (was very weird for me as this was a first for me) and he also made sexual moves (rubbing up behind me, wanting to lift my skirt knowing I was pantie-less...he actually kissed my ass!! which made me giggle, all the while describing what he'd like to do...what his fantasies have been) which was all very distracting. After I was finished and ready to go, he convinced me to let him give me oral for my ultimate pleasure (which he had bragged he was excellent at and it turned out to be VERY true) and I reciprocated (until he couldn't hold off any more and wanted to be inside me). It all took about 45 minutes but I got mine first...wooowhoo! Then we went our separate ways...me to my dance and he to his Goth gathering.

I didn't get to the dance until almost 10:30, after wandering aimlessly trying to find the place. I had forgotten my printed directions/address but knew the general area it was suppose to be located in. After an hour of searching, I figured out where it was and that it HAD NO SIGNAGE! and after asking a departing POF member if this was the place. I went inside even after hearing that the crowd had thinned out some and scoped out the space and the ambiance. The general 'feel' of the room of 50 or so people was desperate, so I left and went to have my favorite late night dinner of Chicken Florentine Crepes from IHOP.

Sunday I never heard a peep from JT. He was so exhausted from our activity and the Goth gathering that he slept all day and didn't call me. I went to the Improv with my son, which I preferred anyway and enjoyed it immensely. Gary Owens was hysterical and I laughed so hard I cried out my eyes. I got back to my hotel about midnight, had a grilled chicken salad which I brought with me due to my organic life diet that I'm trying to stick to and save money by not paying tourist prices in the local restaurants. Check out was 11AM, so I played some Mafia Wars, checked email and went to bed.

To stick to my eating style, I had packed two coolers for this trip with No Hunger Bread, Black Bean Dbl Choc Muffins, mixed green salad/blk olives/chick peas, bottled water, green tea bags, and cut up leftover KFC grilled chicken. Except for the crepes at IHOP, I didn't need to buy any meals for two days. And they had a refrigerator in the room and an ice machine right outside my door. It all worked out really nice. The only thing I didn't like was the two double beds were as hard as rocks for me. I like a nice soft bed, one you sink into, it cradles you...these you could bounce a quarter off of. The view was nice of the canals and docks off the Intercoastal Waterway but I had really wanted an ocean view...next time. I checked out, tipped the valet service, ran my errands to places that are not around where I live now, and was about to drive home when I got a message from a contact at eHarmony!!

This would be another first! I had given him my phone number and he wanted to meet since I was in the area, for dinner that evening (5 or 6PM, kinda early for me to eat but do-able). I have never until this time met any man from an eHarmony match. We met at 5:30 (after I changed in the Publix supermarket bathroom and put on my makeup) at a sushi restaurant. I'm not big on the idea of sushi...raw fish always makes me think of bait! But I'm trying to be more open and not make judgment without all the facts. I tried some of one of his rolls with avocado, brown rice, and salmon...which was good, a little chewy. I had stir-fried chicken and vegetables, which was wonderful. We talked of many things. He's a holistic doctor and talked about his new diagnostic machine. I will refer to him as S, 'cuz I never got a last name. We spent 2 hours, eating and talking, but parted with a handshake and no plans for future dates. There wasn't much chemistry/spark/attraction...or at least I didn't feel it.

CONCLUSION
I got home about 9:30 and was SO glad to be there. Another contact called me, BB and we talked for another marathon 2 hours! He and I have emailed and sent tags (visual flirts/sentiments/teases) back and forth on Tagged.com for a while now. We finally talked on the phone the first time and found that we had so much in common. We had planned to have lunch on Tuesday and he wanted to confirm the date. So in three days, I got laid, had a spontaneous date, and had several phone conversations (90+ minutes) with another online contact and had a date for Tuesday. Wow! A two month dry spell and all of a sudden, MONSOON season! It's rainin' men, hallelujah, it's rainin' men...I'm gonna let...My-self get...Ab-so-lute-ly...Soak-ing wet!! YEAH!

LATEX ALLERGY - CONDOMS

Some people know that they are allergic to latex. They break out on their skin wherever a bandage/bandaid touches. Or they discovered the hard way by trial and error, that their allergy extends to latex condoms and more!

I knew I was allergic to latex but never made the connection. I was married for 20 years and didn't need to use condoms. Before that, I was having sex in the late 70s, early 80s and there wasn't any great need to protect against STDs, just pregnancy. The few times I did use a condom during sex, it felt rough inside me. I didn't think anything of it, just thought that was what it was suppose to feel like (a stick poking me!). I rarely had partners that only penetrated once to completion, but had repeat sessions and used many condoms. If it was more than 3 times, I would be sore for days. Didn't want any more sex until it subsided. I NEVER made the connection!

It was not until I was back out into the dating scene after 20 years and scared to death of the mutant STDs now out there...so I insisted on condoms! When I finally HAD sex (more on that later), I insisted he use a condom for me to perform oral. Well, low and behold, I next day I ended up with a sore throat, mouth, tongue, and the edges of my mouth. DING! DING! the light went on! We only had one session so I was only slightly sore down there. I immediately started researching online if there were any non-latex condoms on the market. And the answer is yes.

You have two choices (actually three, but one is not a choice for me). You can use lambskin, which will protect you from pregnancy but not STDs! There is ONLY one size made in polypropelene (vinyl/rubber - non-latex). There are NO MAGNUMS!! NO larger than average non-latex condoms out there! There are condoms FOR WOMEN that are non-latex (not my choice!). Even sex toys were limited to ONE that was non-latex!

Things are improving. There are now two manufacturers making non-latex condoms, but no large sizes yet. There are more non-latex sex toys out there than three years ago. (Imagine - allergic to your vibrator/dildo?!)

Let's hope that the market catches up with the demand soon. For all us girls who know that size matters and prefer more than above average. (wink, wink)

DIETS - TRUTHS AND LIES

Some good advice - FIGHTING FAT FOR AMERICA

I hate calling it a "diet" as I'm just adjusting my eating habits and trying to lose the weight I've gained (over the past four months AND over the past 18 or so years!). I do eat healthy but I know that my body has changed since I started going through menopause.

TRUTH: Hormones are an important factor in weight gain.

Whether you are young or old, male or female, rich or poor, live in the north, south, east or west, your weight is effected by your hormones, and depends on if they are in balance or out of balance. (Speaking from personal experience.)
Puberty can take a 12 year old pudgy girl of 4'11" and in one summer, remake her body into a knock-out, drop-dead 13 year old of 5'2" without much attention being paid by her. Birth control pills can put on 20-30 pounds without any change in eating or exercise (since they convince your body that you ARE pregnant!).
Pregnancy is when your hormones are on overdrive. The only hope you have is to be more active than ever for many reasons: 1) It will help keep the weight gain down to YOUR minimum. Don't go by others' pregnancies or even your past ones, 2) You will need to build up your strength for the coming baby not try to catch up after, 3) The increased activity will help in getting you involved outside of yourself, improve your attitude, curb mood swings, and help reduce your cravings. This is general advice and for those who are healthy enough to be more active while pregnant.
Menopause changes everything! What worked before, doesn't work now (more about this later on). Tastes change, the effects on your body of food and exercise changes, personality changes, and attitudes change. An extra 10 or 20 pounds above what the "average" is IS NOT a bad thing, it's normal. But weight gain is too easy at this stage and weight loss is next to impossible for some.
NOTE; Men go through these stages too. All of them! Take before and after pregnancy pictures of the "dad" and you'll see what I mean. (This applies to the men who stick around and are involved with their wives/gf/baby's moma during the pregnancy.) Weight gain is effected by hormones.

TRUTH: Genetics can make it impossible for you to ever be a size 0!

You have to be honest with yourself. Look at your relatives and ancestors. Your mother and father and their parents are good indicators of what you will look like when you are older. Don't try to look like Twiggy (size 0) if your mom looks like Mae West (size 16) and for those too young to know who they are, go by the sizes, okay. Be happy with what you were given and work to be strong and healthy (even at size 18!). And forget looking like the supermodels, they are all over 5'9", which is 5 inches over the average height for women!

LIE: If you follow this diet, you'll lose 15 pounds in 30 days! (Or one time truth)

I have found that fad diets, diet pills, short-term meal plans, diet programs (Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, NutriSystem, etc...) ONLY WORK ONCE! Whatever they change in your regular eating habits and whatever they DO to your fat cells (and god knows what else in your body), IT ONLY WORKS THAT ONE TIME. If in a few years (or months) you put the weight back on (or more), it won't work a second time. Your only hope is to find a LIFE DIET that you can follow every day for the rest of your life (barring any hormonal disruptions...see above). If you can find a LIFE DIET that works for you, then you can add and subtract things as you and your body change. Organic and raw foods are the key. Vegetable and fruits the main ingredients. Meats, fish, poultry, and other proteins should also be organic (preservative-free, hormone-free, antibiotic-free...these things are killing us as a nation). Starving yourself, eating foods you don't normally eat, or portions that are too small to satisfy your body's daily needs are all methods that contribute to failure in dieting and weight loss. Proportions made smaller gradually, eliminating one thing (bad) at a time over time, LEAVING SOME ON YOUR PLATE (one of the hardest things to do), eating when you are hungry, training your body to be hungry at certain times, and eating slower so you know you are full before you stop eating, will help with your LIFE DIET.

LIE: This diet will make you lose weight without even exercising!

Exercise is necessary to maintain or lose weight. As you get older (especially over 40!!), you have to exercise MORE to maintain or lose weight. When you are under 40, your metabolism is operating at a higher efficiency. After 40, it declines, so you have to do more to just stay at the weight you are at, if you are still eating the same way. The more sedentary you become (couch potato, lay like broccoli...), the more weight you will gain and in all the wrong places. You must move! MOVE! Move 5 hours every day. That is 20 minutes out of every hour (that most people are awake). If you walk in the grocery store or shopping for an hour, then you can sit at your computer for 3 hours or watch a movie and tv for 3 hours. Recommendations are that you do 30 minutes a day of cardiovascular exercise...raising your heart rate with a brisk walk, bike ride, swimming laps, low impact aerobics, yard work...find what works for you. Dancing is great (dance like nobody is watching for an hour every other day!). MOVE! and keep moving and be thankful that you CAN move.

LIE: Everybody should see the same results in 6 weeks. (Half-truth told about exercise CD/DVDs, equipment, and devices, except those that "do it for you" which are total LIES.)

If you do ANY kind of exercise consistently for six weeks, you will see results!! The results will not be the same for everybody, but there will be a difference in your body from the time you started to the change in six weeks. Everybody will have some strength improvement (as long as there are no underlying medical problems). That alone will improve your attitude and outlook. So MOVE!, start doing some kind of physical movement every day. In a month and a half, you'll see some difference and feel better!

TRUTH: No diet works for everyone. We are all individuals with different needs and wants.

Be careful what you put in your body. Listen to your body and pay attention to what you crave and when, when you are hungry and if you eat when you are NOT hungry. Social situations, emotional upset, habits from upbringing, stress-filled days, economic stress to name a few, can all influence how and what you eat. If you have more weight on your body than you feel is healthy, start paying attention to your body. You are worth it! Try to eat more natural foods, less refined/packaged/convenient/processed/fastfoods...and any change, no matter how small, will result in an improvement you will notice. And the more you try, the better it will be and easier it will become. If you change one thing a week, in two months, that's eight things you've changed. Believe me...YOU WILL SEE IMPROVEMENT. And don't beat yourself up when you splurge, just get back on track the next day. A little reward for effort every once in a while is needed.