HAPPY FUCKING 65TH BIRTHDAY TO ME! (PART 2)

 PREFACE

After the encounter documented in Part 1, I sent the following messages. I didn't take the time to stew over what Ilde had said or think about how I should answer. I just replied from the heart. I was wounded. I had to address the accusations that my child believed to be true, but were not. I was confused as to why she would attack me. Say things that were not true.

STORY

After I spoke with my very close friend, Perry (transgender male), I was a little more enlightened as to what might have happened in Ilde's life to cause this breakdown of communication.

To Ilde on FB messenger, 2021/09/26:

[I have to say that you blindsided me. I'm sorry for being so unaware of what you were going thru but you never talked to me about any of it. Any time I would bring up sex while you were growing up, you would shut me down. How was I to know? Did you ever talk to Heather (half sister) about it? Was I suppose to read your mind? You gave no outward clues to any struggle with your identity. I don't give a shit about whether or not you are publicly "airing dirty laundry" but I do care about you talking to me. About understanding what you are going thru & what I can do to help make our relationship better. I am devastated to the core that I got so many things wrong, that caused you so much pain while you were growing up. But I do have to say that the Pinsker-side of the family not communicating with you (& with me) is not my fault. They abandoned me almost immediately after your dad died.

Now I have to absorb what you wrote, & cry. I love you. I'm sorry.

I also want you to know that of anybody in your life, I am one of the people you could have talked to about this. I love you no matter what. There isn't anything that you could do, or say, or be, that would make me stop loving you, or make me love you less. You are my child. My blood. My heart. I am only still alive because I couldn't leave you alone on this earth. The thought of you is what keeps me alive.

"I lost 20 years to a trauma my family doesn't even know happened."

It is not my fault that you didn't tell me. 20 years ago, you were 16 and your father and I would have listened.

"I built a mask of masculinity because as a child you told a doctor I didn't measure up to the ideal of maleness you thought I should, and wanted him to give me medicine to "fix" me."

I NEVER said such a thing to your pediatrician. HE said that you were in the (bottom) 10 percentile of "normal" growth. I asked ONE TIME if HGH would bring you up to average height & weight. I was concerned for your health. You were an underweight baby and in the lowest 10% for growth. I was a new mother being told by the doctor that this was of concern. I never thought you didn't measure up, in any way.

I can't write any more now. But you have remembered some of these things incorrectly. And you took my comment about how long it's been to be that I expect you to come here. I don't, eventho I didn't know any of these reasons that you don't come here. I am perfectly happy to come there to see you. And I hope to do that soon, if you still want to see me. I don't expect you to let me stay there if it's inconvenient. I'll get a B&B. I just don't have the money until I sell the Toyota. I didn't expect to make you feel guilty because I miss you.]

She didn't even want to talk it over in Direct Messages. What I posted on her post/rant was this:

"You are remembering things wrong. I thought you knew me better than this."

Then she posted this:

"It's upsetting that your takeaway from me writing 949 words about things I know you don't know about me, is that *I* don't know *you* better. Upsetting, but not surprising.

This post was about me. I could have made it about you. About the ticket I bought to watch you walk across the stage with your Masters. [There was no Master's degree ceremony, and if there had been, there would not be a ticket you have to buy. I received an AA degree & a BFA degree. Neither required a ticket to be bought!] About the month I lived in Sebastian. [Not sure what this is about.] About the inheritance & the trip to England. [Not sure what this is about, either.] About when you and I first moved into Aunt Toni's. I didn't. [And you had an encounter with James that caused you to move out the same night. I walked out the same night in solidarity and spent the next 10 weeks in our townhouse with no electricity!]

I could have said nothing, like I have over and over again. I could have blocked you, like I did with Lisa and James. I chose to believe there was a chance you would see the volume of what's here, the severity, and choose compassion.

You were the one who taught me that you need to love your family, you don't need to like them."

This is when Ilde blocked me from her Facebook page and FB messenger.

CONCLUSION

I obviously didn't know her at all. And why should I? She never shared her struggles. She never asked for help to understand what was happening. She refused to participate in discussions that might have given her openings to ask questions. 

After going through all of it with Perry, he said that what might have happened is that Ilde is around younger, newly transitioned people (her support group & possibly roommates) who are filling her head with their traumas and she is adopting them as her own. [I have seen it before with my stepdaughter. She transferred all the bad things her biological mother did to her (abuse) to me, like I had done them all to her. I didn't get her until she was 10 yo and ruined.] 

I have no excuse with my own child. I thought I did the best I could. I thought I taught her that I was here for her. That she could talk to me about ANYTHING! And then George died. I was traumatized and in shock and didn't pay enough attention, I guess. I should have not allowed the first partner to stay at our house (Jesse, a 16 yo with an abusive father). I should have taken more control of Ilde's life and education, instead of allowing her to quit and take the GED. I should have concentrated more on getting her into BCC. I was a wreck and just trying to provide for her and make her life happy. What all parents try to do.

My sister said that when she asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I said, "Not to have another one." What do you do when the one person on Earth that you live for, cuts you out of their life? 

HAPPY FUCKING 65TH BIRTHDAY TO ME! (PART 1)

 PREFACE

BIG 65TH BIRTHDAY! Not a happy one. Two days before, my transgender daughter cut me out of her life. I was devastated. Caught totally by surprise (not anything new as my child has kept me in the dark about so many things she was going through). You think you know what's going on in your children's life(lives), but you don't. I have only had three years to adjust to these major changes in her life. She was my son for 33 years and gave me NO clue(s) as to there being an identity crisis.

STORY

This is what my daughter, Ilde, posted for all to see on Facebook: (2021/09/26)

"Yesterday was Daughter day. I let down my guard. My mother posted something for the first time that made me feel so validated I cried happy tears.

CW: trauma [<-- have no idea what this means]

Then in back to back comments, she did the one thing I've specifically told her makes me feel so guilty I avoid interacting with her. 

[I am not responsible for another's guilt. I have never been one to purposefully make someone feel guilty. Not my style. I responded with a comment to another comment that was in error, wishing Ilde a happy birthday. I commented that, "My birthday is in 2 days. My birthday wish would be to be with my daughter. I hadn't seen Ilde since 2018 and I missed her very much." THAT is what made her feel guilty! I never meant that Ilde HAD to be responsible for visiting!]

I haven't been to Florida since December 2018. It's for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that going back is emotionally draining. I've lost a lot of friends down there in the last few years. The first time I went back after I "came out" - that is, decided not to filter my posts - I was cornered, asked why I didn't talk to my family about it, and asked if I could be misgendered by them still. Here's the answer I wanted to give at the time. 

[I would love to know who said this. And I didn't know it was so emotionally draining. I would have been just as happy to go see her in Wisconsin!]

I didn't tell you I was queer for the same reason you asked me why I didn't tell you I was queer. I didn't tell you for the same reason you asked if I could still be your son, your nephew, or any number of other masc-identified terms. My queerness is about me. My gender journey is hard enough managing my own emotions, going through most of it with a partner, and then a spouse, who told me she wouldn't love me if I was a woman. Who cheated on me. Who told me the day I got the courage to say hey, I spent the last 6 months putting myself in a place where I can help you address the cracks in our relationship, that she didn't want to, and left that very night. Having 3 different people in the following year show me they didn't see me as queer, or nonbinary, in different, intimate, and hurtful ways. So no, I didn't talk to you about it. I listened to how you talked about the trans woman you wouldn't date, how you reassured me that you never felt like "anything" other than "what" you were. I heard you when you talked about Tootsie, and Eddie Izzard, and Mrs Doubtfire in my youth. I internalized the words "learned helplessness" to the point that I've pushed myself to burnout over and over and over again. I built a mask of masculinity because as a *child* you told a doctor I didn't measure up to the ideal of maleness you thought I should, and wanted him to give me medicine to "fix" me. I heard you tell me and anyone who would listen how smart I was and able I was and beam with pride because obviously I didn't have ADD like those other kids, that throwaway diagnosis. All the while you sat in those IEP conferences, with the same problems every year about focus, homework, staying on task. You fought for me so hard to make sure my letter grade measured up, but didn't pay attention to the fact that I was desperately lonely, didn't socialize with kids my age outside of school, and was chronically traumatized by the bullying I suffered at the hands of my peers. That you were so avoidant of the topic of sex that both times I was assaulted, I dissociated the memories rather than come to you for help. 

[None of this is true, except for not coming to me for help or to talk about sex in any form. Every time I broached the subject, my child shut me down and refused to talk about it. Never told me about being assaulted. Never told me about bullying. And was never IN an IEP meeting with me, except maybe at the magnet school at 15 yo when I was trying to find the best solution to furthering her education.]

I'm older now than you were when I was born. I've spent nearly half my life away from my family. As an adult - as a 36 year old queer woman, I am done pretending my life, my childhood, was well adjusted and perfect. I lost 20 years to a trauma my family doesn't even know happened. I never had a chance to have a body that truly reflects who I am, how I see myself. Even if I'd had the words, there's no would where you would have entertained putting me on puberty blockers, not in the 1990s. 20 years later you made my coming out about you, prepubescant Ilde never had a chance. I've spent the last 5 years unraveling trauma I'll be working on for the rest of my life.

[How am I suppose to help with a trauma I didn't know about? She never even realized that we had a very diverse set of friends and acquaintances; gay, lesbian, transgender...IN THE 1990s!]

To be perfectly clear, though, this post isn't about you. This post is about me. Regardless of the fact that you're the reason Neal and the rest of Dad's side of the family doesn't talk to me. Regardless of the fact that I haven't spoken to James and Lisa in years. Regardless of the fact that I can't think about flying back to Florida - the place I used to reflexively call "home" [at least, used to call home without it making me sad] - without getting weighted down by guilt, having to make the awful choice of whether to open myself up to spending a massive amount of emotional energy on handling then recovering from guilt and abuse over how long it's been since I've been back, or hiding the fact I'm there at all.

[I'm not the reason the Pinsker side doesn't talk to her. THEY don't talk to ME either! They cut me off as soon as the Irving/Mae Pinsker estate was divided up, maybe even before. This happened to Aunt Irene too! She was married to Irving's brother, Al, and when he died, they stopped all communication with her. "She wasn't blood."]

This post is about me. Before you give me crap about airing my dirty laundry or whatever other WASPy socially acceptable phrase people use for shaming others who own the trauma they face, know that I've had to build my life, climb out of debt, start and end two marriages, raise and lose a child, rebuild an entire identity, build a nearly two decade long career, and buy a house all on my own.

[Yes it is all about you. It sounds like you've had coaching on "how this is suppose to go" from younger, newly transgender people with whom you identify. They have had all this trauma, so you must have had it too. They have had all this rejection from their families, so you must have had it too. There are things you "remember" that DID NOT HAPPEN. And you cannot blame me for NOT being a mind reader, for things YOU did not tell me, share with me, come to me for help. I always thought you felt like you could talk to me. I was wrong.]

If this post upsets you, allow me to suggest you Google DBT distress tolerance skills and employ them - TIP, REST, or soothing your five senses are likely the most effective. I cannot carry the emotional water of managing your reactions, of being enmeshed with you, of treating your emotions like my own. The whiplash yesterday was just a bridge too far."

[I have been using distress tolerance skills my whole life. Those coping skills were natural for me. I didn't have any psychologist to tell me about them because I was raised to "walk it off" and get on with it. It was not accepted that mental health was a right.]

CONCLUSION

I lost my mother at 15, and then lost my father at 24.  I lost my teen years because I had to grow up way too fast. Gave up a child at 18. Was deceived by my first husband before he started mentally abusing me. Left him to hitchhike 1100 miles with a hitman, to settle on the other side of Florida, separated from my family and missing saying goodbye to my dying father. I met the love of my life in George, made a life with him for 20 years, only to lose him, as I watched him die in front of my eyes and there was nothing I could do to save him. 19 years later and I can't even type those words without crying and it all coming back like it happened today. I have PTSD because of it. 

I also have Ilde because of George. We/I raised an incredible child, with intelligence, ethics, and a huge heart. Too big sometimes as she wants to take on all the woes of everyone they care about. Too trusting in loving a partner she can't see them for their genuine self. Too secretive for some reason I can't fathom. If anyone could understand about incidents in her life, I can. She ran away from me, when she should have been running towards me. 

ONLINE DATING SCAM (PART 2)

 PREFACE

This unfolded like several other online dating contact scams. The men establish regular contact and language that advances intimacy. They reveal personal tragedies of losing a beloved wife, having to care for the motherless child (usually female), and traveling for business a lot. They have some kind of weird career. An engineer on oil rigs in the Black Sea. A geologist working in Iraq. And now a cyber security and military equipment exporter/supplier.

STORY

Chapter Two: Daily texts

He texted me in the morning to wake me up with sweet sentiments and encouragement. He texted me several times throughout the day ending up with a late night "good night, my queen" to segway into the next morning. They learn that constant contact keeps the "fish on the hook" and makes the connection be on a deeper level. "The better to reel you in, my dear." Klump professed his "love" for me WAY, WAY too soon. I kept him at "arms length" with vague feelings for him. I never said I loved him or even that I trusted him (in so many words) but gave him just enough to move forward.

Then came the "trip out of town" and he was heading to Mexico for a big deal that would make him enough money to retire. BTW, he listed himself as living in Miami. So flying to Mexico did not sound too suspicious. We kept in touch daily while he was in Mexico. I pushed a little bit on the "when are you coming home" question after he'd been there for two weeks. He said he'd be flying out within a few days.

Chapter three: THE BIG SCAM

He texted that he had finished his business but there was a problem with him getting paid. Then there was a problem with him getting out of the country. The Mexican police had confiscated his "check" and wouldn't let him leave unless he paid them (which all his money was in the "check"). They were arresting him and putting him in jail. Really?! And they let you keep your phone?! And why would a legit company cut you a check for 10s of thousands of dollars? Why not just transfer the money EFT? Why couldn't he cash the check and wire the money to himself? I had so many questions and he had excuses but not answers. Then the request that I send him money. I told him I could not do that. He said that he would be put in a Mexican jail (wasn't he already in one?!) and that his business manager couldn't do anything for him. That his bank couldn't do anything for him. Right.

So I texted him that I had an FBI neighbor/friend across the street that would make inquiries about his situation if he gave me the details. He said please don't involve the FBI. That's when he fessed up and said that his business transaction wasn't exactly legit. HE WAS SELLING GUNS AND AMUNITION IN MEXICO!! A gun runner! WOW. What a tale we weave.... I said that I couldn't do anything for him. That he needed to lose my information and not contact me anymore. He begged me to help him. I said no. I blocked his texts and had no more contact with him.

CONCLUSION

At least this time I didn't fall for ANY of his BS. The nagging inconsistency in the back of my mind persisted. "You've seen this before." I HAVE seen this before. I've seen it way too many times. I am an incurable optimist but this is leading to the cure!

The first time I was taken in by an online dating scammer, was about a year after my husband died and I had been online for about 6 months just trying to find companionship. I was missing male companionship. I "met" a guy online that strung me along for SIX weeks who worked on "an oil rig in the Black Sea." He sent me pictures of the rig! Pictures of the rig in a massive storm. He had a daughter in Miami that was living with his mother while he was out of the country working. He actually sent me a cashier's check because he couldn't get back without me buying him an airline ticket home! And I deposited it & waited for it to clear (totally bogus check that the BANK accepted & then it totally screwed up my bank account!).

It has been 18 years since then. I have had countless attempts since then to scam me through my heart. The scams have evolved but are recognizable if you know what to look for. Too many "red flags" to go into on this post but look for it in the future. Stay safe out there and if it seems to good to be true...it's not true!

ONLINE DATING 2021: THE LAST SCAM

PREFACE

I QUIT!

Okay. Here's the story of the last month. In "chapters" because it's a long story. It is a cautionary tale for single women everywhere. Pay Attention!

I have been using online dating services since 2003. Yes, the beginning of the whole thing. I was a new widow then. I had been out of the "dating" scene for 20 years. A lot changes in two decades, but not as much as those particular decades. 1982-2002 saw many leaps in technology, communications, internet access, social media, and innovative scam artists.

STORY

Chapter One: First Contact

We connected through Tinder. He was a widow. I was a widow. He was originally from South Africa. A white South African who immigrated to California in 2009, where he met his wife. She died 3 years later of cancer, leaving him with a two year old daughter. His daughter died of colon cancer in December 2020. He blames the doctors and their preoccupation with the pandemic for not giving her the "best" treatment and allowing her to die.

He is an independent contractor in cyber-security and military grade security equipment. His name. Klump Williams. He was going by William on the Tinder sight but once we moved over to texting on the phone, he revealed his true name and said I could call him either. I said I preferred his real name and called him Klump. We "met" on May 5th, 2021. He sent VERY long-winded texts, very unlike typical men. He made enough English grammar/spelling mistakes for it to be his second language. He sent pictures of his 2 dogs and 3 cats, relaxing with him on the couch. Also many more endearing poses supposedly sent in "real time." He was quite handsome.

He then started texting me several times a day, every day. He professed his "love" for me. And asked that I trust him, "why can't I trust him?", and saying I was the first woman he'd contacted. Klump hadn't dated in 9 years?! *suspicious*

CONCLUSION

This is what they do. They say all the right things. Agree to text to get to know you. Don't push an in-person meeting. Post appealing pictures that cater to info on your profile. I really thought this one might be a REAL person. A man I could like. A man I could become friends with and possibly more. But as the following chapters will reveal, that was not the case. Even in the first texts, on Tinder, I had that nagging inconsistency in the back of my mind. "You've seen this before." To be continued....

SPRING FORWARD 2013

 

PREFACE

This is a "memory" post from Facebook that came up today. I figured I'd publish it here and now, just to keep it alive in my blog, if not in my mind.

STORY

MARCH 10, 2013:

I am immobile on the couch, with my computer next to me, listening to Spotify radio based on 80s music (Don Henley specifically), my marigolds sitting outside in the dark waiting for me to come out and "finish already!"...my stomach growling, and I really need to go to bed early tonight to take my car in to be worked on at 8AM! I love that the time has sprung forward but I wish I hadn't stayed out partying until 2AM and witnessed the change! (No, I really don't...I had a good time!)

I'm not complaining, just wondering what to do next. I guess I'll put away my gardening stuff for tomorrow...eat something relatively healthy...NOT watch "Rock of Ages" tonight...play a little Gardens of Time...go to bed & set my alarm. I really hate waking up by an alarm (so unnatural).

CONCLUSION

I remember what it was like to live alone. To have a house to myself. To be accountable to no one. I'm not sure if I was teaching at this time in the year of 2013. My last classes were taught in August of 2013. So spring semester might have been over, but probably not, since we usually ended classes at the end of April, beginning of May (then graduation at the end of May). I really miss teaching.

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE COVID-19 TUNNEL: WEEK 52!

  PREFACE

Today I received my first shot of Moderna vaccine! It was uneventful and so far, I'm not experiencing any effects. Not even a sore arm. In 28 days, I receive my second shot and will be vaccinated against contracting COVID-19. 

STORY

There hasn't been enough time passed to be sure for how long the vaccination will protect. But at this time, it is recommended that we all get vaccinated yearly, just like the regular flu vaccine. I have never been one to get the flu vaccine due to the mutations yearly and the vaccine not protecting from the new strains. Since the pandemic, I've had time to rethink that opinion. I think once I'm clear of the timeframe, I'll get the flu vaccine and the pneumonia vaccine (good for 10 years!).

My being overweight got me the shot when being under 65 did not. I'm 64 and 5 months! I do have asthmatic bronchitis. I do have high blood pressure (if they bothered to take my BP with an automatic cuff), eventho I don't take meds for it. I control it with celery juice (when I think of juicing). My blood pressure is notable due to being 100 lbs overweight! Normally, when I'm within a normal weight range, it's so low they have to take it twice to make sure I'm alive! My blood sugar also runs low (with a father and paternal grandmother who both had Type 2 diabetes). I am usually in good health. I take many homeopathic vitamins and supplements to stay that way. I regularly take sodium bicarbonate (baking soda) which lowers my body's acidity. Turmeric every day to help thin my blood (no blood clots or strokes).

CONCLUSION

I try to do all I can to stay healthy, except exercise. I have been WAY TOO sedentary. I just brought my Gazelle (exercise equipment) down from my storage unit. I haven't cleared a spot in my room for it yet so I can use it, but it's a start. I'm closer to adding more movement to my daily life. Let's hope I can maintain the momentum. There is a light at the end of this long, dark COVID-19 tunnel for me. I have been housebound for longer than most. Only going out to pickup takeout or groceries (already shopped and bagged for me at WalMart or Publix). The shot was only the second time I've been in Publix in the past 11 months! I stopped doing my vendor work (mystery shopping) last June. I will be delighted to be able to go out again, even if it will be with a mask for as long as necessary!

COVID-19 WEEK 18: LET'S EXPLODE THINGS! 4 HORSES DEAD!

PREFACE
Ah yes, the Fourth of July. Celebrating our country's birthday...during a pandemic. All public gatherings cancelled, meaning all the big fireworks displays are cancelled. Meaning what are the people going to do to show their patriotism and salute America's birthday and independence from a ruling country that didn't represent our needs and wants??? Let's blow stuff up!

STORY
The Fourth of July has always been a terrible night for my sister. I've been living with her for 6 years now and even when I was living elsewhere, I would come and keep her company. She has horses. Horses tend to panic or are very stressed by the loud booming and exploding of fireworks. We live in a livestock area. An area that was founded on horse ownership and 1-acre minimum homesteading. As the 'city' encroached on the wide-open land, and the 'city dwellers' moved out of the city and into our spaces, they brought what they were running away from. They think that now that they have all this land, they can do whatever they want. But we have laws out here too. Dogs have to be on leashes. You can't plant things in the swale (the area from the road to where the sidewalk would be if there was one...also called easement). There are established trails for horses, pedestrians, and bicycles. ATVs, Gator carts, and golf carts are not allowed on these trails. Nor are they street legal. But that doesn't stop 'them' from using the trails illegally!

The mayor of our big/little town lost her horse a few years back due to a heart attack during 4th/July fireworks. She has worked hard to minimize who can shoot them off. But this year, due to COVID-19 and cancellations of firework displays, everybody thought they could have their own display! Even the GOVERNOR waived the ban on fireworks for Florida! The signs posted this year were watered down in language so that nobody paid attention to them. NO FIREWORKS WITHIN 1000 FEET OF LIVESTOCK! The fireworks started even before dark (8:30 pm) and didn't stop until 1 AM! Two of our horses were frantic during the booming and crashing and popping. Neighbors shot off illegal fireworks, the kind that go high in the air...we call mortars...and explode with a loud BOOM! All we could do was watch as the two horses ran around the ring, bucking, snorting, and in general distress.  Not to mention the stress it puts on countless dogs, traumatized cats, and PTSD Veterans. 4 horses in our neighborhood died on the night of the 4th of July.

Poor Danny Boy was exhausted by 1 am and he laid down in the ring. My sister checked on him throughout the night to make sure he was still alive. The third horse is over 30 years old and didn't seem to react to it all, but she's always been very steady about it. Maybe she just can't hear it as well. Danny Boy is very young, 13 or so. His heart could have burst from all the stress. This is only the second 4th/July he's gone through down here. He's from Ohio country living. Last year was his first year, but with all the effort of our Mayor, the fireworks were very mild and didn't stress him out. But last year, the people had central places to gather and watch them. They didn't feel it necessary to blow stuff up in their yards.

CONCLUSION
Everyone has rights. The rights of Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. You have the right to swing your arms if you want to, but when your arm comes in contact with the next person's nose...that's where your rights end. Other people have the right to their rights. Everyone needs to respect the rights of others, even when you have to modify your perception of your rights. We do not live in closed boxes. Or defined spaces. You can draw a property line in the sand, but that does not stop air, wind, smells, voices, or freedom. We ALL need to be better neighbors. Better neighbors in our communities, in our cities, counties, states, and in the World. Everyone is connected, despite lines drawn in the sand. Love One Another.

COVID-19: WK 17 - PERSONAL MAINTENANCE

PREFACE
During this pandemic, you might find yourself slipping on your personal maintenance. I've noticed a lot of the men growing beards and their hair. While salons and barbershops are closed or have been closed for many months, this is just an excuse to NOT shave or cut your hair. Also, it's a great thing that ZOOM does NOT have SMELL-A-VISION...LOL! I know for a fact that those attending meetings by ZOOM are NOT wearing (outside the house, dress or casual) pants, if pants at all.

STORY
I'm not one to shower every day in "normal" circumstances. I don't do manual labor or sweat if I can help it, so going 2, or even 3 days, without bathing is not apparent to others around me. But with the stay-in-place routine, my showering has taken on a new challenge for me. If I get up late in the afternoon/early evening, I may not have an opportunity to shower. I make my smoothie, then start preparing dinner. I sit down with my sister and eat and watch TV. I may not get up again until it's time for bed (not counting bathroom breaks). It may be a week before I realize that my hair is in dire need of washing! I put it in a ponytail on top of my head and that buys me another day or two if I HAVE to go out for takeout. I don't like to go out in public without clean hair/body. Since there is no one coming into our home, it doesn't matter much, but going out is another thing entirely.

It is also a problem with online dating during the COVID-19 global pandemic. If you happen to contact a suitable match, you can't let them see you when you haven't bathed or kept up. Thick, unruly eyebrows. No makeup. Unwashed hair. Eww. So you have to stall until you find out if it's worth it to "doll up" for this contact or if this is just another miss in your search. Now that everyone has accepted that video conferencing or virtual dating is something to do...do we have to work harder to be presentable?! LOL

CONCLUSION
That would be a good reason to keep up on your personal maintenance if online dating during a pandemic was viable. I had yet to see that online dating was viable pre-COVID, much less now, when everyone is quarantined or staying-in-place. No one is venturing out, except those with no concept of mortality or social conscientiousness. I guess I'll go cut my talons (toenails) and put the top coat on my fingernails, brush my soft, clean hair, and then snuggle into my cozy bed to try to sleep, perhaps to dream.... More than likely, not sleep until the sun comes up, and then sleep through the 106 degree high for July 1st, 2020. Take care of yourselves! Be safe. Wear a face mask in public. Practice social distancing inside public places. Don't go out if you don't need to, especially if your immune system is compromised or you have medical issues. Stay alive and we will all get thru this. Love to All! 

COVID-19 STAY-IN-PLACE: WEEK 16?!

PREFACE
Here we all are. People going stir crazy, protesting wearing masks in public places, protesting civil rights (George Floyd murder, police brutality, murder by police of black people, Black Lives Matter...), people calling for de-funding the police (diverting funds to other community services that have been slashed and now the police have to do them), and a spike in COVID-19 cases since "phase 1" re-opening of the states.

STORY
WTF?! Each new day brings unimagined horror. Our leadership is "off the grid" insane.

Gassing citizen's exercising their right to assemble, so #45 can stroll across to the damaged church he never attends and hold up a BIBLE?! The police that stood by and were yelled at and spit on by white "I've got the right not to wear a mask," GUN TOTING!, protesters...stood fast in front of the state capital! didn't fire teargas (pepper bombs...whatever), didn't fire rubber bullets into the crowd. A crowd that was an untrained militia carrying assault rifles to the capital. Nothing?

But peaceful, non-combative protesters, mostly of color, marching to protest the way police treats POC! are gassed by police, and shot at with rubber bullets, arrested, beaten, along with REPORTERS! with no regard for public safety. I understand that police have the responsibility to maintain order...but a PEACEFUL protest doesn't require teargas! or tasers! or urban assault vehicles!

And now, to address the "phase 1" re-opening!! TOO SOON! Everybody said TOO SOON! But the orange toddler claims the economy is more important than the lives of the elderly. What's 200,000 dead compared to a profit margin?! If you order everyone to re-open, then everyone has to go back to work...no more UE benefits to pay out (that is if you GOT benefits at all! Florida is not on the ball when it comes to Unemployment benefits.). People started going out to clubs, bars, and bar/restaurants WITHOUT MASKS! and then some with masks. Code enforcement closed them down. Daily infection rates went up to ALL NEW HIGHS, breaking records each consecutive day! There was NEVER A FLATTENED CURVE!

CONCLUSION
I had been working again after not working for two months. I do vendor work, going into stores (which are not as crowded as they were pre-COVID) and wearing my mask, washing my hands after each location. I visited (34) 7-Elevens over three weeks, with one week break before the last week. I cancelled the last 6 locations because of the spike in cases. It doesn't look like I will be getting back to work before the end of the year or longer. It doesn't look like the leadership, nor the citizens, are exercising good judgement or good sense. I think I'll wait for a TRULY FLATTENED CURVE before I venture out to work among the masses again.

I really don't know what to expect from day to day. It's exhausting. I'm depressed most of the time. I'm not sleeping right. It's a million degrees outside in the daytime, so...no going out anyway. Things are shutting down again, so...no going out. I need to work on stuff here, at home. My garden. Fitting in some exercise. Reading! Yeah, right. There is no "getting back to normal" ever again. There is only THE NEW NORMAL. What is happening now. What will be "normal" going forward. What will keep us safe, healthy, and alive. FUCK THE TRUMP VIRUS! We will survive! And come November, send in the military and ESCORT HIM OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE! Better days are coming!

COVID-19 LOCKDOWN - WEEK 6

PREFACE
Six weeks into "stay in place" and I haven't lost my mind. I started limiting my travels outside on March 5th. I'm still here. I'm still healthy. I'm a homebody. That's what they call someone that doesn't go out much. Someone who stays home and lives their life in a smaller world than most people. It's not a choice I made but a choice I fell into after experiencing one last trauma that broke me. PTSD. Depression. Anxiety. Being single, female, older, and vulnerable...prevented me venturing out to nightclubs, dating events, even movies...until I just went out to do the few jobs I contract to perform, and occasional "drive to nowhere" to relieve stress. I saw it coming...just wish our country's leadership had seen it coming.

STORY
Now, the coronavirus pandemic! After an extended time, our governor finally ordered a lockdown of the state of Florida on April 1st, 2020. After thousands and tens of thousands of spring breakers played on the beaches for weeks after the first confirmed cases, oblivious to the damage (contagion) that they were spreading. They believed they were immune to a DEADLY VIRUS. Youth. Hubris. False concept of immortality. We may never know the extent of the deaths that delay caused.
The lockdown didn't change my life very much.

I wipe down the groceries that are delivered to my door (instead of picking up the grocery order from Walmart, shopped by someone else___I HATE GROCERY SHOPPING!). Making the switch over to grocery delivery was seamless, until everyone else started doing it too. Now instead of next day or the day after, it's a 4-5 day wait. Still, you just have to plan it out and be a little organized. Publix still has same day or next day delivery...they're more expensive but they have a few things that I buy that no one else has, anywhere!

Any packages or mail gets quarantined for several days or wiped down with Clorox. All surfaces in the house are wiped down with bleach every 2-3 days. There are only me and my sister living in the house and no one else has come into the house in over a month. We wash our hands a lot anyway, so that's no different. Not much has changed.

CONCLUSION
I know lots of people are out there going bonkers. Too much togetherness with family. Too much being alone for others. I'm fine with being alone with myself, my thoughts, playing video games, writing, painting, crocheting...lots to occupy my mind.

Also I'm lucky to live with my sister, whom I get along with famously. She's my best friend. I'm lucky that her house is on an acre of land. We have 2 cats for mental comfort. 3 horses to occupy my sister when she gets stressed. There are many that are not so lucky. I wish I could help them all. Comfort them all. I do wish you all peace and good health. I pray for the end of this pandemic. A treatment. A cure. A vaccine. Better days are coming!

FIRST DAY OF SUMMER

PREFACE
Summer in south Florida is like living 8" from the sun. Daytime temperatures can 'feel like' 100+ degrees. Sure everybody loves to invade us when it starts to get cold up north. But when they leave, the REAL FLORIDIANS come out to play (or rather, stay in the AC and find other things to do...lol).

STORY
Just like when the snow falls and the wind blows a gale, and the temperatures drop to the teens or single digits, the northern dwellers stay inside, under blankets, drinking hot chocolate, and inching the thermostat up a degree or two. They hibernate. Not much you can do outside without chancing frostbite, so catching up on movies or series's missed is the activity of the night.

Those that work and have to brave the weather during the weekdays, forge ahead, dreaming of the Florida vacation in the spring (February or March) when the ground is still frozen up north. Florida is having it's most enjoyable weather. It's winter from the middle of January to the middle of March, and there are about two weeks of winter for us. One or two days at a time, the temperature will dip down below 60 degrees. It's glorious! We have to put on sweaters and jackets, to the sheer amusement of the snowbirds.

CONCLUSION
Every location has it's good and bad to recommend living there. The good you enjoy and the bad you'll put up with. It has to balance out for you to stay. I've been here for more than 50 years. I wasn't born here but moved here when I was 2. I've left for 5 years or so at a time, but have always come back. "Once you get the sand between your toes, you never leave (for good)." With the sea level rising, that may be the only reason that I leave Florida...for higher ground. We are at (or some places below) sea level here! Time to head north! 😊

4 DAYS 'TIL SUMMER!

PREFACE
Summer in south Florida started in March! Truth be told, we've had a few days this spring that were quite nice. Below 70 degrees even. But when you're 8 inches from the sun, SUMMER is half the year.

STORY
Having lived most of my life in south Florida, I'm not surprised that it is over 80 degrees on April 2nd. But when it gets to be June, it's over 90 degrees every day! And that is just the thermometer reading, not factoring in the humidity over 80% most days and lack of cloud cover (read as "sun beating down relentlessly"). I remember half a dozen days in the summer being over 100! when I was a kid. I remember downtown flooding "because it's near impossible to drain sea level" and more than 2 days of straight rain causes flooding. There's no place for water to go 'down' when you're at sea level!

What is surprising to me is to look at the rest of the country and their weather. My son lives in Madison, WI and today it was 74 degrees there. My nephew lives in San Francisco, CA and it was  70. There are other places to live besides here! The only problem is that THEY have their extremes too. Where I can't live is a place where it gets colder than freezing (32 degrees F), or I can't see the sky most of the year (gray, cloud covered, low hanging sky is SO DEPRESSING!), nor a place that has lots of tornadoes. I need to be close to water (even if it's not the ocean, which is preferred). Now that the sea level is rising, HERE is not a good place to live.

CONCLUSION
We've been looking at Georgia and South Carolina for places to live. It's hard for my sister because she's got so much history here (50 years in the same house, this year). She has connections to the community. (And she HATES change.) I'm not so rooted.

I have lived with my sister for the past 5 years. I know that due to my income and PTSD, that I'm not likely to move out and get my own place. Where ever she decides will be a good place for her, will be fine with me. I can eBay from anywhere. I'm retired, so no job to sever myself from. My friends have moved away or I moved away from them. Most of my friends are now online, more than in person. I can live anywhere. I would just like to live somewhere that it doesn't feel like I just walked into HELL's front door when I walk out my front door!

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2019!

PREFACE
A new year. What joy will this year bring to me? Every day is a new chance for joy. Not just the first day of the new year. But we all see it and mark it as a new beginning.

STORY
This year brings along with it the old problems of the last two years, since #45 was put into the presidency. I resolved last year to "unplug" from the news on the weekends on Friday night and not watch the news again until Sunday night. This gives me a break from the non-stop dumpster fire that is the Trump presidency!

I am also still fighting the effects of PTSD, depression and anxiety, but the need to fight them is getting a little more infrequent. I have tried to start a running count of "days I haven't cried" but can't seem to get past 3 days. I am still broken.

I started a weight loss program in the beginning of November. I've lost 11 lbs, even through the holidays. I'm in my 14th week and I'm going to lose 60 lbs. I am tired of carrying around the extra weight. I'm tired of my joints aching. I'm tired of not being able to do things that I use to do with ease. I'm just tired! This program (Noom) is based online and aligns with my lifestyle. This will be a success!!

CONCLUSION
So with a new year, comes a new outlook. My one resolution this year will be to move forward.

AND THE RECOUNT GOES ON

PREFACE
I can't imagine the stress level at the County Elections office. There are protesters, Florida officials, and observers from both political parties vying for "their right to see every ballot counted" and to give opinions over ANY available media. #45 is leading the pack in misinformation and misdirection. There are not enough people to do this monumental job, but they persevere despite accusations that are hurled at them everyday this is not resolved.

STORY
The people doing the recounting are working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, to get these ballots recounted, AND validate mail-in absentee ballots and PROVISIONAL ballots cast on election day. These are VOLUNTEERS! doing all this additional work. Would you volunteer to be stuck in a room, feeding page after page of ballots into a machine? only to end up losing all of them because the machine overheated!! These machines are made to work one or two days, every two years, for 12 hours. It's like running a Hyundai in the INDY 500! Somewhere around lap 300, it's gonna breakdown.

So Brenda Snipes has announced that the recount of cast ballots (and initial count of absentee ballots) will be done by 3 p.m. Thursday. So what then? If the count is still within the parameters of a "very close" race between the governor's race and the senator's race (and the AG, for that matter), it will trigger a MANUAL HAND COUNT of all acceptable ballots.

Acceptable Ballots. That is something that is VERY controversial as there has been advantages put in place by Republicans (specifically Rick Scott) that may be enough to tip in their favor. Florida has an "EXACT SIGNATURE MATCH" law in regards to absentee ballots. As I stated in my previous posts, your signature changes naturally over the years. Some parts of it always stay the same, but those parts are NOT ALL THE SAME PARTS for everyone. As a pollworker, I had to validate the signature on the voter's ID matching it to the signature they signed on the signature-pad on election day. As the voter, you can't see how your signature appears as you sign. The "pen" is not a regular pen. The area you are signing is not a familiar signing surface. So we look for similar "parts" of the signature to match, but NOT AN EXACT MATCH!

Your signature may have become MORE illegible/scribbled as you've aged, or you may have purposefully or unintentionally changed it; by leaving off the dot over an 'I', or making the final mark sweep up for Feng Shui, or illness has your hand shaking, or your eyesight is failing, or you stopped using your middle name/initial, etc.... There may be many reasons that your signature has changed since you last signed a Voter's Registration form, THE OFFICIAL SIGNATURE to which the Dept of Elections is comparing your mail-in ballot. MANY signatures will fail! so your vote won't count! Military service personnel, citizens traveling for pleasure, and officials/businesspersons out of the country on business, may have any/all absentee ballots disapproved because their signature does not match EXACTLY to the signature the Dept of Elections has on file. The could be 10s of 1000s, enough to sway the election to either candidate.

CONCLUSION
Before you believe what you read in social media or the news, think about all those people working day and night to ensure the freedom of every vote to being counted. The United States is not a dictatorship. It is not a Communist regime. It does not have a puppet government. The United States is a republic, of the people, for the people, and by the people. They are human beings, doing a thankless job, to insure a right and just election. Neither party will be happy with the outcome, if it goes against them. I would like to see it come down to a runoff. Take it to the people one, more, time! (NOTE: I'd like to know how Dade county finished their recount. What was overlooked, or invalidated as a matter of course?)

EARLY VOTING IN BROWARD COUNTY

PREFACE
In my two previous posts, I talked about being a pollworker for the primary and general elections this year. As a pollworker, I have to vote by mail or in person during early voting because I can't vote on election day, since I'm working the polls. In 2016, I voted by mail-in ballot. I was confident that my vote would be counted, even after the debacle of Bush vs. Gore and 50,000+ votes being "lost" in Dade county...found in a cabinet, not counted. Then I heard that Florida has an "exact signature matching" law that I assumed Rick Scott would enforce rabidly if the votes were close.

STORY
I made some mistakes on my mail-in ballot so I was forced to vote in person at an early voting site. There are many in Broward county and they cover any precinct, so there's no restriction that you go to a specific location. You can vote at any early voting polling site. I delayed and delayed, doing research into the many, many amendments listed on the ballot. I had voted 'yes' on several that had confusing wording. They do that on purpose to get things passed. The common person with minimal education (HS which teaches "don't question") would think that some of these amendments were clear cut, but they'd be wrong. So I finally settled on my votes and headed to my closest polling place, the library in Weston, just west of where I live.

My sister had early voted at the library in Cooper City in the middle of the second week. No waiting. In and out in 15-20 minutes. Easy-peasy. I waited to the last minute. 6 p.m. on Sunday night. Polls close at 7 p.m. I waited in line, outside in the dark, in the heat for an hour before getting inside the building. There were about 200 people ahead of me, and when I entered the building, I heard over the walkie-talkie that there were about 160 people behind me when they officially closed the polls. It was still worth it to get my vote counted!

CONCLUSION
Now that there is an automatic recount generated by the closeness of the voting, I am glad I didn't send in my mail-in ballot. My signature has changed over the years. I don't know what signature they have on record for me. My signature is enough like my license that I got in 2012 but I don't know what it looked like when I originally registered to vote. I could have signed with my middle initial, which I do not do anymore. My license has my middle name spelled out, but my signature is without my middle name, nor my middle initial. Would that mean that if I had mailed my ballot and Rick Scott sues for scrutiny of mail-in ballots, that my vote would not have counted?!

Glad I voted in-person! I don't know how many 1000s or 10s of 1000s of people voted last minute in the early voting, but it just ended on Sunday, right before the general election on Tuesday. The deadline for mailed-in ballots ended at 7:00 p.m. on Tuesday, Nov. 6th, even if they were hand-delivered to the Board of Elections. All the precincts had to be picked up by truck and delivered to the regional office of the Board of Elections. Broward county does not have county trucks to do this. Elections come every two years and trucks have to be rented for this job. Election officials drive those trucks, certified and sworn in by the Board of Elections. There are procedures upon procedures to secure and deliver the paper ballots that have been counted by the voting machines. The voting machines have transmitted the voting information to the regional office. The paper ballots are backup. They now have to be counted, along with the mail-in ballots, and the paper ballots that back up the early voting electronic transmission, and all must be reconciled.

I think I may update my voter's registration to update my signature. 2020 is right around the corner!!

WORKING THE ELECTION POLLS (part 2)

PREFACE
In Part 1 of this post, I explained what goes into the training and the actual experience of working the voting polling place. As a pollworker, you have to go through training for every election, even if you just went through it for the primary, you have to go through it again for the general election. The training is (4 hrs) and covers every position needed on election day. You may be asked to fill in for something you didn't want to do but must do because someone didn't show up! There is a written manual that you need to have with you on the day, just in case.

STORY
Now for 2018. Training for 4 hours in the early spring for the primaries. After working the Primary election at a different polling site, and only having to serve 120 or so voters, it was a lot more lull than activity. I was handing out ballots as a Ballot Inspector this time as we had a much smaller staff (6) and all positions had to be filled.

I volunteered to do this to be an EVID operator. Verifying identity by photo and signature of each voter for which I processed a voting pass. The voting pass is then taken to the table where the ballots are given in exchange for the voting pass. Special circumstances are if the voter doesn't come up on the EVID as being registered, they can request a provisional ballot which is reconciled after the election day. Address (and name) changes can be done on election day and the voter can vote if they are in that precinct, or they are sent to the correct precinct. Everyone in line to vote by 7 p.m. is allowed to vote, even after the polls are officially closed.  A security guard and/or police officer is posted at the end of the line at 7 p.m. No one arriving after 7 p.m. (7:01 or 7:02) is allowed to join the line, nor to vote if there is no line. Some people take this news as harsh, but it is the law.

This general election we processed about 1000 voters. For a mid-term election, that is remarkable. The last general election in 2016, we processed about 800, in the same precinct, at the same polling site. The fact there was 14 days of early voting and mail-in ballots, that was a better than expected turnout. We were once again cut off from the news of the day, observed by poll watchers (stationed near the voting area by both major political parties, to watch the process), and visited several times by Poll Inspectors from Broward County.

We were coming to the close of another election day. Two men came in and sat at the table next to the voting booths entrance. They were recording with their cellphones. The Clerk went over to tell them they were not permitted in that area during voting hours, nor were they allowed to shoot video. They said they were waiting for the posting of the totals tapes. The Clerk said they could wait away from the voting area or outside. They left.

As we were processing the closing of the polls, breaking down the voting booths, the tables, packing up everything, and the VST operators and workers were clearing the VST machines of the cast ballots and placing them into the secure bags for transport, someone noticed those two men outside taking video through the windows. What would be the motivation for that?! (Remember, we had been cut off from all news reports.) The Clerk asked them to stop. They didn't. The pollworkers had not given consent to be filmed! Securing the ballots is not something open to the public normally. The Clerk went outside to emphatically ask them to stop filming. I helped obscure their view of the process. They were not official County Inspectors. We had nothing to hide but we also did not want our faces on some video on social media or podcast without our permission. The police were called, reports filled out, and they finally left. We were concerned that we might be followed home or harassed when we left the premises. There is a limit to invasion of privacy.

CONCLUSION
Once home, I found out how close the election was between the two candidates for senator and governor. I now understand why obscure "news" people would want to find some impropriety in the voting process that they might exploit for their own gain. It was still obnoxious and unnecessary. There was no impropriety. No mistakes (unless human error or machine error caused them). Procedures were followed. Inspectors inspected. Poll watchers watched. And now we wait for the results, whatever they may be. It looks like automatic recounts will ensue because of the closeness of the votes. Our democracy in action!

WORKING THE ELECTION POLLS (part 1)

PREFACE
I am a poll worker. I started in 2016. What an initiation! I continue to be a poll worker. I worked the Primary election in the summer of 2018. And now I've completed the Mid-term elections of 2018. Interesting is an understatement.

STORY
I went through a 3 1/2 hour training session in the summer of 2016. The trainers went over the procedures involved for all the positions at the polls, and supervisory positions, over all polling stations. I was nervous the night before November 9th (2016) election. I barely got 90 minutes of sleep before getting up at 4 a.m. to be at the polling place at 5:30 a.m. I arrived and went to work helping set up the voting booths, the EVID machines (which I would operate one) that issue voting passes, setting up the signage outside the polling site, and whatever else needed to be done. We all pitched in to get the polls ready for the first voters to arrive and the polls to open at 7 a.m. Once the polls were officially declared OPEN, we had 75-80 voters standing outside in line ready to come in, stand in line again, and exercise their right to vote.

It was a steady pace all day, with a few lulls to take breaks for the bathroom, get water and snacks. The polling site provided lunch for the workers, and after the lunch crowd came through the polls, we took turns going "to lunch" from 1:30-2:30, so we could all be back in time for the teachers, school workers, and others who get off work earlier that 5 o'clock. We work until the polls are officially closed at 7 p.m., and beyond, as we run totals, pack up everything in a particular order, then sign official counts, post them, and account for everything. Nobody leaves until it's all done.

The 11/9/2016 day started with some controversy as a news crew brought cameras into the polling site and had to be asked to leave. Filming outside, away from the voting, is permissible. Also some voters brought cellphones in and began recording, which is NOT ALLOWED (under the law). Police had to be called to enforce some violations and objections but for the most part, it didn't escalate. There are always security people and off-duty police at the polling sites, just in case rules have to be enforced. We all know the outcome of the 2016 election. We didn't know anything until after 7 p.m., when the site hosting the voting poll turned on the TVs and we got caught up with the news. And 2016 kept everyone in suspense until the next morning.

When we work the polls, we have no exposure to the news the entire day. We are not allowed to use our cellphones (except for emergencies). We are instructed NOT to try to find out what's happening outside the polls and are not allowed to leave the site until the polls are officially closed. Suffice to say, we DO NOT express any political favor to voters while working the polls. Nonpartisan interaction only; no decals, icons, political T-shirts, opinions, etc.... We can help voters in particular ways that do not involve influencing their vote, only facilitating it. So it's 15 hours of isolation for us, and suppressing our own opinions and curiosity. It is a privilege to help insure the purity of the voting process.

CONCLUSION
No matter what the outcome, or your reaction to it, the voting process is a privilege (and a RIGHT in this country) that should be exercised whenever possible. These are human beings that we put in charge of making decisions about our lives. Even if you don't see it in the day-to-day, their decisions effect us. How they vote on laws. What laws they create. If they protect the laws and keep us safe, or are only interested in what their political position can do to enhance their own lives. We are the watchdogs! We cannot vote and then sit back and HOPE for the best. Our leaders are accountable to US. We the People! Our taxes pay their salaries. Our taxes pay for the services they provide to us. WE ARE THEIR BOSSES! VOTE, LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!

FIFTY SHADES OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT

PREFACE
I have encountered sexual harassment at many levels throughout my life. I have not always recognized it as such at the time. Sometimes I realized it right after it happened, after thinking about it for some time (days, weeks, months, even years), and sometimes never realizing it until relating a story about it and someone else pointing it out. How odd is that?

STORY
I was working in a 7-Eleven on Saturday, setting up a display for the coming Christmas season. This store was the 15th location I had completed in the past six days. I work from a seated position as my lower back cannot take the bending and stooping required. I take my two-step A-frame step ladder with me and use it to sit on and get to lower levels and bottom rows.

A customer came in and walked over to me, standing behind me, he reached around leaning into my back to "reach for something" hanging on the display. I could smell the strong odor of Listerine (used to mask alcohol, as it triggered a memory of my alcoholic father). As I turned to see if I recognized him, he said something apologetic, giggled and walked away. Maybe this was his idea of flirting?

He then returned and leaned in behind me to give me a hug (of sorts), again feigning that he was going to buy something off the display I was setting up. Both his arms encircling me at just below shoulder height. Held only long enough as to not make me too uncomfortable. He said, "You know I'm just kidding around. I'm a regular in here," and then walked away again. Minutes later, he returned with a single rose bought from the counter as he checked out. He said, "For you, for putting up with me messing around. It's just that I hadn't seen you in here before. See you later." To which I replied, "You probably won't see me later, as I don't work here. But thanks for the flower."

CONCLUSION
As I reflected on the whole experience, I started to get creeped out. What he had done was sexual harassment at the least, sexual assault at the worst. He invaded my space. Touched me (a stranger) without permission, twice! And then gave me with a present to apologize for his actions. It had made me uncomfortable. He had had the positional advantage of standing while I was sitting. He had approached me from behind with no warning, both times, and had made the second encounter more intimate than the first. It was creepy.

While walking on the sidewalk or riding my bike, I have been sexually harassed by men on the side of the road or from moving vehicles, cat-calling; bosses making advances; customers being inappropriate while I worked as a server; and at least one incident of misjudging a sexual encounter. But not until recently, with all the "outing" of sexual predators, would I have taken notice of this brief encounter as an incident of sexual harassment. All the other times were when I was younger, slimmer, prettier, and I dealt with them as accepted behavior (as Weinstein's actions were accepted but not acceptable behavior). I have always thought it was disgusting but "it happens all the time." I am glad that this behavior is being called on to be accountable. That men need to realize that what they think is flirting, IS NOT. That it is NOT acceptable to invade someone's space or touch their body without permission. ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE A STRANGER! Geez! Men need to be re-trained in the art of social contact.

BROKEN HEART REVISITED

PREFACE
I guess it's not a real broken heart but it definitely hurt my feelings and changed the direction of my plans. Should you ever revisit a past relationship even if that relationship was short-lived? At this point I would say, "No."

STORY
We had met on some online dating site and then in real life. We hit it off well and I spent the night at his place which he shared with his roommate and his daughter. I liked him and he liked me. We were hot for each other too. I invited him to my house at the time, and we got busy right away. Then I didn't hear from him. I'm not the type to push, or nag, or text someone a million times. I seem to remember trying several times to contact him but then gave up.

I've had his email & picture in my Gmail account ever since then. JS contacted me on Facebook. I hadn't heard from him in 10 years. We went out to dinner and talked for 3 hours. We made out in the parking lot and it was hot. We texted every day and went to dinner the next week. We talked for almost 3 hours and made out in the parking lot. We continued to text every day. From the time we got up to the time we went to bed. Then we had lunch one day and we kissed and hugged at my car before parting ways. We had long, frank discussions about how we wanted to have sex but couldn't make that happen with our living arrangements. He made us reservations at a hotel suite but then had to cancel due to his not having the money. This went on for a month. Last week we were going on a road trip to central Florida for me to deliver a chair to a friend and get some stuff from my storage unit. I had to cancel because I didn't have enough money for the trip. We finally set the date for me to come over and spend the night if I wanted to. I texted him that I was going to be coming over later than we had planned. He texted that he had to cancel.

His first reason was a cold sore but there was another one too. I asked what. He said that his ex had texted him and started talking to him about getting back together. He hadn't really gotten over her and didn't want to hurt me by continuing forward with us. I was very, very hurt. I cried, and cried, and cried. I texted him that I would have to take some time to process this.

CONCLUSION
I texted my son about what happened. He said to tell him that "I'm not a fire extinguisher. I'm not there as a backup to anyone else and he either needs to choose me or not." And he said if he doesn't respect me enough for that, he hasn't earned my time. I am trying to live in the now. The now today was painful. It made me cry. It also made me contact two other men that had showed an interest in me last month. I hadn't cultivated the contacts due to JS. Now I am.

COUNTING 1, 2, 3...

PREFACE
Today Friday and tomorrow, Saturday, I have signed up to count all the patrons going to see the new Superman vs Batman movie at the Aventura Mall Cinema. Suffice to say I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I do patron counts (or Open Checking) at many theatres, at many openings. Never one this BIG! This is a new adventure in market research (aka mystery shopping).

STORY
I had checked the number of auditoriums playing the movie on Thursday night and they had 13 shows listed. That's a lot of shows normally and three to four auditoriums would be normally showing them. When I got up on Friday morning, they had 30 SHOWS!! listed, starting at 9:30 am and going to 12:30 am (Saturday morning). NINE auditoriums showing the movie 30 minutes apart! It was a hectic day to say the least. I barely had time to eat some chicken fingers and curly fries at 9 pm for dinner, which I was STARVING by that time. I always bring protein bars and bottled water with me but that doesn't sustain me through 15 hour days. I did get to watch the movie after my midnight count. It was very good but set too dark. You couldn't see what was going on on the screen at times.

I was glad they dropped one auditorium on Saturday, leaving me to check only 8 and having a few more minutes between shows. It wasn't so hard to get to the shows but they were at opposite ends of the theatre and at peak times it was very difficult to get through the crowds. I took to counting the line waiting to get in as they went in and then counting those who came in after. The hardest part of counting is the patrons that leave their seats and go to concession. Those going in and out can cause a huge difference in total numbers if you don't write down something about them you can remember when they come back in.

CONCLUSION
I am very grateful for my sister ordering me a counter machine and getting it delivered by Friday. Having this device made my counting go so much easier. The right tool for the right job! It was a very long two days but I earned over $180 per day, so it was worth it. I don't mind spending all day and night at a movie theatre. I feel very comfortable there after 15 years of my late husband managing and district managing them. I am a movie freak, plain and simple.