PAY ATTENTION! OR FREE TRIALS AREN'T FREE

Just when you think things are going along smoothly, you discover that your "free trials" have expired and your account has been charged $150!! Paying attention to the details CAN save you money.

All I wanted was white teeth without spending $500-1000 at the dentist. Two "free trials" later I'm looking at two charges, one for $58 and one for $89 and I don't even need the product again if the claims are valid. These products are the advertised claim from a "regular mom" that discovered that by combining TWO teeth whitening products, one used for two weeks, then the other for two weeks...resulted in visibly whiter teeth without the costly visit to the dentist.

I have very little sales resistance when it comes to something I REALLY want. And I REALLY want whiter teeth. I smile a lot...a lot! And not having medical coverage for the last 18 years has cramped my seeing a dentist regularly (or any other medical professional, besides the firm belief that they are all drug pushers). So I ordered the two products, paying ONLY the S&H fees totaling a mere $8. The two week "free trial" period began when I ordered one and received the other (like how do they know?). Then I went to see my sister for a week!!! Totally forgetting about the time constraints on the "free trial" period!

This is the pseudo-scam behind the whole thing. They EXPECT you to forget about the trial period. And then when you see the outrageous charge on your account, you get all freaked out and call and are told that "you had two weeks to cancel" and it's "all in the terms and agreement that you agreed to when you ordered." They got you! ALWAYS READ EVERYTHING BEFORE YOU ORDER ONLINE!

Another tip: Set a reminder on your calendar (Yahoo has one with your email account, use your PDA, cellphone, or hand write it on your wall calendar!!) several days before the expiration of the "free trial" and then two days before and the day before! With all the reminders, maybe you can cancel and not have to pay FULL PRICE.

All of this is to make myself more appealing, and to eventually have more sex. All the watching what I eat, trying to exercise daily and lose weight...all for more sex, and eternally hoping that it leads to a REAL RELATIONSHIP, that includes regular, great sex! Don't we all!

One more thing you can do: Report your card stolen and get it reissued. That way they can't charge your old card any more "membership charges." This solution is a pain in the ass though since you have to change all your automatic charges and payments that you have set up. But sometimes it's the last resort. Happy shopping!

NOT TOO BUSY TO WRITE

I could say that I've been busy. It has been 12 days since I posted anything. I went to Ft. Lauderdale (140 miles south) for a day to finish up moving my sister's art room to her new classroom for next year. I got there on Monday at sundown and left on Thursday night 11PM, arriving back home at 2AM. My poor cat was VERY pissed off at me for leaving him for so long. So I've been home for a week now. I've been playing Mafia Wars (RPG online game) on Tagged and having phone sex with a guy who lives in California. I met him through playing the game and we just clicked. WTF is wrong with me?

I'm lonely. I'm depressed. I gotta snap outta this.

My plans are to go to a dance on Sunday hosted by a member of POF (Plenty of Fish...and online dating service) and I've booked a room at the Boca Bridge Hotel again. I love this luxury hotel! It's only costing me $40 (priceline.com) for the night. I'm also meeting a contact at the dance who's been playing phone tag with me for a month. We'll see how this goes. I'm not expecting anything.

WHEN DOES NUDITY BECOME PORN?

I'm an artist. I love photography and creating paintings from photographs. The nude body in all it's splender is a beautiful thing. Somewhere along the line, our ancestors decided that looking at the nude body was dirty, evil, reprehensible...so they called it pornography and hid it from view. The Supreme Court defines pornography as "Anything having no artistic value and stimulating sexual thoughts" and as Bill Hicks said in one of his comedy routines..."that defines almost every commercial seen on television!" Sex sells! So are commercials pornography? Is a picture of two people engaging in sex pornography? Are photos of "private parts in various stages of stimulation" pornography? Or is it all just natural...the nature of us as human beings?

I notice that many older female artists go through a phase of erotic expression in their favorite medium. I wonder if this is instigated by the change of life as it has been for me. Georgia O'Keefe and her 'flowers' is a prime example. A former female art professor went through a period of painting penises, in all imaginable forms...incorporated into flowers and landscapes...'popping up' in all kinds of images not related to a nude male body. Some said she did it for shock value. I think it was just experimentation with the taboo society puts on full frontal nudity for men (not as much for women).

Later in life when women start the journey through menopause, creativity is heightened and inhibitions seem to melt away. (I'm just speaking for myself and those I know.) I know that the change has brought about more exploration for me into who I am, what I look like (all of me), and what I want (from life, love, sex, career) and what I want to accomplish. I think more about sex now than when I was 15! I can understand (not condone) why a woman in her mid-thirties would seduce a boy of 13, since menopause can start that early and a woman not even know it or control it. I remember being attracted to the son of a contemporary who was 15 and I was early thirties. I could control my urges but there are some who can't.

I have taken many photographs of myself naked. Many different poses and parts. And I have invited opinion from those I know and trust and have received photos in return too. All reviews have been favorable but I take them with a grain of salt (since they're all men and not all artistic). I am painting a self portrait of one of these nude photos and I think it would be considered not pornographic. Artistic in the same sense as Degas's women at their bathing rituals. But some of my more intimate photos are inspiring to me too and they may be considered porn by some in the art world. Not that I really care (lol).

5 TIPS TO WRITING FIRST CONTACT EMAILS

I received this first contact email today:
(This is copied & pasted exactly as sent except for personal information.)

Hello pretty,
I was surfing through profiles after a longtime on this site and i came across your picture,it attracted me so i stopped and decided to read your profile and wow,your profile is just as great as your picture itself.What a beauty!You definitely got your appearance so attracting and appealing.Nobody is gonna skip your profile without sending you a message.I can see sincerity in your eyes.
You look far younger than your age.Is what you have on this site a correct statement of your age?Well for once i thought," hey dare not try contacting her because a pretty lady of this type is already seriously dating'' but again I decided to give it a shot by sending you an email as there is no harm in trying. I really will like to hear back from you so i get to know you more.u can email me on xxxxxxxxxxxxx@yahoo.com or we can talk on yahoo im, also you can leave your number so that i can call you if you don't mind. .hope to hear from you soon bye
Pxxxxxx

What is wrong with this? Nothing, you say? If you can't see it, then you've probably been writing emails like this or worse. It shows the deterioration of the English language skills and letter writing in this country. Run together sentences, improper grammar, and that doesn't even address the content! Just because it's email doesn't mean you should ignore proper form. A woman will be impressed with a man's intelligence in the way he expresses himself. (Apologies to those who are immigrants but, LEARN THE LANGUAGE!)

5 STEPS TO WRITING FIRST CONTACT EMAILS:

1) Open your email with a salutation and end with a signature, i.e. Dear XXXX, or use their ID or something romantic (Beautiful Lady, Dear Venus, etc...). Once you know a woman's real name, address her by it...Dear Jill, Dear Vanessa, or just Vanessa. And please end it with a closing and your signature (name). "Awaiting your reply, John" "Ciao, Eric" "Have a blessed day, Robert" so that she can address you in her reply.

2) Compliments should be sincere, used sparingly, and be creative. DO NOT SAY: "You have a great body." "You are so hot!" "Hot and sexy!" These short, one line compliments are no better than construction workers whistling and cat-calling at a girl passing by. They are offensive, not compliments, when given to a total stranger. It would be better to tell a woman that she has classic beauty, or that she reminds you of someone you had a crush on, or that your life would be improved if you knew her better. Don't gush. Give one or two compliments and move on.

3) Try to get a reaction. Intrigue her, make her laugh, express something about you or your life that you think she might share an interest, tell her about an activity that would be so much more fun if you did it together (not sex! not this soon). If nothing comes to mind, ask questions about what she's into...READ HER PROFILE! Don't just look at the pictures.

4) Thank her for noticing you. "Thanks for taking the time to read my email." "Thanks for looking at my profile. There is so much more that I didn't include." "I can understand if you aren't interested in me romantically but if you need a friend to talk to, I'm here." You can never have enough friends. And sometimes, good friendships turn into great romances.

5) Answer her email promptly. If you can't answer right away, send a short note letting her know that. "Thank you for your email. Things are hectic right now. Will write more soon." and then make the time to answer her. If she's interested in getting to know you better, don't rush into more intimate contact; like giving her every possible way to contact you all at once. Ask if she'd like to message in real time (instant messaging) or would she prefer to talk on the phone. Then let her ask for your information. If her reply says she's not interested, see #4.

I have noticed men rush into phone contact or meeting face to face, putting pressure on the relationship before it even starts. Some men can't type. Let a woman know that or LEARN TO TYPE FASTER! Women are word-based, men are visual-based. Learn to invest some time in expressing yourself, listening, and getting to know a woman as a person. If all you want is sex, then asking every woman you're attracted to if they want to have sex will get you some eventually (just by sheer percentages) but it won't be something you can count on. Establishing conversation and mutual interest will have a woman coming back for more.

HELPING FAMILY

While I was in Orlando (between the great sex and showering together) I got a phone call on my cellphone. I answered it only because I get so few calls that I figured it must be important coming from my sister. She was calling to ask my help in moving her classroom. The conversation was short enough that I didn't feel it necessary to tell her she interrupted an intimate moment. I told her I'd drive down to Ft. Lauderdale and help her pack up, sort through, and throw away what was necessary to get her moved from her art room that serviced 800 students/week to her new classroom for 20 second graders next year.

Toni has been teaching elementary art for 16 years at the same school. She got her degree later in life after 30 years as an independent sign painter. Three days after receiving her diploma, she was hired to teach art in an elementary school with 800 students. This year the Broward County School System (South Florida) decided to eliminate art from elementary schools and therefore, eliminating her job. She compensated by immediately getting certified to teach elementary ed to K-3 and will be teaching 2nd grade next year. She saved her employment, her paycheck, and her retirement in four years. She shouldn't have had to do this and this is wrong on so many levels.

Art has more uses than any other subject that is taught. It allows a break from the increasing academic pressures while giving kids an outlet for their creativity. Problem-solving and logic are the core of artistic projects. Students learn about science, math, history, and language incorporated into art classes. They are taught responsibility and conservation (of materials) in art class. There is a special family bond that is formed in an art class (between students and between students and teachers). I lament on what kind of children we will be graduating from elementary school without art. A little less beauty in the world. Fewer sparks of innovation and more creative minds repressed. A large percentage of children that don't do well in math, science, or history, blossom in art, music, performing arts, or creative writing. These are just as important as academic subjects.

Everything we see and buy has been created by an artist. When will the politicians in charge of the money realize art is necessary?! When will artists and educators not have to defend the need for art and not have to fight or beg for every dime that goes for art education??? The family of man will always need to express itself through art.

THE TRIST

I had it all planned. Two days in an upscale 3 star hotel in Orlando. BT had a 6 1/2 hour layover in the Orlando International Airport and the hotel is the top floors of the airport. How's that for convenience? I haven't seen him in two years. I was so excited I could hardly sleep. He was coming in at 9:30AM and his departure flight was at 4:30PM. I ordered breakfast for 8AM, so I could eat and then nap while waiting for him to pickup the key/card I left for him at the desk. He would come up and slip into bed with me and wake me with sensual affections. I even condescended to wear a thong and matching camisole, thinking that he would have something to "unwrap." That was the plan.

He still hadn't arrived by 10:00AM. I figured he must be held up at customs. The hotel CC channel only showed departure information. I napped some more and then it was 11:15!! I checked my email (which had been our only communication through his Blackberry since he was on the road). Had he lost my phone number?! He had sent me an email asking "Where are you?" I emailed him back. "I'm in room ### waiting for you. There's a key waiting for you at the front desk." 15 minutes later he knocked on the door. I opened the door and asked why he hadn't used his key? He said they didn't have an envelope for him at the desk...I said no, they had a key for him...He said no they didn't! I was pissed! But I didn't care, he was there! and I threw my arms around him and said, "I don't care, you're here now, I don't care!" and we kissed, and held each other. And then when we came up for air, he told me..."I didn't think you were here. I changed my flight to an earlier flight" and my heart sunk. Instead of five hours, we now had an hour and a half. He said, "It's usually impossible to change to an earlier flight, but this time it wasn't." OH JOYS! WTF!? Damn if our timing doesn't suck! Or is it just our communication?

So we made the best use of the time we had. We got naked, fell into each others arms, gave personal attention to each other and then got down to serious sex. After he came, we held each other, intertwined, and talked and sighed...deep, satisfied, comfortable sighs. Then we took a shower and soaped each other thoroughly and it was glorious. He got dressed and I came out with only a towel on my wet hair. He said, "You're naked." I said, "I am." We kissed, and he said that maybe he would get bumped from the flight and could stay over. I said I'd pray for it. We kissed...long, deep, soulful...and then at the door, just before he left, we kissed...my hand on his cheek, looking deep into his eyes...I said, "love you"...and he said, "love you"...and then he was gone. An hour and a half of joy!

1:30 came and went..No news..2:00PM...I knew he was on his way back to Santo Domingo. He promised to try to make arrangements to have a longer layover soon, like overnight. He visits his uncle in Orlando once a year (with his kids) but he'd plan to slip away a day or two to see me. But that's not until August. Long distance relationships SUCK!

MOTHER'S DAY

And it is a mutha' of a day. 37 years without one, missing her every Mother's Day, birthday (hers, mine, my son's), holiday, and any day that I'm depressed and feeling like I have no focus or purpose. Any day that I need comfort, guidance, support, or motherly wisdom, the vacuum left behind in her absence is a cavernous ache in my heart and soul. I had to face becoming an adult woman, becoming a wife, pregnancy, childbirth, young motherhood, empty nest, widowhood, and menopause without a mother to help me through any of it.

The only thing that got me through it all is the part of me that is her. Her determination, strength of will, tenacity, and the unwavering conviction that I can be and have whatever...if I want it bad enough. Nothing is impossible. I have her sheer appreciation and enjoyment of simple pleasures and pure beauty. Through example and necessity, she taught me independence and self-reliance. She taught me to be frugal but always invest in that which is made well and lasts. I inherited her thirst for knowledge. I see her in my son and my nephew...little sparks that remind me of her.

I'm trying to read through her diaries and create something from them. Something that will live on long after I'm gone from this plane of existence. I only had her in my life for 15 1/2 years and I would like her to "come alive" to my son and my granddaughter, who never had the chance to know her. I remember her and my sister remembers her, but the memory of Sunny Anderson needs to be accessible to the future. I don't want her spark to go unnoticed.

Evelyn (Sunny) Marie Insley Anderson (April 16, 1923 - July 2, 1972)

Happy Mother's Day, Mom! I love you and miss you.

WHY BOTHER, T?

Got a phone call and voice mail today from T finally. He said "I wanted to call and say hi. We had a good time, didn't we?" That was it. No, "call me back" or "Sorry I didn't call sooner" and then an excuse as to why, "I'd like to see you again." My instincts were correct (as they usually are) and all he wanted was sex. He made contact frequently to facilitate interest on my part and a meeting. I'm too blasted honest about sex and what I want for my own good. Do I have to tell a man when I expect him to call me? Like, "I expect you to call me, no later than tomorrow, to tell me how much you enjoyed my company." Are men this insensitive? YES! Are men this unappreciative? YES!

TWO WEEKS he waits to call me! Which planet does this man come from? As I said in the earlier post, I didn't expect anything more than this, so I'm not disappointed. But I wish I had been pleasantly surprised instead. Se la vie!

FIVE STAGES OF CONTACT

ONLINE DATING SITE CONTACTS

It takes a lot of courage to write an email to someone to whom you are attracted. Lots of dating sites allow for "winks," "icebreakers," "flirts," and other synonyms for (mostly free) first contact. (True.com is notorious for sending unsolicited winks to it's members to generate interest between matches. Just be polite and honest with a contact if you didn't send the wink.) Here's some hints on what it all means, so you don't get the wrong idea of intentions. These terms all have to do with the site and it's vocabulary.

1. Someone looks/views your profile - means JUST that. They looked at you. It doesn't mean they are interested in you. Unless they look at your profile a lot, many times a week, or everyday (this might be a very shy person or a stalker...too soon to tell).
   
2. Someone sent you a wink - means look at me, read my profile and see if you like me. They were looking through the matches sent to them by the dating site or collected in a search, and thought you looked nice or you might have something in common with each other. If you like what you see, wink back or email them that you like what you see/read.
   
3. Someone added you to their favorites or black book - means they are interested in you. They were looking through their matches and did not want to forget you but were not quite ready to send a wink or email. If they don't initiate contact within a week or so and you are interested, then you initiate contact with an email. It makes a stronger statement than just a wink. Put some thought into it and ask some questions to get the conversation going.
   
4. Someone sends you an email with less than a paragraph. These emails consist of: "Your really hot!" "I want to get to know you." "You so sexy. Email me if your interested." "Heres my phone number/email/IM ID. Plese contact me." and so on.... (If the obvious lack of spelling/grammar or self expression doesn't turn you off immediately, then pursue it.) These are so uninteresting that you can ignore them without any response. If they are not going to even ask you a question or tell you something, they didn't put much thought into the contact. More than likely they are just looking for a brief encounter. Don't feel guilty about being rude, they certainly were.
5. Someone sends you an email with some thought to the content but they don't want to waste a lot of time on emailing back and forth. They want to talk on the phone right away. These people more than not are not very good at typing and/or expressing themselves in writing. They also don't want to invest any time in building a relationship. Put in the time! Find someone with like goals who does not mind getting to know you through each step of the way. Otherwise, you will have a lot of first meetings, few real dates, and lots of one-night-stands. But if that's what you're looking for, go for it. Just be honest with yourself and your date.
   

You have to find your own comfort zone as to when you will talk on the phone, give out other contact information, and schedule your first meeting (remember short and sweet, less than 30 mins.). Don't let rejection go to your heart. There are so many eligible partners out there, and also many friends to be made. Stay open emotionally and don't get discouraged.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY IAN!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY IAN!

To my son on his 24th birthday, I hope today brings you happiness. Celebrate the fact that you are alive. Do something you really want to do. Have some fun. Be with people that you enjoy. I love you sweetheart.

The day you were born was the happiest day of my life. It was the happiest day of your father's life. He said it was the best birthday present he'd had ever gotten (even though you were a week late for his birthday). You gave him great joy, as you do me. He was so proud of the you and I am so proud of the man you've become.

Think of what is important to you, what excites you, what brings you joy, and work towards making those things the priorities in your life. Be open emotionally, affectionate, and loving, and you will attract the same. Try to be of service to others without losing yourself. Be good to yourself.

Happy Birthday, son. I love you.

WHERE ARE YOU?

I'm here waiting. I'm looking for you. I have put myself out there on countless dating sites. I have read 20,000 profiles, written 10,000 emails and IMs. I've gone on hundreds of "first meetings" and "first dates" and dozens of second dates...had brief encounters, no encounters...made several long term friends and friends with benefits. I've broken hearts and had my heart broken.

WHERE ARE YOU? I need you to laugh with me and to make me laugh. To share secrets, hold my hand, rub my back, and say how great I cook. You were suppose to wake me up this morning with a gentle kiss on my shoulder, spooned up against me, wrapped up in your arms. And then I was suppose to rock your world. I need to give all this love and affection to you, not to mention full body massages. I was suppose to tell you how much I love you today, but you weren't here.

WHERE ARE YOU? There's a new Star Trek movie opening and I wanted to see it with you. I wanted to wash your clothes. I wanted to go shopping with you for your new shoes but you're not here. I wanted to get tickets to the baseball game, the comedy show, and the art exhibit but I can't find you to go with me. Where are you?

A LITTLE SUMP'M SUMP'M

Well I went to the dance Saturday night at the Pavillion and I met T there. He looks like his pictures (thank you). He had called me every day, sometimes more, since we first talked on the phone, after IM'g and emails. We talked for quite a while but didn't dance, because I picked the WRONG shoes to pack and already had a blister on each heel from walking around the dance floor twice looking for him. I was in agony. Sitting was good.

I thought he was leaning in to give me a kiss but he rubbed noses instead. He said he started with that to see how good I could give 'nose'. Cute. He held my hand and put his arm around my waist. We talked and laughed and he wanted to know if I was going to invite him back to my hotel room. If so, he'd have another drink, but if not, the hour and a half drive home would not be safe if he did. We were getting along very well so I said 'yes, we could go back to my hotel.' and 'yes, to another drink'. We spent about 3 hours at the dance. We went back to the room and I was starving, so I ordered a pizza (which he was impressed with, since he comes from NJ and wasn't expecting it to be good). The sex was ok. It was intimate, but not fulfilling for me. It was nice to have someone with which to share the luxury of the hotel room. My plan was to not have sex with him for at least 5 dates, but I needed the human contact and I figured this wouldn't be long term. Get what enjoyment you can.

It's early Thursday morning and T hasn't called me since Sunday morning when he left to drive home to Vero Beach. I would have thought he'd call me when he got home, or that night to see if I got home, or maybe Monday while he was working to say what a good time he had. But nothing, not even an email. I didn't really expect it either. Car salesmen = one night stand (nothing more).

MINI VACATION

Does it get any better than this? I have a hotel room in Boca Raton with a balcony overlooking the inlet, two double beds, wifi internet, free valet parking, pool and hot tub. There's a cafe' in the lobby and a restaurant on the top floor with dinner and dancing. They're bringing my breakfast at 9:45AM ($11). The room cost me $30/night!! for two nights. I'm down in the Ft. Lauderdale area doing errands and for two dances, one in WPB (Friday night) and one in Boca (Saturday night). And I stopped by my sister's to wish her a happy birthday.

I will get up and eat breakfast on the balcony in the cool morning breeze. Take a stroll along the dock and then take a dip in the pool. There's a couple of small boats that I bet take you out on the water for a tour of some kind. I could have a swedish massage before luncheon in the cafe'. Go shopping and get something stunning to wear at the dance tonight at the Pavillon. Meet T there (new online dating contact) and suggest that we come back here to have dinner and dancing, more intimate and easier to talk. Or not. It would make it easier for me to be cajoled into letting him into my hotel room and seducing me into having sex. He's a CAR SALESMAN! To be any good at it you have to have charm, powers of persuasion, and be a good liar (say anything to close the deal!). I am hoping he doesn't confirm my worst suspicions. I kinda like him. Should I make him promise that we have to have X amount of dates before we have sex? 20 was the number in The 40 Year Old Virgin. I'm not a virgin. I've been married twice and raised a son and a stepdaughter. Haven't had mutually satisfying sex in almost two years, haven't had a stiff cock in five weeks...(I have a problem with insisting on my orgasm okay?...I know...I'm workin' on it!). I do not want to have sex on the first date, even if I want to have sex. (It's not fair that I have to deny my urges because men can't respect a woman who has urges just like they do.)

Meanwhile, I have all this luxury and no one with which to share it.

THE GRIP

I pretty much missed all day Monday. I was sick from Sunday night until Tuesday Afternoon. I had what I can only describe as THE GRIP. It's an ailment where you are gripped in pain, (like in the the closed hand of a giant). I haven't had any contact with any humans (other than the groc store once) since Friday, when I went to dinner alone. So I didn't catch anything. It started on Sunday night with intestinal distress (major gas pains and bloating) then progressed yesterday with joint pain, then fever and chills and all over aches and skin tenderness. I WAS A MESS! I'm much better now. I call it The Grip because that is what my parents called it when I was younger. I have only had it two or three times in my life and it usually only lasts 24 hours. Some may call it the 24 hour flu, but in my family it was THE GRIP. (I really HATE being sick! but sometimes your body just does it to slow you down some.)

And having told you all that, I actually made two relationship contacts over the last two days, amazing as that might seem. An old flame (B) contacted me and the flicker started a bonfire in my loins, as usual. I hear from him about twice a year now, only slightly less than when we were first involved. Long-distance relationships are doomed if they are started as long distance. I think there might be more hope for an established relationship going long distance, but I have no experience in that area. Anyone like to share their stories? I would be very interested to know how your long distance love affairs are going (have gone). Anyway, after the initial erotic shockwave wore off, I sent him an email back that might stop him from replying. It hurts my heart and soul to think that there is a chance for us, a chance for more, a chance that he means it when he says he loves me...but I have been disappointed twice. I do not know if I could take another hit emotionally from him. It is brutal when you love someone and all they feel is the heat.

The second contact (T) was on Monday and is new. He invited me out on our first meeting for Tuesday in an email with his phone number included. Usually I wait until I have enough guts to call a man (takes a while for me because I am shy). But in this case I knew I was under the weather and probably would not feel well enough to meet the next day. So I called him and we had a very pleasant chat. And then he called me Tuesday twice, and we had some more good conversation. I will reserve judgment for a while because he is a car salesman. I swore off car salesmen last November. I have never met one that can be trusted. They lie for a living. He lies for a living. But I will be friends with him, and we will take it from there.

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

What does this mean? Does it happen when you go out with a guy and realize that he's never going to be husband material? or he likes you but doesn't think you're girlfriend material?...so your relationship falls into the friend category. Or did you start out as friends? Maybe you were seeing a friend of this friend and met that way. However you met, you're now just friends. Then you have sex, and it was good, not great, but good. Now what? Friends With Benefits?

I can only relate my stories. And from my experience, there is no such thing as "friends with benefits." It's a phrase used by men to get sex. Period. They don't want the obligation of friendship to get in the way of getting sex. They just want all benefits. This is the main reason NOT to have sex with a man on the first date. Or NOT to start a relationship with a booty call. UNLESS...you are honest at the start of the relationship and tell the man that all you want is sex. Make sure you get your orgasm first, EVERY TIME! Use condoms! Experiment all you want, be adventurous...have sex and send him home. Don't expect anything else. If he doesn't call you to say how wonderful it was, or that he misses you, or if the next time you talk, he doesn't care what's happened in between...this relationship is just sex.

I'm an intelligent, mature woman, who was widowed at 46 after a 20 year marriage to my soul mate. We had an amazing sex life and we were best friends. THAT is friends with benefits!

RESISTING SLEEP

I am a night owl. I am happiest sleeping until noon. Eating dinner at 9 PM or later. Writing, painting, manipulating images on the computer, all best done at 2AM, at least by me. How would you like it if every day was Saturday? Oh...yeah...you do have to shop and go for services during regular hours since the world runs on 9-5. Wait...most things can be bought over the internet, so maybe you CAN live outside the norm.

The next obstacle? Finding someone to hang with that is also a night owl. Early birds and night owls don't make a great pair. Everyone is programmed to believe that you have to conform or you are some kind of slacker, lazy and undisciplined. You just go to bed at 10PM and get up at 5:30AM and go do your job on 7 1/2 hours sleep. What if your personal internal clock is set to wind down around 2AM and you would naturally wake up at 11AM if there wasn't an alarm clock to force you awake? I NEED 9 hours sleep. Not want, NEED. Most people NEED 8 hours. they don't get it. I don't get 9 most of the time, but less than 7 for more than a couple of nights and I get clumsy. I start hurting myself, bumps, bruises, cuts...not a pretty sight. Left to my natural rhythm, I sleep 9 hours and wake naturally, instead of being jerked out of sleep by an annoying sound. Oh I know you can get an alarm that wakes you with increasing light, or gentle sounds that increase in loudness. But those don't work on me.

My life is just about perfect right now. I sleep when I want, go to bed when I want. I have no pressure on me at the moment and I'm enjoying it immensely. Life is good.

FOLLOWING YOUR INSTINCTS

Several years ago, I was a graduate student studying in two Master's programs at the same time, teaching a Saturday desktop publishing course, and working in the graphics design lab as a monitor/tech support. I loved the academic atmosphere and helping/teaching the undergrads. One day during lab hours, I had a heated discussion with one student about human natural instincts. He was of the opinion that humans have had all their natural instincts erased or evolved out of existence because of modern civilization and technology. I argued that we still have our instincts, they're just buried deep down because we don't need to use them and it's the lazy way to just not try to use them. The debate went on for several hours while he worked on his digital project and I went about my duties, helping him and other students with software and hardware problems. Other students in the computer lab joined in the conversation, expressing their opinions also. The conclusion was: we agreed to disagree. The original student would not budge on his opinion that modern homo sapiens don't have any natural instincts.

I have seen and experienced the end results of instinct and believe down to my bone marrow, that we DO have instincts but that we have just been taught not to follow them, not to trust them. It's when we second guess our instincts that things go wrong. Some people call it "gut feeling", some call it psychic ability, others have "keen sense of judgment", and still others seem to have "all the luck" in anything they do. It all comes down to following or listening to your inner voice.

Last night I was headed to a dance party event sponsored by a dating service I belong to and things just didn't work out as I had planned. By the time I was ready to go I was already an hour behind schedule and didn't make it to the event until it was almost over. Instead of stressing over my lateness, I decided that the driving and getting out was what I had desired most and that I was starving and wanted to get something to eat, a libation, and listen to some good rock'n'roll music. I was tooling down US1 just south of Boca Raton (FL, where the dance was) and started looking for a club or bar with food and music. It was 10:30PM on a Friday night, how hard would it be to find what I was looking for?? Harder than you think when you don't know the area well. Good clubs can be quite camouflaged...tucked away in strip malls, or by seedy-looking exteriors. Finally, I passed a place that I heard the music from across the street, going in the opposite direction. I hung a U-ey and turned into the parking lot to John L. Sullivan's Irish Pub and Restaurant (which I found out later is in Lighthouse Point, FL, just north of Sample Rd.). My instincts had led me to some fine LIVE rock'n'roll music, good Irish cuisine (had the Sheppard's Pie, excellent!) and a friendly, casual atmosphere. I enjoyed my food and the Glen Livet, and the music (if the music is too loud, you're too old!!). Instincts are valid and should be trusted more. Try it!

THE FIRST 10 STEPS TO ONLINE DATING

For all those who are newly single, novice computer users, or those not getting any results from present online efforts.

1. MOTIVE: Decide if you are serious about finding a mate or just dating for specific events or just intimate encounters.
2. PREPARE (PART ONE): Make a list of what you are looking for in a date/mate. Use this list to compose a short description to have ready to copy and paste into your profile. It should be a paragraph or two, no more. Spell check please!
3. PREPARE (PART TWO): Make a list of what makes you unique and what you offer a date/mate. If you cannot create at least a paragraph about yourself, ask family or friends to describe you and what you have to offer. This is a sales pitch, so make it short and to the point. Spell check please!
4. DATING SITE: Choose a dating site online. This can be done by using a search engine and typing in "dating online" or "free dating online" to offer you options of not having to pay for your membership. There are sites for all kinds of dating, from religious-based to interracial to alternate lifestyles to just hooking up for a one-night-stand. DO NOT SIGN UP YET! Bookmark the site(s) and come back when you are prepared.
   
5. VISUAL BAIT: Once you have chosen your site (or sites <- more on this later), get a good digital CURRENT picture of you, SMILING. This should be a head shot - your head, face, and shoulders should fill most of the picture frame, even if you have to crop the picture. (Cropping the picture means choosing just you and getting rid of all the other image information/background.) NO sunglasses! NO hats! NO disguises! They want to see your face, close up, with a pleasant look or smile to show how friendly you are! You should not look like you are in the witness protection program or on the 10 most wanted list. SMILE!
6. SIGN UP: Once you have gathered your descriptions and picture(s) to upload and credit card to join, if necessary. Type your descriptions (which you should have done already so you can copy and paste) and make sure your pictures are accessible on your computer (or on a CD). If your grammar and punctuation is weak, have someone better at it proofread your descriptions before you upload, and SPELLCHECK! Give yourself and hour or two to sign up and you can always edit later.
   
7. FOLLOW UP!: Log in regularly. Once a day for the first week and then every other day, or at least once a week (preferably Sunday or Monday so you could possibly have a date the next weekend!). Matches are usually sent to your email daily or however frequently you set up in your preferences. Review profiles you have been matched with and answer any emails you have received, even if not interested. It's common courtesy. (Winks and expressions of interest need not be acknowledged unless you are interested.) It's like applying for a job! You do not want to do this all on Friday.
8. RESPOND/INITIATE: If there is a contact you are interested in, respond/initiate with a short note that you are interested in getting to know them better. Ask a question, give a little more information, or say what interested you about them. This will spark a reply, maybe. Do not be disappointed or feel rejected if there is no response. Keep trying until you make a connection with one of your matches.
   
9. CONNECTION: You have made a connection; exchanged emails, instant messaged each other, and spoke on the phone. These are essential steps to knowing for sure that you want to meet each other. The first meeting should be short (plan for 30 mins to an hour) and no pressure. In most cases, one or both of you will decide in the first 10 minutes if there's a chance there is chemistry. You are adults and can decide how to proceed but if you are looking for a long term relationship, you should part wanting more. Make a real date for the soonest weekend and make it clear who is going to call whom first and when.
10. FIRST DATE (OF MANY?): If the first date has been made around an event (party, work-related, family/friend birthday) then you should have talked to each other several times before the event to make sure everything is understood. If it's just a first date, then plan something that both will enjoy or surprise yourselves with something neither of you has done before. Discovering new things together can be a great bonding experience. Do not expect sex on the first date, unless you both have discussed it and that's all you want out of the date. Be honest and communicate!

This is just the beginning, or it could be the end, for you as a couple. Brief encounters can be fun as long as neither of you expects anything long term. In my opinion, they are the dessert, not the main course or soul (pun intended) diet. Think of what shape you would be in only eating dessert. Some of you will become friends, some will remain strangers, but with 6 billion people in the world, what are the chances you will find the perfect soul mate if you don't keep trying?

I will be expanding on these points in the future. And I welcome any comments or experiences that you've had that might help me or my other readers. Thanks and happy dating!

CATCHING UP IS HARD TO DO

It's the fourth day already of the 31 Days to Build a Better Blog Challenge and I'm two days behind already. First day was to create an elevator pitch for my blog. Well I did that. It's up there at the top of the page. This blog is about everything...and nothing...depending on what day you read it. I figure if "NOTHING" content was good enough to have SEINFELD run for 9 years, it's good enough for me. But I do cover everything eventually.

I also have to explain that I have two other blogs that are very honest and very explicit in expressing the events in my life and my feelings. So when this challenge required me to concentrate on one blog, I picked the tamest one to expand upon. Sorry if this makes my starting point somewhat dull, but as I learn, I will spice it up some and drop some censorship. My other blogs are more like a "no holds barred" diary and could cause problems in my relationships with my friends and family.

There will also be a lot of personal information and experiences in online and real life dating and relationships. Helpful hints that I've learned and resources both in print and online.

Let the adventure begin!

NOT WRITING IN YOUR BLOG - PART TWO

It's even better when you don't write in it but once every two years! I'm trying to improve on that by taking an online "course" for improving my skills at blogging. I'm already on day three of 31 Days to Build a Better Blog challenge! Stay tuned for new and improved.

Why would anyone want to read what I have to say? Maybe they have the same thoughts but don't express them. Maybe I can suggest something to help a situation or decision. Maybe they have no life and will live vicariously through my blog. Who knows? I have to write. After all I have been through, I need someplace to vent, to ponder, and to fantasize (I will warn you when I'm writing fiction). This all came on when I lost my husband and best friend of 20 years. I no longer had a sympathetic ear, a counselor, or a partner "in crime" so to speak. He was my rock and without him, I am adrift. So I started to write in an old sketchbook as my journal. Then I started a blog, several blogs, not caring if anyone read them but me.

It is different now.